Seaside Entries - 6. Do you have a crush on me?

I’ve kissed a lot of girls in my life. A lot. But never a guy. Still, kissing Leo… it didn’t seem weird at all. It felt good. Great even. Like I couldn’t get enough of it.

My eyes were closed, my lips touching his, my hand somehow finding its way to the back of his neck, gently caressing his skin. There was this warm, tingling sensation wherever he touched me—my arms, my shoulders... In all the years that we’ve known each other, we’ve never been this close before. His smell was everywhere—sea and fresh oranges. I couldn’t get away from it even if I wanted to. Sure, I was kissing a guy, but this wasn’t just any guy. This was Leo, my friend. Someone I’ve known for ages. My… best friend.

It took a moment for the reality to sink in, and my brain finally seemed to overrule… other parts of my body. My eyes shot open and I pushed myself away, breaking the kiss.

“Dude… What the hell are we doing?”

Leo stared at me in confusion as if nothing out of the ordinary had just happened.

“What do you mean ‘what are we doing’? What does it look like we were doing? Kissing.”

I scoffed. I had to fight the urge not to slap him on the head.

“Don’t be a fucking smartass with me now.”

He was trying to be funny, which was the last thing I needed. We’d just done something completely insane, something I never thought would happen. We’d opened up the Pandora’s box, and I did not want to find out what was inside it. The knot in my stomach felt tighter and tighter, paralyzing me. I couldn’t move. Or maybe I just didn’t want to move away from him. But what was I supposed to do? Part of me wanted to kiss him again, just to check if it really felt that good. The other part wanted to run.

All I knew was that I didn’t want to ruin what we had.

When I got the nerve to look at him again, he let out a light chuckle and placed a hand on my forearm, keeping it there.

“I’m being serious!” I could hear myself raising my voice.

“Too serious, man. Calm down, OK?” Leo’s voice was soft, making me even angrier. “Did you not like it?”

Did I not like it? What kind of a question was that? I kissed him back—of course I liked it. But I wasn’t going to say that.

“Did you not want it?” he asked again.

“What?” I shook my head. “No, I…”

“No, you didn’t? Or…”

“I don’t know, man. Just… I don’t know.” I cracked my knuckles, my neck; I felt like cracking every bone in my body. Maybe that would get my brain to start working again. “So, this is not crazy to you? You’re just… whatever about this?”

“I mean, I’m not ‘whatever’ about it. It’s something I wanted to do. A lot,” he looked me straight in the eyes, and I could see the quiet confidence and passion. The same look he’d have when he’d start reading a great new pirate book, or when he’d finally nail a complicated dish after several attempts. I could tell he meant every word.

And that’s when it clicked.

“Do you have a crush on me?”

Leo shrugged as if I’d just asked him what ice cream flavor he’d like, and a soft laugh came out of his mouth.

“Yeah, of course I do. I thought it was obvious,” he said. “I wouldn’t have kissed you if I didn’t like you.”

“You… For how long?”

“For a while now. What about you? How long have you had a crush on me?”

I went quiet again. That sentence contained so many questions, and I didn’t have the faintest idea where to even begin answering them. But could I deny it? I opened my mouth, ready to speak, but then closed it again. There was no point. He’d know right away.

“I don’t even…”

My phone rang at the worst possible time. Or the best time, I’m not sure. I heard the sound and felt the vibrations in my pocket, and all of a sudden, I realized there was still an outside world besides just the two of us. I somehow fished it out and saw Fabian’s name on the screen.

“Hey man,” he spoke as soon as I picked up.

“Hey… What’s up?”

“Guess where I am?”

I rolled my eyes. “Mars.” I was in no mood for games.

“Come on, guess,” Fabian insisted. I could hear the amusement in his voice.

“I don’t know. At the club with Jay and Luisa? Where are you?”

“Look behind you,” he replied, making me almost jump. I instantly turned around, staring like a maniac at the street behind me. Leo followed suit, glaring at me in confusion before he looked back as well. Sure enough, Fabian was waving at us, standing next to the nearest traffic light, waiting for the light to change.

“How long have you been there?” I asked, already picturing him watching Leo and me make out. Instead of responding, he hung up on me as the light turned green.

“What are you guys still doing here? I thought you would’ve gone home by now. Luisa and I were going to stay and walk around, but I think she got sick of Jay coming on to her, so she asked me to take her back home. Then Jay left too,” Fabian explained before we could even ask anything.

“We were just chilling,” Leo replied perfectly calmly.

“When did you get here anyway?” I needed to know. If he had seen anything, he wasn’t showing it.

“When I called you on the phone,” Fabian shrugged before sitting down next to us. “I was gonna go grab something to eat. Maybe down at Prometheus? You guys wanna come?”

“Actually, I have to go get ready for my shift,” Leo got up, then turned to me.

“Seriously? You’re going now?” I couldn’t believe it. Why was I the only one taking this seriously?

“Yeah, seriously. Sorry, but my shift starts in literally…” he pulled out his phone and checked the time. “...forty minutes. But don’t think you’re getting out of this. We’ll continue next time. That’s a promise.”

I’m the one getting out of this? He’s the one who’s leaving! I don’t know what I would have done if Fabian wasn’t there, but since he was, all I could do was get up and grab Leo by the arm, pulling him to the side.

“Dude, seriously,” I leaned in, whispering. “You have to go now?”

“Relax, man,” Leo gave me a smile that was probably meant to reassure me. Something like that would usually do the trick, but not this time. “We’re good, so don’t worry. Seriously, I mean it. We’ll talk later, OK?”

“Fine,” I replied, even though we both knew I didn’t mean it.

“See ya, Fabian.” With a quick wave to both of us, Leo turned around and left.

I stood in my spot and watched him go, feeling like the whole world had just tilted sideways. Like I was in the Twilight Zone or something. I almost ran after him, but my feet somehow decided not to move. Maybe it was for the better. I had no idea what I would even say to him, so I didn’t say anything. I’d probably just make things worse. Instead, I turned to Fabian.

“Dude, what happened? What did I miss?” Fabian eyed me curiously as he stood up.

“Nothing,” I replied too quickly. “Nothing, we just… had this dumb argument about something. It’s fine.”

“Was it about the contest?”

“Uh, yeah. I kinda got annoyed that we lost. I really thought we had it.”

“At least you did better than Jay and Luisa. Theirs was a mess,” Fabian laughed, and I couldn’t help but join in. “So, wanna go and grab something to eat?”

“Yeah. And something to drink too,” I clapped him on the back as we left the beach and headed down the street. “I need to get drunk right now.”