Well, how else would I commemorate a new path for my life than by getting a make over? Shortly after writing my last blog I got my hair restyled and dyed. I went for a shorter, messier style and a fairly flashy blond. I got my brows waxed and dyed as well, and hit up a few of my favourite shops for some new outfits. I also started the lastest round of teeth whitening products, and restructured my skin care regimen. Shallow and vail I know, but all in all I'm very pleased with the results. I have to admit that today with my light blond hair and deep blue shirt - which complimented my eyes nicely - I felt like a re-energized, stronger, more successful version of my recent sick and emotionally numb self.

Naturally I harnessed all this self-assurance and put myself back into the job market. I spent the day interviewing and generally searching for appealing positions. I could have had a new career in financial services, but I elected to stick to my guns and not accept a job I knew I would ultimately find unfulfilling (ala my last three jobs ). So, now it looks like I'll most likely be working temp office jobs until I go back to school for my Masters (hopefully next August ). Granted, there's no way I'll find these other jobs especially fulfilling either, but at least their transitory nature will make it easier for me to avoid getting tied down as well as provide me with the flexibility to pursue my academic, social, and recreational interests. I'm fine with taking imperfect, little jobs, but at this point I'm unwilling to commit to a long-term career that I simply won't like. (well, in a way I'm sure I'd "like" just about any job, but some just won't ultimately "do it" for me, ya know?).

In other news Andrew (ex-boyfriend) and I may get back together...may not...he wants it...I want it, but I'm not sure it's a good idea...well I guess I don't really know what I want at all...which is a fascinating reversal since prior to the break-up I was the one that knew what he wanted and he was the one with the conflicted message. *shrug* Basically, the break up was because it's a slightly long-distance relationship (not even THAT long, about an hour's drive, heck technically we both live in Houston since it's so large), and because he's not out and still dependent on his family. One time we went out in his area and he happened to know one of the other waitresses at the restaurant so we had to pretend to be "friends". and in general we couldn't really go out in his area, and it just wasn't practical for him to always come to mine. Now I was mostly okay with all of this...he wasn't. It was getting really hard for him to be in a relationship and closeted and the distance thing seemed to really be wearing him down. Now I'm just a little reluctant to do it all over again because really nothing has changed and I'm pretty sure he's still going to be hurt, stressed, and frustrated in a few weeks. Anyway, I just keep thinking it's not fair to him or to me, but at the same time he's a really great guy and I just feel like I'd be passing up something really awesome.

As for Brian, the friend that "broke up" with me, I received another letter in the mail from him today. Basically it was re-affirming his desire of us to be out of each other's lives. Only oddly enough this one was considerably nicer and more heart-felt...hell, if he'd written something more along these lines in the first place I probably wouldn't have been as hurt and pissed. On the other hand that might simply be the time and perspective I now have on the situation talking. In any case I feel ALOT better about everything now, and I was basically over it before anyway, so I think I'm good to go.

Actually the biggest problem here will probably be with our mutual friends and activities. I think we're both committed to not making it weird or hard for them and trying not to put them in the middle, but let's face it they're still going to be uncomfortable, and no matter how much we say we won't, we'll probably both cancel/avoid some activities (even if we have good intentions like not wanting to make it hard for the other person or the other people there). In fact we've already been putting a couple of our friends in the middle even though I'm sure we're both trying not to (obviously it's just hard for them to stay uninvolved)

Finally, I have to say a great big THANK YOU to everyone who offered support and encouragement over the past week. You guys have no idea how much that meant to me or how much that HELPED! THANKS! :hug:

I also realized that I have a really good support system of friends here in Houston as well as in various other parts of the country. It's just encouraging, warming, and ...fuzzy and I have the slightly embarrassing but great feeling you get when you know people have done something wonderful for you and you know you'll never be able to repay them.

Anyway, I feel like my life is back on track (mostly ), and I appreciate everything guys