A year and 9 months ago I took him home. He cried the whole way home while his sister lay next to him peacefully resting. Once I'd gotten them inside and let them out of their box he promptly went and hid behind the washer and I barely saw him for the next week. Meanwhile his sister busied herself exploring their new home and encouraging him to come out and join us.
Eventually Timmy settled settled down and while he was still nervous around people he was mostly sane. He'd often get himself into trouble, spill things, shred things, but mostly he wasn't too bad. Lucky was always a little angel.
On the way to Houston he screamed his head off the entire trip. Lucky (from what I told) slept for most of it, but would give a soothing, purring response if spoken to.
Now that we've all been here for awhile and everyone's had time to get into a new routine in a new environment one thing stands out: Timmy's bad behaviour. He's always been a handful, but lately he seems much worse. He's constantly shredding things, messing up the carpet, climbing on things he has no business climbing on, and screaming his head off. He's also being purposely bad. He'll get on a table or desk, look at me, sometimes even speak to me, then knock things off. If I shoe him off of one thing he'll often go straight to something else he's not meant to do. A few weeks ago he broke a window, and more recently he shredded a semi-important document. Basically he's driving me crazy.
In less than 24 hours I'll be leaving for a visit back home. I'll get to see my family and I'll be attending the graduation party of a good friend. If I made the decision I could take Timmy back with me and leave him at my mom's. He'd be an out door cat which is a catch 22 kind of situation. He'd have more room, and he'd have more things he could play with, but it would be a more dangerous environment for him. He'll definitely remember my mom and probably my grandparents and he likes them. The main problem would be that the two most important in his life wouldn't be there - myself and Lucky. It's just a hard decision to make.
I definitely feel like this is what I want, I'm just fed up spending all my time saying, "Stop that" and cleaning up after him. I know they'd treat him well, and in many ways I think it might be best for him. It's just that he and Lucky are SO close. Not a day goes by....heck not 4 hours goes by, without them laying together, cleaning each other, or gently playing. I've never seen two cats that were closer. Seperating them seems like a horrible thing to do...which of course honestly is why I took Timmy in the first place.
It just brings up so many complicated thoughts and feelings for me. I mean on one level I just feel like a failure for not being able (or willing??) to handle him. I'm scared of the implications this has with regards to my potential skill as a parent. I'm also worried it makes me selfish in general, irresponsible. Yet on the other hand it's like this seems like the perfect opportunity to solve the problem, he'd get a good home, and I could quit worrying about everything. When it comes down to it I just don't particularly like the idea of spending the next 10 or 15 years of my life babysitting him....but then that makes me feel mean and selfish again.
I also keep putting myself in Timmy and Lucky's place. I mean their relationship is really quite nice. It almost seems like seperating two people who were in love. I mean it's just a terrible thing to do. Plus as needy and clingly as he is I have no doubt about his affection for me. I really do love him...but as my mom pointed out I've always favoured Lucky. Well perhaps not...I mean they're just very different, you have to care about them in different ways. Lucky's really what I wanted and expected from a cat. She's a total doll, cuddly and affectionate, but very low maintance. She's seldom clingy, she's not loud or rambunctious; she's very self-contained. Timmy's just the opposite. I don't know what I'd have done without her to help look after him all this time. I couldn't get a moment's peace if she wasn't there to help divide his attention. I just don't know how they'll do on their own. I mean I think she'll be sad at first but get over it and keep doing her own thing. With him I have no idea, he really seems to need her.....
Anyway I'm just not sure what to do. On top of that I feel guilty and selfish. I also feel like this is an embarrassment and disappointment to my mom. She didn't exactly say that so I'm probably just projecting here, but it's like if I compare coming out to her and this...well it's like with the coming out she might have been disappointed about the situation regarding biological grandkids, but I wasn't really concerned that she was disappointed in me....this seems like something she might specifically be disappointed in me about. I don't know it's probably projection though I'm disappointed in myself...On the other hand I'm sure this is the decision I want.
Anyway as of right now (of course I've been back and forth at least 5 times in the last 24 hours with my mind "firmly" made up) I'm planning to leave here tomorrow around 7:00AM with Timmy. I'll be there until late Tuesday so he'll have me around a little bit at first to perhaps ease the transition and if he's absolutely miserable I can still take him home with me. Assuming he stays I guess I can think of it as a "trial seperation". I wasn't planning on going back for my birthday at the end of the month, but if he's miserable, and/or Lucky and I are unhappy, then I guess I can go back and pick him up then.
It's just a crummy situation on lots of levels regardless of what I ultimately decide. Feedback about this would be appreciated, I'll definitely look before I leave in the morning and I'd be happy to hear reasons why I'm making a mistake (and thus could reconsider) or why I'm doing the right thing and should rest easy.
Anyway best wishes to all and lets all keep Mark in our thoughts (and prayers if you're the type) for a full and speedy recovery!