The hazards of sobreity
Coming up Oct. 1st, I'll have been clean and sober for two years.
At first it was really hard passing up the sleezy bars and liquor stores. I really missed going to meet dangerous characters in dangerous allies to buy weed.
Being drunk and stoned was for a while.. liberating. I do something stupid my friends would laugh it off. I was really drunk at the time was like a get out of trouble free card. Sorry I screwed your boyfriend at the party. I was so drunk I can barely remember it.
Yeah- I hung out with some real winners. ...and woke in some interesting places- like Arkansas.
Being sober takes some getting used too. It was really difficult at first. Breaking old habits is hard. Late on Sunday nights I just didn't feel right and I couldn't figure it out. This went on for a couple of months before I figured it out: it felt so strange to go all weekend without barfing.
Kicking weed is difficult but its different from smoking ciggerettes or drinking. Those tasty treats from 7-11s you pick up at 2:00am just don't taste the same. Watching TV for hours on end didn't hold the same charm. Before I knew it, I had ditched my junk food for vegatables. I still like Taco Bell but we're talking about progress, not perfection.
I stayed stoned for months at a time. I didn't stop to ask myself why. I was too busy looking for just the right brand of microwave buritos. Weed comes on slowly and quietly. First its just holidays like New Years, the Superbowl or the 4th of July. Then its weekends. Then its for a headache or a bad day and then its not just a hobby anymore.
When I cleaned up, I had searing headaches. They were so bad they blurred my vision. I got diagnosed with glaucoma and figured it out- it was taking being high just to make me feel normal.
Sadder and wiser I look back and feel embarrassed. How could I have been such an idiot?
Things happened for me fast and furious. I graduated in '86 with a hot degree and moved up in the business effortlessly. By the time I was 32, I had a house and was a member of senior management. I made my career goals. My problem: What's next? No shit, that's a killer. I was no longer the hot-shot kid. I felt like my best work was behind me.
I was in an empty and soul-less place; a circular prison of expectations. Looking in the mirror and seeing myself going stale- becoming a middle aged burn out and feeling useless. Keeping the yard mowed and the house painted but behind the shades, the inside was empty and silently rotting away.
Thankfully I'm not in that place anymore. Part of recovery is figuring out how f-ed up you really are. It motivates you to work towards something better. After a long time of wandering around without purpose and in the dark, I'm back. I'm smart, strong and frankly pretty tough. I'm seeing a great guy. Despite the pain, I would not go back to the way it was.
I'm the same person but not the same guy. Some things inside me that were broken are repaired and bad programming has been... upgraded. I've still got a lot of work to do but for some reason, it seems possible. Dare I say it? I believe that I've found some hope.
Now when I do something silly, as I'm apt to do a couple of times a day, I no longer have the I was drunk at the time excuse.
I say, Pardon me. I was having a blond moment.
JS
9 Comments
Recommended Comments
Create an account or sign in to comment
You need to be a member in order to leave a comment
Create an account
Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!
Register a new accountSign in
Already have an account? Sign in here.
Sign In Now