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And Toby Goes Down . . .


ashessnow

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So... I cant accurately describe how life has gone to shit so quickly over the past few weeks. But I'll try:

 

-I get locked out of my house. Now for those who don't know, getting locked out is one of those things that I have a problem with. Why? Because thats how my parents kicked me out. I came home at like 4:00 AM and they had changed the lock and put all my stuff in a bag in front of the door. So when I got locked out again at like 1:30 AM it took me back to that time and a ton of feelings and emotions that I didn't know I had came flooding back. I called my roommates but they didn't pick up, I started to cry uncontrollably for a few minutes. It was pretty bad.

 

So I called a friend and asked if I could stay the night, thankfully he said I could.

 

-And then a few days later I smoked out with a few friends and had a VERY bad high. I can't even describe how bad it was, but it was pretty bad. Like throwing up disgustingness. I can't even believe any of it was real. Anyway.

 

-I went to a concert (Murder City Devils) and was in the pit where this White Power Nazi f*ck tried to kill me. I was in the pit when I felt hands on my neck (another thing I have a problem with, I HATE having people put their hands on my neck for that exact reason and now someone actually tries) and he started to strangle me and I fell on the floor. And let me just say, being on your hands and knees on the floor in the pit where people are thrashing around above you is terrifying. Thankfully someone pulled me out and I passed out a few times and . . . it doesnt matter, I'm fine now.

 

-And I started to SI again. I did it because 1. I wanted to see if anyone would notice, and 2. I actually like the way they look. Is that demented? Maybe a bit. Don't worry, I'm totally in control and if i really need to stop I will.

 

-I got into a fight with Stephan, and in my head I decided that I was done with living here. Now, I know that we only just moved in not even a month ago, but I'm done living here. So I called around and some friends offered me a place to stay until I figure out what to do.

 

But ANYWAY . . . I saw "Phantom" yesterday at the Pantages. It was ehh. I dont know, it just seemed like an off night to me. But the leads were amazing.

 

Im thinking of getting more tattoos.

 

And the guy? From last post? Not the model, Im done with him, but the other guy. He is a lot of fun. Even though he's HIV+, I really like this one. He's just as damaged as me so its perfect. yay.

 

Oh. I start college on Monday. I'm not excited.

 

Songs in my head: Her Hair Is On Fire / Magnetic Baby / That's Kunt - Semi Precious Weapons.

 

And some people call me Toby. I actually hate the name but its the closest I could get my name to sound like Igby.

 

Edit: And I never talked about rehab. Its actually not that interesting. I was there over the summer in high school a few years ago. Basically, the pills I took for being Bipolar. I got addicted. So there was that. Plus the SI. A bipolar homo cutting Prozac junkie. That's me. That's like a - quadfecta? Is that a word? Whatever.

 

I think thats enough for today. Now I need a few hours of sleep. Later.

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