Brandon Smiling: From the Billy Chase Chronicles (2) - 24. Entry 24

Friday

So, Billy was back from suspension today and we did have lunch to talk about the ‘incident’.

I was mostly quiet while I listened to Billy’s side of things. He was, kind of like, it was ‘whatever’ to him. That it didn’t mean a whole lot. I imagine that was mostly because they punished him for getting into the fight. I’m sure it wasn’t his fault just like Bobby had said!

Speaking of which, Billy barely talked about Bobby’s involvement in the whole thing and he didn’t mention anything about the ‘dry-humping’ incident. I didn’t want to embarrass him about it, so I just let on that I knew about Kyle accusing Billy and Bobby of being ‘secret lovers’.

I didn’t push it. I didn’t ask the obvious question. Maybe, I didn’t because I didn’t know if I wanted to know the answer. Not that I’d, probably, get the truth out of Billy about it, but I didn’t ask if he and Bobby really did have a ‘thing’ going on for each other.

Things, unfortunately, did get a little bit awkward after we talked about the fight. Billy got quiet. I got quiet and it was like there was something left unsaid. Was there more to this than what he was saying? Why was he being so secretive about the whole thing? Maybe, he is ashamed by it? Would that mean he’s ashamed of being in a fight or…for feelings he might be having for another boy - in other words, Bobby? Feelings that this Kyle might have exposed by his bullshit?

If he’s ashamed of what happened between him and Bobby could that mean that I have had Billy all wrong? I felt we might be making a real connection! A connection that might be more than just friends, but if he’s ashamed of being made to almost kiss another guy then that would mean he’s either straight or gay and fighting it…kind of like I am.

I didn’t see Billy again today. The conversation left me feeling pretty down for the rest of the day, honestly. Why couldn’t I have just shown him how proud I was of him for sticking up for himself and someone else? Why did I make myself out to seem so suspicious of Billy and his feelings for Bobby?

Maybe, I am jealous!

Maybe, I wanted to be the one getting dry-humped and almost kissed by Billy! Nope…there’s no maybe about that! If it had been Billy and me in that situation I probably would have kissed him and then turned around and kicked this Kyle asshole in the gut after Billy had knocked him on his stupid ass! We would have been Outted as lovers and also as a ‘power couple’! LOL!

We could have been the terrors of the High School just like those two gay Goth guys I met last semester! I wish I’d gotten to know them better! They might have been a big help to Billy and me if we did decide to just say ‘fuck it’ and come out to each other and the world!

If only…

In other news, I also saw Jimmy today, of all people.

Now, talk about a change! Jimmy is like 180 degrees opposite of that person I met last semester who was handing me, basically, a suicide note in music! He was with his gaggle of ‘girlfriends’ and, I swear, he was acting just like one of them! They were carrying on over something and they were all excited along with Jimmy about it. Jimmy saw me and stopped short with a big smile…something I had never seen before.

“Haaay, Brandon! Did you hear about the fight Billy got into on Wednesday? That was so-o cool! That Kyle jerk got just what his ass deserved! We all think so! Huh, Mary Beth?” Jimmy turned to a pretty brunette who was blushing as she was trying not to stare at me. Mary Beth must be a shy one, because she just giggled and nodded.

“Sure. He told me himself.” I answered.

“Sweet! Is he still suspended?” Jimmy asked, seeming to know more than even I did about the whole thing.

“No. He’s back today.” I said.

“Oh, well that’s good. I bet he’s still grounded though. That sucks so much! What is wrong with his Mom? It just isn’t fair! You know?” Jimmy seemed genuinely angry about Billy’s grounding. I have to admit, I was too.

I was until I thought things through. Would I be able to tell my Dad that I was basically forced to sexually molest another guy in gym class? I’m thinking not, especially if a part of me, possibly, enjoyed the experience.

Then it hit me that Billy might very well have enjoyed being pressed up against Bobby’s pillowy butt. I remember my particular encounter with that thing! Hey, teenaged hormones never take a break and being, basically, stuffed into the butt crack of another human being and ground in is going to have an effect! Then again, Billy turned around and busted Kyle one for doing that, so…

God, I’m going around and around with this…

This is just another example of why I need to come clean with Billy and soon. I need to open up to him! I just can’t go along dithering away like this forever. He’s grounded now, but maybe he and I can get together at his place again after he’s off punishment.

Then I can come clean with Billy…

This is Brandon on Cleaning Duty.

Saturday

My Dad invited Marylin over today.

If I’m not confused enough about the whole Billy situation, I now have to deal with my Dad, possibly, dating again for the first time since my Mom died. She’s nice enough, but my being home with the whole thing playing out in front of me was feeling a bit awkward, so I went out and biked around town for a while.

I ended up at the skate park and I knew that was a big mistake the moment I got there. Because,…there was Benji - gorgeous as always - by himself, practicing tricks. It was getting on toward late afternoon and the sun was casting long shadows. There was something beautiful about watching Benji nimbly skating up the ramps, jumping off into the air, landing perfectly like a cat on his skateboard, and then rotating around to do it all over again. His shadow flew with him and his golden hair caught in the wind as he moved.

I admit…my heart skipped a couple of beats watching him this afternoon.

He was so busy he didn’t notice me being his audience and I left it that way.

Before I go there with Benji, I need to play this thing out with Billy to the end. We are too close to stop now and not yet far along enough to be satisfied with an answer…if it’s yes or no.

When I got back, Marylin said that Billy had called. I’d missed him. Damn…AND now Marylin feels free to pick up the phone and answer for us now.

Not a great night tonight. My Dad wants me to join Marylin and him for dinner tonight. I’ll do that, but then I think I’ll just go to bed. Maybe, I’ll be able to talk with Billy tomorrow after Church. Ooops…wait! I’m betting Billy is grounded and on restriction. He might not be able to talk with me tomorrow. Double-damn!

How is it Billy and I keep missing each other? We’re either physically missing each other at school and with phone calls and such or we’re missing each other’s feelings for one another. Somehow, we just can’t seem to meet in the middle.

How can we cross this bridge and find each other? I just don’t know!

This is Brandon trying to cross bridges.