Alex's Legacy - 8. Chapter 8

“I don’t know what to do. I love Alex so much, but I almost feel afraid of him. It sounds so ridiculous to even say that.” I looked out the window, clenching the arm of the black leather couch.

“Why do you think you’re afraid of him?”

“It’s not that I’m afraid of him exactly…I know he would never hurt me. It’s hard to explain. Sometimes when I look at him I’m reminded of—“ I couldn’t finish the sentence. I wasn’t even sure I’d be able to put my feelings into words. I hadn’t admitted them, even to myself.

Daniel shifted in his chair. “You’re reminded of…”

I bounced my leg and frowned. “I can’t say it,” I whispered.

“The only way for you to move on is to say it. Keeping it inside will only hurt yourself and your relationship with Alex.”

I flinched. “I hurt all the time.”

“And you’re taking it out on him.”

I shrugged. “I suppose.”

“What does he remind you of?”

“He has the same color hair as Craig,” I muttered.

“So Alex reminds you of Craig?” Daniel asked.

“No!” I shouted. “Alex is nothing like Craig! He’s kind and loving and sweet and every time I look at him I see Craig’s face mocking me!” I wrapped my arms around my legs and sobbed. “What am I supposed to do? The man I love reminds me of the man who destroyed my life!” I wailed.

Daniel set his notebook on the table next to his chair and leaned forward. “Tell me about making love with Alex.”

I looked at him incredulously. “What?”

“Tell me what it’s like when you and Alex have sex.”

I sniffled and grabbed a tissue. I wiped my eyes and blew my nose. “It’s amazing. I’ve never been with anyone like him. He’s so attentive and gentle. Sometimes too gentle, when all I want is to be thrown down on the bed and fucked into oblivion.” My eyes widened, and I blushed bright red.

Daniel smiled. “Trust me. There isn’t anything you can say to me that I haven’t already heard. There’s no need to be embarrassed.” He paused. “What’s different about being with Alex versus other men? You said you’ve never been with anyone like him. How so?”

I thought about it. I didn’t have the best track record with past relationships. “He treats me like I matter.”

“Who treated you like you didn’t matter?”

“My last boyfriend. My parents... pretty much everyone except Tom, Allison, and my grandma.”

“Let’s start with your last boyfriend.”

“We wanted different things. I wanted a relationship; he wanted someone to fuck.”

“What do you consider your last true relationship?”

I shrugged. “My high school boyfriend, I suppose.”

“Tell me about him.”

“There’s not much to tell. We met in study hall. He was so cute I couldn’t stop stealing looks at him. He asked me out at the end of the year, and we spent all summer together. Neither one of us was out, but it wasn’t an issue until school started back up. We had to hide our relationship, and I didn’t want to. The ironic thing is that he was the one who ended up outing us. We broke up shortly after.”

“Did you love him?”

“I thought I did at the time. Now, I think I just loved all the ‘firsts’ we shared.”

“Have you ever loved another man as much as Alex?”

“No. I haven’t.”

“Try remembering that when you look at him.”

“Ok.”

*****

“Hey, sweetheart.” Alex walked behind the counter and kissed me. I flinched away. He stiffened and narrowed his eyes at me. He turned abruptly on his heel and left the store, slamming the door.

I stared after him, crestfallen. I hadn’t meant to flinch away from him. He just startled me. Today was the first day since the attack that I worked alone. That, combined with my session with Daniel, had me a bit on edge.

I fished my anxiety medication out of my pocket and took one. I hated having to take it, but I was the only one available to work the store, and I couldn’t afford to close early. Business was slow for the rest of the evening, and I closed up at 9:00.

I changed into my pajamas and flopped down on the couch, curling up in my blanket. I wasn’t hungry, so I decided to skip dinner. I grabbed my cell phone, scrolling through the menu until I came to Alex’s number. I hit ‘dial’ and listened to the phone ring until his voicemail picked up. I sighed and set the phone down on the floor next to the couch. I turned the TV on and drifted to sleep.

*****

A book club held their monthly meeting at the Nook the next morning, so the store was quite busy. It was 11:00 before I realized that Alex had never showed up for his morning coffee. I checked my cell phone, but there weren’t any messages. I sent him a text, and didn’t receive a response. I frowned. Now I had an inkling of what I had put him through over the past few weeks. I vowed to never do that to him again. It really hurt.

I tried calling mid-afternoon, again with no response. He usually finished work at 5:00, so if I didn’t hear from him then, I planned on driving to his apartment to apologize. I was starting to realize how tough I had been on Alex, and I loved him too much to lose him.

At 6:00 I stood on his porch and knocked on the front door. I had a pizza in one hand and a bouquet of flowers in the other. Alex opened the door and looked at me with an unreadable expression on his face. I held out the flowers. “I’m sorry.”

He crossed his arms and looked at me levelly. It was a full minute before he sighed and took the flowers, stepping aside to let me in. I set the pizza on the kitchen counter as he rummaged through his cupboards. He placed the flowers in a vase, and set out plates and cups. We wordlessly gathered our dinner, and retreated to the living room. I sat on the couch and Alex sat on the chair. He turned the TV on to the news. He wouldn’t look at me.

We ate our pizza in uncomfortable silence. I ate half of one slice before setting my plate down on the coffee table. “So how was your day?”

“Fine.”

The silence stretched on.

“Alex, we need to talk.”

“I’m listening.”

“I love you.”

“I know. I love you, too.”

“It’s not enough, though, is it?”

“It is if you’ll let it be.”

I frowned. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“You push me away every chance you get, and I’m getting sick of it. I’ve done nothing but be there for you, Sam. A relationship only works when both people are invested in it. I’m not sure how invested in us you really are.”

I looked away and fiddled with the blanket on the back of the couch. He was right. My behavior toward him since the attack would have driven any other man away.

“You don’t think I’ve noticed the way you look at me, Sam? I’m not Craig, sweetheart. I would never hurt you.”

I gasped, and looked at him in horror. He had tears in his eyes and his hands were shaking. “I know you would never hurt me, but it’s not that simple,” I whispered.

“It’s as simple as you want it to be.”

I shook my head. “I love you more than I’ve ever loved anyone before. I want to make this work.” I paused. “I’m trying, babe. I really am.” I stood up and walked over to him, crawling onto his lap. I wrapped my arms around him, and nuzzled into his shoulder.

He stiffened, then relaxed, embracing me and running his hands along my back. “I love you so much, Sam.” He kissed the top of my head.

I sat up and looked into his eyes. I brushed the tears away from his cheeks, running my hands through his hair and drawing him close. I kissed him tentatively at first, then ran my tongue along his lower lip, asking for entrance. He opened his mouth and deepened the kiss, drawing me tightly to him. We made out for several minutes, tongues dancing, almost desperate in our need for the other until we were both gasping for air. I hadn’t realized how much I missed being this intimate with him. He tasted like home.

We stood up. Alex grabbed my hand and led me toward his bedroom. I hesitated and looked at him apprehensively. He took my face in both his hands and brushed my hair out of my eyes. “We don’t have to do anything you don’t want to. I just want you in my bed again.”

I smiled tentatively and kissed him. “I trust you, Alex.”

I followed him into his bedroom, and we stood next to his bed, embracing and caressing each other. His hands flitted under the hem of my shirt, fingers drawing tantalizing circles along my bare flesh. I lifted my arms, and he slipped my shirt off, followed shortly by his. He drew me close, and I relished the feel of his bare chest against mine. He lowered his hands to my hips and traced a path along the top of my jeans. He maneuvered us so that my back was to the bed, and very gently pushed me down. I scooted back on the bed, looking at him enticingly. He bent down and kissed my belly, making his way up to my nipples, where he stopped to pay some extra attention. I gasped when I felt his tongue swirl around them, and his teeth gently nip before kissing them and resuming his upward quest. I was panting by the time he reached my neck, pausing to kiss, lick, and nibble right below my ear. He took my earlobe playfully in his teeth, running his tongue along it and kissing his way along my jaw and back to my mouth.

I practically devoured him, wrapping my arms and legs around him, drawing him as close to me as I could. I kissed my way across his face and down his neck, spending time where his neck and shoulder met. He groaned loudly and grabbed my face, kissing me passionately. He ground his hips into mine and I could feel his desire. I tensed. Alex immediately backed off and kissed me tenderly and slowly, brushing my hair out of my eyes. I smiled, and kissed him. “I’m ok.”

Alex moved his hands down to my jeans and unbuttoned them, kissing me the whole time. I stiffened when he started to pull them down, and put my hands on top of his, stopping him.

“I’m not going to do anything you don’t want me to, Sammy. Why don’t we strip to our boxers and go from there?”

I nodded and he finished removing my jeans before removing his own. We slid under the covers and I nestled into his side. He ran his hands along my back and sides, tracing ever-lower circles until he stopped at the waistband of my boxers.

“I just want to touch you, sweetheart. Is that ok?”

I nodded as I explored his body with my hands and mouth, rediscovering the reactions that touching and kissing certain areas elicited.

He reached underneath my boxers, caressing and squeezing my ass. I went rigid when he dipped a finger into my cleft, and pushed against him. He left his hand where it was and brought his other hand up to my face, cupping my cheek. “It’s me, sweetheart. I’m not going to hurt you.”

Tears welled in my eyes as I fought the panic attack. My breathing quickened until I was fighting for air and I closed my eyes, willing myself to relax. Alex’s thumb moved against my face, but otherwise, he remained still.

I opened my eyes and moved slightly away from him. He frowned in concern. I moved my hands up to his chest, then his face. I ran my hands through his hair shakily, letting it fall through my fingers before repeating the process. Tears slid down my face as we maintained this tableau for several minutes; Alex remained motionless with one hand on my ass and one on my face while I explored him with my eyes, warring with the competing emotions coursing through me.

I thought of Daniel’s advice and concentrated on my love for Alex. I felt ridiculous for associating Alex with Craig. I grabbed the back of his head and pulled him to me fiercely, embracing him for all I was worth, and sobbed into his shoulder. Alex ran his hands lightly up and down my back, soothing me with low tones, kisses, and reassurances of love.

My anxiety started to ease, and I kissed my way down his neck and chest until I reached his boxers. They were damp from his desire, and I ran my palm along his length, drawing a long moan from him. I pulled his underwear down just enough to free him, and took him immediately into my mouth. He arched his hips into me, hands grabbing and twisting the sheets. I pulled off when I felt him get close to the brink, and crawled up until I could kiss him, pulling him to me. “Make love to me, Alex,” I murmured.

“Are you sure, sweetheart? You know I’d like nothing more, but I want you to be ready.”

“I’m as ready as I’ll ever be. I’m not going to say I’m not scared, because the truth is I’m terrified. But I need to do this so I can reclaim my life.” I ran my hand along his face.

Alex kissed me, then reached over to the nightstand and opened a drawer, pulling out a condom and lube. He knelt between my legs, caressing them. “Do you want to top? It might be easier for you.”

I looked at him, shocked. Alex hated to bottom. “It means so much to me that you would offer, Alex, but I need to feel you inside me.” I lifted my legs, offering myself to him.

“If you’re sure…”

“I’m sure.”

He opened the bottle of lube, and I closed my eyes. Alex ran his hand along my length and cupped my balls before dipping his finger lower. I tensed and sucked my breath in. My leg muscles ached with strain. He removed his finger and I relaxed, only to stiffen back up when I felt his finger again, this time slick with the lube.

“Relax, Sammy. Open your eyes, sweetheart. It’s just me. You’re ok.”

I opened my eyes and immediately relaxed upon seeing the love and compassion in Alex’s eyes. He rubbed his finger against my opening before sliding it in. I closed my eyes and went rigid. I was back in the alley, hearing the mocking laughter of Craig and his friends. I shook and tried to even out my breathing.

“Sammy, open your eyes. You’re safe. It’s ok, sweetheart. It’s just me… It’s Alex… you’re safe…”

I opened an eye and the image of the alley shattered. I exhaled slowly. Alex resumed his ministrations and I kept my eyes open this time, watching the expression on his face as he prepared me for making love. After he added a third finger I nodded. I was ready.

He pulled his fingers out and opened the condom, applying it and a generous portion of lube to his erection. He scooted closer to me and lifted my hips until he was even with my entrance. He pushed slowly, watching me the entire time. The doctors had warned me that even though the scar tissue from the surgery was minimal, it might hurt more than usual the first few times I had sex again. I hissed in pain as Alex breached me, and he stilled, waiting until my expression softened. I nodded, and he pushed until he was fully inside me. He leaned over me, resting his forehead on mine, and kissed me. I put my arms around his neck and we made out until I adjusted to having Alex inside me. I moaned and thrust my hips upward, letting him know that I was ok and I was ready.

He pulled back and then pushed back in, repeating the rhythm slowly and methodically, gauging my reaction. I wrapped my legs around his hips and thrust upward, urging him on. He obliged my request and sped up his thrusts, keeping them gentle. It felt even more incredible than it did the first time we made love. In a sense, we were making love for the first time since this marked a new start for us; one that would last until the second time my life shattered. His thrusts changed rhythm and his breathing became erratic, signaling that he was close. He groaned loudly as he spent himself into the condom, triggering my release. He collapsed on top of me, sated and happy, and he had tears in his eyes when he looked at me. We kissed softly and lay in each other’s arms until Alex softened enough to slip out of me. He walked to the bathroom and returned with a damp washcloth to clean me up. He crawled under the covers and we fell asleep in each other’s arms.