Finders, keepers - 8. Prompt 270

”Because I’m leaving you…”

I stared at the paper in my hand, not being able to comprehend the meaning of the text. I had read it several times now and always ended up having to start over, because I simply didn’t understand.

It was a letter and it seemed addressed to me. Signed by Levi. I had found it in his sock drawer, when I was putting away the laundry. Such a mundane task had led me to end up on the floor in the bathroom, propped up with my back against the tiled wall, fighting to simply keep breathing and not go into a complete panic attack.

Why was he writing a letter about leaving me? Why was he even thinking about it? I thought we were happy, living together in my apartment. Sure, he seemed a bit bored at times when he stayed at home while I worked. I had tried to get him to go out and do something. Maybe find a hobby. He refused, saying he didn’t feel comfortable with people. Not after his recent years drifting around. No matter how much I tried to convince him he wouldn’t hurt anyone, he still didn’t trust himself.

If he only made a few friends, I suspected he would be much happier about his life, about himself. When we did go out with my friends, Jack being the main instigator of trouble, he turned into a whole new Levi. He laughed, got into debates about all sorts of topics never having trouble holding his own and he danced. Oh my god, did he dance… So many times when we were out, I found myself mesmerized by his movements, the fluidity of his body undulating to the music. He always closed his eyes and let the music just take him. This often led to me just taking him. Sometimes, we didn’t even make it home.

So I had gathered we were happy. Then why this terrible letter? I realized I had to find out and to do that I had to ask him. I felt bad about finding the letter, but I hadn’t been snooping. I honestly had only tried to put away his socks.

Taking a deep breath to steady myself, I went out into the living room. Levi was on the sofa watching something on TV. I could tell he wasn’t really watching, by the faraway look in his eyes. Something was definitely up and I would find out what. Right now.

“What’s this?” I held up the letter, holding it between my forefinger and thumb as if it was poisonous. To a certain extent, it was. His eyes went wide went he realized what I was holding. His face flushed. From embarrassment? From anger?

Being as quick as only Levi could, he leapt out of the couch and tried to grab it from me. I had learned his moves and did an evasive maneuver, leaving him clutching the air where the letter had been a mere second ago.

“Nothing, just something I wrote… It’s nothing!” He made another move for the letter.

“Nothing? Nothing?!? How can you telling me you’re leaving in a fucking letter be nothing?!” My loud voice had him flinching. I knew I had to calm down. This wasn’t the kind of conversation I wanted to have about this. Damn my temper! I started again, attempting to be calmer.

“Levi, I thought you were happy with me. I know I’m not here for you like I want to, but I need to work. I try to…” He interrupted me.

“No, no. It’s not you, it’s me…” He seemed to be searching for words but coming up empty.

“Not me? How can you leaving me not be about me?” The sarcastic tone was not what I was going for, but it just got away from me. I was just so angry and hurt by the fact that he’d had these thoughts and not felt he could talk to me about it. He could drink my blood, but not do that?

“I just think it’s for the best… You will be better off without me, with someone who isn’t like me… Your life would be easier.” I didn’t believe a word he was saying.

“Better off? Why would I be better off without the most beautiful man I have ever met? The man who makes me laugh, who makes me think, who makes me feel? I love you, Levi! How can you not know that?” I ran my hands through my hair in exasperation.

“I know… Believe me, I know…” Now, he was almost whispering, doing his “closing in on himself” routine. I wasn’t going to let him this time.

“Then, how can you write this? ‘I know you will go on in life to be happy when you don’t have to live a lie’. What bullshit is that? We’re not living a lie. I never lie to you!”

“But all your friends? Your family? They don’t know.”

“It’s none of their business! They don’t need to know! This is our life!”

“For now, but what about later?” I didn’t understand what he was talking about and it apparently showed because he tried again. “What happens in five years? In ten years? Where will we be? How will your family deal with that?”

“They’ll deal with it because I love you! They know I’m gay. It’s no big deal…” I tried to caress his face and bring him in for a kiss. Was he afraid I wouldn’t stand by him, because of my family? That was stupid. He backed away from me.

“No, Matt! It’s not that. How will we explain me?”

“You’re my boyfriend…” I really didn’t get what he was after and in his frustration he rolled his eyes.

“No, explain me! How I don’t get older? I don’t age at all! They’ll start to wonder.”

We both fell silent. I hadn’t thought about that at all. It was so difficult to understand that Levi had looked like he did for well over 100 years. He had a point. We would have to tell people or I would have to alienate my entire family. And my friends.

“You see? You’ll be better off without me, so you can live a proper life. Not moving around and never settle down, like me and George had to do…” He had tears in his eyes now. I couldn’t stand to see him sad.

“Then we’ll tell them! When they know you, they’ll protect you. No one else needs to find out! Or we move. Every year if necessary!” I thought I sounded convincing, but I could tell Levi was still not convinced. He was silent for a few moments and then he looked at me with infinite sadness in his eyes.

“But then you will end up leaving me. I don’t know if I’ll survive that. Not again…”

“I’m not leaving you! How can you say that? I just said I’m prepared to follow you anywhere, do whatever it takes. How can that mean I’m leaving?”

“You will leave me. Not today, not tomorrow, but you will leave me.” Now the tears were falling down his face and I felt my own eyes burn. I was shaking my head, but he continued in a softer voice. “In fifty years or maybe seventy if we are lucky, you will leave me… Just like George did…”

When I finally understood what he meant, I ignored his protests and drew him into my arms, into a hug. I felt his body shake as he cried into my shoulder. I hadn’t thought about it before, but it must have been hell for him, for them to live their lives knowing George was leaving, dying. Knowing Levi could turn him, but didn’t want to and never would. Feeling time running out on them, on their love.

“You’ll leave me and I’ll be all alone again. I won’t survive losing you. I won’t survive going through that again. But I can’t die, so I’ll turn into that horrible monster again. Not human enough to die, not monster enough to not care.” His muffled voice was filled with anguish.

I let him cry for a while, just stroking his back in what I hoped was calming motions. Then I gripped his shoulders and gently pushed him at arm’s length in front of me. I looked him straight in the eyes.

“That is something that will happen so many years from now. Do you want to be that monster already now?” He shook his head. “I didn’t think so. Then we live together and when the time comes, we plan for your future. Together.”

“But…”

“No buts. Unless it’s your’s we’re talking about…” At that, I got a hint of a smile. “We plan together and see if we can find a solution. You’ll need another companion eventually. Maybe we can find him together?”

“That would feel like I’m betraying you!” He protested my idea.

“Betraying me? How about me betraying you by denying you what you need to live? By letting my jealousy rob you of your humanity? And that’s years from now. Years and years. Can’t we be happy now and worry about this later? Much later?” He nodded hesitantly, his shoulders relaxing. I knew the topic wasn’t closed for good of course, but at least he wasn’t leaving me. Not now. Not today.

“Good, now that’s settled. I think you have too much time on your hands. You need something to do, so those kinds of thoughts don’t build up and overwhelm you.” He started to protest and I knew what he was going to say. “No, I’m not saying you need to get out and make friends. We’ve been over that and I know you don’t like it. But what about the internet? You could perhaps let these thoughts out by writing about your experiences and feelings? Maybe meet some new friends that way? I know of a couple of good sites.”

“I can’t write.” His skepticism was clear.

“Of course you can write. Just write down the stories you’ve told me. And besides, what does it matter? You’re doing it for you, not to win the Nobel prize.”

“But what if someone found out about me? If I write about myself?”

“Writing about a gay vampire? Not very original, I’m afraid. And it’s not like anyone would believe it’s actually true. Just try it. For me?”

How could he say no to that? So he started reading a little on a site called GayAuthors. Lurked about for a while checking out what other people wrote. We had so much fun coming up with an onscreen name for him. Finally, we settled for Shysucker. It was true in more than one way and made us both laugh. Levi started making friends, not having to worry about his shyness. Then he took the plunge and published the story of us. It was amazing. But I wasn't surprised. He was amazing.