A terrible, nonsensical poetry and others - 2. Aphrodite

Dear diary and myself,

I have read so many love quotes and others for writing purposes. Growing up in a broken family with a fucked up life childhood deprived me of certain things and one of them is a sense of normalcy.

I lacked measurements on normal things and it used to worry me.

What if my love is self destructive? What if I am incapable to love and being loved? With my family genes in me filled with murderers, tragedy and insanity.

What if I can't love? What if I am not normal?

What if I won't be able to be happy despite what I have gone through?

I realized that...in the end it doesn't matter. My past shaped my needs that I learned to embrace. My menage a trois arrangements. My choice and judgement to the one who I love and placed my trust in gave me clarity. In moments of....duress, I judge what was in front of me with all emotions. While the one to my lover had issues and have caused a lot of trouble and is definately the least ideal situation for me because only god knows how many fucking time I wanted to give both of them a middle finger I...I have none to him.

Physical pain is not punishing but to some degree feels good and I wanted it. I did not do it to punish myself my ...biology merely altered due to circumstances. Can I choose to deprive myself of it and be more normal?

Of course but...its not me. We are not talking about mental aspect but physical here. If. IF my lover aaid that they are unable to love and fulfill my need, that their love goes hand in hand to mental abuse or the lack in their ability to give, it simply mean that they are weak.

Humanity have preserved through multiple odds for millions and billions of years. Through many genus. So will I and hopefully one day I can find happiness.

Here's to living life to the fullest and accepting the bad and the good that happens.