i vent my frustration through thought-and maybe i feel better

 

 

If I were to feel happy for someone, a friend, rather than annoyance and hate, would I feel better as a person? I can get over things like a champion, if it was an Olympic sport I'd get f**king gold, should I do that? Dust in the wind? But that is just heartless, then again, I have not much heart left.

 

Should I care? Caring is for the weak, peons, slaves, not for warriors and high generals. We let others care for us. Let me ride my chariot, you hear.

 

Maybe, just maybe I should care kindly for others. St. Peter would be pleased when I die, then. But isn't being too nice disgusting?

 

If you asked me to choose between a shield and a sword, I would pick the sword.

 

If you make a fool of me I will march on your pitiful fortress and level it. Thoroughly. But why? Is this my weakness, hubris? Am I to be blind like Oedipus? Why can I not be like Tiresias, see all through the eyes of Apollo, divine blindness.

 

It is almost like my last name, or close to it. I'd be stuck at the top of the Tower of Hubris, like Baium, a king who pleaded the angels for ever lasting life only to be made into a monster frozen in stone forever. Left to the dirty winds. Everlasting life, what gives.

 

If you show too much love, are you weak? Vulnerable? How come the nerdy boy with glasses is like puddy in my fingers, so easily charmed, I sink my teeth into him and inject inject inject. He is mine but why? Is it my power? What is this? What have I done?

 

Yet when another comes who matches my wit and strategy, it is a challenge, I become exhausted. I am a fool.

 

If I vomit emotion into something/someone, regardless if they know or not and I am let down....what an unfair defeat is this!? Why me? After all I have done...yet, is this the actual feeling that accompanies a heart break?

 

But where is this heart to break?

 

Like a sickness will it slowly go away? Perhaps the suddenness of it all took me by surprise. Ah, that could be it. I am immune to this...heart brokenness, at least I think I am. I break the hearts. Me. Not him or her or them. Me.

 

If I do my taxes my occupation: Heartbreaker. What an evil title, who would want that?

 

I am not insane, no. I can't be. I am to stupid to be insane. Insanity is brilliant no matter what the scenario.

 

When will it be my day again?

 

Sometimes months will be my months, everything is like an Irish summer morning; perfect.

 

Yet, other times the stars fail to align and I am left stranded on a foreign shore with no vessel.

 

Do I have problems?

 

Am I the problem?

 

Do you think of me the way I think of you?

 

How are love and friendship different? They are the same, friendship a more passive love.

 

Maybe if I tried, things would matter. I coast to much, I go through the motions.

 

What if I made the motions?

 

Some of the people I once knew, traveled far, I miss. Do they miss me?

 

Do I talk to much?

 

Why doesn't he talk? Did I say something wrong? He says he has nothing to say.

 

Bullshit.

 

Everyone has something to say.

 

Hatred is so foreign. You cannot say you "hate" something unless you understand what hate is. A rising feeling of such foreboding and doom, vengeance, bloody victory. Who hates? Hate is the child of the Devil and even He does not hate the Lord above, for that is his son.

 

If I adopt happiness, joy and omit the tragedy, waking up would be far less groggy.

 

I am not down on life, life is a fantastic invention. The process, the situations. A rollercoaster of happiness, sadness, triumph rolled into one. I just want to lead it better, to not think such ill will to someone who I should be indifferent to.

 

Is it true? "Treat others as you wish to be treated?"

 

Maybe we should leave the judging to the judges. We aren't qualified.

 

When my grandfather died he told my father, "the best is yet to come", at this death bed. It was the epithet left on his tomb stone. Is this true?

 

Is it OKAY to look forward, to be optimistic?

 

If you search a lifetime for someone to love, to sleep next to, will you find them? Life, The Great Hunt.

 

Why is jealousy such a terrible thing, making you think impossibilities, harbor rude feelings for no good reason. I pray at night sometimes in hopes that the Lord will relinquish me of the silly, childish thoughts I have.

 

Do you dream as I do?

 

Do you long for the Greater Good, as I do?

 

Why must I be just a ribbon on a branch?

but A king is nothing without his court, he is simply nothing.

 

a false king with a crown of blue ice, always avoiding the sun