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I generally tend not to trust people or believe everything they say for quite a while. This is one of my defense mechanisms as I have been burned a lot in the past. Generally speaking, I'm not to the point where I think every word is a lie. However, it does take me a while before I believe all or most of what a person says to me. I make it a habit to look for certain patterns before I make a judgment call. This tends to save me from a lot of undue drama and even pain in some cases. While most people don't go out of their way to lie, they're not always 100% honest. Given my past experience and people who have hurt me in the past, I tend to take people's words with a grain of salt. This may not necessarily be a good thing, but it's just part of survival for me. I try not to be to the point where I won't accept help or advice from a person, but sometimes my defenses are too strong. Once in a while, someone comes along who unknowningly is able to break my defenses and eventually get me to feel comfortable and maybe even really start to like that person. At this point, I tend not to be as skeptical as I normally am. This can create a problem, because sometimes I accidently put my trust in the wrong person and end up paying the price. This pattern seems to be one I cannot break no matter how hard I try. It's like I have some kind of self-destruct mode that leads me into a den of lions. I end up feeling the pain of disappointment and humiliation. I even carry around bitterness. I cannot figure out why I keep falling into this pattern. It seems like there's nothing I can do to stop it. I hate having to doubt people's sincerity. I know it is not necessarily normal. Once someone's actions seemingly negate their own words, I have no choice but to question sincerity. Hopefully, I will eventually find someone worthy of my trust, but I doubt it will be any time soon.

#1: People who do the hot and cold thing. Okay, first of all, it seems pretty stupid. I am one who often let's people know what's on my mind. I prefer to know what's going on. My imagination can run wild. It makes it hard for me to sleep and just leads to confusion, frustration, and tension. Tell me how it is. Don't try to save face and avoid the issues. I am no some naive teenager. I'm an adult who just likes to know what's up. I hate mind games. #2: Just because I don't get along with a particular person for whatever reason does not mean that you should go and say cruel things about that person. Chances are that I do actually like that person deep down but just can only deal with that person on a limited basis. Making fun of that person for things that he or she cannot help will still piss me. #3: I really need a job. I am bored out of my effing mind, and I really need money like yesterday. I have been looking for work since I got here, and I really feel like I deserve a break.

We often dare to dream. Someone, or something, comes along that you want more than anything. The problem comes when you realize what is probably lost to you forever. It's the ultimate in not being inspired. It's problematic to say the least, but who knows what will happen? It just makes me wish I could crawl under a rock, but I can't do that. I'm much better than I was a few months ago, but now that I am more "normal", it actually makes things more difficult to deal with. It may be a while, but I'll eventually no longer care. The problem is that I must wrap myself up in something else completely.

Here's a thought. Life is just some f**ked up scheme to screw me over. Every time I think I'm getting ahead something happens just to knock me back down. For instance, I started my classes in August, thinking that it would all be fine, but now my finances are all f**ked up. It's just coming to a point where I'm about ready to give up on ever attaining my education, because I'm obviously not meant to have one, despite my above average intelligence and my dedication to making it happen. What did I ever do to deserve all the f**king setbacks? I just want to be free to make my mark upon the world, but it's like I have done something in this life or a past one that makes me unworthy or something. Why do I even bother waking up in the morning?