[DomLuka] Editing Help

[B1ue]

Hey, if I was to post a rough draft of a story here, would people be willing to give me feedback? Even minor stuff like grammer and spelling eludes me, so it will be pretty hard for some people to take. My creative writing class called the first section soap opera quality, so that might turn off a lot of people too. But I really need the help, especially the portions I'm writing right now. So yeah, please get your editing hats on and help out a young kid in need.

 

I'm going to post the first third of the story, which my class has thrashed pretty effectively already, and so should be presentable. The next third, which I'm writing now, is in a far less pretty state.

-Pedro

[B1ue]

Cruel Summer

Prologue: Light Up a Cigarette

 

Jeremy wakes at dawn from a dream about a green-eyed blonde named Joshua. This is not important, or so Jer would have you believe.

[Sparhawk]

This is quite good Blue. I am looking forward to more of it. However if I had found on someother story site, I most likely would not have read it. It takes a while to really get into it. Something that might help you was a writer's guide that was posted on Nifty today.

 

The Hook

 

It is about making sure that your story grabs readers right from the start of the story.

 

Looking forward to more.

 

Mike

[B1ue]

Thank you Mike. I'll read the article, and think about what you've said. For the record, I hate the prologue that I have, I honestly think the poem is probably enough, but I figured that if I have it written, I might as well put it out so that you all can have as complete a picture of this as possible.

 

The rest of this is the first part of where I really start needing help. I'll probably space these out by weeks, so that people have time to actually look at them.-Pedro

*******************

 

Part 2: You Love Me, But...

Chapter 1: La Tortura

Tommy yearns for a drink. He can't think of a time he wanted the bitter, burning, blur of alcohol more than at this moment. Anything to muffle the sound of Jake's laughter, and block the sight of Drew, laid out on top of Jake, tickling the younger boy, grasping at handfuls of flesh as Jake bucks wildly underneath. Tommy knows where Jer keeps his good liquor, the quadruple distilled vodka, the gold tequila, and the absinthe, but Jer would instantly notice if so much as a shot was missing, and Tommy does not want to answer the inevitable questions. But still, he is imagining the taste of a good Long Island Ice Tea as he draws. A long, slightly curved sword appears on the page, followed by intricate, gleaming armor and a twisted expression of rapture. Instead of eyes, Tommy leaves two black ovals, and smudges the pastel so that their shadow dominates the face.

 

A loud squeal pulls his attention back to his apartment; Drew's found a new spot on the hyper-ticklish Jake to manipulate: the small of his back. Tommy barely manages not to snort in disgust. If Jake wanted, he could pick the slight Drew off of him and throw him across the room, but he's enjoying himself far too much to do that. That's why Tommy draws a long line of crimson on the green steel of the blade. He's just starting to color the background a copper-orange when Jer walks in wearing a shirt that same color.

 

"Hey y'all," he says, not really looking as he charges through the apartment on his way to change in his room. Though he's probably the only Campus Security Officer that looks decent in the uniform, his medium brown skin complimenting the shirt's color well, he can't stand to wear it. "It's the principle of the thing," he'll tell you. That