A Year Changes Everything - 7. Chapter 7

Looking back now, I can admit that I did not behave well in the following weeks.

I was so muddled up by what I was feeling that I didn't know what to do. I am not using that as an excuse, but I hope it is at least mitigation for my actions.

I withdrew from the close friendship with Andrew. I was so convinced that the whole situation with him was to blame for my confusion that I felt sure that if I disengaged that all would go back to normal.

I avoided being alone with Andrew to the extent that I even made sure that he was asleep whenever I went back to our room at night.

As much as I avoided him and limited our contact even as we shared a room I felt empty and lonely. Sitting with Matt and Simon having drinks was not the same without Andrew.

The truth was I was miserable and the distance made no difference in terms of my ability to pick up women. My heart wasn't in it, no matter how much I tried.

The weeks passed. Thanksgiving came and went and then the Christmas holidays.

The second week of December saw everyone heading home and I packed my bag and left when Andrew was out

My misery and confusion was translated into a sarcastic anger back at home. I snapped at everyone: my brothers, my parents. Everyone.

A week after I came home Casper confronted me.

"Why are you being such an asshole?" he asked.

"What?!"

"You've been an angry, miserable bastard ever since you got back. You've upset everyone, which must be some kind of record."

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"Really?" Casper replied. "You're such a fucking asshole. What the fuck is your problem?!"

We were in our room as he confronted me and I sat down on my bed.

"I'm sorry," I said after a while. "I'm sorry."

I began to weep, sitting on the end of my bed. I couldn't stop, as much as I wanted to and as ashamed I was to being crying in front of my younger brother.

Eventually, I told him everything.

"Am I gay?" I asked desperately.

"Ryan, the only person who can answer that is you," replied my brother.

"Contrary to popular belief, there is no such thing as a 'gaydar'. The only person who can say whether you are gay or not is you."

"But, I don't know what I am," I said.

"I don't know either."

"Fuck!" I exclaimed.

"I'd love to meet the guy who made my macho brother gay, though," said Casper with a wicked grin.

"Fuck off," I said, smiling at him. "Thanks for this."

"No problemo. You're my brother and whatever happens, I love you. We all do."