Attraction - 17. Chapter 17 - It kicks in

I had been waiting for it, looking out for the signs. Finally, it had arrived. I was in love with Kent, he was in love with me. If you asked me how I knew, I wouldn’t have been able to answer. After all, love is a much abused term. It’s just that I could not find another explanation for the emotions associated with Kent. With acceptance came the reality check. Whether I wanted it or not, the ‘future’ was in the reckoning. We were together, in it, to make our relationship last as long as it can; if possible life long.

If death is the only certainty in life, then separation is thing only guaranteed end of any relationship. Whether through death, space, misunderstanding, apathy or derision – every relationship, no matter how meaningful, comes to an end. The last chapter of any story of attachment is filled with sorrow. Best lived people learnt to forget about death, the same way most loving couples refuse to consider break-up. It’s like a chronic illness everyone expects would bypass them - ‘that’s not gonna happen to me’.

Kent I believed fell in the category of those people who knew how to live a contented life. If anything, his assuredness was more fanatic in its quietness. It was like he had resolved, ‘I’m not going to fuck this up.’ It extended to also include, ‘I’m not gonna let Jon fuck it up either.’ For me, that was pressure. I mean, he was perfect, too perfect to be saddled with a blundering idiot like me. He’d keep his end of the bargain for sure. How would I live up to be worthy of him?

Next Monday on my way to work, months since I had made any attempt to, I looked for the ‘train guy’. I had spotted him a few times in recent months; it was inevitable given the obvious overlap of our schedules. During those incidents, the tone of my observation had changed to become more of a fond musing than that intense desire I used to feel earlier. That day, I felt myself stare at his ass with a bit more interest than I had felt in recent times. I was wondering things that I had not wondered about since meeting Kent. As a result, by the time I reached office – guilt and unwarranted foreboding had driven me to paranoia. I sought Trevor out, literally forcing him away from a conversation he was having with a colleague.

“That wasn’t cool. We were discussing project updates there.”

“I know, I’ll apologize to her later, but I need talk to you.”

“What happened?”

“Lots. I met Kent’s parents last weekend and then I let him fuck me –“

“Dude? TMI man!”

“Fuck that, that’s not it, I checked out the train guy today.”

“So?”

“So? I’m finally sure that I love Kent and… and I check out other men. Isn’t that wrong?”

I was ranting in the middle of the corridor and a few people turned to look at my outburst. Trevor took a deep breath. Then he whispered.

“Jon, if I didn’t know you well I’d have thought that taking it up the ass has turned you into a drama queen. But then you have always been one.”

I demonstrated my hurt through a stricken expression.

He ignored it and continued. “This is your first relationship. Why don’t you park your assumptions on how things are supposed to work, or how they’re not? Just fucking give yourself a chance. You’re in love. Enjoy it” he softened a bit after that. “This may be the love of your life, man! You wanna spoil the party with your bullshit loser thinking? You cry wolf long enough the wolf would show up at your door.”

His cold tone had canned my neurotic behavior. As much as his words affected me, I was sobered up by another observation. Trevor was in a bad mood. Trevor was never in a bad mood. I was such a self-obsessed ass-hole, it had not occurred to me that he may be having issues of his own. On closer look I noticed how tired his eyes looked, his hair was not set. He hadn’t tried to co-ordinate his clothes.

“Are you alright?” I asked, shifting tones.

My question threw him off. He looked away and ran his hand through the locks.

“Yes... No. Well, we’ll talk at lunch. I need to get going.” He gave me a pointed look meaning we would pick it up later. I respected that and went towards my desk, mind whirring with speculations.

Incredibly, I managed to get some real work done by the time Trevor came to my desk to go for lunch. I was wrapping up distractedly, still thinking about the code I had been writing when he said, “I’m going to propose to Cara.”

“What?” I squealed. Clearing my throat I went forward and patted him on the shoulder, “Congrats buddy, that’s a great news. Wow! Did you get a ring?”

He nodded and produced a small velvet box from his pocket. I opened it quickly. Inside was a vintage ring with a sizeable emerald in the middle. Good choice, I thought.

“Do you like it? I picked it up online. Well, my sister helped me. It’s Cara’s birth stone apparently.”

“It’s gorgeous. Why’re you carrying it in you pocket?”

“Don’t want her to find it accidentally.” Oh right, they were practically living together. I still didn’t get why he was sad about it though. We started towards the cafeteria.

“What’s with the long face then?” I asked.

“I don’t know man!” he let out in exasperation. “Am I rushing into it? What if she says no?”

We were getting Pho’s today and placed our order before taking a table. It gave me time to ponder. So it wasn’t abnormal to be scared. In that case what was with the lecture I got this morning?

“What’re you afraid of? That she’ll say no? Or that she’ll say yes?”

He gave me a thinking man’s pose.

“That she’ll say no? I know it’s just been eight months since we met but in my gut I know this is it. I want to be with her.”

“You can be with her without proposing marriage. If this thing scares you so much…” I shrugged.

“It’s... it validates my commitment, you know. The ring is a declaration, a promise.”

“Like how some animals piss on the females after mating? You want to stake your claim on her?” This had turned into one of those serious discussions. I wasn’t sure if I was out of my depth or not. He seemed happy enough to hear my opinion.

“No! It’s not that simple. I mean yes, I want to tell everyone that we are together and she’s my partner for life. But it also opens the gate to all the things we can think of doing together and with legal rights.”

“House, kids, dogs and a picket fence.”

“Jon, everything I do in life here on, I want to do it for her and the life we have together. All that’s mine I want it now to be hers and vice versa.”

I had no come back for that. We each finished up our bowl in silence. I was beginning to understand his fear. According to Trevor, he had found the person he wanted to build a life with. He did not know if she felt the same. He was afraid of losing who he thought could be his soul mate.

Evidently, it did not matter how spontaneous and honest we were, relationships are bound to make us second guess and fear making a wrong move. He did not want to scare Cara off with the intensity of his feelings. Me? I was terrified of merely entertaining the thought of commitment. To me the faintest inkling of that possibility, that Kent is my ‘it’, was causing runny stomach.

In our elevator ride back, I put my hand on Trevor’s shoulder and said with complete sincerity,

“You are a great person, Trevor. Your heart is clean. Do what you think is right. Let’s hope Cara feels the same. In fact, from what I know of her, she would know where you’re coming from. You can trust her to do the right thing. Isn’t that enough to go with your heart here?”

With the ‘ding’ of the elevator appeared Trevor’s boyish grin. He hugged me before we stepped out.

“You’re my best friend, Jon. If she says yes, then you’re the best man come wedding day.”

“You’ll rock it, tiger.” I cheered, squeezing my eyes to shun oncoming tears away.

“Amen to that. Gotta go. I have a date to plan.” I planted a kick on his ass to set him off. Right on cue, Kent texted me.

Hot Shot: What’s up babe? Done with lunch?

Me: Yes! And I have news  .

I was such a blabber mouth! Good thing Kent wasn’t or we would have spoilt Trevor’s surprise. My heart told me he and Cara would be fine. Wish it told me good things like that about myself too.