I thought Church would be absolutely uncomfortable today.
But, as it turned out, it was as normal as ever . . . well as normal as it ever is with the Crosses and the Temples piled all into one pew together. They had Marie sit next to me, naturally. But, since we seemed to, kind of, 'fix' things yesterday before going home there was no lingering weirdness between us. I didn't feel once that she'd try a repeat of yesterday's performance on me today in Church. Truly, thank God!
We finished up. We had our usual donut social (without donuts because my Dad said we were going for brunch after Church) and then went to a local pancake house. Marie insisted we share a plate. That was a little 'cute', but I went with it. This place always gives more food than a whole platoon of Marines can eat in one sitting anyway. I swear their omelettes use a whole dozen eggs just for ONE serving. Let's never mind the quart of cheese and whole pound of ham they put in it! My Dad and I ordered one like a pizza once and we STILL had leftovers! Hehehehe!
Marie and I chitchatted and Jamie tried to squeeze as many raunchy details out of our date as he could without looking too much like he was trying to. Unfortunately for Jamie, he is so totally obvious that his Mom, kind of, told him to put a sock in it! Marie and I had a good giggle at him over that. Jamie even laughed knowing he had been 'made' for what he was asking. I had to wonder why he wanted to know, though. Why did I think it was something for him to, um, 'rub one out' to? Oh Lord, I hope not! That would be soooooooooo-OO WRONG! Being an only child I don't really understand Brother/Sister stuff, so, I can only think that 'doin' it' with your Sister is as horrible as 'doin' it' with your Mom. Oh no . . . I don't need these images in my brain! Where's the bleach! I need to pour it in my ear and make it CLEAN in there now!
But then . . . maybe he wanted to know to rub one out thinking of me? Um . . . wow. I can't EVEN go there! Jamie sort of did look at me long and hard after that. Cute as he is . . . no. Way too complicated!
After breakfast we all broke up and my Dad and I came home. He went to take a nap and I asked if I could go to the mall just by myself. I needed the alone time, I guess. I'm still figuring out yesterday. It was so 'good' but so 'bad' all at the same time, you know? Well, I don't really expect you to know, Nameless Hacker. If I don't know what's going on in my own head how can you?
Anyway, Dad said yes and I hopped on the bus and just went down there. There's something oddly lonely about going to a shopping mall all by yourself without, well, any reason to. I wasn't going because I needed anything. I wasn't going to meet anyone. I wasn't going to see a movie. I wasn't there for any other reason than it was just . . . somewhere to go.
I did end up in the arcade where they had some of those old fashioned video games my Dad used to like when he was my age. They are still a lot of fun and don't really take any 'brains' to play, just reaction time. They are relaxing like that. I played one called 'Defender' for a while. It's just a bunch of pixels you move around a black screen with other pixels that look kind of like spaceships, buildings, and falling ant people. You have to fly around and shoot bad spaceships and then try to catch people after they've been 'abducted' by the aliens before they go splat. I wonder if they'll ever do a 'real' version of this game in 3D?
I played until some dickwad bumped me and then told me to 'watch where I was going'. Um, I wasn't going anywhere, it was Asshole who was going and I was just standing there playing. But, I'm not that dense, I know when some bored idiot is trying to start something so I left before they could come back. Some kids are such complete jerks! I wasn't afraid so much as just annoyed. I was also getting bored in there too. There's nothing to do at a mall if you don't shop or eat, really.
I was actually starting to get, kind of, depressed and lonely in there when I saw that 'blonde' kid I'd met a little while ago. He wasn't blond anymore but must have allowed his hair to go back to a more natural light brown color. He must have been bleached before. The color of his hair changed his eyes to a green-blue rather than a bluer blue. He also had his usual squad of girlfriends around him. They were picking through the lingerie section at Victoria's Secret. I had to wonder who was thinking about getting what because they all looked way too young to be buying teddies and thongs. For some reason, it didn't surprise me that my little Gay 'friend' there might get something for himself to wear. He is REALLY 'Gay' acting, whatever that means. Women's underwear would probably fit better on him than on his friends-who-are-girls.
He caught sight of me and gave me a big smile and a wink. Rather than just do my normal 'hide my face' thing I just looked back and returned his smile. He looked encouraged to come and meet me, but I really wasn't interested in him today. I just continued on my way.
Maybe Marie had done something to me yesterday when a pretty boy like this kid shows an interest and I just don't seem to care. His name is 'AJ' or something if I can remember from that note he stuck in my pocket. He's Gay and I'm sort-of-Gay, I guess. He's cute and he doesn't 'scare' me anymore, so I could have probably gone with him today. I just . . . didn't feel like it. I needed this alone time. I don't know if I can even feel anything for being Gay anymore or not. Billy is straight and I'm trying to go that way myself, so . . . this AJ guy just complicates stuff. Maybe I'm not Gay anymore.
But that picture of that guy's ass I saw in the Abercrombie store today . . . I wanted to touch him and do other stuff to him! So . . . maybe I am still a little Gay and I just don't have anyone available to do anything about it? But then there was AJ there and he looked 'interested', but I don't want him because he . . . bothers me.
I want Billy! Why can't I have Billy? Why?
I don't know.
I came home and I've been in my room ever since. I've written this entry about five times now and deleted most of it only to type something else. I ought to delete it again since this isn't going anywhere tonight.
Am I Straight? Am I Gay? Is there something in between? I don't know!
I just don't know anything right now.
This is Brandon . . . In Between Again.
I've been in a hazy daze most of this week.
I even forgot to put entries into my blog here. Sorry about that.
I've been distracted, naturally. This past weekend's 'fun' has had me running in circles in my mind. Mr. Webber had to call out to me three times today and reprimand me for not paying attention in class. He later called me over to his desk after class.
"So, wassup, Brandster? Your body's here but your brain sure isn't. We got finals coming up! You need to stay focused if you hope to get into my AP class next semester. Don't blow all your hard work now!" He sounded more worried about me than mad.
He then kind of smirked at me and asked: "So . . . who's the lucky lady?"
He chuckled because I must have looked as shocked as I was! How did HE know about Marie? Do the teachers know all about this now too? Oh no! I'm soooo fucked!
"Oh. Heh. Nobody in our school. She goes somewhere else. But yeah, I guess you could say a girl's involved. I'm sorry, Mr. Webber. I'll try better to focus. I promise." I said and must have looked rather sad. I remember that my eyes weren't looking at him anymore when I said that and I felt that wave of shame come over me again. What did I do? Why did I DO it . . . and in a MOVIE theater no less?
"Well, school's important, but you know this. But, learning about relationships is important too. Very important! This is where things can get troublesome growing up. It's something even a lot of adults get screwed up with. Work/Life Balance, it's called. You can work all the time and not live, or you can live it up all the time and lose work. Strangely, when you do too much of one over the other you end up losing both! It's very mathematical. So, here's a homework assignment for you tonight. I'll pass on tonight's math assignment, but I want you to go home and think about what's important to you. Be honest. Write it down if you like. I'll trust you to do this honestly 'cause I know you won't be able to help yourself, Hehehe. Maybe by tomorrow you'll have another perspective on things. You don't have to turn anything into me, just be sure you are 'present' with me tomorrow for class. Oh, and congratulations, Kiddo! First love is always very special." Mr. Webber smiled and then dismissed me with a lot of things to think about.
This might be the toughest homework assignment I've ever had to do! What is important to me? I'm still mulling it over in my head. What keep going around and around in my head is what Mr. Webber said there at the end of his talk with me. "First love is always very special."
It . . . is special. Very. It is also, really, the most important thing to me right now. More so than school or sports or video games. I feel I'm close to finding it, but I'm not quite there yet. It's weird that way. Marie is important to me. My Dad is important to me. Even Cedrick is very important to me. I love them all in their own way, but there is one that just sits right there in my mind day after day and won't go away . . .
I know he's 'straight' but . . . what if? What if things were to change? What if what I feel for him could somehow, I don't know, pass to him somehow and that it would make him change his mind about his liking of Joanna? I've seen them off and on together the past couple of days and it's always the same. She's the one all over him. Billy seems so . . . uncomfortable about things. He never starts anything. He's always the one getting 'pounced' on.
You know, he looks like I feel when Marie is getting a little too 'fresh' with me. He looks like it feels 'wrong' for him. Maybe he's just shy, but, Billy doesn't strike me as shy at all. He came right up to me and was the one to start our 'relationship' thingie in the Library. I was the shy one. Billy doesn't look shy with Joanna. He looks, well just like I said, uncomfortable! Or (sigh) maybe it's just wishful thinking and 'what if-ing'.
But, today, it was in this state of mind that I met Billy. I just 'happened' to bump into him in the hall before class. I needed to see him and I wanted to test the water to see where he 'was' with me. I need to reconnect. So I sort of apologized to him for being such a dork and trying to avoid him.
I said: "I don't want you to think that I was being mean to you or anything. K?"
It was kind of fuzzy what I was trying to say, but I didn't want him to know that I was upset or even knewabout the Joanna thing. I needed to leave that out of it. Amazingly, almost like he knew my mind, his beautiful brown eyes just twinkled, he nodded, and he looked so glad that I either said what I said or was just talking to him again. I couldn't help but smile!
He studied my face a bit as if he was taking in every detail. It was such a tender look! Strangely enough, it reminded me of the kind of look my Mom would give me when she was checking me out. She'd often push my hair out of my eyes after the once over and then kiss me on the forehead. Oh gosh . . . how I miss that! But now . . . it's Billy looking at me in that same way! I almost expected him to reach up and push my hair out of my eyes or whatever. Hehehe, I doubt he'd do the kiss thingie though.
You know, not even Marie looks at me like that!
That look has stayed with me all day. It so touched me and I got so many butterflies in my stomach seeing it that I had to just turn away and go before I did something really, REALLY mushy and stupid to Billy. A hug or start to cry or something else really dumb!
There is a bond there. I can feel it! It may not be love, yet, but it is a bond that will be bringing us together more and more. We make each other feel too good just being in the same room with each other. A smile and a glance can satisfy all my worrying and wondering about things with Billy for a long time.
Billy has Joanna. I have Marie. But, somehow and by some way, Billy and I have something together too. I don't know what it is exactly. But it's something . . .