Brandon Smiling: From the Billy Chase Chronicles (2) - 30. Entry 30

Tuesday

So, of course I can’t get Billy off my mind. Especially our being together in bed Saturday. We were just touching feet, but I keep replaying that over and over again in my mind! His socked feet, my socked feet…touching. I remember his blush and his smile as we were doing it and I wish, oh how I wish, that I’d just taken the courage to kiss him! I should have…especially when he said the ‘I love you’ part. It would have been a silent way of telling him that I felt the same way. His Mom wouldn’t have heard a thing and then Billy would know!

So…I’ve been trying to write something to express how much I feel about him. I want to put into words what his touch meant to me. I felt a poem coming on, but…when I tried to put it to paper I just couldn’t get the words right. I’ve been working on it since last night, but I just can’t make it work! It doesn’t show the feelings I have for Billy in the way that I want it to.

I don’t even want to leave a rough draft of it here yet. I’ve got to let it cook a bit more, I think. These things take time, you know? You have to just let them come in their own time. You can’t force them.

In other news, I had a weird visit from Jamie this morning and, much to my surprise and (new word) chagrin he wanted to know about Billy! I immediately wondered what the hell Jamie would want with Billy and why! I mean, I know Jamie knows about Billy and has even said he keeps an eye on him, but I’ve never really understood why. His excuse of sizing him up for the junior varsity team never held much water with me! But, then, Jamie’s ‘logic’ has never made much sense to me. He gets ideas in his head and then runs with them. Chandler has warned me about this with Jamie.

Anyway, I was in the hallway getting my book for History out of my locker when I hear him right behind me, “Hey, Bran Bran! ” It wasn’t a taunt and what is weird, for a second, I thought it was Chandler since Jamie and Chandler have very similar voices. Chandler just tends to make more sense with the things he says. Much more!

So, I turn around, expecting to be shocked by seeing Chandler standing there and it’s Jamie. I do fist bumps or whatever and he just asks straight out, “You know Billy Chase, right?”

I, of course, tell him that I do. I thought he already knew this so why was he asking, etc.

“Well, he’s supposed to interview me today for some kind of assignment. Is he, like, cool or is he, like, uncool with things. Like, is he a cool person to talk to or kind of a spaz or a grouch?” Jamie asked and he seemed genuinely worried about this. He looked so earnest with his question that I couldn’t help but giggle at him. I know, giggling at the star quarterback of your High School could be considered grounds for execution, but Jamie can’t help but be cute and funny sometimes. He didn’t seem offended in any way and I was relieved that this meeting between them was more business than personal. If Billy is even a little bit Gay he wouldn’t be able to resist Jamie if something were to, like, happen between them. I’m not blind. I know how gorgeous Jamie is! It would be just my luck to lose Billy forever to the most gorgeous guy in school!

“No, dude. Billy is super nice! If anything, I think you’ll intimidate him more than anything.” I said.

“Why?” Jamie seemed really confused by that. He really doesn’t know his own strength or his place in things. Doesn’t he know who he is? How anyone can be this clueless and still be breathing is a mystery to me.

“Well, of course! You’re Jamie Cross! You’re the school’s star quarterback! You’re, like, the king of all you survey! Hell, I’m a little intimidated myself at the moment! Hehehe!” I tell him.

“Oh, pshaw! So I like to play football sometimes! Who cares about that? I do it for fun!” Jamie actually blushed at what I said! Can you even believe that?

“EVERYONE! Jamie…you’re everyone’s hero! Don’t you know that?” I tell him.

Then things got weird and embarrassing just like Chandler always warns me can happen with Jamie. He grabbed me in a bear hug and patted my back roughly. It was a full on ‘bro hug’. I was half-afraid that Jamie would kiss me! Not that this would be such a bad thing…in private…but, out in the hallway with everyone watching? No!

“Brandon, dude! You are such a sweet-talker! Anyways, so Billy’s cool. Great! Ok, next question:” I suppressed a groan. When would this embarrassment ever end? Everyone was staring at me with Jamie pulling his ‘Jamieness’ and him actually talking to me in public!

“We were gonna do the interview thingie in the Study Hall, but the Drama Club’s grabbed it off since the Auditorium’s leaking and they’re trying to fix it. Do you think Billy would be ok with us doing it at my place?” he asked. Why was he asking me? Also, why did I feel the need to giggle at ‘doing it at my place’? Such images I did not need in my brain before walking to my next class! I’d be walking funny for the rest of the day! Are you kidding me? Billy and Jamie…doing it…at his place?

“Sure! I can’t think why not! Billy is always ready to help…” I hid my horny jealousy as best as I could, but I admit to feeling a bit green about Billy and Jamie being together at Jamie’s own house all afternoon. I’m still not convinced Jamie is all that straight to begin with!

…and, like I’ve said, Jamie is basically irresistible.

“Ok. That’s cool. Well, gotta run Bran Bran! Thanks a million! See ya soon!” He clapped me on my shoulder once, which nearly caused me to fall over, and jogged off to his next class looking, for all the world, like a prancing unicorn without the horn on his pretty blond head.

How I ever got seriously connected to the Crosses I’ll never know!

So, that was my one interesting thing for my pretty boring day. I’ve got some homework to do so…

…this is Brandon being Jamiefied.

Wednesday

I was gonna let him read it! I was dead set on it today, but I completely chickened out…

I’ve written a poem for him. I finished it last night. I called it ‘Everything’, basically telling him that he means everything to me. He has since I first laid eyes on him. But, after reading it over and over again, I just can’t give it to him yet. It really does, basically, barf up every giddy lovesick feeling I have for him. I know he said he ‘loved’ me on Saturday and I owe it to Billy to tell him the truth and return the favor, but that poem…it’s almost a proposal of marriage! It’s just…too much right now.

I brought it with me to school today with every intention of showing it to him so he could see how I really feel about him. I was going to do it at lunch. Let me tell you, I was nauseous with nerves about it all morning! I felt like I’d jitter myself right out of my own skin! I had a question for everything warning me off from showing him. Things like: What if he reads it and he thinks its stupid? What if I’ve misread this whole situation and he tells my ‘fag ass’ to get away from him? What if he does like it and wants to kiss me, right there, at the lunch table with everyone watching?

Stupid questions and doubts like that.

When lunch came around I was about ready to stroke out with nerves. Strangely, seeing Billy’s lovely face helped calm me a bit. His expectant smile always makes things feel right for me, like I can tell him anything!

But, as soon as I opened my notebook to see my poetic barf sitting there looking back at me, I lost courage. I kept opening my book, seeing it, and considering if I should just rip the band-aid off and be done with it. But, then I’d close my book, look at his face, look into the possible futures of what I was about to do, and totally chicken out!

He thought I was acting funny and he smiled and giggled a bit wanting to know what the hell I was doing, but all I could give him was: “Nothing. Don’t ask.” It was such a stupid idea, writing a poem for him and expecting that to work with telling him how I feel. I need to just come out with it! Just like Billy did! ‘I love you, too’ - that’s all I need to say!

Why is it so hard to do?

I don’t know why, but I tore the poem out of my notebook and put it in my pocket…like I needed to keep it safe or something! Don’t ask, nothing of what I did today makes any sense to me either.

Anyway, just for your entertainment, Nameless Hacker, so you can laugh at how stupidly out to lunch I am, here’s what I wrote for Billy:

~~

Everything

I Was All Alone

A Complete Unknown

Hidden Timidly

In a Library

Lonely

Invisibly

Reluctantly

Eternally

Then I felt something

That got me looking

Which got me seeing

And then believing

By Trusting

and

Accepting

Letting In

And

Letting Go

That by not trying

And by not looking

And by not seeking

I'd find…

Everything!

I Found Everything!

I Found

Everything by:

Knowing Nothing

And

Everything

Letting In

And

Letting Go

I could never know

That with every blow

I'm bravely taking

What I've been missing

That by my stressing

And all my praying

And all my wanting

And all my fighting

I needed nothing

To help in finding

That One who's waiting

That means …

Everything!

You Mean Everything

You Mean Everything to me

I Found Everything

I Found Everything in you

I’ll Never Lose My Everything

I will never lose you!

Because . . .

You Are My Everything

You Will Always Be

My Everything!

This is Brandon showing you my silly poem.