I'm sick of this shit. I've managed to slip up and let myself regress back to my old self. I've slid back into that idiotic frame of mind where I let other people influence how happy I am, where I depend on other people. I need to get back to being self-sufficient, independent of any needs that require other people's cooperation. Today's gonna be the turnaround. I need to make up my lost ground and gain a little more.

 

First, I'm getting back to my diet/exercise. I'm not gonna let other people try and lull me into that complacency where I forget momentarily that I'm not at my best yet. All it ever ends up doing is frustrating me and making me feel bad about it later. I'm not listening to any of this idiocy about "Oh, if you lose any more weight you'll blow away!" or "You sound anorexic!" or any of that bullshit. I'm NOT anorexic, and I'm NOT what I want to be yet, so I WILL do what the hell I want and get the body I want. Kiss my ass. Just because everybody else is content being overweight and having no definition or musculature doesn't mean I have to be, too. I'm going to feel good about myself with every pound I lose. I'm going to force Allan to take me to buy a set of scales tomorrow, and I'm going to start keeping track of it.

 

Second, I'm not going to let this idiocy about boys f**K with my head. There's no reason I should let what anyone, let alone any guy who doesn't even know me, have any bearing on how I feel. They know NOTHING about me. Hell, my best friend right now knows next to nothing about me because we don't talk about anything other than day to day things. We have an unspoken understanding that we just DON'T bring up drama. We go for the cheap thrills, the happy things, good old shallow fun. Anyway, guys can go f**K themselves, because I don't need 'em. Half of them don't even know what they want, and I'm not going to attempt to impress anyone anymore other than myself. I'm just done.

 

Third, I'm pulling my grades up. They've been slipping, and it's unacceptable. There's no reason whatsoever that my grades should be this low. I'm gonna have to pull something off to fix them, but one's a definite A, one's a definite B, and the other two are totally up in the air. I'm not going to be doing this trying to keep up with friends bullshit anymore. They'll understand that I just don't have time to hang out during the week. I can't do it and I'm not going to kill myself trying. You realize I work night shifts? Some days I don't sleep for more than 36 hours at a time, constantly doing something. I'm not adding to that, not to mention the bad nights when I'm all insomniac like tonight and can't sleep. Yeah, today is class from nine in the morning to nine at night, and then I go to work at three in the morning.

 

Fourth, I'm just not letting all of this bullshit bother me anymore. I pay way too much attention to other people, and I pay way too much attention to the parts of my situation that I dislike. It's about time that I let these things slide past me, and learn not to dwell on all of it. I don't HAVE to be frustrated, no matter what happens to me. Frustration doesn't help, so why make myself crazy? Just doesn't make sense.

 

Now, I'm about to get the hell up out of this bed, and get cracking on making this day a great one. There's no reason it can't be amazing, and I intend to make it that way. Gonna go have me a smoke, then come back up and plan out what I need to be doing today. As soon as Allan's all the way awake, I'm going to play DDR until I need to shower/shave and go to class. After that, gonna come back here and clean the f**K out of this room, 'cause it really could use it. That's another thing I've noticed; the cleaner and more orderly my room is, the better I feel in general. So, off to start the day. Also, here's a couple songs for you guys. Look 'em up. First is "Still Hurting", from The Last Five Years. Second is Die Vampire Die! from [title of show].

 

 

"Jamie is over and Jamie is gone

Jamie's decided it's time to move on

Jamie's has new dreams he's building upon

And I'm still hurting

 

Jamie arrived at the end of the line

Jamie's convinced that the problems are mine

Jamie's probably feeling just fine

And I'm still hurting

 

What about lies, Jamie?

What about things that you swore to be true?

What about you, Jamie?

What about you?

 

Jamie's sure something wonderful died.

Jamie decides it's his right to decide.

Jamie's got secrets he doesn't confide.

And I'm still hurting.

 

Go and hide and run away, run away.

Run and find something better.

Go and ride the sun away, run away.

Like it's simple, like it's right.

 

Give me a day, Jamie.

Bring back the lies, hang them back on the wall.

Maybe I'd see how you could be so certain that we

Had no chance at all.

 

Jamie is over and where can I turn?

Covered with scars I did nothing to earn.

Maybe there's somewhere a lesson to learn.

But that wouldn't change the fact

That wouldn't speed the time

Once the foundation's cracked

And I'm still hurting."

 

 

 

Susan:

There are some people in the world who say that writing stories,

or composing music or dancing sparkly dances is easy for them.

Nothing interferes with their ability to create.

While I celebrate their creative freedom,

a little part of me just wants to punch those motherf**kers in the teeth.

This song, I sing this song for you guys and for all the rest of us. Help me out y'all

 

Backup:

We'll sing backup

 

Susan:

You have a story to tell, a novel you keep in a drawer.

 

Backup:

Old sock drawer!

 

Susan:

You have a painting to paint, but you lazy like an old French whore

 

Backup:

Je suis whore!

 

Susan:

You have a movie to make, Shrinky Dinks you can bake

but you best grab a stake, cause,

in sweep the vampires, in creep the vampires, knee deep in vampires,

Filling you with doubt. Insecurity, 'bout what your heart should be

in sweep the vampires

 

All:

Die vampire

 

Susan:

You sketched that turtle you saw in an ad on late-night cable TV

 

Backup:

Tippy Turtle!

 

Susan:

But your fourth grade teacher said

 

Female Backup:

You can't draw

 

Susan:

Aww, those vampires just won't let you be

 

Backup:

f**K you Ms. Johnson, Word!

 

Susan:

And when they come run like hell, see those bats in your belfry, then call on Van Helsing.

 

Susan:

In swoosh

 

Backup:

Ooh, the vampires

 

Susan:

in a whoosh

 

Backup:

ooh, the vampires,

 

Susan:

Babaganoosh

 

Backup:

ooh, all the vampires

 

Susan:

Filling you with thoughts of

 

Backup:

Self consciousness

 

Susan:

Feelings of

 

Backup:

Worthlessness

 

Susan:

They'll make you

 

Backup:

Second guess

Die vam-

 

All:

-pire!

There are so many vampires, inside, outside, and nationwide,

it helps to recognize them with this vampire hunting guide!

 

Susan:

Listen closely,

a vampire is any person or thought or feeling

that stands between you and your creative self expression,

but they can assume many seductive forms.

Here's a few of them!

 

Backup:

Tell us Susan!

 

Susan:

First up are your pigmy vampires.

They'll swarm around you head like gnats and say things like:

 

Male Backup:

Your teeth need whitening

 

Female Backup:

You went to state school?

 

Male Backup:

You sound weird

 

All:

Shakespeare, Sondheim, Sedaris

 

Susan:

Did it before you and better than you, or they might say that you cannot

sing good enough to be in a musical, or they might say:

 

Backup:

Ooh, your song's derivative,

Ooh, your song's derivative,

Ooh, your song's derivative,

 

Susan:

To keep that song from you! Just tell them:

 

Backup:

Die vampire, die!

 

Susan:

Brothers and sisters, next up is the air freshener vampire,

she might look like you mama, or your old fat-ass, fat aunt Fanny.

She smells something unpleasant in what you're creating.

She'll urge you to:

 

Backup:

(Spraying sound)

 

Susan:

It with some pine fresh smell 'em ups.

The air freshener vampire doesn't want you to write about

 

Backup:

bad language, blood, or blow jobs

 

Susan:

She wants you to clean it up and clean it out.

Which will leave your work toothless, gutless, and crotchless

but, you'll be left with two tight paragraphs,

All kittens that your grandma would be so proud of.

You look at that air freshener vampire in her fat ass, fat old f**kin' face and you say

 

All:

Morte vampire morte!

 

Susan:

The last vampire is the mother of all vampires and that is the vampire of despair.

It'll wake you up at 4am to say things like:

 

Backup:

Who do you think you're kidding?

You look like a fool.

No matter how hard you try, you'll never be good enough

 

Susan:

Why is it that if some dude walked up to me on the subway platform

and said these things, I'd think he was a mentally ill asshole,

but if the vampire inside my head says it,

It's the voice of reason.

 

Backup:

You have a story to tell, pull your novel out of that sock drawer!

You have a painting to paint, you best paint it and then paint some more!

 

Susan:

Oh baby, you must escape and grab it by the nape of its neck, by the trachea

f**kin' break it, go on drive a stake in,

Yeah there's no mistaking, now you're shake and bakin'

 

All:

Die, vampire

I said, "Die, vampire"

I said, "Now die vam-pi-re, die!"

 

All:

In fly the vampires, oh my the vampires, then die the vampires,

filling you with life, creativity, all that your heart should be, out go the vampires

Die vampire, die vampire, die vampire, die!