Football Hero (Sneak Peaks)

[David McLeod]

Okay, fellow serious authors. I challenge you. Please check "Football Hero" in the "Sneak Peaks" forum...the one posted today, not the old one. The two stories start the same and end the same, but there's a very non-subtle difference. I would like to hear from serious authors, editors, and readers: which moved you the most (if at all), and why?

[DomLuka]

Spoiler Alert

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I may not be the best person to ask when it comes to comparisons (I can get easily confused) but I

[David McLeod]

Spoiler Alert

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I may not be the best person to ask when it comes to comparisons (I can get easily confused) but I'm going to say I like the second version better. The first thing that popped out at me was during the conversation when Adam says "I want friends like that" which felt a lot more touching and a lot more believable for "someone like him" to say "How can I have friends?" The second version makes him seem more vulnerable, friendly. I want to give him a hug.

 

Also in the second version, I like the conversation between Adam and Jeff where Jeff explains his car situation. Jeff saying that he and Gary aren't gay, IMO, brought a lot more to the story at that moment

[DomLuka]

Thank you. You've given me a lot to think about. I appreciate your taking the time to analyze and answer. Frankly, I didn't see the irony, and wasn't looking for that.

 

 

 

In case I made no sense....

 

The irony for me came when the

[David McLeod]

In case I made no sense....

 

The irony for me came when the "football hero" was with the "not friends" and they came across Jeff. You leave a lot to be imagined here, which I thought suited this story nicely. But in the second version, with Jeff not being gay, and these boys wanting to attack him thinking that he is, seems ironic to me. With what we were given I can only assume that Adam tries to become a hero. Maybe he ends up coming out. Maybe he just gets in the way. This is the part of the story that really makes you think about how easily it is to judge someone before knowing who they are. I'm not by any means saying that these boys would have a right to do what they did if Jeff had been gay. I'm just saying that it's very sad how some people, in many situations, have a tendency to blow up before they have all the facts.

 

This may not have been an angle you were going for, but it is what I, personally, left your story with. And in case I didn't make it clear, I did enjoy it (especially the second version) If anything, I wouldn't mind more personal details, to get to know these characters a little more before that final chapter.

 

 

Ah! Epiphany. (If I'd read your first post a little more carefully, the epiphany would have come sooner.)