Jump to content
  • entries
    34
  • comments
    86
  • views
    710

Tha mi sgith

Sign in to follow this  
Fae Briona

120 views

Had my second counseling session yesterday. Honestly not sure how effective they are. Things are, ever so very slowly, getting better. Getting easier to think of the good times and the memories without hyperventilating or collapsing into a pile of tears. Doesn't look that professional when it happens at work.  :(

 

Biggest hurdles for me are still the guilt of not having told him that I loved him -- even though I know he knew I did, and I know he felt the same way about me; and letting go of the idealized version of our next date, which would have been so very soon, when we had so many firsts planned.  The feeling of having waited too long for those things -- even though I know that if I had pushed him too fast he would have bolted and ran. He was so afraid of being hurt again. A special place in hells for someone who hurts someone else that badly.

 

Still odd random things that will trigger a wave of pain and grief.

 

I love you my baby - you will always be your daddy's boy. 💗

  • Like 1
  • Love 1
Sign in to follow this  


1 Comment


Recommended Comments

There is so much love in your blogs ... if there is any way for C to know ... then he does.  Don't torture yourself, though i know it's hard.  He wasn't ready to hear it, but as you know, he knew you did. Let that bring you peace. xoxo

Share this comment


Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
  • Similar Content

    • By Former Member
      Hello guys and girls,
       
      I am currently developing a story and I’d like to get feedback from you. It is a three-part story; each part tells the story of one character in this unreciprocated love triangle. Here it is VERY summarized, so please forgive me if there are plot holes – let me know!
       
      (if this is NOT the right place for this, please forgive me and let me know)

      John was a 36 years old lawyer, married to Robert, who was 25 years-old aspiring actor and brother to Daniel, a 30 years old executive assistant. John and Robert had been married for five years and Daniel had just divorced his wife after four years. After that, their lives took a very unexpected turn that culminated in a terrible event.

      John was always devoted to Robert, from the moment they met. He made sure Robert was provided with everything, material and emotional, and Robert received it with kindness. John was the first-born in his family and his parents loved him to the point of giving him a senior partnership at their law firm. After his brother Daniel's divorce was finalized, John realized his husband was overly distracted and aloof. When confronted, Robert was defensive and aggressive, which was never part of his behavior. That drove John insane, because, for the first time, John felt he was losing control of a situation. Then, Robert began to tell John that he had to work late hours, almost every day and whenever Jonh questioned him, he would defer the explanation. John followed him after his rehearsals, consulted with his friends and little by little was getting close to a conclusion he feared: he was being cheated on. John knew that confronting him about it would only be effective when he had proof, so he waited for the right moment, but was surprised when Robert was the first one to start such confrontation. He knew all was lost then, but he also knew that he needed to let Robert know who he was, and put him in his place...

      Robert was a beautiful, athletic young man, with a golden heart. Although he had a tumultuous past - he was abandoned by his mother when he was 11, lived in foster homes and became a street hustler - he had hope to find a way to live a better life. His life as a hustler became unbearable when it started to involve trafficking, gang wars, and life threats... When he met Daniel at that gay club one night, he felt he saw the face of God. But because of the fact that Daniel was straight, he had other plans and introduced his brother to Robert. Even so, Robert was seduced by all the possibilities of a better life that John could give him and took the opportunity, falling in love with him, moving into his house and getting married just 7 months later. Also, at the same time, Daniel and Sarah - a long time friend of John's - got married, and Robert placed that initial feeling for his brother-in-law, down, somewhere in his heart. After he heard Daniel got divorced he began to give him support, seeing no one else was, because Daniel was very fragile and had clinical depression. To be able to give such support, he had to lie to his husband about where he was after work because of two major factors: he knew John and Daniel's relationship was tumultuous and unconsciously, a different feeling for Daniel was blossoming and he knew he had to hide it from his husband. Robert found himself trapped between his marriage and the confusing feelings for his straight brother-in-law, thus he knew he had to put an end to it and also clarify some dark aspects of his marriage...

      Daniel was just 6 years old when his brother, five years older, came out to his parents. What he found different was that his parents actually celebrated their first-born being gay. He always felt that his parents never really liked him and the preference for his brother was obvious in every possible way. Daniel's personality was the extreme opposite of his brother: he was introverted, quiet, in the shadows and complacent. As they became older, Daniel realized that John was taking more and more control of his life, telling him what to do, who to talk to, what girls to date... During college, John introduced Daniel to a girl and demanded her to take his virginity. Everything about Daniel was conducted by his brother and his parents never interfered. It was no different when John left his parents home and brought Daniel with him to live at a mansion together. Until the day came when John took him everywhere, including to a gay club. He had a habit of leaving Daniel alone after some hours, without giving him notice. In one of those nights, Daniel met Robert. Because John had found a companion, Daniel saw that John would never stick with him for long and soon enough, John introduced a friend of his to Daniel: Sarah. She was a beautiful girl, very opinionated, strong and reminded him a lot of John. Even so, Daniel fell in love with her and they got married. Daniel devoted his life to his wife, afterall, it was the first time someone was loving him. But all started derailing when he slipped and cheated on his wife. Daniel told Sarah about it and she was ruthless. They did not separate, but she made sure to humiliate him and cheat on him with many men. After one and a half year of hell and his depression getting worse, his wife asked for a divorce. Filled with guilt and regret, he let her take every material thing they had, and he was left with nothing and no one's help or mercy. When his divorce finalized, it was like a tombstone was laid on his grave and it was the deepest gloom he had ever been in. The only person that came to his rescue and tried to help him was his brother-in-law, Robert. But despite the therapy, the medicines and Robert's attempts, John's plots, his parents denial and his ex-wife humiliation only made it worse. Daniel knew it would be hard to recover from it, but after receiving a call from his brother, he felt life was impossible to cope with.
       
      One night, in his worse moment, Daniel told Robert he had to be true to his feelings. Robert immediately left him to have a conversation with John. When they got to talk, Robert questioned John about his relationship with his brother, his lust for power and control and if he had anything to do with Daniel's cheat. John revealed his intentions and what he had done in the past but made sure to tell Robert it was out of love. When Robert told John he was in love with his brother, John laughed on the outside, but on the inside, he could not believe that his own husband was leaving him for an impossible relationship, so he reminded Robert of the life he gave him and that he knew about his past. Nevertheless, Robert decided to stick with his feelings and left John and everything behind, to go back to Daniel and finally tell him about his love. But John called Daniel and humiliated him in such way, that it would be too late when Robert got there...
    • By Hunter Thomson
      I see that this wonderful story hasn't received a thread yet. Let the discussion begin.
       
      We keep talking about the fact that Declan is eventually going to figure out what Bailey's been doing, but its interesting to note that he's had a few opportunities to ask about it now, and he's chosen not to. I think that Declan already knows what's going on, and he doesn't want to make it more real by talking about it. It's not in his normal character, but I think we've seen that when Bailey's involved that Declan doesn't act in ways he normally acts.
    • By BrunoBR
      I’ve always been undergoing psychotherapy since I was 11 or 12, now I’m 26, due to depression, anxiety, among other things. I’ve had lots of psychotherapists, most were women, two therapists were man, one of them is my current therapist. He’s my therapist for about 5 months give or take. I don’t know why but I feel more comfortable having a male therapist. My first and last male therapist was really good and handsome, he was way older than me and married, also I was in a steady relationship at that time, so I didn’t feel anything special other for him on the personal side, though I had to stop my sessions due to some financial problems back then. However, my current therapist… I don’t know how to convey what I feel for him, so I’m just going to say that I’m really, really into him. My current therapist is very nice, thoughtful, kind, helpful and has always been there for me during my worst moments, a really good professional. Since the beginning of our sessions I started to feel something for him and this feeling has been growing bigger and bigger, I don’t think it’s love, maybe it is, but I really feel like I’d want to be with him all day long. Sometimes I believe I don’t want to date him or have a relationship, but I’d just like to make out with him. I know that it’s not possible because he’s my therapist and I don’t even know whether he’s gay and I think he’s not. One day, during a session, I was feeling that I wanted to hold him and kiss him so badly that I had to tell him and I did it right away, that day, like three months ago, I told him that I was into him and I kept thinking about it all the time. He was very kind and said it was natural due to our bond that was built during the sessions, but things couldn’t go beyond the professional relationship, like therapist and patient. Well, I didn’t get over it. Today I had another session and I can’t stop thinking of him. I’ve already hung out with other men, but my therapist is still inside my mind and it’s consuming me to the point of hindering my attention during the sessions. I don’t know what to do. I’m thinking about talking to him about it again, but I believe it won’t be a solution. I’ve already told some friends about this situation, but I got the same advice. But, again, I just can’t stop this feeling. I also think about giving up on him and look for another therapist, but he’s a good professional and I really like his work, also it’s really difficult to find good therapists, I know, I’ve had many. I’m really confused, kind of distraught right now. I don’t want to give up on a great professional, but I can’t get over these feelings.
      Have you ever gone through this kind of situation or something similar? What did you do? If you haven’t, what would you do?
      Thank you, guys.
      PS: I’m not a native English speaker, so please go easy on my mistakes, but feel free to kindly correct me if you like, I’d be happy to improve.
    • By Billy Martin
      It's been five days since her passing and I have yet to have a heavy cry. I know it's in me, but for some reason I'm holding it back. Everywhere I look I see something that remains me of her. Some memory of the past. I keep expecting to hear her voice or see her walking down the hall. But all there is is silence. The house seems so empty now, even when dad is here. Friends stop by, but there's little comfort in their visits. I miss my mom and best friend.
    • By Freddyness
      I dunno but i’m just going to write down everything that is running through my head right now. but I honestly do not understand any of this.
       
      It started with small argument between my parents in the past year or so, slowly building up getting more and more severe over small things neither would listen to the other because the other wouldn’t listen to them. Things got worse but they concealed it from me and my little sister who is still ignorant. Slowly my dad got more and more possessive and controlling, while my mother slowly ceased to really care. They got agitated over more and more trifling subjects.
      It took a while but things started to look up when it seemed like my sister had a shot at getting on the junior british squad for her sport. The pair of them went to the pub, it seemed like a normal evening of mid november, but when they came back they came back separately. My mum went to go back to bed and my dad smashed open the back door and started screaming at my mum, and my mother screamed back complaining that he had kicked her in the shin. (Her lower legs were swollen at the time due to “underlying” health issues according to the doctor. So i went down to mediate the situation and remind them that my sister was asleep. I left once the situation looked under control.
      A short while later the shouting started again, this time more serious than before. I didn’t intervene as my mother left the house. I found out later that evening my father had threatened to kill my mother. But before this i thought everything would calm down. But i could hear smashing and crashing so i thought perhaps he’d hurt himself. So i went to see what was happening to find my dad smashing everything up, from the kitchen to the front lounge. Only to end up haveing bit of the kitchen unit lobbed at me. So i swiftly left to my room. I sorted out my room with enough space for my little sister, I got her from her room and put her near me. Cause ever fiber of my mind had judged my dad as a threat to myself and my sister. I thought maybe he’ll calm down and go to sleep. Not too long later he stormed in screaming “I’ll kill her, if she’s not back in 10 minutes. I’ll kill her. Tell her that.” It took him awhile to realised he’d scared the shit out of my sister.
      As soon as it was quiet enough to leave, i took my sister and we left the house. I didn’t care that it was 4 am. All I knew is my dad wasn’t sane, sober or thinking straight and a danger to myself and my sisters well being. I walked down the road with my sister and across to the local shops planning to go to my friends. Yeah i was just going to waltz into my best friends house and sleep on the sofa with my sister. but my mums friend phoned me telling me she’d phoned the police and they were coming to drop us off at hers, which is where my mum had fled too. We waited for the police, until they came. My little sister rather panicked, over what had happened was occurring.
      My mum decided we were going to go stay with her parents for a while so we spent almost two months there. No college for me, no school for my sister. My mother she was and emotional wreck and still is. Well both me and my sister decided we’d see him on weekends eventually. But currently they’re both bitching about the other. neither has realised that they issues upstairs arn’t going to be solved like that. You know for a while I was the sane mind, in the family. Ha yeah me Who trusts almost no one. And certainly relies on no one. But in the end I became emotionless as i was over my nans death. Yeah i liked her. But for some reason I had still have no feeling on the event and what occurred.
      But you know its not just that, my mother is trying to be someone she’s not and is now seriously suffering from depression and barely getting anything done. My father he’s spinning a web of words into my little sister ear, he can try all he likes to spin his web with me but i know the trick as i taught it to myself to knock the bullies down in school. So now my father probably doesn’t realise he’s polluting my sisters mind and she is saying thoughtless things around my mother that is sinking her deeper into depression.

      What are my feeling on this, I think about what each of them has done to wrong me. Then tally them up. But for some reason on this whole matter i have no emotions, all I want to do is LEAVE. but i know i can’t leave my sister to sit there and be broken by both of my parents shattered emotions, words & deceit.
      But when it comes down to it both my parents have made me feel like i’m worthless, and never going to amount to anything. It is one thing to be told these words by your peers but when your own parents say the words, it becomes a part of you. That you never escape. And to be honest, ever since my father backed up the word of my peers. I’ve felt like even if i try i’m going to fail. So why bother smiling and trying and continueing if you're only going to fail and never amount to anything.
      I’ll tell you something if it wasn’t for my best friend who fell in to anxiety issues and depression. I wouldn’t be here. Cause everyday I wake up thinking how stupid I am how fat, worthless and how i’m never going to make it through life, every single Stupid, Dumb or things i’ve done wrong throughout my life flashes through my mind. And everytime I try to sleep the same things flash through my mind till i have to cry myself to sleep. But that one thing that keeps me going everyday, is that I care for my friends before I care for myself. So I try to forget, everything that makes me upset, feel worthless all for the sake of my friend I smile and pretend i’m okay. I have this issue that I can’t cry when people are around, because after all I can’t trust or rely on anyone but myself. So I try my best never to look like these are the thoughts running through my head. So in the end I just become numb, neutral. It looks like i don’t care but I care, I do. They think no matter what we say you’ll be fine, it won’t affect you. they’re words and actions sting more than anything else. In the end the person I can’t forgive the most is myself.
       
      So today I wrote this to tell you all, because you can’t alway not explain sometimes you need to explain it to another to explain it to yourself. When I was younger i wanted to kill myself. Today I just want to leave and start anew, somewhere away from where I grew up and different from how i’ve lived till now.

      If you read this thanks, just for reading it. Just knowing that someone had read about my situation from myself I hope it lift my burden slightly. Cause I know that just writing this has lifted it a lot.
×
×
  • Create New...

Important Information

Our Privacy Policy can be found here. We have placed cookies on your device to help make this website better. You can adjust your cookie settings, otherwise we'll assume you're okay to continue..