Update on my life...

[dkstories]

Boy, things are getting interesting for me right now. I've never been so stressed, so sad, so happy, or so totally exhausted in a long, long time. As most of you know, I'm taking care of grandparents who both have Alzheimer's. It's not easy, it's not pretty, but it is rewarding because the alternative is to put them in a nursing home, something none of us want.

 

Nanny (my grandmother), is moving into stage two of the disease and has just begun taking Aricept. Thanks to that drug, she's starting to come out of the dementia she was consumed by for the last two months or more. The bad news is she's realizing she's facing a major disease that drastically affects her life and has been getting very testy. She's also facing a loss of hunger from the disease and getting her to eat well has been a challenge.

 

Papa is in the latter stages of Alzheimer's, but over the last two months, thanks in part to my care (according to his doctors!), he's improving. Just today I took him to the grocery store and he reminded me we needed toilet paper. Sometimes he remembers who I am (his grandson), and other times I'm just a neat guy he likes to have around the house (his words).

 

Adding another wrinkle to this situation is my cousin's daughter. She's lived with them ever since she was born, and is now 18. She's spoiled rotten, and has no idea of the seirousness of the situation. I've been trying to teach her a little discipline and so on, but it's been slow going. Adding to the complication is that she likes to have her friends over a lot, and Nanny won't let me forbid them from spending the night.

 

Some of them are downright worthless, but a few of them are good people. Now, most are between 15 and 20, and at 33 I'm somewhere in the middle of older sibling or parent figure. Instead of going ape over them being there, I've been doing my best to be friendly and inviting, and it's turned out to be a good thing with most of them.

 

It seems that a few of them have latched onto me emotionally now, especially after this last week. They felt comfortable enough with me to share some things going on in their life and to say that I was outraged is an understatement. One young man had not eaten for the last two weeks except when he came over and I fed them all a big meal (Nanny LOVES big meals with the table full of people so having them there and eating dinner was GOOD for her and for Papa who also enjoys big family meals. I've told them as long as they are respectful and friendly to Nanny and Papa, they are always welcome.). His mother disappears every night and doesn't buy groceries or leave him money for food. He flinched when I angrily stated that was child abuse, and we spent about an hour tonight discussing ways he can go about changing that aspect of his life. Meanwhile, he knows when mealtimes are and Nanny thinks he's funny because he always jokes around with her.

 

Another young man and I bonded over the weekend after his mother pretty much threw him out on last Tuesday. I found out on Thursday that he'd been sleeping under a bush and put an end to that for the weekend. We talked a lot over the weekend and he decided to make some changes to himself in order to finish high school and is actually thinking about college or the military instead of trying to live off of the street or trying to catch a train out of town.

 

On Monday, he went to school for the first time in a week. Monday afternoon I had him call his mother and step-father (about three weeks ago his step-father grabbed his throat hard enough to leave bruises. Police had come to the scene but accepted the step-father's explanation the young man had choked when his t-shirt had gotten hung up.). Since he'd been gone, they'd realized the mistake that is child abandonment and predictably reported him as a runaway. They didn't tell him that, just used caller i.d. to locate where the call came from and then called the police. Twenty minutes later an officer showed up at the door.

 

He took the young man to the police station, while his partner and I talked. The officer started off with the old 'kidnapping' warning and got an earful (respectfully) from me. He started taking notes by the second sentence and we talked for over thirty minutes while I showed him around the house include the private room with its own lock that the young man had slept in over the weekend. When the officer returned to talk to the officer who had taken the young man downtown, their notes compared and made much more sense than the story the mother told them.

 

Now, the young man didn't get off scot free. There's some community service involved, mandatory attendance at a program designed to help teens from troubled homes, and the CPS is doing an investigation. The step-father DID apologize for his assault, and they will be going through counseling to help with anger issues. Now, the young man involved is NOT totally blameless in all this, he made some mistakes too. The big difference is, HE stepped forward with the officers and juvenile PO and discussed them first. Not only that, he told them that after the weekend he'd decided what he wanted most NOW was a stable home so he could finish high school (Yeah, his words, his decision after about six hours of constant conversation and questions from me.)

 

Today, J stopped by with his mother after school. She asked if I'd mind him coming by during the week, after school and hanging out/getting help with homework. I was surprised at how...direct she was about things. According to her, she's blown away by the changes in her son's attitude, and when he said he understood there would be some punishment for the argument that led to him leaving the house she decided to not ground him.

 

She also liked my brownies. (Nanny has a sweet tooth so I always have brownies or a cake at the house - I make a fresh set almost every day between her and the kids going in and out.)

 

Now, J is one of the younger ones, sixteen, and is one of the best of the kids that friends with my cousin's daughter. Today, Whitney (cousin's daughter) was gone all day, but half her friends came by during the afternoon. When I told them she wasn't home, they all shrugged and said they weren't there to see her. I let them in, and yeah the drank kool-aid, water, tea, or soda, had some brownies or fruit, but they spent more time talking to me and my grandparents than anything else. Looking back, I have to admit I was worried they were seeing this as a 'feeding' point and little more, but as I reviewed the conversations with them, I don't think it was.

 

Why?

 

Well, most of the talk was about their days, about school, about work, girlfriends or boyfriends (yeah, they all know I'm gay), and stuff like that. They actually wanted me to listen to what they were saying, and wanted to hear what I thought about things. Most of them (it was about seven total through the afternoon/evening) also asked about how things had gone with Nanny and Papa. Two of them were going to walk to a nearby store, and asked me if I'd mind Papa going with them. At eighty-six, papa is physically very healthy and likes to sneak out for a walk. Since this was a great chance for him to get out, I told them to ask him and he readily agreed.

 

For the past two nights, he's snuck off and we've had to go looking for him. Tonight he didn't sneak off because these guys took him for that walk. I didn't ask them to, didn't expect them to even think of that, but they did and he was happy as a clam when he got home from the walk. Over the weekend, two of the guys had also helped me pick up all the garbage Papa had strewn over the yard. I didn't ask for help, but when I told them that was what I was doing, they offered to join in.

 

When these guys come over, and when they leave, I get a big hug from them, not by my initiation, but by theirs. Several of them do the same with Nanny and Papa as well, and I wonder just what their parents are thinking. Most of the kids have some sort of problems with their parents, ranging from simply not being home when the kids are, to drug and alcohol use by the parents. One of them blew my mind away today when he told me that he was glad he was welcome over here because he never got the attention or home-cooked food at home.

[ethan thorn]

well i hope eveything goes well for you sounds like there is fun and bad times there some times kids need someone older to talk to because for one reason or another they cant talk about it to there parents. i hope you make a change in there lifes and they turn out to be good people. and i hope your grandparents do well. just hang in there it should get better.

[Crackerwriter]

Thanks for that DK. It just goes to further my own ideas that less and less parents are bothered about their kids and are more selfishly only concerned about themselves.

 

It makes me wonder what kind of psychological damage is being done to these youngsters as a result. I think your findings certainly give insight into this.

 

It also explains why I used to get 'friends of friends' just stopping by to chat over a cup of coffee, and that it wasn't just me, but that they just needed someone who would genuinely listen to their worries and needs. I too, used to feed one lad who almost lived with me permanently. His mother had my number so that she could always get hold of him if she wanted. His father had left home when he was seven. She'd even come by herself some days just to chat, - she was around the same age as me - and she always asked if I minded him being there. I told her he was never a problem; he'd always do what he had to do. She literally couldn't afford to feed him properly as a growing lad typically demolishes food. He's around 28 now and has his own place, but he keeps in touch and is never afraid to ask for advice if he needs to.

 

It's also nice to hear that you are providing such care for your elderly relatives instead of shoving them into a home like so many do these days. Good on you!

 

[Myr]

Dan, I'm so glad that you're there for people that need it. It cheers me up to think that those people have someone to turn to when they need help. Thanks for the update. It was uplifting.

[BillM]

Dan, reading how you have helped those kids has made me smile for the first time in days. You're a really good person.

[Sparhawk]

God, Dan I just want to jump in a car and come into town and give you hand, but, it does sound like you have it well under control. My only sad point is not seing more of "Dawn of Tears" and "Do Over". But what you have going takes much more precendence than any stories. Keep up the good work and my prayers are with you.

 

Mike

[dkstories]

Thanks guys...a further update...we rushed my Aunt Carol to the hospital earlier this week. She had a bad Urinary Track Infection and is now pretty much delirious 24/7. She's been forbidden from driving, and really won't likely recover much mentally even if the infection is cured.

 

Aunt Carol lives with Grandma Kirk who is the one who sprained her ankle several months ago and has several non-mental health problems. The Beachwood Zoo (grandma Kirk's house on Beachwood Drive) is where my computer is and where I've been living since April to help take care of them. Since then I was hired to take care of my maternal grandparents, the ones with Alzheimer's, who live right around the corner on Myrtlewood.

 

Aunt Carol not being able to drive anymore means I'm the only person in either household who can drive...and that means even more problems for me. How we're going to get through this, I'm just not sure, but we will somehow.

[Crackerwriter]

If the going gets tough Dan, just remember it's ok to ask for help. One person can't be expected to do everything, and you will need a break sometime yourself.

 

Best Wishes mate - you're doing a grand job.

[dkstories]

If the going gets tough Dan, just remember it's ok to ask for help.  One person can't be expected to do everything, and you will need a break sometime yourself.

 

Best Wishes mate - you're doing a grand job.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

 

 

Thanks...Myr was asking if I was going to do a halloween story and I think I just might. Today we cleaned up my aunt Carol's bedroom. Now, from the smell we've known it was bad, but until we went in there today, there was no realizing just HOW bad. Imagine a sheetless bed stained with piss, sh*t, and about a half gallon of old ice cream that has been sitting there for weeks. Then imagine about two dozen empty ice cream cartons, well, empty except for the residue left over after most of it is gone, and they've been sitting there for months. Then dirty clothes, clean clothes, and general trash all on the floor, and then dog and cat piss and sh*t as well all over the floor, walls, and bed.

 

None of us would look in there for the last few months and now we knew why. Six hours with bleach, lysol, and cleaners galore and it now smells good...yeah bleach and assorted cleaners, but that's so much better than how it was...still we have more cleaning to do...

[Bill W]

Dan, I tip my hat to you. I have also taken care of relatives with alzheimers (my father-in-law and an aunt) and I understand how difficult that can be. It's not easy going from a good day, where things are pretty normal for them and they understand what's happening and who's around them, to the bad days, where everything is totally a blank for them. Besides the memory problems, there was also the continence issues and dealing with control of bodily functions. It's not an easy job and it takes a very special person to do all of that for them.

 

As for as the others, I see a little of Josh Currie in you and I applaud your efforts. I have always believed that was problem children were only the result of bad parents. In other circumstances, I feel the majority of these children would have turned out just fine. Most young people just need positive attention and support to thrive, and combined with a little encouragement, they could blossom. I think you are discovering that for yourself and I'm sure some day the rewards for your efforts will be heaped upon you ten-fold.

 

If there is any way I can help, please feel free to let me know.