Not just another Summer - 36. Evening confidences & Morning Coffee

>I finished early.

“Good. Get all your work done?”

>Yep. All my course work is up to date, for once. I thought about dropping in.

My heart lurched with the idea of Matt wandering in on us this afternoon like Jacob. Matt finding us naked.

“Why didn’t you?”

>I sort of remembered you were having tea with your brother.

“You’d have been very welcome. Only…”

>It’s OK, I…

I gave a nervous laugh. This was ridiculous. We were adults, in our own home.

“If you’d come, we’d have been naked.”

>Wow. You mean…?

I gave a proper laugh this time. “Mind out the gutter. It was just us, naked.”

>You said you get naked, but…

“You didn’t quite believe we’d have naked tea. Well, we do. Very occasionally. Don’t worry, Vince spends most of his time with his clothes on.”

>I can’t imagine doing that.

“Hey, I like you as you are, so you don’t have to do anything.”

Matt’s laugh was rather nervous.

>Reckon I won’t tell Mum. She might suggest we do it on Friday.

“Oh, Lord. That just does not bear thinking about.”

We both laughed then.

>You want me to… you know… when we…?

“I want you to be comfortable.”

>It’s just, I’ve never. At school, I were a lot thinner, really skinny. Guys made fun. Never liked…

“It’s OK. As long as you don’t want to have sex with your clothes on.”

>I wouldn’t.

But then he giggled, thankfully.

>But you know, the other day.

“When we were at my place?”

>Yeah. You didn’t get dressed after and you weren’t wearing knickers.

His voice had gone quiet, as if it wasn’t something to be talked about.

“I often don’t. I told you; I like things hanging loose.”

>Should I…?

“Be comfortable. That’s all. If you want to, fine. But if you’re happier wandering around in your knickers, then that’s fine too.”

>You sure? Look, if you don’t wear knickers, what happens if, you know, you forget to zip up?

“Hmm…” I coughed. “I’ve never worried. You ever forget to zip, have you?”

>Yeah, sometimes. Just think I’d be wandering around with me todger out there.

“I think you might notice. And the breeze.”

He laughed.

>Suppose so. You’re the first person.

“First person what?”

>To see me. At school, I made sure no-one did. And, like...

“There’s no ‘have to’. Whatever you’re comfortable with.

>It’s just…

There was a pause. I wasn’t sure what was worrying him.

>You don’t think that I’m, like, too skinny then?

“Hey. Skip that. You’re you, and I like you like that. Just like that. And you can wear what you want, and you look just fine. I’m definitely not angling for any changes, right? “

>Thanks. I feel a bit stupid.

“If you were around now, I’d give you a proper hug. So let’s imagine that. Look why don’t you come over for coffee tomorrow?”

>Tomorrow?

“Yes. We’re having a couple of people round.”

>It won’t be naked, will it?

“I don’t think that Rowena would want to be like that with us and her ten-year-olds.”

>Oh, wow.

He laughed.

>And yes. Thanks.

I tried to unpack everything. I needed to talk to someone. I could phone Bas, but that didn’t feel right. Bas would be sympathetic but amused, and I couldn’t face risking him meeting Matt again knowing all that; something was bound to slip out.

Vince was watching a documentary.

“You got a moment?”

“Sure, what’s the problem?”

“It’s not a problem, as such. It’s that I’ve had a conversation with Matt that was a bit heavy.”

“Is he OK?”

“Yes. Just things from his past. And, well, I needed to talk to someone.”

Vince stared, then nodded. “Sure.”

“There’s nothing to decide.”

“You just want to tell someone who won’t go revealing things.” He smiled. “Being a solicitor’s useful sometimes.”

I gave an embarrassed smile. “Yeah.”

Vince poured me a drink and turned off the television.

“Matt and I have done it a few times. Not a lot. Immediately afterwards, he puts his briefs back on.”

“But he’s OK?”

“Bit shy, that’s all. Turns out he was really skinny at school, got fun made of him.”

“Shit. ”

“So he never got naked. Also, he’s mentioned before about being bullied and made fun of. You know at college they tried to set him up with a prostitute?”

“Christ, no. What happened?”

“He cancelled.” I shrugged. “There’s a lot to unpack. I’m the first person to see him properly naked.”

“Except doctors. That’s… Jesus.”

“And he wanted to know if I thought he was too thin.”

“Is he? Oh, I know, you wouldn’t say anything to him. But honestly?”

“Honestly? He’s thinner than some blokes, but not anorexic. At least, I bloody hope not. He eats like a horse.”

“But there’s a body-image thing.”

“I tried to be reassuring, and told him I liked him the way he was.”

“I wonder… You think another time, post-sex you might slip something on? You know, a dressing gown or something?”

“Hmm. I’ve never done that and I don’t own one. But thinking about it, maybe.”

“And are you alright?” Vince stared at me intently.

“Well, when I was his age, I’d already done all sorts. And he’s…”

“Probably got a clear idea of what he wants.” Vince cocked an eye at me.

I sighed. “I worry about… hurting him, I suppose.”

“Matt is remarkably together for a kid who got bullied. He seems to know his mind.”

“I know, but…”

“When Peter and I first got together, the stuff he wanted to do shocked me.” I eyed Vince, rather startled. He glared and made an annoyed sound. “Gray, nothing weird. But, well, he rimmed me and wanted me to do that to him.”

Wow. “And?” I tried to banish the image of Peter rimming Vince, and the further thought of what it would be like to rim a bum as hairy as Vince’s. ‘Ugh!’ times two.

“It shocked but excited me.”

“Another world.”

“One I sort of knew about, but… So don’t underestimate the man, and give him a chance. Go careful, especially with the body-image thing. But don’t just wrap him in cotton wool either.”

“Thanks, I’ll try.” I grinned. “Never thought we’d be having this sort of conversation.”

“Me neither. Look, I was thinking…”

“What?” I was a bit curious about what he might come up with.

“It struck me, you and he ought to get away. Spend time together.”

I rolled my eyes. “Nice idea. I think we might just manage the Travelodge in Ipswich.”

Vince smiled. “Well, I’m doing OK at the moment. Homewood’s rented out, and that should cover expenses and more. This place will probably take everything we care to throw at it, but for the moment”, he shrugged, “would you let me treat you to a couple of nights away?”

“You can’t…”

“Oh, come on Gray. We’ve never done birthday presents and that. Just this once.”

“OK.” I wasn’t certain.

“Nothing fancy, mind.” He grinned. “Just a couple of nights in a Premier Inn, and you can borrow the car if you want.”

“What would you use?”

He gave a broad smile. “Shanks pony? Jacob has a motorbike; I’ve been on that.”

I laughed. “You and Jacob on his motorbike, blasting off to court.”

“Something like.” He grinned. “We could make it work, and it would only be for a couple of days. I figured you’d need a car to go somewhere with birdwatching.”

“Too right.”

I didn’t bugger off straight away, but settled down with Vince to continue watching the documentary. It wasn’t a subject I would have chosen. But it was interesting, and though it was on a sober and disturbing subject, the way the film maker invoked all sorts of literary tropes was fascinating in itself.

Vince, however, was fully invested in the film’s message, and kept making comments about how the points raised were relevant to Coningham and to the men and women he worked with. Watching TV with Vince was like that; politics or perhaps political economics was never far away.

When it had finished, I asked him whether he had ever thought of getting involved in local politics. He had laughed and said that he wasn’t a good team player and couldn’t stand the personnel issues, as he put it, that went with the job. Having to toe the party line and put up with all the other personalities for the overall good. Vince preferred to get involved directly and feel that he was doing something himself. That he had got involved in something worthwhile like the Centre wasn’t a surprise at all. Then he came out with an interesting comment, that Dad’s politics were far to the right of his, but that he and Dad shared a common impatience with collective will, preferring to get things done. That if he (Vince) had had Dad’s money, he would have done very different things with it, but he would have behaved like Dad. It would have been Vince controlling everything. He grinned, and I reflected that wherever we turned, Dad wasn’t far away.

---

Matt arrived first, which was good. And he was bearing a gift of a homemade loaf.

He grinned at Peter. “I’m crap at biscuits and cakes, so I thought this would be all right. Mum says I should practice more, but she does things like that better. Besides, I have the shop.” He came to a halt, perhaps realising that he was rambling; nerves probably.

Peter simply thanked him and gave him a slight hug, whilst Vince shook his hand and Freddie grinned and nodded and said, “Indeed”.

I led him off to the annexe, and then gave him a proper hug … and we ended up kissing for ages. When we came up for air, he said it was giving him ideas. Why not? It was only a quickie. But I noted that Matt made certain most of his clothes came off, seemingly making a point.

When we emerged, there were smirks from Vince and Peter, though thankfully no-one said anything. Luckily, Rowena was running late. And when she did appear with the boys, it promptly became chaos. We heard Jacob before we saw him; boy, his motorbike was noisy. Of course, Matt and Rowena’s two wanted to go and see it, so we all trooped through to the front drive.

Matt was impressed. It was a gleaming, chrome-and-black classic Norton. Period and very stylish in a retro sort of way. Jacob still had on his uniform of t-shirt and baggy shorts, to which he’d added helmet and gloves. Did the man never get cold?

Matt paid attention, whilst the two lads mobbed Jacob and asked eager questions. I turned to Vince. “You never said it was a Norton.”

He pulled a face. “Does it make a difference?”

I gave an exasperated laugh. “It’s a classic, and it looks fantastic.”

Jacob nodded. “Thanks. Dad’s keen on them, so it sort of rubbed off on me. He restored this as present for my graduation, though I helped.”

Vince smiled, deliberately being obtuse. “As long as it goes.”

“And it does!”

He nodded. “So far.”

Rowena’s boys wanted a go on the bike, which was impossible; but Jacob gave each one a push round the drive. Rowena thanked him and he simply smiled, saying he was well used to it with his cousins and nephews.

We finally ended up in the garden with coffee, cake and biscuits. The boys ran off across the garden to the far end and were joined by Jacob, who seemed to enjoy throwing them around. And judging by the squeals of delight from the boys, this was going down well with them too.

Rowena and Vince ended up talking about prison reform and rehabilitation again. A topic that only they found fascinating, and I reflected rather gleefully that Venetia Murray would not be impressed. Rowena and Vince were bonding, but in totally the wrong way. Joy.

Peter asked me if he was allowed to talk about what I was working on, and Matt snickered. But I was relaxed enough to talk about the various projects I had on hand.

Matt laughed. “He won’t talk about the actual poems, mind.”

Peter was thoughtful. “What do you do with the stuff that doesn’t work, if you don’t mind my asking. I presume you do have rejects and failures.”

“Good question.” I smiled. “I leave them in my notebooks. To marinate. Sometimes I come back to them with a different perspective.”

“Like the notebooks you mentioned in your talk at the Castle.”

“I’ve been looking over them. Quite funny, really. Do any of you know anyone with contacts at the local radio?”

Matt shook his head and Peter frowned, looking thoughtful. Vince seemed to have high-quality hearing as he tuned in. “Local radio? You mean BBC Radio Essex? What do you have in mind?”

All four were now staring at me. Fuck. Should have kept my mouth shut. “A slot or a series. Each one devoted to a place. I describe it, then read the poem.” I shrugged. “Simples.”

Matt stared. “Could you do that? Oh, sorry.”

“Fair question. I have reams of stuff that I wrote years ago. Not all poetry. I’ve been trying a few things out. So yes, I think I could come up with something or even a series of six short talks. And I mean short.”

Vince shot out, “You, on the radio!”

“Thank you for your support.”

“Sorry, that came out wrong.”

Peter made an annoyed sound. “I think you’d better shut up before you make things worse.”

“I just mean it takes experience.”

“Like the vicars who do the slot on Sundays.” Matt smiled. “I think you’d sound great.”

“Well, how’s this…” Vince tried to look positive. “My friend Dawn’s husband knows a guy who works for local radio.” He held out his hands. “That’s all I know. She’s mentioned the bloke in passing a couple of times. I’ll ask, right?”

I let it go; I didn’t want to talk any more about the topic. And we moved the conversation on.

As Rowena was leaving, Matt and I ended up sitting by ourselves in the garden.

“Do you fancy a weekend away?”

“You what?”

“A weekend away.” I grinned. “The two of us, in an hotel.”

“I can’t afford it.”

I put a hand on his. “Vince’s treat.”

“Why? I mean, wow!”

I laughed. “He thinks we need to go off for a weekend of nookie. On our own.”

“Wow… Erm… Yes.”

“Vince would let me borrow his car.”

“Where would we go?”

“Where would you fancy? There’s the RSPB place in Lincolnshire with a Premier Inn in Boston nearby. Something like that.”

Matt looked suddenly serious. “It might not be the best time to visit, and I’ve been there with one of my groups. What I’d really like to do is go to Brighton.”

“Brighton?” I probably sounded sharper than I intended because he looked a bit shamefaced.

“Yeah. There are the amusements on the pier, and the Pavilion and that. I saw a documentary and thought it’d be cool to visit. And…” here he looked a bit coy, “there are gay bars, aren’t there? We could visit them?”

“Well, I’ve been to Brighton, but I’ve never visited the Pavilion, so that would be a first for me, too. And the amusements. And, sure, gay bars. We’d need to do some research, though Bas might know. He’s got friends all over.”

Matt gave me a beaming smile. “It sounds fantastic! And we could go on the train, then you wouldn’t need to mess around parking the car in Brighton. Bet that would be a bugger.”

“Or expensive. OK, Brighton it is.”

“Who’s going to Brighton?” Vince appeared from the hall.

“I was asking Matt where he wanted to go for our weekend away and he suggested Brighton.”

“I’d imagined you go off to somewhere lonely and full of birds.”

“I do that with the club, and the bird places I’d like to go specially are a bit far for just a weekend.”

“Fair enough.” Vince smiled. “So you have a longer trip to look forward to as well.”

I shrugged. “Suits me.”

Peter had appeared. “So, Brighton?”

Matt gave an embarrassed grin. “The amusements on the pier, the beach, the Pavilion. I saw a couple of documentaries and it looks amazing. And there are gay bars too.”

“I see you’ve got it all sorted out.”

“And we can go by train so Gray doesn’t have to drive.”

Vince and Peter stared at us for a long moment, such that Matt gave me a nervous look.

“I think you’ve surprised them, Matt. And all to the good. It’s OK, though, isn’t it?”

Vince smiled. “As long as it’s within budget, that’s fine by me.”

“Besides, you’ll get more excitement in spring when the birds are migrating.”

Vince turned to me. “There you are, excitement to come.”