The Box - 13. Chapter 13

July 6, 1999

I turned the page to start reading more, but here there were even more marks on this page. “There are more teardrops here,” I said, my voice cracking. “Brace yourselves.” They looked at me, JP, Brad, and Robbie, with somber expressions. This was agony, seeing the physical evidence of such emotional pain. As I looked at the three of them, I could tell they felt it too. None of us were strangers to heartache.

September 8, 1942

He’s gone. He’s actually gone. I can’t believe it. I don’t want to believe it. I took him down to the enlistment center and they took him with no problems, no real questions at all. I guess I thought they’d give him at least a couple of days before they shipped him out, but there was a train leaving that night, so he had very little time.

There was actually a funny vignette at the recruiting office. The marine doing the recruiting eyed me like a farmer looks at a cow, more fresh meat. “You here to sign up too boy?” he asked.

“No sir,” I’d answered respectfully. “Not until June, when I graduate from high school.”

“If you want to join up now, we can probably make it happen,” he’d said suggestively. I looked at Aaron and found the offer tempting, but I knew I couldn’t do it. We’d made our deal, both of us, and we’d have to live with the consequences.

“I promised my mother I’d wait until June,” I said.

“You afraid of your mother boy?” he asked me.

“No, but I probably should be,” I said, joking.

He frowned at me. “Can’t be a marine and be afraid of a woman.” That was said with a sneer.

“My mother is Gail Schluter. Do you know her?” I asked innocently. He looked at me, then got up and walked back to talk to the guy who ran the enlistment office. I knew him, he was a nice guy. He’d lived in Claremont for a long time. I saw them talking, then the marine came back, looking a little subdued.

“We’ll see you in June, son.” Aaron and I smiled, trying not to laugh at my mother’s fearsome reputation, so scary it had cowed even these marines.

In the end, it was probably a good thing that he only had a few hours to get his things together. I drove him to my house, to say goodbye to my mother. It was horrible. She completely broke down, turning into a complete mess, and there was nothing either of us could do to placate her.

The next stop was really strange. Aaron insisted that we go up and say goodbye to my aunt. We drove up Skyline, and I was so emotionally unstable that I didn’t even think about the precious gas I was consuming by driving up the hill.

“What a pleasure to see you boys,” my aunt had said in her normal, friendly voice. “What brings you here today?”

“I joined the Marines, ma’am,” Aaron had said respectfully, sounding a lot like I had when I’d answered the marine about my mother. “I ship out tonight. I just wanted to say goodbye.”

Now you have to know my aunt. She is always so cool, so calm, and so graceful, but not this time. It was really incredible to watch that veneer fall to pieces. She looked at him, then me, then back at him, and tears began to fall down her face. I watched her Herculean efforts at control, a battle which my mother had lost but my aunt ultimately won. “I am so proud of you for defending our country,” she’d said. “I will think of you often. If you will give me your address, I will write you.”

He’d smiled to thank her, and then jotted down the mailing address the marines had given him. “Thanks ma’am. Thanks for everything.”

“I enjoyed our time together,” she said, then the tears resumed. A final hug and we headed out. Only there was JP, standing in our way. It was awfully bold of him.

“Good luck. Take care of yourself,” he said to Aaron and held out his hand. He looked adorable, like such a little man.

“Thank you JP,” Aaron said, shaking his hand. “You going to write me?”

“If you want me to,” he said shyly, then blushed and walked off. Aaron looked at me and I shrugged. Then we drove back to his house.

I wasn’t prepared for that, not at all. His father was pissed off, mad as hell. I couldn’t tell if he was mad because Aaron had defied him and joined the Marines, or mad because he was leaving.

“How the hell did you get into the Marines?” he screamed.

“I lied and told them I was 18,” Aaron had said confidently, standing there in front of his father.

“Well what happens when I go down and tell them you’re not? What happens then?” he screamed.

“I’ll be gone by then, and it will be too late,” he said calmly.

“You are doing so good in school. You could go to college. You could be the one that breaks out of here,” he said, his volume a little louder.

“I still can, Dad. I still can. When I get back, I’ll have enough money saved up to go to college. That’s one of the reasons I’m doing this,” he lied.

They’d all just stared at Mr. Hayes, his entire family, waiting to see what he would do. “This is a stupid decision,” he groused. “Not much we can do about it now.”

Aaron grinned slightly, knowing that he’d gotten his way. “Thanks, Dad. I’ll make you proud.”

“You already have,” he said. Then he got up and gave Aaron a big hug. There were tears flowing down his face now, something I never thought I’d see: Fred Hayes, crying. We all just stared, amazed. Then he let Aaron go. “Take care of yourself,” he said, and then went back to his bedroom.

There were more tears as he said goodbye to his brothers. Nathan was last, and Aaron handed him a small envelope. “My Dodge, it’s yours.”

“Mine?” he asked, amazed.

“Yeah, I won’t need it,” Aaron said.

“Thanks,” Nathan said. More tears. And then it was time to say goodbye to his mother. That was really painful.

“Thanks, Mom, for letting me do this,” he said.

“I’ll probably regret it, but I know how important it is to you.” And finally, after that hugely emotional scene, we were able to extract ourselves. We had about an hour or so before he had to be at the station.

“Drive out to that park right outside of town,” he told me. “I like that place.” So I did. It was a nice park, about two miles outside of town on the road you take to go to Columbus. I parked the car and we walked down the path into the deserted woods. It was a beautiful afternoon, not too hot like it can be this time of year.

He led me to a stand of trees that was really hidden and pulled me in for a deep kiss. “Make love to me, one more time, right here,” he said. I looked around, to make sure there was no one there, and then I did just that. I pushed him against one of the trees and pulled the back of his pants down and undid my zipper.

We’d had a goodbye fuck earlier, so he was still lubed. I slipped right into him. It felt so right, like this was the place I was supposed to be, where I belonged. I made slow, passionate love to him, not talking, but letting the tears flow the whole time. We came together, something we did a lot, but this time it was special. This time it was important. We got back into the car and drove to the train station, neither one of us saying anything.

“I want to say something to you,” he said.

“Go ahead,” I said nervously.

“I love you so much Steve. I do. When we’re done with this war, if you want, I want to go somewhere, run off, just the two of us. Somewhere where we can be together and not get killed for it. Maybe New York or someplace like that.”

“Really?” I asked. He nodded. I grinned at him. “I want that too.” Now he grinned back.

“The hardest part about this whole thing is leaving you. You have to know that,” he said earnestly. I just nodded. If I’d spoken, tears would have flowed, and I was so fucking sick of crying. “I love my country. It’s part of me. Someone hurt her, so I have to go kick his ass.”

That was a pretty stupid rationale, but for some reason, it made sense. “I understand,” I told him. Then he gave me a big hug, probably one that was too long, grabbed his bag, and headed into the train station. And I was all alone.

I drove home and went straight up to my room, avoiding everyone, until my mother finally came up to see me. She didn’t really say anything, she just came in and hugged me and let me cry on her shoulder. After I calmed down, she got up and left, and I started writing in this diary.

September 18, 1942

Aaron’s been gone for over a week now, but it seems like it was just yesterday that he left. I thought that with time, having him gone would get easier, but it hasn’t. If anything, it’s just gotten harder. I felt like a zombie. I went to school, then came home and did nothing. I just sat in my room and looked at the walls, and cried most of the time. No one knew about that, I was careful not to let anyone see the tears, but they were there. I’ve been too depressed to do anything, even write in here, until today. I guess I have to talk to someone, and this is like talking to myself, so I’m writing in this journal.

I’m writing here because I’m scared shitless. I’m scared for Aaron. Last month we’d gone on the offensive in the Pacific, which was pretty swell. We invaded some island called Guadalcanal, and the primary force was Marines. I knew Aaron wasn’t there, he was still in training, but that’s the kind of place they’d probably send him, and it sounded scary as hell. The Japs were running in reinforcements and we were holding on to the part of the island with the airbase, but just barely, or so it seemed. Can we win? Will we put a bunch of guys on that island and then lose the battle? I think we can win, but what if I’m wrong? And then the next time they send a bunch of guys ashore to storm the beaches, Aaron may be one of them. It’s just hard to even comprehend.

Barbie is pissed at me for ignoring her. We got into a big argument today, and I found that I really didn’t care. I’m so numb, I just don’t feel anything. She told me that if I wasn’t going to take her to the dance on Saturday night, there was no reason for us to go steady.

“Fine,” I’d said.

“So you’ll go?” she asked.

“No,” I’d said, and walked away. I just didn’t need that kind of bullshit. I didn’t need her making demands on me right now. She knew Aaron left. She knows how close we are. Why doesn’t she understand that I need some time alone to just sulk?

Then after school I got into a fight, a real fight, with fists and everything. I was walking down the hall on my way out of school when I ran into Jim and two of his buddies; they were giving Nathan a bunch of shit, pushing him around and stuff. It was deserted: school was out and no one else was around. I pretty much snapped my cap. Those guys never would have tried that bullshit if Aaron was here.

Nathan looks like an easy target, but he’s not. He’s pretty short - he’s only about 5’5 or 5’6 – so short that his younger brother is actually taller than him. But he’s a strong little guy, with some of the biggest biceps I think I’ve seen. It’s kind of funny, because I think he’s actually kind of shy about them since he usually wears shirts that cover them up. But because you can’t see his guns, and because he’s short, it makes him seems soft. He could have handled Jim on his own with no problem, because Jim is a big girl, but Jim had help.

I knew both of the guys who were with him. One was John Bartok, a real scumball like Jim. The other guy was Chris Vogel, a guy who’s usually pretty nice but is easily led. I could take any one of them individually, on a normal day, but this wasn’t a normal day. Today, I was pissed, and the rage flowing through my body gave me strength. I was like Popeye and I’d just eaten some Spinach.

I rushed up and got right in Jim’s face. “What the fuck are you doing?” I used the word, fuck, just to get his attention, secretly hoping there weren’t any teachers around to hear me.

“None of your business,” he said.

“Nathan’s a friend of mine. Leave him alone,” I said through gritted teeth.

“Or else what?” he asked, with that smarmy attitude. There’s something about his cocky attitude that really does it for me. I think it’s because no one in town wants to mess with his family, so he can get away with it. I didn’t have to worry about that. No matter what I did, he was still my cousin, and there’s no way my Grandfather Crampton was going to let Jim or his dad do anything to me. But his attitude, that little sneer he has, just set me off.

“Or else this,” I said, and wound up and let go with a powerful right hook, catching him right in the eye. He fell back, holding his head. Normally, if I have to fight, a single punch usually gives me some satisfaction and I can calm down, but not this time. This time I just jumped on him, knocked him down, and started waling on him. It was actually pretty pathetic, since all he did was put his hands across his face to block my punches. I don’t know how long I pummeled him, but it was a long time because my hands hurt like hell now. I finally felt strong arms around me, pulling me off.

“Knock it off Steven!” I heard a loud, adult voice say. It was the football coach. Evidently, he’d been wandering up to the office and seen us. “What the heck is wrong with you?”

“I caught this, uh…” I almost said ‘asshole’, but stopped in time. I paused to think of a word, but just went with his name instead. “I caught Jim and a couple of his friends picking on Nathan Hayes. Three on one didn’t seem too fair.” I spit the words out. I was so pissed off I was shaking.

“So you decided to join in the fight?” he demanded.

“Yeah.” I looked around and noticed that everyone else had fled in the face of Authority, but I didn’t care. It was how things were. “He never would have tried that if Aaron were still here.”

“Well he’s not here, is he?” Jim asked in his smart-ass tone. “Your boyfriend is off fighting Japs.”

“You’ll probably sit this one out, right Jim?” I taunted. “You’re too big of a coward to actually fight.” That pissed him off, and he jumped up, fire in his eyes, ready to come at me.

Then the coach did something so surprising I still can’t believe it. He looked at us both sternly, collecting his words, while we just glared at each other. “We’re in a war, and we have to support our guys who are fighting. And that means sticking up for their brothers when they’re gone.” He basically told Jim he was an asshole.

We didn’t say anything, just glared at each other. “I’m wondering if you guys want to take this up to the office, or if you just want to go home?” he asked. My turn to give Jim a smarmy grin. He was a big tattletale. He’d love to go and whine to the Principal. Only this time he’d be taking me on, and that meant my mother would be involved, and none of these people wanted to deal with her, including me.

He looked at me, weighing his options, while I taunted him with a sneer. He wiped the blood off his nose and just nodded and left. The coach watched him leave, and then looked around as if to see if anyone else was there. “Good job, Steve,” he said, patted me on the back, and left me standing there in the hall, stunned.

I drove home and knew I’d have to tell my mom about it. If I didn’t, and she heard it from someone else, she’d really lay into me. I got home and found her in the kitchen, writing down some notes or something.

“How was school today?” she asked cheerfully.

“Rotten. I got in a fight,” I said. She looked up at me, the cheer gone.

“With whom?” she asked. Her tone told me she had a pretty good idea whom I’d fought with.

“Jim,” I said, confirming her suspicions.

“What is with you two? Why do you insist on causing problems with him?” she demanded.

“It’s my fault is it? You haven’t even heard the story and you already blame me. I bet that doesn’t happen to Jim. I bet he goes up and tells Uncle Jack, and Uncle Jack tells him what a swell guy he is, and how it must be everyone else who is wrong. But not you. No, you jump on me, blame me first thing.” I was yelling by the time I was done, and she got up to look me in the eye.

“Who threw the first punch?” she demanded self-righteously. She knew he was a punk, and it would have been me that started it.

“I did,” I said, but I said it almost proudly.

“That’s why I jumped on you, because I knew you started it,” she said.

“Fine. Think what you want,” I said, and pushed past her and headed upstairs. I heard her yell my name, but I ignored her. If she wanted to talk to me, let her lug her butt up the stairs to my room. Which is exactly what she did.

“Don’t run away from me when I’m talking to you,” she said as she came into my room.

“I didn’t think we were talking, I thought you were moralizing. I figured I’d let you do that all by yourself,” I shot back. We glared at each other for a while. “Do you want to hear what happened? You think you can keep quiet that long?”

“Fine. Go ahead.” She kept glaring at me.

So I told her the whole story, how they’d been pushing Nathan around, just like I wrote it here. She just stood there, her expression softening more and more until the guilt was visible. Then I felt kind of bad. My arguments with her were about winning a battle, not hurting her or making her feel bad. Well, at least that’s how I ended up feeling about it.

“Well, I don’t see how violence is going to help,” she said weakly when I was done, trying to save face.

“I don’t get it, Mom. You know that guy’s a total asshole, even if he is my cousin.” I made a mental note, noticing that I’d gotten away with saying ‘asshole’. “He thinks he’s the cock of the walk, always causing other people trouble.”

“Why does it have to be you that constantly confronts him?” she asked. In other words, why did I have to cause family problems?

“Because I’m the only one who can get away with it. If it was anyone else, they’d have gotten hauled up to the office and suspended. Jim would have had Uncle Jack come down and raise hell, and the other guy would have gotten nailed. If Nathan had done that, he’d be suspended and his parents would be all over him, especially now that Aaron’s gone,” I told her.

She looked at me, and then smiled. “I understand.” And that was so swell, the way she finally got that I wasn’t just being a jerk, that I was sticking up for a friend.

“It helps that they’re all scared to death of you too,” I told her. “Even the Marines don’t want to cross you.”

“So you say,” she said, but she liked her reputation, liked being tough as nails and not putting up with shit from anyone.

“Well, when I went in with Aaron to sign up, they tried to get me to join too,” I said, and watched her brows furrow. “I told them who my mother was, and they said they’d see me in June.”

“You’re making that up,” she said, laughing.

“Nope, I’m not. Maybe you should be over fighting the Japs?”

She laughed, and then got somber. “I wish none of us had to.” Then we both thought of Aaron until the sadness filled the room. She gave me a hug and left me alone here, so I figured I’d spend some time writing this down. That way, I can remember all the crap Jim does in case I ever get called on it.

I hear my mom yelling for me, so I have to go. My life sucks.

September 19, 1942

I’m a little better today. I’ll pick this up from where I stopped writing on Friday. I went downstairs to see what my mom wanted. I’d peeked out back to see if anyone was here, and there was Aaron’s little Dodge. I’d almost lost it, I’d gotten so happy, and ran down the stairs. I kept thinking that maybe he had ingrown toenails or something and they said he couldn’t join. Maybe he was back, and he’d finish school. So I went charging into the kitchen, all excited, only to find myself face to face with Nathan, well, inasmuch as I could be since he’s a good six inches shorter than me. I felt my expression fade, but I couldn’t stop it.

“You thought I was Aaron?” he asked, concerned.

“I was kind of hoping. Not that I don’t want to see you,” I told him quickly.

He grinned shyly. He looked a lot like Aaron. All of the Hayes boys looked pretty similar. They all had that unique look, and those lavender eyes. It was only in two places they looked different. The first was in height. Aaron was the tallest, so far anyway. I always thought Nathan would catch up to him when he got his growth spurt, but it never really came. I knew it bothered him, but he seemed to deal with it by just building up his muscles. He was on the wrestling team. I don’t think I could do that. I’d get hard as a rock rolling around with guys like that.

The other area is hair color. Nathan was unique in that he had really dark brown hair, much darker than the others. It made him seem more mature, and more sensitive, although I really don’t know why. “I hope you don’t mind me coming over,” he said nervously, breaking into my train of thought.

“No, it’s good to see you. Come on,” I said, and led him up to my room. My mom just watched us, and I caught the look of sadness in her eyes. She missed Aaron too. I led him into my room and he sat in my chair, which is pretty comfortable, while I sprawled out on my bed. “So what brings you over here?”

“I wanted to thank you for sticking up for me, but you don’t have to do that. I can take care of myself,” he said. It was really funny, because he started out his sentence with a grateful tone, but ended it in a defiant one.

“I knew you could kick Jim’s ass, plus one of those other guys, but three’s a lot even for a big guy like you,” I said, grinning at him.

“Quit making fun of me,” he said, all pissed off.

Guess he wasn’t in the mood to joke about this. I forced myself to get all serious. “I mean it,” I told him. “You’re big enough to take those guys.”

“Well thanks. So you don’t need to jump in and save me. I don’t want them thinking that I’m only safe because you’re defending me,” he said, still irritated. It was a pride thing.

I figured I’d pull out the argument I’d just used with my mom. “OK, well after you’d beat the shit out of Jim, and then they’d hauled you up to the office, what do you think would happen?”

“I’d get suspended, and then my dad would kick my ass,” he said honestly. I grinned. “Why, what happened to you?”

“Nothing,” I told him. “Football coach broke it up.”

“I know. We saw him and we all ran. I’m sorry I left you there.”

“You were supposed to,” I told him. “No use you getting in trouble too.” He nodded. “So the coach asks us if we want to go to the office or just forget about it. Jim wiped the blood off his nose and walked away.”

Nathan laughed pretty hard at that. “You were kicking his ass.” There was admiration in his eyes.

“He’s a punk,” I said.

“None of his friends did a thing,” Nathan pointed out. “We just watched. I was expecting they’d try and break it up, but they just watched.” Jim’s friends weren’t all that loyal, evidently.

It dawned on me that I was actually having fun and enjoying myself for the first time since Aaron left, and that was all because Nathan was here. I asked him to stay over for dinner, and he did. He charmed my parents and my grandfather. He’s pretty cute, with a grin like Aaron’s, but a whole different demeanor. Aaron is like a bull: everyone knows he’s there and he sort of commands attention. Nathan’s not like that. He’s real polite, a shy charmer, the kind of guy who is much more subtle. Whatever he did, it worked. So we goofed around for a while after that, then he said he had to go. I was tempted to ask him to stay over, because I enjoyed his company so much, but it seemed like it was important to him to get home.

“This is really hard on me, having him gone,” he told me as he was leaving.

“I know,” I said. Two words, but he got the pain and emotion buried in them.

“You’re his best friend, so you remind me of him,” he told me. “It makes it easier. Thanks for letting me goof around with you.”

“You’re his brother; you guys damn near look alike. You make it easier for me too. This last week and a half has been hell.” He just nodded. He got ready to leave but I stopped him. “Um, you doing anything tomorrow night?”

“There’s the dance,” he said.

“You going?”

“I figured you’d be going. I figured you’d take Barbie,” he told me, not answering my question.

“Nope, we had a fight about that. So I’m not going,” I told him. “Are you?” I asked again.

“Not to this one,” he said.

“Let’s goof around then,” I said. “I’ve got enough gas rations that we can burn up a few.”

“Swell,” he’d said, with that grin that could be Aaron’s. “I’ll see you tomorrow then.”

I’m writing this and I feel like I just made a date to go out with Aaron’s little brother. How screwed up is that? It’s like dating your girlfriend’s sister. Only it’s not a date, we’re just pals, but still, it feels weird. I hope I’m not coming across like a creep. I’d better play this one cool.

1999

I stopped reading and Brad burst out laughing. “And what is so funny?” I demanded. The whole thing was sad and painful.

“I’m sorry Stef,” he said. “I’m just laughing because I’m betting that your dad is going to try to sleep with every one of Robbie’s uncles.”

“Hopefully he didn’t sleep with my dad,” Robbie said, joking as well. JP didn’t laugh; he just got a really worried expression on his face. What was it that was bothering him? I wondered for the zillionth time if finding this diary and reading it was a good idea. For me, it was fantastic, giving me a glimpse of my father, of his inner thoughts. I felt like I was really getting to know him, and to like him, more and more. But for JP, it just seemed to bring on anxiety.