9 minutes ago, LitLover said:

 

You may have misunderstood me. The choice I'm referring to is not the choice to be a submissive (I believe that submissiveness is an inherent trait).  I was referring to was the choice in who to give up that control too. 

Well, it's like choosing your life partner, you don't just pick anyone do you? There has to be a connection just like any relationship. Whether you are married and in a vanilla relationship, and seek to submit outside of that relationship to a Dom or Domme, you still need a connection. 

That said, and going back to your previous point about vetting. While I didn't ask him how he felt about John, i could tell there was something there after we all spent time together. Had I not seen that, no matter how much I trust John, I could not ask tim to just serve the man. There has to be a connection. It has to be right. 

11 hours ago, MichaelS36 said:

I don't use physical restraints, so I really have no opinion to offer. I would say if you prefer metal, you should use it. 

I would advise against going leather or metal initially.

The Basic restraints that come with several BDSM kits are velcro based, probably the most flimsy and will wear out within a year of use, but it will help you or your sub adjust to the feel.

Give it a try on both sides, restraints are an interesting feeling and they give more power to the dom with the subs reduction in motion. However in the nd, it goes back to what a lot of others have said, it's a sign of trust and love that you would put your freedom in the hands of another person.

I love restraints. The feel of them simply puts me at ease. I prefer leather ones, because of the feel and smell. We have some lovely metal shackles, but they sometimes cut off circulation too fast. Velcro feels a bit too flimsy for me, but they can be a good place to start. 

Last time I let someone tie me down to the bed, it didn't end well. I don't do it at all now. Not even if my partner wants it done on them, it's a flat no.

Because of some health issues, we don't use restraints anymore.    I'm hoping that soon, we can use them again. 

In the past, we used silk neckties.  Phil's previous jobs had required "coat and tie" so he has a great collection.

I miss the feeling of them, of that utter surrender, the total control that he has,  but know that using them now could do more harm than good.  On the other hand, knowing that I'm not restrained, and MUST therefore keep my hands where they are supposed to be ON MY OWN has been an incredible challenge.  One I am sad to say, is not at all easy. 

I will only allow restraints with someone I love and trust implicitly. I do not like metal... Too uncomfortable. 
 I also only like restraints when I don't feel I can submit fully. 

4 hours ago, LitLover said:

Huh. Well that surprises me. Not in a judging way, but more in a "I never would have suspected you to be a sharer" kind of way.  I think that has more to do with my impression of the roles of Doms and subs in a committed D/s relationship.  I would have thought the dynamic would lend itself more to one Dom with two subs rather than the other way around.  

 

It's my impression (and granted this comes from talking to other people rather than personal experience) is that a Dom's job is to protect and cherish their sub and the gift of their trust and submission.   The very nature of that submission seems to be giving up control over decisions and trusting their Dom with their safety.    Does the nature of that dynamic mean not trusting another with the care of a sub, at least not without some heavy vetting (or presence) by the Dom to ensure their subs' safety?  

 

Please don't mistake me.  It's not that I think subs don't have the ability or intelligence to make their own choices (the two I know personally are highly intelligent people), but rather they've willingly given up that right.   Maybe I'm wrong?  Or maybe I need more sleep? 

Did you think about, what a dominant person feels, if a sub crashes down caused by a limit the dominant person didn`t knew about? It is trust in both ways. The dominant person gives his/her needs in the hand of the submissive and the other way around. Even if it dosen`t look like this.

Since we more play than live it, restraints are a sort of spice. And I would never (if I turned single or poly) let someone I don't know restrain me. That would set off all those control issues something fierce. Not a good place for a good experience. 

4 hours ago, MichaelS36 said:

Does it surprise? Hmm. We are committed, very much so. But I would share tim with another, if it felt right.

 

In fact I will be and have started that process. what tim wants, requires another because it is out of my range of experience. And it needs someone who knows exactly what they are doing because it could hurt him both physically and mentally. tim knows the requirements which will be submission to John the other Dom, in all ways, and myself. That said, I will always be with tim. 

 

I've known John for thirteen or so years. He knows what he's doing having been doing it for 25 years. So I trust him. I wouldn't just hand tim over to someone I don't know. But again, I will always be there. 

 

I've spoken about this in our PM group. I have not taken tim's right to make choices. tim is what he is and he has given me control, because it is right for him. It's got nothing to do with intelligence but more nature. tim is bright, intelligent, funny, and talented. he has love for live and is a great writer, and cook and partner. 

 

he needs someone to take care of the rest, of him. That's my job.   I have wanted to bring in other partners, but tim resisted. Forcing him, yes i could but that would ruin our dynamic.

 

what we are venturing into, tim asked for. he discovered something he wants to try, he understand this means submission to and serving another, so it suits us both. I get to see tim with another Dom and he gets to stretch himself and become more, which pleases me, which is really what submissives want. 

 

let me know if you have questions

 

M

Hi Mike, I just wanted to tell you, how much I love this post.

4 minutes ago, Lyssa said:

Did you think about, what a dominant person feels, if a sub crashes down caused by a limit the dominant person didn`t knew about? It is trust in both ways. The dominant person gives his/her needs in the hand of the submissive and the other way around. Even if it dosen`t look like this.

I think we are a society of control freaks these days. To give up control is such a big thing, all focus ends up there. So the sub is in the spotlight. In reality, the D has just as much to learn and explore. But since control is the thing, we overlook it and emphasize the 'gift' of submission.  

Speaking to just a sexual situation. Not the relationship. 
 I as the submissive have control by setting limitations. 
My Dom has the control by getting me to what I need... To a point where I am about to break. When I get to that point, a Dom will give me some control back.

 There's way more to this answer, but concise to the control ?

1 hour ago, W_L said:

 

I would advise against going leather or metal initially.

 

The Basic restraints that come with several BDSM kits are velcro based, probably the most flimsy and will wear out within a year of use, but it will help you or your sub adjust to the feel.

 

Give it a try on both sides, restraints are an interesting feeling and they give more power to the dom with the subs reduction in motion. However in the nd, it goes back to what a lot of others have said, it's a sign of trust and love that you would put your freedom in the hands of another person.

 

 

I'm sure others will appreciate your input and suggestions. However, I should have been clearer. I am not interested in bondage therefore I do not have a use for physical restraints. If I put my sub in a position, he remains there because he was told to. He is aware of the consequences should he move. 

14 minutes ago, Lyssa said:

Hi Mike, I just wanted to tell you, how much I love this post.

Thank you Lyssa!!!

32 minutes ago, BHopper2 said:

Last time I let someone tie me down to the bed, it didn't end well. I don't do it at all now. Not even if my partner wants it done on them, it's a flat no.

You should do what is right for you. I do not require physical restraints, my sub is still wherever I put him. It maybe something you'd like to try. 

3 minutes ago, MichaelS36 said:

I'm sure others will appreciate your input and suggestions. However, I should have been clearer. I am not interested in bondage therefore I do not have a use for physical restraints. If I put my sub in a position, he remains there because he was told to. He is aware of the consequences should he move. 

As a lazy sub, I find they help....

6 minutes ago, Puppilull said:

 

As a lazy sub, I find they help....

 

Again, up to you and your Dom. 

5 minutes ago, Puppilull said:

 

As a lazy sub, I find they help....

 

LOL for me meddling with a rope is like sewing in bigger extend. I don`t do neither the one nor the other. I like steel. I have some custom made cuffs. B is an artist with the rope. He creates beautiful pictures. But it is all for the art, I can cope easily, since I am a studied Historian of art. We have a collection of hemp ropes.

27 minutes ago, MichaelS36 said:

I'm sure others will appreciate your input and suggestions. However, I should have been clearer. I am not interested in bondage therefore I do not have a use for physical restraints. If I put my sub in a position, he remains there because he was told to. He is aware of the consequences should he move. 

No problem, though it is fun, restraints are not for everyone and there are different types to suit needs even among those who use it.

On a related question, how do you maintain your conditioning and control?

I tend toward edging and control through stimulation and denial, because it seemed to be the easier approach without implications of physical abuse. Pain only goes so far, desire goes further. BDSM might seem amalgam to Sado-masochism, but they are two different concepts.

49 minutes ago, mollyhousemouse said:

Because of some health issues, we don't use restraints anymore.    I'm hoping that soon, we can use them again. 

In the past, we used silk neckties.  Phil's previous jobs had required "coat and tie" so he has a great collection.

I miss the feeling of them, of that utter surrender, the total control that he has,  but know that using them now could do more harm than good.  On the other hand, knowing that I'm not restrained, and MUST therefore keep my hands where they are supposed to be ON MY OWN has been an incredible challenge.  One I am sad to say, is not at all easy. 

I hope you get what you desire molly. I am here to comment on your final sentence and the reason i do not use restraints with tim. I don't because it is a huge challenge and something he has to work hard for. 

7 minutes ago, Lyssa said:

LOL for me meddling with a rope is like sewing in bigger extend. I don`t do neither the one nor the other. I like steel. I have some custom made cuffs. B is an artist with the rope. He creates beautiful pictures. But it is all for the art, I can cope easily, since I am a studied Historian of art. We have a collection of hemp ropes.

Don't get me started on rope... Hubby likes them, but they do little for me. I don't mind pleasing him in submitting to getting tied up, though. 

I don't know why I don't care for them.  Maybe they are too elaborate. I'm a simple person (stop laughing, all of you!) and I prefer simple things for play. 

Just now, Puppilull said:

 

Don't get me started on rope... Hubby likes them, but they do little for me. I don't mind pleasing him in submitting to getting tied up, though. 

 

I don't know why I don't care for them.  Maybe they are too elaborate. I'm a simple person (stop laughing, all of you!) and I prefer simple things for play. 

I totally agree with you! Not simple - effective. 

Just now, W_L said:

 

No problem, though it is fun, restraints are not for everyone and there are different types to suit needs even among those who use it.

 

On a related question, how do you maintain your conditioning and control?

 

I tend toward edging and control through stimulation and denial, because it seemed to be the the easier approach without implications of physical abuse. Pain only goes so far, desire goes further.

First, I do not abuse. No decent Dom abuses. Abuse is not love and I love my sub.

I control tim by telling him what I want. It's quite simple.

He obeys because it is what I want and its his nature to please. Again quite simple.  

I do use denial of pleasure.

M

7 minutes ago, Puppilull said:

 

Don't get me started on rope... Hubby likes them, but they do little for me. I don't mind pleasing him in submitting to getting tied up, though. 

 

I don't know why I don't care for them.  Maybe they are too elaborate. I'm a simple person (stop laughing, all of you!) and I prefer simple things for play. 

Smiling.

1 minute ago, MichaelS36 said:

Smiling.

Well, that's on the plus side today then!

Just now, Puppilull said:

 

Well, that's on the plus side today then!

Contrary to popular belief, I smile often. However I do not suffer fools. But your post is smile worthy.