These past two days have been incredible.

Two days ago, out looking for a new place to live and a job, I meet this woman who wants to pray for me, so I figure why not? It couldn't hurt. Later, while checking out a place for a job, I meet another guy who's looking for a new place, we talk for a few hours and we think we've got a decent business deal worked out to cut down on our costs to find a place to live. He's not gay... he does have a nice body but not all that cute in the face, and kind of a jerk to his girlfriend, but if he can mind his own business and let me mind mine there's not much more that matters. That night, feeling pretty lonely I start looking through the craigslist personals... but I end up backing down from meeting for random one-night-stand sex. Just... too dangerous, and not me at all. I'm kind of proud of myself for not giving in to that.

Yesterday morning, I go back on craigslist looking for apartments/roomates that would be... shall we say, more trustworthy? I find this ad from two girls moving into a three bedroom apartment and looking for a third person. I send them some information about me and they're interested I think I've got a decent shot with this.

I also wander back into the personal ads, and go to the bradenton/sarasota section since I'm spending the holidays there with my parents. I'm not expecting much, but oh did I strike gold

I found a guy... his name is Gaven... who was looking to explore, but more interested in friendship than with benefits. Very cute guy, very talkative. I don't think he's especially attracted to me, and to be honest I don't feel some kind of deep connection to him... but we definitely hit it off as friends. We met up in a park, went for a walk, stopped by some of the most beautiful places in the area, and eventually made our way back to my parents house for some refreshments (water) before going to his house. He has a heated community pool, so we go there, swim around for a while, and the people who are there slowly leave. We finally have the place to ourselves and make our way over to the hot tub.

He was so beautiful... we smiled at each other, looking into each other's eyes, and moved closer... embracing, and finally, sharing our first kiss. There was some more kissing and touching, but he was not very comfortable there because there was someone in the exercise room, which overlooked the pool and hot tub. I'm very accomodating though... I know what its like in those early days of exploring sexuality, so much paranoia about what other people see and think. It may in fact never really go away... I'm still cautious about where and when I let that part of myself show. In truth, there's no way the person in the exercise room could have seen anything we were doing, or probably even recognized that it was two guys doing it... but I know its a mental barrier and I'm very sympathetic to how people (especially dates!) feel.

We decide to leave and go back to his parents' place... his mom insists I have dinner with them and I couldn't decline the offer. They don't know about their son's... inclinations, and as far as they know he and I are friends. That's okay, though... I can be discrete, and my mannerisms don't exactly scream "GAY!" ... though they might perhaps whisper "potential!" to anyone watching for it. They weren't. We had a delicious spaghetti dinner... his mom is either from Italy or first generation descendant and cooks an absolutely delicious spaghetti sauce... far better than any ragu I use. I thanked her for the meal and Gaven and I watched some comedy for a while before going back to the pool...

This time, we had it all to ourselves. We swam for a while, letting him tire himself out... he has a swimmer's build, from, you guessed it - Swimming. When he's ready to do more relaxing, we drew close together again, arms around each other and kissed again.

It just felt so... good... to have that body-to-body contact. We made our way back to the bath tub, where there was more kissing, some grinding, much touching... it was great . After a while, I slipped my hand down the back of his shorts, squeezed him....

>__>

<__<

You know, to keep this from getting to x-rated, suffice it to say we eventually both lost our shorts, and continued as before, kissing, grinding, rubbing, touching.... eventually, he found his way to positioning himself so his dick was between my legs, underneath my balls, and we began thrusting against eachother. I think I was able to stop him just before he came, but at that point where the body will react to stopping as though it did cum. No need to fill the public hot tub with cum. The way he clung to me at that time, the sound of his voice... it was... serene.

I asked him afterward just how far he wanted to go that night, he said he was just fine with things going as they had... it was getting late anyway, and I had to be home. It was shortly after that I learned I was pretty much his first sexual experience period. The most he had done before me, was to touch a girl through her panties... I think he enjoyed being with me a lot more

This whole episode does put me in somewhat a dillemma though. On the one hand, I'm looking to get a place and a job in Tampa working for the human rights campaign. On the other... Gaven is in Bradenton. I like Gaven, I enjoyed our time together... and I want to spend more time with him, go out on more dates... he's already invited me to go to a pool hall with him (to play pool) or to go bowling... and he says that he hopes I decide to come to Bradenton.

I... don't know what to do.

Something else to reflect on... in my last relationship, I was deeply, passioniately in love... this contributed a lot to the sexual experience... without that component, the experience seems somewhat lacking. I know... I know long term, I want someone to spend my life with, someone who will love me and wants my love in return... I don't think that person is Gaven... but, while this relationship with him may not be what I most want... I think, psychologically, it may be what I need.

Love is.... love is something I know I want... something I will need, in time, to be happy with my life. For now though... I think I need friendship more. Come to think of it... I've needed friendship for a very long time, and thats probably what was most lacking in my last relationship. Two people aren't friends when one refuses to have anything to do with the other for long periods of time... and they certainly aren't lovers.

I... don't know what to think of the relationship I had with Silven. Perhaps I put it best some time ago when I described it as like being in love with a ghost... I don't know what to make of him now. For a long time our relationship didn't consist of anything that could be called friendship, and the time where we were lovers was few and far, far, between... and even when together... either he would blissfully hold me or treat me like my very existence just annoyed him. A few days after he broke up with me, we talked, and I told him I wanted to be friends, and I described what I wanted as friends... it was then that I realized, I wasn't asking him for any more than I always had... and I was never going to get it. It was not much later, during his evasive but all-too-accurate answer, that the nature of our relationship as friends would just make itself known over time, that I realized he and I would never be friends at all... I wasn't worth it to him to keep friendship alive when we were supposed to be lovers... I sure as hell am not worth it to him now. He may, perhaps... from time to time, pass into and out of my life again. That is how he treats his friends... as people who he doesn't mind being around, but could be just as happy without. I can't believe I ever fooled myself into believing him when he said he would be there for me forever.

I... don't like to be a spiteful person... though he has given me much to spite... There is still love for him in my heart, shattered as it is. I still hope he can find some happiness, some peace in his life... Even now... I care for his wellbeing... and for the wellbeing of the son who I will never have.

Now... I have to decide on a new path... I like Gaven... maybe I can convince him to move to Tampa with me...