Attraction - 21. Chapter 21 – Despair

My heart was so heavy; it seemed to outweigh my body. First when Kent left I just sat down on the floor and tried to think. It was easy, very easy to feel sorry for myself but I tried to fight that. After a while, I lost that battle and finally hauled myself into the comfort of my bed with a bottle of wine in hand. On Saturday, I only got up to take shit, to grab water and get bread & cheese when I felt hungry. I channel surfed some, but mostly just stayed awake till alcohol induced sleep took over.

Deliverance came on Sunday in the form of Jenny. She apparently had been trying my phone since Friday and had called up Kent when I did not answer. Result was that she was at my door with her bags, banging away.

“We’re having a pity party here, are we?” She barked as soon as I opened. Never standing on ceremony she walked right in. At the time I did not know that she knew what had happened and just stood by the door after closing it.

From inside the bedroom I heard her shout “Gosh it stinks in here, did you air this room in the last week?” When I went inside, she was in the process of pushing the windows. Finished she turned to look.

“I spoke with Kent. Do you want to tell me what happened?”

“My mom!”

“I know that story. What happened between you and Kent?”

I wanted to scream at her. What did she mean by that? My Mom is what had happened. She had told Kent about my unreliability. He had finally figured it out. I knew those answers would not suffice with Jenny. What else could I say?

“Talk to me Jon?”

“Kent asked me something.” My mind was groggy. “He, he asked me why I loved him.”

Jenny had been taking a General’s stance so far. At the quiver in my voice her look softened.

“Come here.” She opened her arms and I went willingly into her embrace. “You did not have the answer did you?”

I shook my head against her shoulder.

“Do you know now?”

“I don’t. All I know is that...” I wailed, “Life without him… it’s, I can’t bear it.”

“Why don’t you tell him that?”

“What’s the point? He’s better off without me?”

“Hey! Don’t say that!”

I cried some more. “I did something bad.”

“What?” She was patting my head, softly.

“I don’t know. I think… you remember the train guy?” I left her arms to look at her face. She nodded. “I might have done something with him. I met him in the bar after I came back. I don’t know what happened but he dropped me back and Kent was here.”

“Oh Jon! We need to find out what happened.”

“What’s the point? First sign of trouble and I prove myself as untrustworthy.”

“That’s not enough. First you need to know what exactly you have done. Then figure out how to handle it. Look at me” she demanded my attention. “Kent loves you, you love him. And you guys deserve to be happy; with each other. Don’t let small misunderstandings get in the way. In the larger scheme of things this won’t matter. No matter what you’ve done with that train guy.”

“His name is Carter.”

“Whatever the fuck!” she exploded. “I don’t gIve a shit.” She started pacing. “Can you get in touch with him?”

“I don’t want to. I have his number. I just… I don’t want to.”

“But we need to find out, Jon.” She insisted.

I turned away and went to the bathroom to wash my face. I gave myself a hard look in the mirror. Who was this guy looking back at me? Was it just a collection of eyes, nose, mouth and hair? Or was it a person? A person who Kent had said all those great things about? Was that me? A new resolve flowed into my veins.

“Let’s go to the bar.” I shouted. “Remember Clinton? He was there?”

Jenny appeared at the bathroom door. “That hot meathead all the queens lust after?”

“He is not a meathead. If I remember correctly, you wet your panties when you saw him too.”

“Shut up!” She smiled. It was good to see a positive expression. I felt like it had been too long since I had encountered it.

Washed and dressed, Jenny and I shared the umbrella on the walk to the bar. Portland was offering its chilly and wet best. By the time we reached, we were cold to the bone and I wanted an urgent drink to warms my insides. Poor thing, Jenny, stuck with water. Clinton wouldn’t start for another hour so we decided to wait. Promptly at six, in walked the Norse God in his wet bike gear. He waved an uncertain greeting towards me before heading behind the bar.

When he reappeared, sporting his tattoos in his perennial vest, I, with Jenny in tow, went to pick his brains.

“How’s it going?” he asked me with a smile. He had met Jenny before and gave her an inscrutable look.

“Clinton, I need your help, man!” there was no intention to beat around the bush.

“What happened?”

“That’s what I need to know. What happened on Thursday?”

Someone came to the bar and Clinton excused himself to do his job. When he came back, the expression on his face was somber.

“You got really wasted that night man. It didn’t take many drinks. I guess the stress got to you.”

I nodded. “Did I meet someone?” I asked cautiously.

He took a long breath. “Yea, there was this other guy. You seemed to know him from before. He was in bad shape before he came here. You guys got into a race on who could get more shit faced. “

“Is that it? Or did we, did I..?” I hesitated.

Jenny intervened here, “He means to ask if there was any funny business.”

Clinton looked at Jenny now as he spoke. “Well, I don’t know your definition of funny but it did seem to me that Jon here was throwing himself at the guy.”

“Oh no!” I buried my face in my hand.

“That doesn’t mean a thing” my friend said to me, “you were very upset.”

“That you were” Clinton added sympathetically.

I raised my head with what I was sure a pained look, “Did we kiss?”

“From what I saw, I think he tried to kiss you.”

“He did?” this was unbelievable.

“And what were you doing? Watching them like a hawk?”

“There were very few people here and I was worried for Jon.”

Clinton was seemingly affronted by Jenny.

I intervened quickly, “Thanks for watching over me man. Did you see anything else?”

“Yes.” He gave Jenny another look before answering, “you dropped from your stool when he tried to kiss you and broke a glass.”

Then it came back to me. I remembered the glass breaking.

“We left immediately after that didn’t we?”

“You did. He offered to take you home.”

“Yes. We caught a cab right outside. I passed out in it. Then he took me to my door. And Kent was there.”

Jenny let out a huge sigh. “So nothing happened. Thank God!”

“No, Jenny. Something did happen.”

The next words tumbled out emotionlessly. “He was coming up to spend the night.”