A terrible, nonsensical poetry and others - 5. Chapter 5 How?

Its 12 30am again.

Of course I am crying, I wish the pain would just stop. What do I have to do that this will stop?

I think its cruel...its cruel that he left me with advise to stand tall, to love myself and wanting to see me succeed in life.

'Go take a shower. We will scrub our hair clean and they will feel nice again.' A soft voice whispers.

How do I even love again? I don't know how. I was never taught. What do I do everything for now? What do I fight for? There is no one to hug me tighly anymore. I dont have an anchor.

'For your future self.' That voice whispers again, 'For hope..' and it went quiet, 'We will learn again. We grieved before, the first time was the worst. There was no one then he came...his time with you is done. No matter who's fault it is. You can't look back.'

Tears stream down again. The self blame came again. Had only I have not done that?

'True. But its not your fault. Its not your fault that you are hurting. You have to work for yourself. You have to aim high for the stars and learn. He taught you that people who are great associate with those who had struggle and reached them. So you have to do that. Never settle for less. You are grateful for where you have come but there will be more. I promise you. There will be someone to love you. Even if there is none...at that point you will love yourself.'

Its alone its scary. If I fucked up, there will be no one to save me. I feel lost. There is no one to guide me again. He taught me to wash my delicate clothes in a laundry bag. He taught he how to shower, he literally showered me. That was how neglected I was. I don't even have basic skills to care for myself.

'He promise he will be there as a friend...and. You are not alone like in Melaka. There are those who will love and support you. Before you make do with your mistakes but now, you will do better. You wont make them because for that split second before every decision you made, you know you can choose better. You will love yourself because I love you too. You know how you could turn out if you didnt leave your hurting and trauma to the past. So leave them, because carrying them would not help now. Shed them away and make something new because you always know what is best for you.'

And the tears began again

'Because you know that when you said he is cruel its because you look into the future where you will be lost and it worries you. He said he will be a friend, be a friend and ask. You know there will be hardship and suffering, not for the worst but for the best. Because you worry that you are not enough to achieve what you want.'