Are You Christian - 24. Chapter 24

The next morning Stacey woke me up and reminded me that I had to go to school. That my suspension was over. Jonathon still had a few days left on his, so I wouldn’t be able to talk to him about anything. I would have to face the day with so many questions shuffling through my thoughts. Lacey being at school today also worried me, I was hoping she would skip.

After I was dressed and waiting for the bus, Stacey was being taught how to drive with Dad this morning. She would be driving his car to school every morning and he would take the wheel at the school parking lot to drive on to work. Dad didn’t seem worried, even after Stacey about took out the mail box as she backed out of the driveway. Then around he corner I heard tires squeal and the school bus slam on the air breaks. I didn’t hear any metal crashing together though and when the Bus started around the corner, I couldn’t hide my amusement thinking of what about happened.

Stepping on the bus, I only saw Matt sitting in his usual seat. What we talked about Sunday came rushing to thought and he didn’t offer me a welcoming smile. He diverted his attention completely and I knew it wasn’t good with us yet. Probably wouldn’t be, not really. He was just humoring Jonathon and Gavin. I sat in the usual seat just in front of him, but didn’t turn to look at him in the short bus ride to the high school.

The uneasy feeling about being at school today did come back when I entered the cafeteria with Matt and Kate behind me. I hadn’t paid any attention to them and didn’t even realize when Kate joined Matt in the parking lot, like she usually did when she waited for our bus to arrive. Kate was talking excitedly about something, but I couldn’t understand her, being so far ahead of them as I walked to our table.

It was Gavin that worried me the most when I sat down and he didn’t smirk or look amused by anything. He was glaring at Lacey and her face was flushed. She had her arms crossed over her chest, but not in her half flirtatious way I was used to seeing. She looked like she was trying to disappear instead, something I thought Lacey never wanted to do.

“What’s wrong?” I asked, my voice almost catching. My throat felt tight and my shoulders were tense before I realized.

“Lacey has a big ass mouth,” Gavin responded, “and you and Jonathon can’t keep a damn secret either.”

“What do you mean?” I asked and I saw Kate and Matt sit down beside me. Jonathon’s seat empty and I seemed to feel its emptiness weighing on me.

“Why did you go and tell Lacey?” Gavin asked, ignoring Lacey’s glare.

“They didn’t, not really,” Lacey answered her voice cracking, “and I didn’t do anything.”

“You pretty much told the whole damn town when you told your mother,” Gavin countered leaning back, his blue eyes seemed to turn a darker shade.

“What’s going on?” Kate asked and I looked at her. She was looking at Lacey, worried about her. When I turned my attention to Lacey at my side, she was crying and I wanted to put my arm around her. I didn’t like seeing people cry, especially women.

“I couldn’t just pretend not to be hurt,” Lacey said, “and Mom caught on, I did try though.”

“Hurt about what?” Kate asked, but when Lacey went to answer her I heard something fly by my head. It slammed onto the top of the table and skidded into Gavin’s lap. It was a half filled bottle of water, the lid was off and when Gavin stood his shirt and shorts were soaked.

“What the fuck,” he hissed looking around the room. I didn’t turn my head, knowing that the water bottle was meant for me.

“Lacey did you tell anyone?” I asked and she looked at me, looking ashamed of herself.

“Mom wouldn’t drop it until I told her that you hurt my feelings, she figured the rest of it out by herself,” Lacey explained, but I couldn’t be mad at her.

“Who threw the damn water bottle?” Gavin asked, “Did you see who did it?”

“No,” Matt answered, and I finally looked around the room to see just who else knew something was going on. “I knew something like this would happen.”

“What is going on?” Kate asked, the cafeteria was unusually quiet and her voice seemed to carry to the other tables around us. I shrank lower into my chair, knowing it was useless. People already knew and in a town this small it wouldn’t take long before everyone was filled in.

“Not here Kate,” Matt answered, “please.”

“You better go call Jonathon,” Gavin whispered and I turned to see that he was looking at me.

“Why?” I asked, my voice barely a whisper.

“No telling what his parents are doing to him,” Gavin answered taking napkins and trying to dry himself. “Let me deal with anyone else.”

“What are you going to do?” Matt asked, “Fight everyone that has a problem with it?”

“Problem with what?” Kate asked, her elbows crossed.

“Problem with Jonathon being a fag,” Gavin answered, rolling his eyes. “Lacey’s Mom made sure she got the word out.”

“I’m sorry!” Lacey countered her cheeks wet from crying.

“It’s ok Lacey,” I offered reaching across the table offering her my hand. I didn’t expect her to take it, not after what happened yesterday. She did though, squeezing it like it was her only life support to keep from drowning. Then she leaned into me, pushing her face into my shoulder. I felt her tears staining my shirt as she openly started crying again.

“So Jonathon and Christian?” Kate asked, looking at me I just nodded my head once. Kate understood everything then and looked worried instead of angry about being left out of the loop.

“Aren’t you going to call Jonathon?” Gavin asked still looking at me. “Or do I have to clean up another mess?”

“You don’t really know how to clean up a mess Gavin,” Matt countered, “it was you that kept all this up.”

“I believe it was you that punched Christian, Matt,” Gavin said, “which caused Jonathon to kick your ass.”

“Matthew!” Kate hissed, but the bell rang dismissing everyone to first period.

At first I thought Lacey was just going to sit there in my arms, but she slowly slid her chair out. My shirt was soaked, but she wasn’t crying anymore. It wouldn’t take much for her to start crying again though, when I noticed that her lips were quivering as she struggled to reapply her smeared make-up.

“Please Lacey,” I whispered, “It’s ok, really, don’t beat yourself up about it.”

“You don’t know Chris,” Lacey said, “what it was like for Jonathon when it was all just a rumor, not real.”

“And you do?” I asked as everyone walked past us, leaving us at the table. Gavin stayed behind as well, but Matt and Kate were gone. She was probably fussing at him for the things he did and I wanted to smile thinking about it, but Lacey’s expression turned my stomach.

“He disappeared for a few weeks, Mom told me it was to some center,” she whispered, “when I thought it was because he had Mono.”

“So you should call him,” Gavin said as he walked around the table. He held out his hand for Lacey and she surprised me again when she took it and he pulled her gently after him.

I went to my locker to get what I needed for first period. I saw the black puddle of water on the ground in front of it. Water was still dripping and running down the front of the locker below mine. When I opened it, I saw a broken ink pen on top of my books. Someone had broken it and shoved it inside of my locker before dumping water inside the ventilation slits.

Slamming the locker closed I picked up my bag and walked down the hall towards the front exit. I didn’t care that the principal was in the foyer waiting for me and I stepped around him and out the front door, him calling my name behind me. Telling me that I wouldn’t be able to step foot in his school for the rest of the week if I didn’t come back right away. I looked over my shoulder to see him rushing into his office, probably to call my parents.

I saw the front door fly open again just before I started to run for home. I was afraid that it would be a teacher, coming to retrieve me, but I was relieved when Stacey came through the door and I stopped and waited on her. She wrapped me into a tight hug, then broke it to study my expression.

“Christian,” she said, “I’m sorry about your locker.”

“How did you know about my locker?” I asked and she looked annoyed.

“People were laughing about it,” she answered as we started walking towards the sidewalk that would lead us home.

“Shouldn’t you take it easy?” I asked as we walked, the sun was already bright and causing my forehead to bead with sweat.

“What do you mean?” She asked, looking at herself.

“You’re pregnant Stacey,” I answered and frowned when she giggled.

“Yeah like a month pregnant, start worrying about me when I’m nine,” she said, rolling her eyes. “I’m more worried about you, you’ve not stopped shaking and we’re about half way home.”

“I’m not shaking?” I said, I hadn’t really paid any attention, but when I looked down at my hand, I saw that it was shaking in Stacey’s grasp. My stomach was tight, it felt like I was doing sit ups between ragged breaths. The sweat on my face wasn’t just because it was getting hot out.

“You must be a wreck if you’re not even aware of it all,” she said, “do you need to sit down, I can go on ahead...”

“No,” I said, “we need to get home so I can see how Jonathon is doing.”

“Do you think his parents know?” She asked leaning into me as we walked she let my hand go and put her arm around my shoulders. It was a slight stretch for her, since I was taller, but she didn’t look uncomfortable so I let her.

“Everyone else seems to,” I answered looking down at the ground. “They seem to know what he went through the first time too.”

“Don’t be pissed that he didn’t tell you,” she countered and shook her head when I started to argue, “would he want you thinking he was a freak when everyone else seems to?”

“I wouldn’t,” I started, but I stopped when we came to the middle of the curve and our house came into view. Mom’s van was parked out front and she was waiting on the front steps, her face red with a worried expression. When she saw us, she stood and waited until we were in the driveway before she jogged down the last few steps. I was bracing myself for the lecture to end all lectures, some sort of discipline or even yelling. The way that she looked anything was possible as I hadn’t saw that look cross her face my entire life. She hugged us both though, crashing her body between ours and hugging our bodies into her.

“Mom, please,” Stacey groaned trying to step out of the hug.

“Sorry,” she said as she broke the hug, she ran her hands down her green business skirt smoothing it. “I’m worried sick, I got a phone call from school and when I got home Jonathon was beating on the front door...”

“He’s here?” I asked looked past her to the closed front door.

“He’s in your room, he’s a mess Christian you best leave him alone,” Mom said, “until he’s ready to talk.”

“Mom,” I argued but her eyebrows shot up. “I want to know if he’s ok,”, stepping around her I started walking towards the house. She let me, but they both followed me into the house. They stopped at the bottom of the stairs and I looked down at them from the top. They both looked worried, but then the phone rang and Mom pulled herself away from the bottom of the stairs and she went into the living room to answer it. Stacey urged me forward with a wave of her hand and I looked at my closed bedroom door. I ignored the doorknob, not wanting to see if the door was unlocked or rush into the room. Instead I knocked lightly and waited for any sound from the other side of the door. I could tell from the hallway that my light was on or the sun was shining in bright through my window.

“It’s open Mrs. Edwards,” Jonathon answered and I didn’t correct him. I just pushed the door open. He ignored the squeak of the door as it glided gently to a stop. He was looking at the goldfish swimming in the bowl. The marble rocks at the bottom were casting small rainbows and white reflections on to parts of the room. My light was off and he didn’t turn to see who had opened the door.

“It’s me,” I said, my voice gravely from the knot in my throat. He turned around his face red and his eyes were dark from crying.

“I messed up,” he said, “I never should have let myself get angry over you and Lacey.”

“It would have happened eventually, no one can hide like we did,” I said, not knowing how to comfort him. I was wanting to disappear back down the stairs, listen to Mom and let him calm down a little. I didn’t like seeing him shaking, his knuckles white from tightly balled fists. Sitting on my bed, he didn’t move, just stared back at me.

“Dad is sending me back,” he whispered, then another round of tears flooded his face. “I can’t go back to that.”

“Jonathon,” I said as I crossed my bedroom door and he wrapped me into a crushing hug. I felt his cast pressing against my shoulder blade, but I didn’t break the hug or tell him to let go, that he was hurting me and for the second time today my shirt was getting soaked by tears.

“Close the door,” he said finally breaking the hug and my feet hit the ground. I hadn’t realized that he had pulled me off the ground. I had to shrug my shoulders to ease the pain I felt in them as I walked to close and lock my door.

“Has your Dad called, looking for you?” I asked sliding onto the bed to the headboard. I patted the spot beside me, but he stayed at the foot of my bed, his legs crossed, his elbows resting on his knees as he hid is face with his hands.

“Two or three times,” he said, “he’s really angry.”

“Mom will take care of him,” I said trying to sound sure of what I was saying. There wasn’t really anything she could do about it though. “He has to realize that it doesn’t work.”

“He knows it don’t work,” Jonathon hissed turning to look at me, his eyes wide. I had never seen Jonathon this angry and I had to look down at my hands, not wanting to burn that image in my memory.

“Then why...”

“Because he knows what it does to me to be there,” Jonathon interrupted, “he doesn’t care that I’m not healed as long as I go through it.”

“Go through what?” I asked before I could stop myself. He turned away from me, hiding his face again and we fell into an uneasy silence. He wasn’t going to tell me and what Stacey said earlier on the way home came back to me. “I won’t stop loving you after you tell me.”

“No you’ll just start treating me different,” he stammered, but the corners of his mouth hid a small smile and I just realized that I told him I loved him.

“I won’t,” I said, “I promise.”

“I’d rather you not know,” he countered, “I know what will happen if I tell you, people always treat me different.”

“Fine, think that,” I said causing him to go rigid, then he let out a shudder that shook the bed.

“You’re angry that I’m not going to tell you,” he said turning to look at me, “but you’ll not have anything to do with me if I do.”

“I know something happened to you in that place already,” I said trying not to sound angry or afraid, “and I’m still sitting here.”

“It is your room,” he countered laying back on the foot of my bed.

“Well let’s go to your room then,” I said, “so you know I won’t run screaming from you after you tell me.”

“Not funny,” he groaned turning to study me.

“So tell me, please,” I said moving down the bed, I rested my head on his shoulder and he let out a sigh as he wrapped his broken arm painfully around me again. I couldn’t leave now if I wanted to.

“I’m not going to,” he whispered and I looked up at his clenched jaw. I wasn’t going to push him anymore though.

“Jonathon your dad is here,” Stacey said tapping on the door with her finger nails.

“Send him away,” Jonathon yelled and I tried to move away from his as it hurt my ears, laying so close to his mouth. He hugged me tighter though, turning to face me he put both arms around me and his blue eyes, somehow absent of the light blue I liked started at me.

“If you don’t tell me Jonathon, he will,” I said, “him or my Mom, your Mom, Lacey, Gavin, somebody will.”

“I told you I’m not going to,” he said then a louder knock came from the locked door.

“Christian, Jonathon,” Mom said, “Dave and Julianne are here to take Jonathon home.”

“Mom, stall them, please,” I begged looking towards the door.

“You know I can’t do that,” she said and I heard the door knob rattle. “They are his parents.”

“The isolation was the worst,” Jonathon whispered, “it happened a few nights a week because I would act out, but I couldn’t stop myself.”

“What did you do?” I asked when he hesitated, biting his lower lip.

“I would argue with my councilor,” he answered, “and I didn’t allow for him to touch me.”

“Touch you?” I asked his eyes wanting me to connect the dots for myself so that he wouldn’t have to say it.

“Kind of shitty when the person that’s supposed to cure you is worse off than you are,” Jonathon said and I glanced at the door again, the shadows at the bottom meant that Mom was still standing there, waiting for us to come out of the room.

“And the isolation was worse than that?” I asked, “He would put you in there because of that?”

“Yes, and when he would catch me talking to some one else or didn’t do my homework, didn’t pray so many hours of the day,” he explained then he smiled, his eyes tight and pained as he slowly relived everything. It took all my willpower to stay there and watch him. “I got into trouble a lot.”

“How long did you stay there?” I asked my voice catching at the back of my throat. I swallowed, but it didn’t help the dryness.

“A month,” he answered, “then the whole Mono lie would get a bit ridiculous.”

“Did anyone visit you?” I asked trying to understand what it would feel like being torn away from family in friends while living in your own personal hell.

“Mom,” he said, his voice not hiding the anger he felt for her. “She came to visit and she would cry the entire time, but when I begged to come home she just stood aside and let them drag me back behind the locked doors. She didn’t do anything, she didn’t even fight Dad.”

“I’m sorry,” I said, not wanting to hear anything more, I pulled him closer. He surprised me by slamming his lips against mine. I closed my eyes, tasting blood as he busted my lower lip, but then he softened when I kissed him back. He wanted to see if I would still kiss him. That I made good on my promise to not treat him any differently.

“Sorry,” he said, seeing me wince and lick the blood off my bottom lip.

“It’s fine,” I countered, then the doorknob rattled again.

“Christian please,” Mom said her voice tense, “open the door.” Jonathon kissed me again, reaching up with his broken arm to press my face into his, but this time he was careful not to hurt me.

“That needs to last me awhile,” he said his voice shaking he pulled away from me and walked over to the door he turned the lock and let the door open.

“Jonathon,” Mom breathed then she looked past me as I was getting to my feet my lower lip swollen and throbbing. I ignored it when I saw Dave and Julianne standing on either side of Mom at the door. I don’t know what all they heard, but Jonathon looked scared when he turned back to me. “Let’s go back down stairs.”

“Ok,” I said and we followed them down the stairs to the living room.

“Come along Jonathon,” his dad said when we were in the living room. He went to put his arm around him, to guide him out of the front door, but Jonathon backed away. He looked ready to run, but he didn’t know which way. I looked through the counter that divided the living room from the kitchen and saw the back door. I knew running wouldn’t help anything, it would only prolong what was to happen. Jonathon would have to leave with them and they would put him back into that place. He would have to endure it all over again and I will have to wait, knowing what was happening to him. I couldn’t see myself doing that.

“Let’s sit down and talk,” Mom said breaking the uneasy silence when Jonathon didn’t move towards the front door with his parents.

“I’ve heard all I’ve needed to hear Mrs. Edwards,” Dave countered turning on my Mom I saw that he shared Jonathon’s eyes. Even with the light ice blue color though, Jonathon had a warmth behind them. Dave’s seemed to just be cold.

“In his file Jonathon expressed that nothing was gained from attending the counseling center,” Mom said as she sat down on the couch, she took hold of her purse and pulled out the vanilla folder.

“Of course he wouldn’t gain anything,” Dave countered, “he didn’t obey instruction.”

“In his file it says instruction included punishments like solitary isolation, bathroom clean up duties, among other things,” Mom read, ignoring Dave completely. “None of which really molds a heterosexual man.”

“Mom,” I said, but she shot me a glare that told me to be quiet. Jonathon was staring wide eyed at the folder himself. Neither of us had noticed Stacey coming to stand on the other side of Jonathon, between Dave and his son. Julianne just looked like she wanted to leave and not hear anything that Mom had to say.

“And of course you heard that Jonathon had to fight his councilor or subject himself to...”

“That is enough,” Dave interrupted her, “Jonathon lies, nothing like that ever happened, he just wanted to leave and thought that would get him out quicker.”

“Are you sure?” Mom asked raising her eyebrows.

“I spoke to the staff myself,” Dave answered, “it is a quality counseling center. I helped found it.”

“Let me tell you Pastor Dave,” Mom said, “that all of this has only harmed your son, not only does he have to deal with the thought that you, his father and mother, being disgusted by him, you send him to a place where he is almost molested.”

“Mom,” I hissed when Jonathon bolted for the stairs. I heard my door slam and a picture fall off the wall and shatter in the hallway.

“Now we all know Jonathon is still homosexual and that no amount of counseling will change that,” Mom went on, ignoring me. “Instead you are going to send him back to that place, putting him through all that he has went through, knowing what is going on. I just don’t understand it.”

“He just needs to try,” Dave countered, “he doesn’t even want to try.”

“How about you try being gay,” Stacey said, “see how easy that is for you.”

“I will not,” Dave said, “as it isn’t right, what Jonathon and your son is doing, maybe if they both went...”

“Absolutely not,” Dad bellowed from the open front door.

“Julianne,” Mom said before Dad could get his hands on Dave. Julianne seemed to jump at the sound of hearing her own name.

“Yes?” She asked her eyes brimming with tears.

“Do you want to know what he said about you?” Mom asked looking back down at her files. “It says that Jonathon shows more anger towards his mother for not listening or being supportive, that...”

“Please stop,” Julianne snapped, but she turned on Dave in the living room. “I never want to hear how much my own son hates me.”

“He was just angry Julie,” Dave countered, “he’s just a boy.”

“No, he was just a boy when you sent him the first time,” she said, “now he’s a young man, but all that anger hasn’t gone away. I’ll not agree to sending him back.”

“What would you have me do then?” Dave asked, “just allow our son to live in sin with no counseling?”

“You could just try accepting him,” Dad said, “or at least put up with it for his sake. Maybe he won’t hate you for that.”

“Go get our son Julianne,” Dave ordered his face flushed and his hands clasped together so hard his fingers were turning purple.

“I think it is best if he stays here for the night,” Julianne whispered, “let you and me talk and let him calm down.”

“I can help you through all this if you let me,” Mom said putting the folder away. “Help you understand Jonathon and help him with his resentment towards you both.”

“That will be great Mrs. Edwards thank you,” Julianne said turning back to her husband, “come along Dave, please.”

At first I thought Dave would yell back up to Jonathon, but he didn’t. His shoulders seemed to slump as he followed Julianne out the front door. Dad closed it swiftly behind them and I turned to see Mom heading towards the bottom of the stairs. She held out her hand when I started to follow her.

“I invaded Jonathon’s privacy,” she said, “I will need to apologize for that so just stay down here.”

“Ok,” I offered as she walked up the stairs. She didn’t seem relieved that the confrontation was over. She looked like she was marching to her own trial. It took a lot to go against her judgment and ethics to invade his privacy. Spill his inner most thoughts to his parents, that seemed to have been left unaware until then.

“That was intense,” Stacey said, “I damn near wanted to punch someone.”

“You would’ve broken a nail,” Dad said trying to lighten the mood in the living room. We both looked at him, causing him to shrug and sit down in the chair.

After awhile Stacey and I took a seat on the couch, neither of us talking. I kept looking up, towards the stairs wondering what all Mom was saying, if anything. Jonathon could be a closed door again, not wanting to talk to her. I had faith that Mom knew what she was doing and it did get his parents out of the house and away from the decision to send him back to that center. I wondered how long that would last, how long Julianne would keep Dave from sending Jonathon back.

It was dark outside when we heard my bedroom door open. Mom walked down the stairs alone, her eyes puffy from crying as she grabbed the broom and headed back up stairs to clean up the broken glass from the fallen picture. I had forgotten all about that and everyone else seemed to have as well, because we all started moving at the same time.

Stacey grabbed the dustpan to help Mom and Dad walked over to the fridge and started making sandwiches for dinner. I was the only one that hesitated. I didn’t know if I was welcome up there with him or if he wanted to be left alone. Today he had to relive all of his nightmares one right after the other. I would understand how he would need to be alone.

“He’s waiting for you,” Mom said as she dumped the broken glass into the trash. I stood and bounded up the stairs nearly tripping on them.

When I entered my bedroom Jonathon was sitting on my bed. He wiped his eyes with the bottom of his shirt, then smiled at me. It was a weak smile that didn’t go to his eyes, but I hadn’t expected him to smile at all, not tonight anyway. He waved for me to come into the room and I closed the door behind me. It was dark in my room now that the sun at set. The lights were still off and he stood and pulled off his jeans.

“Don’t worry, I just want to fall asleep and I can’t sleep in pants,” Jonathon said and I pulled my own pants down. He pulled the covers of my bed back sliding under them, I followed him. He pulled me closer to him, wincing when he hurt his arm. I wanted to scold him, tell him to take it easy so that it could take the time to heal, but I didn’t.

“Goodnight,” I said then felt him searching for my lips in the dark. I helped him by moving my face to meet his and he kissed me.

“Oh and I love you too,” Jonathon whispered, his lips brushing mine as he spoke. I felt him smile before he pulled his head away to rest it on my spare pillow, his broken arm still draped over my waist holding me there. It wasn’t long after I heard his breathing even out with a slight snore and I smiled closing my eyes, thinking the slight snore suited him.