Brandon Smiling: From the Billy Chase Chronicles (2) - 34. Entry 34

Monday

Yes, it’s been eating me since last night: what did Bobby and Billy talk about last night on the phone? I shouldn’t have given Bobby that number! I should have told him to fuck the hell off!

But, what’s worse is that Billy seemed so willing to talk to Bobby over me once I told him that Bobby wanted his number.

I shouldn’t be jealous. They should be ‘just friends’, but my gut is telling me otherwise. Billy must sense it too! Bobby is being a little obvious here. He sounds nearly obsessed with Billy!

But, Billy isn’t discouraging it! After all this time of me and Billy getting to know one another, playing footsie in bed, and him actually making me think he likes me and thinks about me all the time, why was he so eager to get with Bobby?

I’m afraid I may be learning something about Billy that I may not like very much. He might be what I’ve heard call a ‘Player’. Someone that takes whatever opportunity to score sex with anyone willing to give it up to him. I’ve got no real evidence to prove that, but it is a fear I have.

Does Billy tell Bobby that he ‘thinks about him all the time’ like he tells me? Since that didn’t get me to give it up to Billy, does this mean he’s now working Bobby who might be a lot easier to ‘get into’?

These questions got me to thinking about Billy in a whole different light! Can I really trust this boy with my feelings or not?

I’ve never even thought to doubt him like this before, but now I guess I do!

This put me in a sour mood today toward Billy. I was actually angry that he’d want to talk to Bobby over me. I know, I’m being unreasonable, but when do feelings and reason work that well together?

At lunch, Billy met me for lunch like usual, but because of everything, I just wasn’t in the mood to have to confront him today. I guess he could tell I wasn’t in a good way to be sharing a table with him because he turned on ALL the charm that he possibly could to get me to, I don’t know, like him again or whatever.

He even offered me some of his gum which I thought was just plain silly!

He asked me, “Brandon, what’s wrong, man?” I answered that it was nothing and that it wasn’t important. Well, I know it’s important to me, but it’s also stupid. It must be the Italian in me, but I just didn’t want to get Billy off the hook that easy! Fuck him and fuck Bobby Jinette! They can have one another! What do I care! Right?

He’s all, “You know...I was thinking about you last night. I know you like it when I think about you...”, but I couldn’t deal with him anymore. I…just got up and left the table. I had such a pit of hurt inside of me that I just wanted to cry. It took all I could not to, you know? I went and got a drink and came back to the lunch table with him. But, we didn’t talk again. I was afraid I might start shouting at Billy. I didn’t want that so we just sat in silence. I peeked up at him a couple of times. He was hanging his head looking miserable and I was the one doing that to him.

I know I’m not doing this right. I know I’m letting my jealousy get the better of me! I know I’m, just, fucking this all up! But…I just don’t know! If Billy does care for me like he says then why doesn’t he just come out and say so! I mean, like, he really means it! Why does it have to be me that caves?

Now, even if he does say that, can I believe it?

Is Billy a player?

I just don’t know.

The rest of the day I was in a funk about the Bobby and Billy thing. I don’t remember much else from today.

Chandler called to see how I was doing. I swear the guy is like psychic or something. I wasn’t even in the mood to talk to him either today. We chit-chatted a bit. He tried to get me to talk about Billy, but I just pushed him off.

I’m honestly getting exhausted worrying about Billy so much. I don’t want this starting to color my entire life like I’d let it do if I’m not careful.

I can’t think about this anymore tonight.

This is Brandon in a funk.

Tuesday

My funk continues.

I woke up this morning feeling almost refreshed…until I remembered Billy. That’s when it felt like someone pulled a cork in me and all my insides fell out. It was the terrible sinking feeling like I was losing everything that means something to me!

You know what? I started to cry.

Yeah, pussy that I am, I started to cry. I’ve lost Billy already. He’s gone. Bobby has him now. Bobby could do what I couldn’t…make the move to get Billy’s undivided attention!

I almost told my Dad that I was going to call in sick for the day, but I went to school anyway.

The time I wasn’t in class, I was in the library…just like I used to do all the time. In my sad state, there was something comforting about being alone in there like I’d never even met Billy. I could pretend that all my feelings for him and all our talks together and things were just from a dream. It was a good dream that had turned bad, but it had all just been a dream. Nothing more.

Someone can forget a dream after a while. Even the most vivid ones fade away in time.

“This too will pass,” as I remember my Dad telling me after my Mom died. If I could survive that, I could definitely survive this.

With that in mind, I hoped to avoid Billy entirely today. Seeing him would break the spell that he never really cared for me and I never cared for him. He’d remind me that all of this had been real and not something that would ‘just pass’ like it should.

Despite my best efforts, he did catch me at my locker just before lunch…a place I couldn’t avoid if I was going to put away all my books from my last class. He wondered about lunch, but I blew him off with some excuse about an art project.

I wish I had been able to avoid him today. Seeing him broke my dream that all of this had been a dream. Obviously, he’d been looking out for me today and wanting to make things like they always have been between us.

But, things can’t be as they were, can they? Something had changed and I’m afraid that something is me.

If Billy and Bobby are a thing then, for my own sake, I have to step away and forget about Billy.

Billy has to go back to being just a dream of a boyfriend I might never have.

A boyfriend, maybe, I shouldn’t ever have. Maybe this is God’s way, again, of telling me that my feelings for Billy are the wrong ones to have for another boy.

Everything is back up in the air! I’m totally without a compass here! I am Gay and I shouldn’t be. I…love…Billy and I shouldn’t. I wanted to trust him, but I can’t.

I wanted a dream to become real, but know that it can never be…

This is Brandon, lost without a compass.