Brandon Smiling: From the Billy Chase Chronicles (2) - 22. Entry 22

Thursday

Well, after last night’s little melt down, I feel completely stupid for not at least calling Billy last night.

I have these fits of hysteria that completely screw with my head, you know? But, then, I suppose whoever reads this will have figured that out pretty quickly by now. All I ever seem to do with this Billy situation is go into hysterics.

All I had for him today was a stupid ‘I’m sorry’. No further explanation, just ‘sorry’.

But, then, how am I even supposed to tell Billy about how I felt last night without completely confessing my undying love for him, his ultra-cute smile, his dimples, and his fine ass? Speaking of ass, wow! As he was walking away from me all disappointed because I’m ‘Brandon the Disappointment,’ I was not disappointed at all in watching his buns rock up and down as he walked! If I’d just played my cards right yesterday and, frigging, put my stupid homework aside for a minute, I could have gone to his house and gotten up close and personal to those beautiful cheeks bare as you dare! Instead, I only got to watch them move in his jeans…as he walked away looking sad.

What the hell is wrong with me?

He’ll be mad at me now. Maybe, I’ve screwed this up permanently this time! He won’t trust me to ask me back to his place now…

Oh, for crying out loud! What the fuck am I supposed to do with all this? I, like, took all this forward momentum I’ve been building up with Billy and completely threw it out the window! What of all of Chandler’s great advice? That was all, just, pointless, I guess.

Ok…it is what it is.

I’ve got the science project I have to do with Stevie tomorrow.

I’ll just focus on that and forget Billy.

That’s not possible though…I’ll never forget the look of betrayal in Billy’s eyes today.

I just want to die.

…Brandon.

Friday

I just found out my Papa (the Italian name for my grandpa on my Mom’s side) just passed away.

I didn’t know that last dinner we had with him in Italy would be the last time I’d ever get to see him again. It’s been so long since I’ve seen him, and I’m, kind of, heartbroken about this. He was one of the few links I had left to my Mom. My Nonna is still alive, but apparently not doing so well. My Aunt Gina called late last night and my Dad told me this morning.

I remember the last time we were together at their villa. I was only still very young. Young enough to where they kept calling me ‘Bambino’. I thought they were calling me by the name of Bambi in the Disney cartoon. I kind of liked that. I liked being compared to a cartoon character. But, that’s how a little kid thinks. There are times, you know, that I wish I could go back to those times. When everything was simpler. When my family was still together…and alive in this world.

Anyway, I’ve been down all day about that.

I was bad enough to where I think I just made things worse between Billy and me, if that’s even possible. He came to be with me at lunch today, but I wasn’t worth squat as company. I shouldn’t have worried that he didn’t like me anymore. The way he was trying to get me to pay attention to him showed that he wanted to continue to connect with me. He kept trying to get me to say ‘I think of him’ like I did the other day. He kept saying that he ‘still thinks about me, all the time’ trying to pry the right response out of me. But, I was so not there today that I just didn’t respond very much. I should have stayed home from school. My attention span was just nonexistent today. But, I had to turn in some assignments from these projects I’ve been doing so I had to come today.

I wish I could make Billy understand…sometimes I get into these blue funks on certain days and I just shut down. When things like my Papa dying come up that’s when I’m going to be totally useless to everyone. I didn’t even have the energy to explain that to Billy today. I, kind of, just wanted to be alone today, but didn’t want to hurt Billy’s feelings that way…so naturally I did it in another way. He looked so disappointed when I wouldn’t respond.

If he wasn’t mad at me before, I’m sure he is now.

I didn’t even have Stevie to distract me from things today. He couldn’t get together with me today for the science project so we’ll have to do it this weekend. Swell. Now, I’ll have to give up my weekend to work some more. That’s just fucking fantastic…

Ok, I’ll quit now. I’m just depressing myself more.

This is Brandon mourning the loss of a very dear Grandpapa…

Saturday

So, I got together with Stevie today so we could finish that science project for school.

It was actually a lot more fun than I was expecting. Stevie managed to make it fun by being a bit goofy with the assignment like playing with the instruments, making stupid comments about what was in the book, and making total fun of the science teacher who is a bit of a nerd. I’m surprised we got anything done with the amount of goofing around we were doing.

But, we did manage to finish the lab and write down our ‘observations’. We were really ‘scientific’ about things too! Durrrr!

I was sure with all the giggling and horsing around we were doing that my Dad was going to get on our case for not taking our schoolwork seriously. But, he seemed preoccupied with something so he left us alone. I have to wonder what’s got him so involved. He’s either been on the phone or on the computer for days now! He’s skipped dinner a couple of times. I hope things are going ok at work! Somehow, I don’t think that’s the deal because rather than being worried he seems…happy somehow. He’s been in a good mood for all the time he’s been preoccupied.

I wonder…could he have met someone?

I, honestly, don’t know how I feel about that! Half of me feels very happy for my Dad if he has started dating again. He’s been so terribly lonely since my Mama’s passing and I definitely would like to see him happy again. On the other hand, the other half of me feels very weird about some strange lady coming in here and suddenly replacing my Mama! I mean, she could come live with us and be my Dad’s girlfriend or wife, but she’d never be my ‘Mom’. I don’t know if I’d be able to make that kind of connection with any other woman other than Mama. I’d have some real trouble with her having any kind of authority over me, that’s for sure! It would take some serious adjustments for me to allow some strange woman to come live in my house and order me around! This is my home! My Dad is the one who I respect and trust with that kind of authority.

I actually asked Stevie about it, since it was on my mind. His folks were divorced so he had real experience with this kind of problem.

“Oh, yeah. Fuck no! I never let any of these guys my Mom dates get under my skin. They’ll never be my Dad as much as they may try to buy me things, call me ‘Sport’, or try to tell me whatever. I respect them for being adults, but they’ll never get close. They’re for my Mom to play with. If my Mom says to do what so-and-so says, I’ll do it if it’s within reason. Otherwise, it’s ‘fuck off’ time for the both of them!” Stevie said. I’ve got to say, his ‘fuck off’ attitude is really great sometimes. It’s something I wish I could do better. Stevie never seems to let things bother him too much. He’s very cool like that. I think that’s why I like having him as a friend. He calms me down and helps me put things into perspective. He’s not as good as Chandler at that because Stevie never, really, explains himself. Stevie is more of an example, I guess.

Well, because of his extra-good mood, my Dad thought me and Stevie should ‘celebrate’ getting that stupid project done. That was a little weird! Never before has my Dad actually celebrated me just doing my homework! But, whatever had gotten into him, we ended up at Family Table Pizza and we had a great time. My Dad was actually pretty cool and funny with us. He even played some of the vintage video games they had with us! Did you know he actually kills at a game called Defender? I was like 😮!

I enjoyed it, but it left me more confused than ever.

I’ve just got to know what’s going on with my Dad…

This is Brandon being confused.