Wow. Just wow. Went to the psychowhatsit.

I have never met anyone quite like that woman. I'm telling you, it was like I was in Silence of the Lambs from the way she kept asking the exact right questions to get to the exact root of my problems. The woman is the single most competent and intelligent mental health professional I've ever met. In fact, she's the ONLY competent one I've met.

Bitch is freakin' amazing. I've never met anyone like her! I know I'm gushing, but omg if she were a boy and a lot younger I'd be like "Yo, we should get married". She had some serious talent as far as psychology goes.

Normally, I'm the one steering the conversation. I can go from one topic to another seamlessly and before long have someone talking about whatever I want them to. I just find it pretty easy to do. She's the first person I've ever met who could both counter me steering a conversation and steer it the direction she wanted it to go.

Example....

She gave me a huge line of questioning about my father. She thinks that I have serious issues with him and a lot of latent anger, but whatever. Anywho, she was incredibly persistent about it. She cut right through the bullshit and the downplaying and the attempts to gloss over less-than-fun subjects; it was like she knew what had happened over the years and was just trying to make me say it out loud.

She also began asking about all of my past relationships. She decided on defining it as BOTH physical and emotional intimacy. In that case I've had like... two relationships... ever. And one of them I wouldn't even count because the entire time it was just the illusion of intimacy anyway.

After that, she asked about guys in general, trying to figure out how I view them. I pretty much told her I'd about lost all my sex drive and gotten to the point that I don't really want any relationship because it's just not worth the trouble. So then she starts asking more questions...

"So when the two of you parted, it wasn't an explosive event?" she asked me regarding he-who-must-not-be-named. I shook my head.

"Nope, we just parted ways. After some initial contact, we just stopped speaking. It's likely for the best," I told her.

"So why is that better?" she asked.

"It just is, y'know? There's no use crying over spilled milk, and if I kept talking to him then it would've just made me insane over time. That's why I got rid of his phone number, his friends' phone numbers, his e-mail, his friends' e-mails, everything I could."

"So why doesn't he contact you?" she asked.

"He's not that kind of person. I told you he's got that schizoid personality thing to where it seems like he just doesn't need other people to be perfectly happy. Usually I'd say that's utter BS, but from the way he acts I kind of believe it," I told her.

"Okay, so how do you feel about the fact that he hasn't contacted you? Are you angry at him, sad about it turning out that way, what?"

"Just... disappointed, really. It's something I'll have to get used to. There'll be a ton of people in the future who disappoint me, and I can't cry for all of them or I'll never get anything done," I said.

"Well, you mentioned that you're feeling like you just don't want a relationship. Why do you feel that way, what caused that?"

"I don't know. I think I'm just burned out on investing too much into people when I have no right to expect anything back," I said.

"So wait, you don't think it has anything to do with being disappointed?" she asked me.

"Well of course, but like I said, I'll get over it. He's just one person, there's more in the world."

"Yeah, he's just one person, but there've been two men in your life who've let you down in a big way."

This is when I looked at her all huh-like. Truthfully I was perplexed at first. I started racking my brain for men who've disappointed me. I am amazed at the fact that I've been able to bury my father so effectively deep in my mind that it's like he doesn't even exist unless someone specifically names him. Finally it clicked with me.

"Oh wow, that was psychobabbletastic."

See what I mean? This woman has a habit of FORCING me to think about things I purposefully or subconsciously ignore. Speaking to her is like fencing almost. She strikes, I parry, she lunges, I dodge, but in the end she's always going to win because it's almost like a master swordsman toying with someone just learning.

I'm just saying that she's pretty f**king amazing. There's lots of examples of this kind of thing with her... another one had to do with the whole thing that happened on my birthday.

I got drunk at a friend's house, but then all my other friends vacated. It was just me, Lee, Will, and Kevin. Well, long story short... I made out with both Will and Kevin and both of them did manage to cop a feel. Wow, wait... I just realized where a dream I had the other night came from... jeez weird. Anyway! The weird thing about this is that Will and Kevin's apartment was where we were.

They're "not a couple". They sleep in the same bed in the same apartment, but "not a couple". They once were, though. Now that I'm not drunk as hell, I look back, and I'm almost absolutely certain that they were using me and Lee to make one another jealous in some twisted lovers' spat thing.

f**K it, though. People do weird shit when they're in love and don't wanna admit it.

Lee, by the way, has been firmly placed in the "nope, no thanks" category. We don't click, and I've tried to click with him. He's been evasive and kinda distant. He also asked Paul for Will's number the next day, and sorry, but I don't wanna date anyone who would do that... it's really, really tasteless and whore-ish. Using your friends as hook-up central ain't cool.

I just think he's far too oblivious, and I need someone who can keep up with the way I think.

Okay, now I'm on Wellbutrin instead of Zoloft. So far I like it a LOT better. I just started taking it but I already feel better and have more energy and I can focus better. I haven't been able to write in my blog for ages 'cause I get distracted or disinterested, but ya see? I'm a good bit better now, hehe.

Oh goodness, what else is there to talk about... LOTS has happened, you guys. Ah, well, I'll see you all later. ~hugs~ Have a fantastical day/night/whatever.