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Demetz

A conclusion reached

I've made a few philosophical decisions about how I'm going to live my life from now on, based on certain experiences, and grand disappointments that I've had.   First I'd like to say I won't be giving up on love itself, as I'd been pondering doing just yesterday. That's still just not the kind of life I want to live.   What I am doing though, as a matter of preserving my own personal dignity and self-respect, is throwing aside a certain path I was traveling too often. I will no longer be p
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Demetz in Demetz

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Demetz

Hiatus.

Addendum   I find myself falling more and more into an emotional wreck. When that happens, I'm going to go offline so as not to do/say things to push people away.
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Demetz in Demetz

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Demetz

Okay, so its been a while...

A general update on things....   Gavin and I are friends, and not more. His low sex drive and disinterest in the romantic did not make him a good match for me for a boyfriend... we're still friends though. I actually just got him a job working at the same theater I'm working at.   Oh yeah, I got a job working at a theater. The pay sucks, but I do like the job and the people I work with.   I'm looking at a job elsewhere, if I can go to work as a waiter in a restaurant around here, I think
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Demetz

Constitution v Law

In seeking to find out information concerning the legal status of an immigrant to the united states who marries someone of the same sex in Massachusetts, I came across this section of the US legal code which rather perplexed me....  
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Demetz in Demetz

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Demetz

Letting go of old loves

There is something that must be done before one can move on from a broken up relationship, and that is to let go. It has bothered me that now more than a month after Dwayne and I broke up, I still think about him everyday... still play through conversations in my head... I need to stop that, but to do so, I needed to understand why I was still doing it. What I came up with as an answer is that although the relationship was broken up, I was still holding on to something... it wasn't hope of getti
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Demetz in Demetz

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Demetz

Finishing College; Moving forward

Warning: This blog may contain graphic contact and/or TMI. Read at your own risk.   So this week is my last week of undergraduate school. Papers, exams..... blah. Just so glad to be done with it all.   Saturday I walk the stage, sometime in January I'll have my Bachelor's degree in hand....   From here, I don't know where I'm going to go. I'm still going to apply to the University of Pennsylvania, though I'd rather go to Princeton. I'm going to be applying to a bunch of grad schools actual
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Demetz in Demetz

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Demetz

Gavin.... :)

Today started off like many other days... I woke up, looked around, wondered whether I was already late for class, looked at the clock and saw that I was not, and then was faced with the decision of whether to go, or not to go. I went. I'm glad I did, actually. My microeconomics professor had our exams back... I got a 63 out 100 points. Normally this might be something to feel devastated by. However, as the average grade was in the low 30s, a 31 point curve boosed my grade to a 94... which means
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Demetz

Initial Results: I'm HIV- ; but I'm crying anyway

I'll get the rest of my test results back on Friday. I got the results for my HIV test back today: I'm non-reactive. Now, I'm really wishing I hadn't gone to see Dwayne in September because if I hadn't I wouldn't have had to do what I did next.   I left a tagline on my instant messenger relating that I was HIV -. He came online and asked me what the message meant. The rest of the conversation went like this:     His status is always set to appear offline so I don't know how much of that he
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Demetz

STD Testing; Sonogram results

So today I went in for a consultation, talked with a doctor about various things concerning safe sex, and talked about the various dieseases they could test for and whether I want each of the tests.   I decided to be tested for them all.   Dwayne if you're reading this, I'm not writing it to hurt you... I don't know what I can or can not believe about what happened between us. I have asked you to tell me... its your decision to do so or not. If you leave me to put the pieces together with pi
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Demetz

A revealing talk with Dwayne

So, tonight, against my better judgment, I went into what I've avoided doing for a long time. Of all the conversations in my head with Dwayne I knew I didn't want to actually say those things to him. Well, tonight against my better judgment I said some, and his reaction was precisely as I predicted it would be... he really doesn't know how to deal with someone emotionally troubled. Eventually though, after blathering on about my feelings and thoughts I said that I was conflicted, and he remarked
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Demetz

Abortion: part 2

I would like to clarify that when I posted the previous blog I was highly frustrated for having been chewed out just previously for having an opinion on the issue at all. I have various reasons to be indignant about the events transpiring in that situation, but they're ultimately irrelevant to the issue of abortion and merely relate to the irrationality of the person I was misfortunate enough to speak near.   In spite of that person's protest that as a man I don't have a right to an opinion o
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Demetz

Apparently I'm an evil sexist man for daring to have an opinion on abortion

I think abortion should be permissible in such cases as where the woman's life is endangered by the pregnancy or when raped. I'm also against elective abortion morally, but unwilling to make it illegal.   I hesitate on the issue of abortion for two reasons: 1) The child is conceived without his or her own consent and is innocent, punishing the child with death for a parent's mistake is cruel. 2) The morning after pill can prevent conception and thus make the question of elective abortion irre
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Demetz

New beginnings

These past two days have been incredible.   Two days ago, out looking for a new place to live and a job, I meet this woman who wants to pray for me, so I figure why not? It couldn't hurt. Later, while checking out a place for a job, I meet another guy who's looking for a new place, we talk for a few hours and we think we've got a decent business deal worked out to cut down on our costs to find a place to live. He's not gay... he does have a nice body but not all that cute in the face, and kind
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Demetz

Reflecting on a turbulent past

I wrote this poem some time ago, and I'm posting it again now, with some extra stanzas. It tells my story pretty well I think.   I was walking across a rope bridge Behind me, my life without you Before me, the day I move in with you Below me, no rivine, nor rushing stream Below me lay a vastly wide river Moving warm and slow To nowhere I'd rather go Than the other side.   You were standing on the other side When I saw you disappear, And a moment of confusion crossed my mind When yo
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Dom Luka

Hey

So, things are going. I've been making some changes over the last few months. Spending time with people I haven't seen in a while, getting to know new ones. Got a new dog. Rodent-looking little thing. Had one of those "how-much-is-that-doggy-in-the-window?" moments. Too much, but worth it.   Mostly I've been trying to get my s*** together. Like everyone else, I've got to take the time to do that sometimes. I know, not very specific. But I'm good. I hope everyone here is, too. I miss this place
DomLuka

DomLuka in Dom Luka

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Demetz

Doctors visit

Okay... so this lump of... whatever the hell it is... it seems to grow and recede and is most prominent when I'm aroused. Guess what I'm NOT when in an office with an 80 year old asian doctor I can barely understand? I could still find the lump, but it was so small the doctor couldn't... an no matter how much he rolled my balls around in his hand or played with my shaft, my arousal level was not budging and the lump was gonna hide indefinitely.   So... doctor couldn't find it to diagnose it a
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Demetz in Demetz

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Demetz

Cancer

When I was sixteen, my Grandfather died of cancer to the lungs, liver, and kidneys. On Friday I found out my mom has skin cancer and is undergoing treatment. That night, I realized I have a lump on my right testicle... non painful.   According to what I've been able to find out, there are five things which can cause a non-painful lump. 1) Varicocele - some kind of inflamation of the veins, which is supposed to feel like a bag of worms... which does not fit the description of what I have.  
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Demetz

Running away with me

So last night I did what I've wanted to do metaphorically in a literal way. I ran. And Ran. And kept right on running. It was pouring rain out. I went anyway. Lightning striking all over the place. Sun set well below the horizon. I kept running. Soaken wet, heart pounding, foot numbing I stopped and walked long enough to so I could feel my foot again and catch my breath, then I ran some more. And ran, and ran. I ran right past the road I was supposed to turn down and didn't realize it for a half
Demetz

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Demetz

Sometimes...

I am only your boyfriend some of the time. The rest of the time I am nothing. My voice has no words My mind is without content My heart has no value I exist, as only a broken shadow in your mind. For I am only your boyfriend some of the time.   I look back through my blogs here, public and private... I look back through e-mails, many I never sent... I look back over my life and for so... so long I have been unhappy - in a desperate struggle with my boyfriend to get him to show the love h
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Demetz in Demetz

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Demetz

Never making it to shore.

This poem is straight from the heart, very emotional, very metaphorical, and possibly tear jerking. You've been warned.   I was walking across a rope bridge Behind me, my life without you Before me, the day I move in with you Below me, no rivine, nor rushing stream Below me lay a vastly wide river Moving warm and slow To nowhere I'd rather go Than the other side.   You were standing on the other side When I saw you disappear, And a moment of confusion crossed my mind When you retur
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Demetz

Christian forgiveness

I found myself in a discussion with one of those adamantly believing Christians. Initially I merely expressed somewhat incoherently the failure of religion to support my mom. You see... every few years my mom starts going back to church because she feels she can not cope with life otherwise. For a while she'll feel great having been "forgiven" for her sins. Then she'll feel guilty for not imposing christian "values" upon myself and my brother and for not having consistently imposed them on herse
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Demetz in Demetz

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Demetz

Computer Games... my single greatest vice

I can't tell you how many countless times I have played a game on the computer instead of doing something far more important. Usually the something far more important has been studying. I'm strongly considering handing my computer to a roommate and asking him to hide it from me until the semester is over so I won't have the temptation anymore.   I'm taking in five weeks a number of classes that would normally be taken over the course of four months. I should be studying instead of playing game
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Demetz in Demetz

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