Attraction - 7. Chapter 7 – Where am I?

As I slipped the keys into the lock of my front door, it felt like I might be opening the doors not to my apartment but to a whole new life. All the beer I had consumed had me a little dodgy on the feet, not at all helped by Kent’s sturdy, hot as fuck, presence next to me. The anticipation of a possible fuck had contributed to my wobbliness. Once inside I went straight into the bedroom and dropped flat on the bed. Kent followed at his leisure. I raised my head to locate him; he was leaning on the door watching me. It was all extremely nineties movie foreplay and I laughed inadvertently at the thought.

“What’s the joke?” Kent asked from where he was.

“Nothing… well actually, I am finding this whole thing a bit cheesy.” I was staring at the ceiling. When I did not hear a comeback, I had to raise my head again. “You’re not?”

He shook his head in the negative then stepped forward and took a seat on the bed, back turned to me. It worried me, this lack of eye contact.

“Jon” he started, “when I said this morning that nothing like this has ever happened to me, I really meant it. I want you to know the extent of it.”

Oh shit, here we go. He was going to drop a bomb.

“I haven’t been with anyone in a while, almost four years to be exact. Before that, I was engaged… to a girl.”

Wait what? I was sitting up now and staring at Kent’s back. My mind started spinning. I remembered the question that had popped up in my head in the coffee shop. Sharon Stone, the bitch! Meanwhile, Kent had decided I was Father Jon, his confession taker or whatever.

“In my teenage years I was this geek who was good in sports and generally well liked i suppose. I have told you how formal things at home were. I was extremely ambitious, socially a bit awkward and spent more time dreaming about my career than which girl I wanted to screw. Graduating high-school I had very few friends and was mostly a virgin. When I went to college I finally decided to take some interest in girls and found it easy to be with them. Being close Cara, I suppose I find female company easy. Anyway, I joined a frat, had a couple of girlfriends; one of them became very serious. She came from a Bay Area middle class family like mine, we met each other’s parents, our parents met each other, it all went its natural course and after college when we both got jobs in San Francisco, we moved in together. At my mom’s inisistence I even proposed to her. It felt like the right thing to do. Until then I hadn’t been too bothered by it but once we started living together I started wondering if I was asexual. Alex, my ex, she was this beautiful passionate girl, very sexy, who was ready to do anything for me, but I still wasn’t happy. Our sex life, it was good, very good in the beginning, but soon it lost its steam. All my friends would tell just how horny they were for their girlfriends and I would wonder, why don’t I feel that way?”

I was completely enraptured in his story and was sitting with my legs folded under me, staring at his hunched back. I wanted to touch him but thought he needed do get this off his chest without my intervention. Neither of us had bothered with the lights and the room had gotten dark. I could see his silhouette in the light from outside.

“We started having meaningless fights. Everything she did irritated me. Same with her I guess. In my mind I was blaming her for my lack of interest. I started visiting strip clubs, chatting up women in bars. A couple of times I cheated on Alex.”

He was sounding so ashamed of himself. I couldn’t help myself and put my hand on his shoulder. He leaned his head onto my hand, brushing his cheeks on my fingers.

“She found out. She smelt some perfume on my clothes. I cannot forget her face; the way she cried after confronting me. Today I think both of us were lucky it ended when it did. We were still young. But I cannot get over the guilt. It took me a long time to not hate myself. I still feel guilty I guess.”

He got quiet. Although I was feeling bad for him, my own mind was bursting with quite a few relevant questions. It was one thing to cheat on your girlfriend with another woman, totally different from being here with me. There were too many blanks needing to be filled. I waited to see if he continued, but not for long.

“What happened then? How did you find out -?” Shit! I had never asked him if he considered himself as Gay. I had just assumed. Was he bi then? Now I was beginning to feel nauseous. Thankfully Kent quickly took charge and turned to look at me. I needed that.

“Cara. She came to live with me and stood by me like a rock. She pulled me out of my funk, forced me to go to work and live normally. I started seeing a therapist. She, even though she is my sister, extracted the real reasons behind my behavior. She asked me if sex with these other women had been better. I could not honestly say yes. We were in a bar I remember. She then asked me what I thought about some random guy there. He was a good looking guy and I said so. She asked me if I found him hot.” He chuckled at the memory. “I spit my drink, I was so shocked. Anyway, she said since I was a fee bird I should explore and find out what I really wanted.”

“She’s a very smart girl -” I said, “- isn’t she?” it was really impressive.

“She is. She took me to gay clubs, introduced me to her gay friends. We would dance together and some guy would come and join us, she would let me dance with him. At first it was awkward. It helped to find out whether I was truly attracted to men. She also hooked me onto gay porn.”

“What?”

“No no, she didn’t watch it with me or anything, just gave me the names of a few sites. We even went to some LGBT meetings. Gradually I realized that she had been on the right track all along.”

We were talking very calmly now. I was sitting on the same side of the bed as him; his arm around me.

“When did you first do it with a guy?”

He turned to look at me again.

“I haven’t.”

“What?” Of all the things he had told me, this was the biggest shock of all.

“It’s not that I didn’t try. I got onto dating sites and met with a few guys. I just felt intimidated by everyone I went out with. They were either - extremely sure of their sexuality and flaunted it like a badge, or just took the opposite route and went out of their way to act butch. It must have been just the guys I met and I’m not judging them or anything. I just couldn’t connect. I even went home with a couple but it just fizzled out.” He looked at me to see if it was making sense to me. “I guess last year or so my school has kept me busy too, so there hasn’t been a lot of time on hand.”

“Then how is it that you’re here?”

His expression softened.

“Cara was worried about me. She told me about Trevor. By the way I think they’re getting serious.” I nodded to let him know I knew. “Anyway she told me about this friend of Trevor’s she felt I’d like.” He squeezed my shoulder, making me feel all warm. “I trusted her judgment and was planning to make a trip anyway.” He left it at that. Cara’s judgment had obviously been correct. Oh wait. Had it?

There was a lot to take in here. The beer buzz had subsided and I was thirsty.

“Want some water?” I asked. He nodded yes, so I got up.

As I took a chilled bottle out of the fridge and took a long swig, my mind was blank with not an idea on how or what I was supposed to feel. Kent had gone through a lot and came with a lot more baggage than me, which was surprising given how much more comfortable he appeared to be in his own skin compared to me. I had had sex with scores of men and knew exactly what I liked whereas this man was a total virgin in the gay sense. Damn it, here I was pushing for action all the time whereas he obviously needed to take baby steps. I decided to tone my inner slut down and take it at the pace that was right for Kent. Feeling bolstered by my resolve I walked into the bedroom with the bottle. It dropped to the floor as soon as I entered the room.

Spread out on my bed, sitting up against the pillows, was a gloriously naked Kent. God his eyes were beautiful.

“I know what you might be thinking Jon” he said, “that I’m not ready… I am. I totally am. And I want you so badly, if you want me too.”

I guess I need not tell exactly how quickly I got my clothes off.