I’m sure everyone has heard that expression, life is what you make it. Or you only get out what you put in. Relationships are just like that, if you don’t put anything into a relationship, you won’t get anything in return. 

A little while ago, I received an email about Awesome Dude forums finally coming back online after a few months of being unavailable due to reasons I won’t go into here. 

And though the AD forums have been more than a bit silent for the last few years, I’ve always considered Awesome Dude as my online home. Which is weird because for almost twenty years, I only had one story posted there. I had more than that at GA, three stories for the same amount of time. 

But that got my tiny brain pondering why that is. I joined GA in March of ‘06. It wasn’t for another five months before I discovered AD in August ‘06. Why did I gravitate towards one and not the other?

Because I only got out of it what I put into it.

I first discovered Nifty around ‘99 or so, maybe a bit earlier but I really can’t remember that far back. All I know is I found a place where I could read gay stories written by people who felt like I did. A place I could read without wearing pants. It was an eye opener to say the least.

And when I realized that Nifty would actually take any story featuring gay people whether it was good or bad, and then readers would take the time to email you regarding your story, I was over the moons. (naked butt joke) 

I know exactly what the purpose of Nifty is, it’s a bunch of “O” faces and damp tissues. It’s gotten a tiny bit better over the years but it’s mainly a site for people who like to jerk off to the written word as opposed to porn videos. 

I know no one knows this, but back then I considered myself a serious writer. Someone who was on the way to writing the next great American novel. I didn’t write stories so people could only make the “O” face. Not me, erotica was a form that was beneath me. 

That is why I decided that I would write fanfiction. And not just any fanfiction, but Boy Band fanfiction. Because as we all know, the next great American novel was going to come from writing about the band Nsync. 

Who knew that ten years later or so, Snowqueen IceDragon would write a global phenomenon from a fanfic of Twilight, movie franchise to boot. If only Twilight had been out when I actually thought I was a great writer who knows what I could have accomplished. 

At this time, I hadn’t told anyone that I wrote stories, much less stories with gay characters. Nor did I even like Nsync, their music, or was attracted to any of the members. A fact that holds true today.

If I was my younger delusional self who decided to write about boy bands today, it would be K-Pop fanfic. Asian’s are fire! I married a South Asian, most of my hook-ups have been of some kind of Asian descent. The only two races I’ve hooked up with the least, have been White or Latino guys.

That’s still a huge number because I was a slut in my day, I just hooked up with more Asians than any other race. 

I chose to write fanfiction because at the time, Nifty had an entire section dedicated to Boy Bands, and they had a yearly awards competition called Boy Bands Awards. (Since I wrote that sentence I went and checked, the boy band awards were a semi-annual event at times as well)

So in my youthful arrogance, I decided that I was going to show all of Nifty how much everyone else sucked and how awesome I was. So I wrote the first one, a little six chapter story set in the Virgin Islands where our plucky hero meets Justin Timberlake and love ensues in a very G-rated way. 

I might have stooped so low to write fanfiction, but I refused to have any sex in it. I implied sex, but wouldn’t go all out describing it. Because I wasn’t a hack writer. And no one jerks off to my amazing stories. If they cum from my stories, it’s because of my amazing dialogue and intricate plots that brought them to the edge of orgasm.

Believe it or not, I received hundreds of emails over those first six chapters. I had done it, I had shown everyone how amazing I was. Then the awards came around, I wasn’t even nominated. 

That was because I had just started, no one knew me yet and I told myself that all awards are nothing but a popularity contest. The best story didn’t win, the authors who were the most popular won. So I doubled down and wrote five more, all featuring Nsync in some ways. 

If I didn’t like Nsync, why did I write about them? I really did not like BackStreet Boys and couldn’t force myself into thinking any of them as sexy or talented. Nor have I ever made the “O” face when reading about them. Gross. 

Back then, there weren't a bunch of options, really. I couldn’t write about Hanson, they were kids back then and I’m not attracted to kids. There was Westlife, 98 Degrees, maybe a few more. But in my research of the previous Boy Band awards recipients, it was either Nysnc or Backstreet Boys. Yes, I've been making spreadsheets for years. 

As a piece of trivia, I never once wrote that Lance was the gay one. Obviously my gaydar isn’t very good. (full disclosure, since I wrote this sentence I actually went back and read that first story, I made Lance gay in the first one so never mind, my gaydar is awesome!) 

The second year came around and I actually won a few of those coveted Boy Band Awards. And I have my notes from the other stories nominated back then, because I took the voting very seriously and read every single one of my competition. 

And then the results were listed, I was validated how awesome I was. I had shown all those other writers who write about sex that you don’t have to write about sex to be amazing. 

In my delusion, I was riding high. I actually showed a few friends the stories I wrote and they responded not as I expected nor in a kind manner. But I was not deterred, I continued writing new stories, I had my fans who apparently liked my cookie cutter stories. 

Once I felt that I had built up a big enough fan base, I decided to unleash my original story on the world of Nifty. I released the first chapter, I might have gotten fifteen emails, by the time I published Chapter six, I received nothing. It seemed that Nifty didn’t really embrace a writer that didn’t include sex. 

But what did that bunch of deviants know about art, and amazing writing? They didn’t know a good story when they saw it while wearing pants.  

I recently read that story and I completely understand why no one responded, it was horrible. I mean really bad, and without even the promise of sex to entice anyone, people stopped reading. And I stopped writing. My hopes of being recognized as the best writer of the century were dashed. 

For five or so years, I stopped creating stories and did the odd poem but that was the middle of my six years long hidden affair with a straight boy named Jason. The one I ended up being the best man at his wedding to a girl. That was also the year I moved away from Pennsylvania to get as far away from him as humanly possible. 

I moved to San Francisco and two weeks later I turned thirty. So by the time ‘06 rolled around and I discovered GA and then AD I was thirty-two years old. Nose deep in a rather strong drug addiction to pills and powder. If you want to dive deep into the madness that was Jason Rimbaud read my Blog at Awesome Dude. 

To say I was not in the proper frame of mind to play nice in an online space would not be outside the realm of possibility. Being a drug addict was a lonely state of being, I did not play well with others. 

You only get out of it what you put into it.

When I first joined GA, I did absolutely nothing one does to fit inside any community. I didn’t introduce myself, I didn’t participate in any of the forums, I didn’t add anything to the stories section. 

Was it any wonder why I felt unwelcome? Or why I thought the members were clique-ish? Please don’t misunderstand me, I was treated like I was unwelcome, and the members were clique-ish. And I’ve got news for you, that still exists today. 

At the moment, there is a group of people that actively dislike me. Either they’ve told me privately, or through their actions they made their intentions known. Either by trolling my comments, ignoring my comments when I address them directly, or ignoring me when I try to join in on the discussion they are having in an open forum while answering everyone else. 

If there are that many that are vocal or overt in their dislike, I’m sure there are many more that harbor the same feelings but don’t care enough to take the time to let me know.

Remember, you only get out what you put in.

But for now I am referring back then. I was in a different place in my life and during that time, I think it’s fair to place the blame 50% on GA and 50% on me. Because I didn’t like the g-rated forum rules, I didn’t like that they put you in moderation jail until you reach a certain reputation, and all my interactions with the moderation team back then always had a snarky response. (maybe it could have been my drug addled comments that made no sense or my lack of self awareness) 

Didn’t they know I was the best thing that ever happened to GA? 

Right around the time I first joined GA or shortly after, there was a falling out between some of the moderators and the site itself. I never really got the whole story nor do I care. But when a group of people left GA to start a new site called Author’s Haunt, I was already feeling unwelcome so I went with them. 

I didn’t make a comment in the forums bad mouthing GA or even say I’m out. I just quietly took my amazing writing away and refused to share it with GA or its clique-ish members. (Full disclosure, at this time I had yet to post a single story on GA) 

I guess that was my way of going into the corner and sulking. I am a loner in my real life and understand that I’m different than most. 

Full Disclosure, the only moderator I remember from that time period is Cia, who had always been amazing in all of our exchanges both back then and now.

Matter of fact, in the last ten years or so, save one time, all my interactions with the moderating staff have been respectful, helpful, and pleasant. So please remember I am focusing on things that happened twenty years ago or so and does not represent my current view of GA or the current moderating team.

So at the time, before Author’s Haunt, Awesome Dude seemed a better fit for me when I still had delusions of being a great author, who would change the world with my pearls of wisdom. I did say I had a substantial drug problem during this time period, right? 

Author’s Haunt is where I finally realized and admitted to myself I was not a great writer on a fast track to change the world. I might have continued writing poetry and sharing them online, but I stopped sharing the stories I continued to write because I felt they sucked. 

Once Author’s Haunt went belly up, I really don’t think it lasted more than two years, I went back to Awesome Dude, where at least a good portion of the members interacted with me, even if it was to say that I should get help. They at least cared about me. 

Over the years I’d dip my toe back over at GA, maybe post a poem that no one read or cared about. So I would retreat into my corner, firm in my belief that GA was unwelcoming, the members clique-ish, and they just didn’t appreciate my talent. 

You only get out of it what you put into it. 

I am extremely self-aware and know I’m not a really likable person online or in real life for that matter. I’m direct, blunt, and back in the day never sugar-coated anything. I have a hard time connecting with other people in a meaningful way for lots of reasons. Add that weirdness that you can't see body language or my stupid smiling face, I come across as rude. 

When I see someone behaving in a manner I deem stupid, I tend to let them know they are being stupid. And if that behavior inconveniences others, I point out how selfish they are being. 

I truly despise selfish, oblivious people. The type of people that will wait for you to pull into your parking space in your apartment complex. Then before you can open your car vdoor, back into their space right next to you. Open their car door, and then with the door open so you can’t open your door, proceed to answer a few texts. With their car door being open, I can not open my door so I am stuck inside my car.

And to prove my point, I waited patiently and timed how long they would keep me from getting out of my car. Five minutes and ten seconds they sat in their car with the door open. They watched me pull into the space, but they were so oblivious of anyone around them, and didn't even think twice about blocking me inside my car. 

I am not afraid of confrontation. I had no problem telling him in many different ways how stupid and selfish he was. This started a neighbor war where for the next six months, I amazingly got seven screw punctures in my tire. The same tire, seven times. Once they moved out, I’ve never gotten another screw in my tire. 

In retaliation, I unplugged his Tesla multiple times a day. Even setting alarms in the middle of the night to go into the parking garage to unplug his car. 

I think if I didn’t have a unique way of speaking to people face to face, where I can say the meanest thing yet they can’t tell if I’m joking or not, has probably saved me from getting my ass beat multiple times. 

So yes, I understand that my sense of humor rubs people the wrong way. And the ironic thing, when I do say something that upsets someone, especially online, I probably re-wrote what I said a dozen times trying to find a way to convey what I want without upsetting them. 

If you ever wonder about my motivation behind anything, just try to look for a joke. Everything I post is an attempt to amuse myself and other people. And I’m not saying I achieve that goal even 20% of the time, but I am usually going for the joke. So

 if you read something and it offends you, take a step back to realize I thought it was a harmless joke and my very dry sense of humor didn’t land properly. 99% of the time, I am never mean on purpose. I’m just socially awkward and haven’t fully realized that what I find funny most normal people do not. I’m a work in progress. 

I am a naturally gregarious person that tends to hide everything behind a smile. I laugh a lot, and never take myself or anything seriously outside of cooking. 

I have a lot of shortcomings and since I started couples therapy, there are many areas I am striving to be a better human. It’s hard to curb my bluntness. I say exactly what I am feeling in the moment. And the moment I say it, I tend to let it go and move on. I find holding grudges are a lot of work so I usually just move on.

 So I never understand why people get upset by what I said. And even if they do, why can’t they just let it go and move on with life instead of obsessing about something I said by accident. 

In my head, I never come from a mean spirited place, so I wonder why people take it that way. 

None of these behaviors are conducive to making friends, either online or in real life. While I do have a small group of friends that are just as crazy as I am, I don’t play well with others. I have a hard time with empathy and often get confused why someone is mad at me. 

That is why I spend most of my time either working or hanging with my husband. Who has the patience of a saint.  

You could say the most awful things to me, and I’d probably agree with you, laugh because I found it funny, say something about myself even worse, and then go about my day and never give you another thought. 

It doesn’t help that I have a self deprecating sense of humor. I say bad things about myself all the time. And I don’t mind other people viewing me as a fool. My therapist says it’s my way of overcompensating an over-confident attitude that borders on arrogance. 

Even though I don’t understand human behavior that well, I am trying to put myself in their shoes and curb my natural instinct to just walk over and tell them they are stupid. 

I am really working on how I comment on people’s stories as of late. 

Before, I would blurt out all the ways you messed up or how your story doesn’t make sense, or it’s confusing, or I just think you suck as a writer. Now, if I comment at all, I focus only on the sentence, the paragraph, the word play, a character that I liked and ignore all the rest. I am trying to avoid anything negative in my comments. 

Because people don’t think the same way I do. I take criticism as someone’s way of saying hey, I wish you could do better, or I know you could do better. Honest criticism is something I really want from people. I’ll listen, I’ll see if it is applicable, and take what I can and forget about the rest. 

I am learning that just because you post something online, then say I welcome criticism, you really don’t want criticism. You really want praise only. Most writers online are supremely confident in their abilities as long as you don’t push them. Then their confidence breaks and they lash out.

I like to hear opposite points of view, it’s the only way I can test to ensure I am right. Same goes for writing, push me, dig into what I wrote, if I can do better, then I really want to do better. If I find your criticism isn’t valid, I move on without any hard feelings.

I came up with a new tactic. When I read a story that makes me want to honestly tell the author what I really think of their baby, instead of commenting. I write exactly what I want to say to them, I hold nothing back. Then I take that review, save it to my google drive, and move on with my day. 

We all win. I get to say what I want to say, the writer isn’t offended so no one is trolling my comments, and the moderators don’t have to step in and punish me. 

Because I no longer believe I’m a good writer, because I know it will never be anything but a fun hobby, I don’t really care if people like my silly stories. I know I can be entertaining with dialogue and can give different voices to my characters. But to the art of writing, plotting, constructing, structure, I have a long way to go to even consider myself okay. 

I believe the difference between me and some of the other writers, I do want to improve, and continuously strive to become better at my hobby of choice. 

I re-write, I try to tighten the plot, I try to make it as good as an okay writer can. Because I do want to be good one day. And that takes practice, it also takes challenging yourself to learn how to be better. 

I started posting my first multi-part story recently and I’m a bit shocked that a small group of people seem to like it thus far. Since I write for an audience of one, my husband, having a hundred people or so like my silly story is a bonus. 

And full disclosure, I no longer think erotica is beneath me. Matter of fact, I am now writing stories where parts of it you very much can read without your pants. 

I wrote these stories for my husband. If I can make my husband roll his eyes and chuckle occasionally, then I am over the moon. And if you don’t find me amusing, you are in good company. My husband rolls his eyes so frequently at my antics, oftentimes I think they’ll never stop spinning. 

So what is the point of this?

After years of me writing stories and him reading them, my husband started urging me to share them since I spent so much time and effort on them. All of my free time is basically taken up with me sitting at the dining room table writing and re-writing these stories.

I didn’t have a high opinion of GA at the time. Remember, from pretty much day one I felt unwelcome, not in with the popular kids. I also didn’t think I was good enough to join in on the fun. Besides no one likes me on that site. 

Then a few years back, I wrote a little werewolf tale for Halloween from a prompt. I think I got one comment, and that was from the author of the prompt, and then I didn’t hear anything else. That only strengthened the notion that GA was just too clique-ish for little ole me. 

I still didn’t participate in the forums, I didn’t comment on other people’s stories, I behaved in my usual loner attitude so when I did comment, I believe the members were like who is this fool. 

Plus the rules have always grated on my nerves. You can’t swear in the forums, you have to keep everything G rated, you can’t post your entire story in one shot. You have to use trigger warnings, which completely ruins any hope of surprising the reader with an unseen twist.

You would think rating your story M would be warning enough but no, we have to cater to those who are so fragile they become triggered by reading words on a page.

Did I mention that I don’t hold those views today, we are still discussing how I felt back then. And I never knowingly broke any of these rules, I do understand if I want to play in GA’s sandbox I need to follow the rules. And I do as I respect what Myr created all those years ago and gave some many a place to meet other like minded people, especially way back then. 

So last year, my husband saw GA was hosting a secret author contest. He urged me to submit something. I voice my concern that GA didn’t like me so they wouldn’t like my stories. He said, if it’s secret, they’ll never know who wrote it. Then you’ll see if they like your writing even though they might not like you. 

So I agreed. I submitted the story and then he encouraged me to participate. And in my usual fashion, I commented in the thread attempting to make him laugh. 

He’s a perpetual guest at GA and refuses to join for reasons I’m not really clear on. Though he reads a lot of the stories and the forum comments. His favorite author just happens to be one of the ones that don’t enjoy my presence. 

So in all the madness that ensued in the secret author contest, I realized a few things about GA. There are still some members that are unwelcoming, clique-ish, and who don’t appreciate my writing. I still received snarky comments from people who don’t like me. And I pissed some people off because they take themselves way too seriously and did not like the fact that I didn’t take them serious enough.

But unlike all the other times, I found a few people who let me be weird and seemed to tolerate it. Plus I discovered I like sharing my silly stories with people who seem to like them. It’s not a lot of people but a few do and what more can you ask for? 

Why wasn’t GA my first internet home? Because I got out of it exactly what I put into it.