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Coming-out—do we (still) need it and why it means more than to be true to yourself


Zuri

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The question, of why one should come out in the first place, is probably as old as the coming out as such itself. Similarly, the question of why LGBT* people still need their pride parades and other events. Sure, one could argue, that there are still here and their attacks on queer people in the US or people are killed because of their sexual orientation in other countries of the world. But my answer focuses more on the individual that makes the very decision:

Sure, one could argue that coming out is not a necessity since straight people don't have to come out either, but that's comparing apples to oranges. There's an organization called "SpeakOUT", where volunteer speakers hold speeches about LGBT* topics at schools. They have an exercise where each student thinks about three traits that constitute them. Then, they start discussions in groups while avoiding mentioning these three traits. This exercise should emphasize how hard it is, to hide an important part of oneself. And this was one of the reasons for me to come out: I accepted my orientation once I was certain about being gay and even though, I hadn't encountered homophobia personally, I experienced heteronormativity in my everyday life. For instance, if I was asked if I had a girlfriend yet, there were a few possible ways to react:

Denying it since having a female partner was simply ineligible

Denying but translating "girlfriend" to "boyfriend" in my head since I was single anyway

Coming out by correcting "girlfriend" to "boyfriend" verbally

The problem with this is, that I were forced to react to this in one way or the other. If I didn't come out, I would hide a part of myself; if I did, someone else determined when I had to come out. That's why I decided to flight forward: I came out on my eighteenth birthday.

— From: Ex gay husband, chapter 2

As privileged people, we often overlook it, but with small comments, we hurt marginalized fellow human beings in our everyday life. Social psychologists call that “microaggression”. There once was an interesting discussion on Twitter where somebody complained, that gays always have to rub their sexuality under everybody’s nose because his co-worker placed a picture of his boyfriend on his own desk. Straight people do that, too—with one difference, and that difference is attributable to society. Because of heteronormativity, we don’t question these pictures of straight co-workers. In the case of gay co-workers, two statements could be made in the heads of the beholders:

  1. "Oh! xyz is gay!"

  2. "Probably, he has sex with that other gay in the picture—possibly anal sex!"

Meaning, the problem is not the picture but the triggers that are deeply rooted in our heads. These triggers can be reduced by more diversity.

 

Edited by Zuri
typo

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The more people mix with others who are different from themselves, generally the more accepting they become. It's a lot harder to stereotype when you know a person as a friend.

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A lot of society's attitudes are so ingrained that some find it impossible to let go of those so called 'norms'. Possibly one of the first places to combat these antiquated attitudes is change part of the way we bring up our children. I and my siblings were brought up with the attitude and belief that to be my friend only one qualification is necessary, that is to be a decent person, nothing else matters. My parents were more accepting of differences and admittedly that is probably due to the fact that my father was gay and felt forced into marriage by the 'norms' of society in general. When he 'came out' later in life and separated from my mother they remained good friends which I believe had a good impact on my siblings and I. My point is that yes society needs to be more accepting but it can and should start within families and the way children are brought up. That's my opinion, some may agree others may not, but until society is more accepting there will always be the attitude that none heterosexual people should come 'come out' which I believe is completely wrong.

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@Mancunian Nice to hear! You seem to have great parents! :) Yeah, I think, that's a good attitude. Wish, more parents would raise their children in that spirit.

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@Zuri I can honestly say that in the opinion of my brother sisters and myself we had the best parents anyone could wish for, we all still miss them and always will but we still benefit from the way we were brought up. They gave me the courage to accept myself and admit that I am bisexual and accepted it in the the same way that they accepted my hair or eye colour, it was just a non event. I put that down to the fact that it was the way my father was brought up. I don't remember his mother, my grandmother, but I do have some memories of his father, my grandfather, again he was a wonderful man. I had positive role models as I grew up and I think that that is what is missing for so many people, they lack those positive role models and relationships. My best friend and hero was my father, his best friend and hero was his father, unfortunately I have no children to pass that legacy on to but I hope that along with my siblings we can pass that on to my nephews and nieces, if we could all do that this world would be a much better place. 

Sorry I'll now step down from my soap-box. 

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@MancunianWhat a pity, you stepped down from that very box. Thanks for sharing that :) Sounds like a truly remarkable man 👍 You don't necessarily need children to be a role model for. You can educate others, for instance, by sharing your experiences, showing others, you have, and an open ear and a shoulder to lean on as well as stepping up when something is wrong (queer phobia or the like).

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