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The hazards of sobreity

JamesSavik

Entry posted by JamesSavik

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Coming up Oct. 1st, I'll have been clean and sober for two years.

 

At first it was really hard passing up the sleezy bars and liquor stores. I really missed going to meet dangerous characters in dangerous allies to buy weed.

 

Being drunk and stoned was for a while.. liberating. I do something stupid my friends would laugh it off. I was really drunk at the time was like a get out of trouble free card. Sorry I screwed your boyfriend at the party. I was so drunk I can barely remember it.

 

Yeah- I hung out with some real winners. ...and woke in some interesting places- like Arkansas.

 

Being sober takes some getting used too. It was really difficult at first. Breaking old habits is hard. Late on Sunday nights I just didn't feel right and I couldn't figure it out. This went on for a couple of months before I figured it out: it felt so strange to go all weekend without barfing.

 

Kicking weed is difficult but its different from smoking ciggerettes or drinking. Those tasty treats from 7-11s you pick up at 2:00am just don't taste the same. Watching TV for hours on end didn't hold the same charm. Before I knew it, I had ditched my junk food for vegatables. I still like Taco Bell but we're talking about progress, not perfection.

 

I stayed stoned for months at a time. I didn't stop to ask myself why. I was too busy looking for just the right brand of microwave buritos. Weed comes on slowly and quietly. First its just holidays like New Years, the Superbowl or the 4th of July. Then its weekends. Then its for a headache or a bad day and then its not just a hobby anymore.

 

When I cleaned up, I had searing headaches. They were so bad they blurred my vision. I got diagnosed with glaucoma and figured it out- it was taking being high just to make me feel normal.

 

Sadder and wiser I look back and feel embarrassed. How could I have been such an idiot?

 

Things happened for me fast and furious. I graduated in '86 with a hot degree and moved up in the business effortlessly. By the time I was 32, I had a house and was a member of senior management. I made my career goals. My problem: What's next? No shit, that's a killer. I was no longer the hot-shot kid. I felt like my best work was behind me.

 

I was in an empty and soul-less place; a circular prison of expectations. Looking in the mirror and seeing myself going stale- becoming a middle aged burn out and feeling useless. Keeping the yard mowed and the house painted but behind the shades, the inside was empty and silently rotting away.

 

Thankfully I'm not in that place anymore. Part of recovery is figuring out how f-ed up you really are. It motivates you to work towards something better. After a long time of wandering around without purpose and in the dark, I'm back. I'm smart, strong and frankly pretty tough. I'm seeing a great guy. Despite the pain, I would not go back to the way it was.

 

I'm the same person but not the same guy. Some things inside me that were broken are repaired and bad programming has been... upgraded. I've still got a lot of work to do but for some reason, it seems possible. Dare I say it? I believe that I've found some hope.

 

Now when I do something silly, as I'm apt to do a couple of times a day, I no longer have the I was drunk at the time excuse.

 

I say, Pardon me. I was having a blond moment. ;)

 

 

JS

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Luc

A lot of hard times and hard work between point A and point B. Glad you got there relatively sane :)

 

So what do people who are NOT blonde use for an excuse? It really doesn't seem fair. Blondes have more fun. Blondes often get pretty blue eyes. Blondes can use the "blonde moment" excuse. What do we who have brown hair get? Grey hair shows up more quickly. You can see the hair on our bodies from a mile away (which is only a problem, I guess, if you are lusting after someone who doesn't have a fondness for fur). And we cannot use the "Sorry, blonde moment" excuse. :(

 

:P But then again, maybe we don't NEED the "blonde moment" excuse because we are brilliant and clever and graceful and... *leans back in chair and falls over, banging his head on the file cabinet behind him* Uh...oops...nevermind...

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Gandalf

Ahh that is why your comments are more consistantly interesting than some of the others.. I have been sober coming up on 19 years. My line is I couldn't afford a boat big enough to carry my booze and me across the pond. What a life I have had both before and after getting sober. Wouldn't have missed any of it and am glad to hear about yours. Pax Steve :great:

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Boxerdude

Wow JS,

 

That was eye opening! Congratulations on your acheivement. You have certainly given me some things to think about. Some of the emotions and feelings you described, sadly, I can relate too. That is one of the reasons I keep coming back to GA, because people are willing to bare their soul, share their experiences and make people stop and think. I have been through a rough time the last few months, and I am have started thinking it was time I took more control of my life and stopped leaning on a drink to soften the blow or to help calm me down. Your willingness to share has definetely made a difference to me.

 

Thank You for Sharing!!!

 

 

Hugs,

 

David

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AFriendlyFace

Hey James!

 

I'm so happy for you and so proud of you! :2thumbs::great:

 

That's so awesome, way to go! It does sound like a really tough journey, but you made it through and that's fantastic!! :hug: I wish you the best on the rest of your journey

 

 

So what do people who are NOT blonde use for an excuse? It really doesn't seem fair. Blondes have more fun. Blondes often get pretty blue eyes. Blondes can use the "blonde moment" excuse. What do we who have brown hair get?

That's easy Luc! We get hair dye ;):boy:

 

Grey hair shows up more quickly. You can see the hair on our bodies from a mile away (which is only a problem, I guess, if you are lusting after someone who doesn't have a fondness for fur).

ah, for that you need an aggressive hair removal program ;) I'm going with lazer, which by the way, OUCH!

 

And we cannot use the "Sorry, blonde moment" excuse. :(

LOL, I paid enough for it and I use it all the time!

 

BTW, redheads have fun too! I'm going red again for Valentine's day :P

 

:P But then again, maybe we don't NEED the "blonde moment" excuse because we are brilliant and clever and graceful and... *leans back in chair and falls over, banging his head on the file cabinet behind him* Uh...oops...nevermind...

:lmao::lol:

 

Seriously though, James, Awesome job and I'm super-proud of you :hug:

 

Kevin

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Coming Undone

Hi James :hug:

 

Happy Anniversary!!!!

 

And I hope many more and lets hope the water stays in the Gulf this year! 0:)

 

All my best

 

Eric :devil:

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Chaz

Congratulations James. I hope you have many more because you are a great person and you deserve the best.

Chaz

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knotme

I was about to walk to the PO, but then I noticed I needed to wait so as not to arrive while the postmaster was on lunch break, so here I am, browsing your blog for the first time. Great reading (OK, I skipped over the football prognos)! I stopped here to add my congratulations and thanks, thanks for taking a big step toward being with us for a good while longer.

 

I also wanted to assure you that your bouts of silliness are way down in frequency, though you may not think so. Also, as a blond, you're covered for life, excuse-wise. Today, it's a blond moment. When you're too gray to say that, it's a senior moment. :P

 

km

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