Alex's Legacy - 7. Chapter 7

Over the next month my life settled into a ‘new normal’. I resumed my duties at the Nook and hired an assistant manager, Elise, even though Alex seemed bound and determined to assume that role. He took a leave of absence from work and spent all his time taking care of me, to my growing resentment. I reached my breaking point when I turned around and ran into him while carrying my lunch, spilling it all over us.

“Get the fuck away from me, Alex!”

“I’m sorry, Sammy!”

“I’m not a goddamn invalid so back off!” I threw the now-empty soup bowl into the sink and stormed off to the bathroom. He made the mistake of following me.

“I’m not kidding, Alex. Back the fuck off.”

“Sam…”

“Get out!” I yelled.

“I said I’m sorry.”

“I don’t care! I can’t go anywhere without you breathing down my neck! Now get out!”

“Sam…”

I barged past him into my bedroom, grabbed his bag, stuffed his clothes in it, and threw it at him.

“Get. Out.”

He looked at me, crestfallen. “You don’t mean that, Sammy.”

“The hell I don’t. Give me some space, Alex. You’re smothering me! Now get the hell out of here!” I went into the bathroom and slammed the door, turned the shower to scalding hot, and stood under the stream until the water became lukewarm.

Later I phoned downstairs to let Elise know that I wouldn’t be back for the rest of the day. I grabbed my favorite blanket and curled up on the couch. I scrolled through NetFlix until I found something that I thought would hold my interest, then pulled the blanket close and hugged my pillow tightly. It was the first time I’d been alone since my first visit to Daniel’s office. I loved Alex and appreciated everything he sacrificed for me, but we needed to find a happy medium. I was making progress in therapy; although I still couldn’t go out in public alone or work alone. I wasn’t having nightmares anymore, but I lived with the shadow of the rape over my head.

Craig pled guilty to the rape charge since the evidence against him was overwhelming. The incident was caught on security camera and he left behind quite a bit of physical evidence. His friends claimed that they thought I was a willing participant in a rape fantasy and were horrified to find out the truth. Apparently I wasn’t the first and I didn’t have any sympathy for them. I wanted them prosecuted just as much as I did Craig. I wasn’t sure how to get closure regarding my ordeal or even what that meant. The words of the blond-haired man replayed in my head. ‘I didn’t get over it, and I never will. But I learned to live with it. You will, too.’ I wondered how long it would take. It was something I discussed with Daniel at length. I thought it might be a good idea to make an appointment with him to discuss Alex. I didn’t want to lose him, but we couldn’t continue with the way things were.

I lay in bed that night, tossing and turning. Alex tried calling a few times, but I didn’t answer or listen to his voicemails. After a couple hours I finally drifted off to sleep, only to awake a short time later drenched in sweat, screaming from a nightmare. I grabbed Alex’s pillow and inhaled deeply, taking in his scent. I held it close and tried my damnedest not to break down in tears. It didn’t work.

*****

Alex came into the Nook about an hour after opening, looking as haggard as I felt. I frowned.

“I’ve been coming here every day for the past seven months for my morning coffee. I’m not going to stop now.”

I wordlessly poured us both a cup of coffee and motioned to a table. I took a sip and then slowly set my cup down. “We can’t continue like this.”

He looked like I physically punched him. “Please don’t leave me, Sam. I’m so sorry I was smothering you.” He ran his hand through his hair. “God… I just can’t help myself, can I? This is Simon all over again.”

“I’m not Simon, Alex, and I’m not leaving you. I just need some space right now. Please respect that.”

“I love you so much, Sammy. Please don’t push me away. I can’t lose you.”

“I love you too, Alex, but you aren’t giving me any space and we need to do something about that.”

“I don’t know what to do,” he whispered, fiddling with his coffee cup.

“Go home. Let me stand on my own two feet. I’ll call you later, ok?”

He nodded as he brushed a tear from his cheek.

“I need to get back to work.”

Alex took a deep breath. “Can I still come in for my morning coffee?”

I smiled. “You have free coffee for life, remember?” My heart broke with every step Alex took away from me as he walked out of the store, but I knew if we were to survive that it had to be done.

*****

I had just finished up washing my dishes when the doorbell rang. Ricky stood at the door in tattered jeans and a tee shirt. “Hey man, c’mon in. Is everything ok?”

“We need to talk.”

“Ok.”

We went upstairs and sat on opposite ends of the couch.

“Can I get you anything?”

“Nah, thanks.” He paused. “So it’s been two weeks since you’ve seen Lex. He’s miserable, you know.”

“This isn’t exactly a walk in the park for me, either.”

“Believe me, I do know what you’re going through and I’ve tried to explain it to him.”

“How could you possibly know what I’m going through?”

“Because it happened to me.”

I blanched. “Oh my God.”

“I was in college and had just come out. I went to a gay bar with some friends and had a great time, at first. All these hot guys were dancing with me and hitting on me. There was one in particular… he was an Adonis and everyone there was drooling over him, but he only had eyes for me. I had never experienced anything like it. It was intoxicating.” Ricky paused and took a deep breath before continuing. His voice slightly trembled. “No one told me what it meant to go to the back rooms, so I went with him willingly. When I realized what he wanted, I tried to say no and leave, but he wouldn’t let me. I didn’t want to lose my virginity that way.”

He took my hand and squeezed it. “It was a long time before I was ready to face what happened. I fell into a deep depression and was drunk almost every night. I kept denying anything was wrong, but Lex finally managed to get me to tell him what happened. He encouraged me to get the help I needed and it made all the difference. So did Andy, once I was able to let my guard down enough to let him into my heart.”

“There were five of them…” I whispered. I told him everything they did to me. It was the first time I was able to truly talk about it. When I finished, Ricky silently embraced me and we cried in each other’s arms.

“Alex really loves you, you know.”

“I know. I really love him, too.”

“Then why are you pushing him away?”

“I appreciate that he’s trying to help, but he needs to understand that I need my space, too. I know I have my issues, but I’m not an invalid.”

“Ignoring him isn’t the way to handle it. You told him you’d still be in touch, but you won’t answer his calls and aren’t around in the mornings when he comes in for his coffee. I’ve never seen him like this, Sam. Not even after Simon left.”

“I know I’m hurting him, but I just don’t know what to do. I’m hurting, too.”

Ricky looked at me pointedly. “I think you’re making excuses. There’s more to this, isn’t there?”

I winced. “What do you mean?” I was afraid of his answer.

“After my rape I felt unclean… like I was forever tainted and no man would want me. I denied Andy for so long because I didn’t feel good enough for him. He deserved to be with someone that wanted to have sex. I was terrified at the thought of ever having sex again.”

I was stunned. He hit the nail right on the head. “Alex deserves so much better than me,” I whispered. “I’m disgusting.”

“Sam, you are such an amazing person. You are adorable, sweet, and one of the nicest people I’ve ever met. If I wasn’t with Andy, Lex would have some serious competition.”

I looked down. “You’re just saying that to make me feel better.”

Ricky put his finger under my chin and lifted my head gently. “No, I’m not. I meant every word.”

I looked at him skeptically.

He smiled softly. “You have no idea what effect you have on people. Lex is a very lucky guy.”

I blushed. “Thanks.”

“Promise me you’ll talk to him. You guys have such a great thing going. I’d hate to see you split up over this.”

“I promise. Do you want to watch a movie? We can order a pizza.”

Ricky smiled. “Sure. I’d like that.”

*****

Alex sat at our usual table, sipping his coffee. He had dark circles under his eyes and sat with his shoulders slumped. His leg bounced and he drummed his fingers on the table absently. He kept glancing at the counter where Elise worked. He looked so sad. My heart raced at the sight of him. He straightened up when he noticed me. I walked over to the counter, poured myself a cup of coffee, and sat down across from him. He reached for my hand, but stopped, letting it drop in his lap.

“Hi…” I said.

He smiled tentatively. “Hey.”

“Alex—“

“Sam—“

We both laughed nervously. “Go ahead,” I said.

“How are you?”

My face darkened momentarily. “I’m getting there.” I paused. “I had a long talk with Daniel about us.”

Alex looked at me nervously. His leg bounced even faster.

“What are you doing tonight?”

“Sitting at home, waiting for the phone to ring.”

I shook my head. “Come over at 7:00. We need to talk.”

He looked at me skeptically.

“Please, Alex? I want to work this out… if you’ll still have me.”

“You’re all I’ve ever wanted since I first set eyes on you.”

I reached across the table and took his hand. He brushed a tear away from his cheek.

“Sammy, I’m so sor—“

“Don’t. Not right now, Ok?”

He nodded. “Ok.” He moved to sit in the seat next to me. He sighed as he brushed my hair out of my eyes. I closed my eyes and leaned into his touch.

“Can I kiss you?” He whispered.

I opened my eyes, looking right into Alex’s. I leaned close and just as our lips were about to meet, I reached up and kissed his forehead. “You can kiss me tonight,” I smirked.

He ruffled my hair and laughed as he stood. “Count on it. See you tonight, babe.”

“See you.”