Alex's Legacy - 6. Chapter 6

Alex stayed with me throughout the whole hospital ordeal. The nurse completed a rape kit, which made me feel raped all over again. They took pictures of my injuries and swabbed anywhere there could possibly be fluids and bombarded me with questions. Eventually I shut down and refused to talk. I required surgery for the anal tears and Alex was by my side when I woke up. I was discharged the next day with instructions for post-surgical care, a card with the detective’s contact information so I could make a statement, and the recommendation that I make an appointment with my therapist. Alex drove me home and I told him to leave; I just wanted to be alone. I could see the hurt and disappointment on his face, but all I wanted to do was curl up in a ball in bed. I was ashamed that he had witnessed the aftermath of my humiliation.

*****

Allison and Tom ran the Nook for me. They brought me food, although I wouldn’t eat. I spent my days in bed or curled up on the couch and refused to see any visitors, including Alex. I didn’t take care of myself and stopped caring about everything.

After a week, Alex and Allison entered the apartment to find me curled up in a blanket on the couch.

“Go away,” I mumbled.

“No.” Allison sat down next to me and tried to touch my arm. I flinched away.

“Samuel Sullivan, get off this couch and get your stanky ass in the shower right now! It’s time you rejoined the land of the living!”

I glowered at her and pulled the blanket closer.

“If you aren’t in that shower in one minute, I’m getting Tom up here and he and Alex will throw you in there and I’ll wash you myself!”

She met my glare and I relented. I knew her too well; I’d never win. I stalked off to the shower. The hot water felt good. I threw on a fresh pair of sweats and a t-shirt and padded my way back to the living room. I grabbed my blanket and curled up in my chair, since Alex and Allison were occupying the couch.

“Sammy –“

“Don’t, Alex,” I whispered. “I just need some space right now.”

“What you need is help.”

I scowled at him. “I need to be left alone!”

“And how’s that working for you?” Allison asked.

“Screw you.”

“Screw – oh you did NOT just say that to me!” Allison stood up. “Tom and I took vacation time from our jobs to run YOUR business and all you have to say is ‘screw you’? Well screw YOU, Sam! Get your fucking ass out of that chair, get downstairs, and take care of your own damn business!” She stormed out of the apartment and slammed the door.

“I’ll be right back, Sammy,” Alex said and followed her. I moved to the couch and turned on the TV. A short while later, he returned and sat next to me. I moved away, but he just moved closer.

“I’m not going anywhere, Sam.”

I frowned. He gently brushed my hair away from my eyes. I flinched.

“You’re breaking my heart, baby,” he said, his voice cracking. “Please let me help you.”

“You can’t help me. No one can,” I whispered.

“I made you an appointment with a counselor who specializes in male rape cases.”

I stiffened. “I don’t want to talk about it.”

“You don’t have to talk about anything you don’t want to, but please see him, sweetheart. For my sake, if not your own.”

I narrowed my eyes at him. “It’s pointless, since I won’t talk to him.”

“Then just sit there, but please go.”

“When?”

“Tomorrow morning.”

“I don’t have a choice, do I?”

“Not really.”

“Fine, I’ll go. Will you please leave me alone now?”

“Sam…”

“Please, Alex.”

“Ok. I’ll see you tomorrow, sweetheart.”

The look on his face should have broken my heart, but I was too numb to care.

I woke up at 3:00am screaming. I had a nightmare that Craig had me trapped in my apartment and he was laughing while his friends raped me again. I ran to the bathroom and barely made it to the toilet before I threw up. I sat slumped between the bathtub and the toilet, and thought about my upcoming therapy appointment. I wasn’t ready to face what happened. I stood up and opened the medicine cabinet to grab my toothpaste. Sitting next to it was my bottle of anxiety pills. I shakily reached for the bottle and opened it. It was nearly full. I emptied it into my hand. Some of the pills fell into the sink because I was shaking so bad, and I closed my hand to prevent further spillage. I walked into the kitchen and poured myself a glass of water. It would be so easy to swallow the handful of pills and ease my pain. I thought of Alex and the look on his face when he left earlier and I screamed as I threw the pills across the kitchen. I ran into my bedroom and flung myself down on my bed. I grabbed my pillow and hugged it to my body, sobbing and wailing into it until I drifted into uneasy sleep.

*****

Alex picked me up at 10:00 the next morning. I endured the drive in sullen silence. The doctor showed me to his office immediately.

“I’m Dr. Daniel Snowden, but you can call me Daniel.”

I glared at him.

“Why don’t we start with your name? Do you prefer Sam or Samuel?”

“Sam,” I muttered.

“Ok, Sam. What do you do for a living?”

“I own a bookstore.”

“How long have you owned it?”

I raised my eyebrows at him. “That’s what you want to talk about? You aren’t going to ask me about what happened?”

“Do you want to talk about what happened?”

“NO!”

“Ok… we don’t have to talk about – “

“I don’t want to talk about it! Leave me alone!” I screamed. I started shaking and hyperventilating. I ran out of the room, but tripped and fell as I wrenched the door open and went into a full-blown panic attack. I curled up into a ball, fighting for breath. Alex was immediately by my side.

“Shh… Sammy, calm down, you’ll be ok… it’s ok…”

“No, it’s not!” I gasped. “It’ll never be ok again!” I tried to get up and run out the front door, but I tripped again and fell back against the secretary’s desk. Alex tried to sit by my side, but I put my hands up in a defensive gesture. “Get away from me!” I screamed. “Leave me alone! Everyone leave me alone! Don’t you understand? I just want to die!” I wailed and sobbed into my knees.

“I know you don’t want to hear this right now, but it gets better,” a soft voice said. I looked to my right; there was a blond-haired man sitting a few feet away from me. He looked at me sympathetically.

I scoffed. “What the fuck would you know? You have no idea what I’ve been through!”

“No, but I know what I’ve been through, and although the specifics may be different, the end result is the same.” He paused. “A year ago I was catatonic because of what happened to me.”

“What happened to you?”

His faced hardened momentarily before returning to stoic impassiveness. “I was abducted and held captive for two weeks.” His voice hitched. “I was raped and tortured daily. I’m the only known survivor. I suffered from severe PTSD and relived the hell I went through every minute of every day. I was so desperate to escape the pain that I thought the only way out was to kill myself.”

“Why didn’t you?”

His expression softened as he looked at a gray-haired man sitting next to Alex. The man had his hand on Alex’s shoulder, squeezing gently. “The love of an amazing man. Sleeping in his arms stopped the nightmares.” He paused. “Daniel has been instrumental in my recovery, too. Let him help you. He’s very good at what he does.”

“I can’t face it. I’m not ready yet.”

“At least hear what he has to say. He won’t put any pressure on you, I promise.”

“How did you get over it?”

He looked down briefly, then his bright green eyes looked directly into my own. “I didn’t. I never will, but I have learned how to live with it. You will too.”

“I just want the pain to end. I can’t live with it anymore. It’s too hard.”

“I think you have one hell of a good reason to live sitting right over there.” He gestured toward Alex.

He looked like hell. His clothes were disheveled and it looked like he hadn’t slept all week. He was crying and looked at me with such pain in his eyes that I gasped.

“Don’t leave me, Sammy. I love you so much. We’ll get through this, I promise. Please let me help, and please don’t leave me!” He put his head in his hands and his body shook as he sobbed.

I stood up, ran to him, and launched myself into his arms. His hand snaked through my hair to the back of my head and he enveloped me in a deep embrace. I fisted my hands in his shirt and bawled until I slumped in his arms, exhausted. I sniffled and hiccupped, then looked into Alex’s tear-filled eyes. He brushed my hair out of my eyes and kissed my forehead. I nuzzled into his shoulder.

“Sam, are you still thinking of harming yourself?” Dr. Snowden asked softly.

Alex tightened his arms around me. I shook my head.

“I’ll take care of him, Doc. I won’t leave his side.”

*****

Alex held my hand during the entire drive home. I immediately went to the couch, grabbed my blanket, and curled up.

“What do you want for lunch, sweetheart?”

“I’m not hungry.”

“When was the last time you ate?”

“I have no idea.”

Alex walked into the kitchen and gasped. He walked over to me with a stricken look. He held out his hand, filled with the pills I threw the night before.

“Sammy?”

I closed my eyes and turned away. “I didn’t take any,” I whispered.

“Oh my God!” He enveloped me in his arms and I could feel his hot tears as they fell on my arm. “I should have stayed. I never should have let you keep me away. I’m so sorry I failed you, Sam. I love you so much. It would kill me to lose you.”

I wrapped my arms around him. “I’m so scared, Alex. I don’t know what to do. It just hurts all the time.”

“I’m here for you, baby. If I could take it all away, I would.”

“You deserve so much better than me.”

“There is no better for me, sweetheart.” He took my face in his hands and rested his forehead on mine, looking deep into my eyes. “I love you with all my heart and soul. We’ll get through this, I promise.” He brushed my hair out of my eyes and kissed me softly.

I looked down. “I’m too scared to have sex. I feel like I’m tainted. That’s not fair to you.”

Alex scoffed. “Do you honestly think I’d even consider having sex with you before you’re ready? Believe me, Sammy, sex is the last thing on my mind right now. All I want is for you to get better.” He kissed my forehead. “How’s soup and sandwiches sound for lunch?”

“Ok.”

Alex insisted on staying with me that night. I wouldn’t let him in my bed, so he slept on the couch. I knew I was hurting him, but I still needed my space. I woke up in the middle of the night screaming from another nightmare. Craig and his buddies were at it again, only this time it was Alex they were raping. He was by my side in an instant and I latched onto him like a lifeline, shaking and gasping for breath. He spoke to me in low, soothing tones and rocked me back and forth until my breathing evened out. He got under the covers with me and I settled into his side, falling into dreamless sleep almost immediately.