Virtual Presence

[Raijen]

So I've been really getting into the Internet recently, chatting with people and making friends through forums and websites. Over the past few days, I've come to realize that I feel more comfortable interacting with people over the web than in real life, and it kinda worries me, though I'm not sure why.

 

I already knew I am an introvert, that I don't feel the need to socialize very often, and I made peace with that a while back. But I've been chatting with someone that I really find to be interesting, and even though we've only met once in real life, we chat for several hours every night. It's become a habit, I guess you could say, but one that gives me a bit of comfort.

 

My question really is this: Has anyone else developed feelings for another person over the web, and if so, what are your thoughts on the phenomenon? Is it good? Bad? Just another aspect of reality? I ask because, at the end of the day, I'm not sure how I should feel about the fact that I'm falling for someone I really don't know.

[Sara Alva]

Obviously, there's some risk involved. I had friends develop not-so-great relationships with not-so-great people online. You have to make sure you're smart and safe about what you're doing . . . never meet anyone alone or in unfamiliar territory, etc. etc. (I'm sure you've heard all that before).

 

That being said, I met someone in a chat room once . . . talked on the phone for months before visiting for the first time . . . and now we've been married for a year.

 

I think this phenomenon is part of our brave new world of internet usage.

 

Oh, and BTW, just because you see someone face-to-face doesn't mean you can't "fall for them" without really knowing them . . . had that happen to me once too.

[DragonMando]

I'm also an introvert, and also more comfortable online. That said, though, I can make friends in the real world too.

 

There is risk involved, no matter where the relationship begins. The part that people forget about is that they can get hurt in the same ways both places. So far, all of my best friendships have been forged online, though I have been burned on occasion that way. I've made lesser friends in the real world and been burned by them too.

 

I think the main difference is that in the real world, just how shy and withdrawn I am becomes scathingly apparent. I'll remain silent for hours without thinking about it because it's that deeply ingrained into me to shut up so I can't interrupt anyone--because that's how I was raised. Children were to be seen and not heard, and if you're unmarried, you're still a child.

 

On the Internet, however, I gain a voice and I use it. Sometimes to my detriment, because once in a while I'll give a major TMI moment to someone who doesn't appreciate the joke. Even my friends in the real world, if they want to have a deep, meaningful conversation with me, we have to go to msn or skype, because seeing a face in front of me layers on the intimidation so thick that I'm essentially paralyzed by the fears my parents taught me. My one escape from this, without resorting to the Internet, is my U-21 club. I'm almost as whack there as I am online and people seem to enjoy it when I get briefly brave enough to crack a joke or read a poem.

 

However, the best place to hear what I think is on the web, and probably always will be. Because here I can be myself without getting trolled out there.

[Marzipan]

So I've been really getting into the Internet recently, chatting with people and making friends through forums and websites. Over the past few days, I've come to realize that I feel more comfortable interacting with people over the web than in real life, and it kinda worries me, though I'm not sure why.

 

I already knew I am an introvert, that I don't feel the need to socialize very often, and I made peace with that a while back. But I've been chatting with someone that I really find to be interesting, and even though we've only met once in real life, we chat for several hours every night. It's become a habit, I guess you could say, but one that gives me a bit of comfort.

 

My question really is this: Has anyone else developed feelings for another person over the web, and if so, what are your thoughts on the phenomenon? Is it good? Bad? Just another aspect of reality? I ask because, at the end of the day, I'm not sure how I should feel about the fact that I'm falling for someone I really don't know.

 

 

I have found one of my best and dearest friends through internet. She knows all my secrets and I feel we've known for ages. So it's different to form relationships irl.

[Cyhort]

I met my boyfriend online and we've been together for over three years and for the most part all my online friendships have been better than my real life ones. I'd say I'm very pro-online social life, lol.

[TetRefine]

The internet is a great place to meet people who you would never meet otherwise. If it weren't for the internet (GA in particular), I would have never met my boyfriend and my life would be vastly different then it is right now. I have also met many great friends who I strictly have just an online friendship with. But I think if a person has nothing but internet friendships and does not interact with and socialize with people in real life, they are spiraling down a sad slope of isolation, failure, and loneliness.

[Y_B]

The internet is a great medium for enriching your life and meeting new people but it should under no circumstances act as a replacement for your "real" life. It only complements it.

 

With that being said....I found that you can get to know someone really well through the virtual medium but there's something about a person's true essence that doesn't transcribe itself cyberly, especially text. When you're IMing with someone, you don't get to see their expressions, notice body language, quirks, emphasis, etc and those little things are important.

[Stargazer]

In this day and age, I believe internet relationships are just as real and acceptable as 'in person' ones are. I've met quite a few people online through various message boards or websites that I've had the pleasure of meeting in real life and we've been friends for years. Some I've met were less than stellar.

 

I think it's absolutely normal to have feelings for someone you haven't met in person but spend a lot of time with online. Of course, you have to be careful and safe in a virtual or real life situation. For the most part, when you spend time with someone online, you do get to know them in a more comfortable way and a lot of times it is without that uncomfortable or awkward way we have sometimes in person. Your main communication IS communication so that's kind of nice. The downside is not being able to see their reactions and hear the tone of their comments. All kinds of pros and cons but it's just as real.

 

And of course, as other people have said, the internet relationship can't be your entire life. If you're hiding out from the outside world, it may be a problem. Good luck and be safe!

[Raijen]

Well, it's definitely nice to know I'm not a weirdo for developing feelings for someone online. Thanks for all the perspective, it really has helped me put a few pieces down in their proper places, and I'll be careful. Lol. Been hurt enough times that I know to take it slow, enjoy the ride and whatnot. I figure in the next few weeks or so I'll be meeting up with him again, this time maybe have a proper date and all... Lord knows that some physical proximity would definitely answer a few more questions.

 

And just so ya know... You guys are pretty neat people.

[Zolia Lily]

i LOVE the fact we're all so pro-internet... i mean... we are online, right? Sooo different to the discussions they have in newspapers / on tv panels etc. But i'm totally with you.

I started to make some really close friends online last year... friends i feel closer to and that i know better than some of the people i know in real life. I love them and care about them soooo deeply. It's completely changed my life and i cannot imagine being without them now. I'm even going to meet one this year :D

My sister get's really antsy about it and thinks it's really weird, but i don't see why. People have been having pen-friends for hundreds of years (don't ask me for proof, btw. i just know.) and to me this is just pen friends on a whole 'nother level!

The friends i've made online are soooo important to me. I think there's a really important different meeting people in real life and meeting online. There's a level of anonymity at first that lets you be yourself without being as shy as normal or as awkward in public as normal (speaking for myself here...) For me, it's actually more honest, which means the friendships are more open and more relaxed... i talk about anything with my online friends, and i know i can.

I think i'd die without the internet.

Or at least go into a massive withdrawal and possibly never recover.

 

@Raijen- good on you, and hope it goes well

[DragonMando]

The internet is a great medium for enriching your life and meeting new people but it should under no circumstances act as a replacement for your "real" life. It only complements it.

 

With that being said....I found that you can get to know someone really well through the virtual medium but there's something about a person's true essence that doesn't transcribe itself cyberly, especially text. When you're IMing with someone, you don't get to see their expressions, notice body language, quirks, emphasis, etc and those little things are important.

 

Which, of course, is completely worthless if you're like me *sigh* If I'm having a day less-affected by my brain than usual, I might pick up some body language, but I have never once read it correctly. The few times I have picked it up at all, I read it completely backward. For example, apparently someone was flirting with me last week and I thought he was just ignoring me. Then someone told me later that he was flirting and I was all O_O wat. Actually, I rather not being able to read people at all, because then I'm too naive and stupid to think about ulterior motives and backstabbing and stuff XD

 

Again, yay Internet. It gives me more time to think about my responses and read deeper into the situation without feeling pressed for time (awkward silence breeds like rabbits around me). Thus fewer misunderstandings.

Edited January 20, 2011 by DragonMando

[Nephylim]

People are people. If you form a relationship with someone there is a connection, and that doesn't have to be at a physical level. People form attachments for all kinds of reasons and fr me falilng in llove with someone's mind and personality can be just as real as physical attraction.

 

Yeah you have to be careful but if you make sure your first meeting is somewhere safe then after that there is no difference from meeting someone in a pub, club or anywhere else. There are many couples who meet on the internet who go on to have long, wonderful relationships. There are couples who meet and find they have nothing in common in 'real' life and it all goes wrong... just like people who meet anywhere else.

 

Viva la internet (yeah shoot me I don't speak whatever language that is )

[Raijen]

Viva la internet (yeah shoot me I don't speak whatever language that is )

 

Lol That's proper Spanish, Nephylim.

 

It's actually interesting that you chose Spanish, because the way that Romance languages are set up, it's possible to imply respect depending on how your conjugate your verbs. By using the formal "you" verbs, a person insinuates a certain degree of distance or respect (for example, if you don't really know someone, you use the formal "you", just in case there is anyone who doesn't speak Spanish, French, etc...).

 

The reason I find it interesting is because I like the respect that's built into the grammar. For people like me, to be able to signal that need/desire for distance is important, and I think that's one reason I like virtual presence. It's another degree of distance from people.

 

I also find that it's easier to be honest with strangers. Perhaps it's because there is less to lose if they reject, while with friends/family/lovers there is more emotional investment and hence a greater need to retain that connection? Anyone else have thoughts on this phenomenon?

[Cyhort]

 

I also find that it's easier to be honest with strangers. Perhaps it's because there is less to lose if they reject, while with friends/family/lovers there is more emotional investment and hence a greater need to retain that connection? Anyone else have thoughts on this phenomenon?

 

Oh, totally. I find myself telling things to strangers that I'd never even think of telling my parents or RL friends all the time. For the exact reason you said too. If a stranger gets freaked out by something you lost, what, maybe a few days of emails or IM conversation? If someone in your daily life gets freaked out you have to deal with that every freaking day.

[Kavrik]

Internets ppl have such high expectations to live up to that it depresses me. I was talking with my friend "Nysem" about this the other day as he pointed out there was a social stigma by switching guilds on World of Warcraft to one that wasn't as respected. I responded that I too was guided by the important opinions of "Ieatnoobs" and "hairybalsac" and didn't know what I would do if "eatcatpoo" thought less of me. /sigh Life is so difficult sometimes.

[Nephylim]

Lol That's proper Spanish, Nephylim.

 

I also find that it's easier to be honest with strangers. Perhaps it's because there is less to lose if they reject, while with friends/family/lovers there is more emotional investment and hence a greater need to retain that connection? Anyone else have thoughts on this phenomenon?

 

:)

 

You are so right that it is easier to be honest with strangers. For me, I don't think it has anything to do with respect. Its more the fact that I can't hear the hysterical giggling on the other side of the conversation.

 

Internets ppl have such high expectations to live up to that it depresses me. I was talking with my friend "Nysem" about this the other day as he pointed out there was a social stigma by switching guilds on World of Warcraft to one that wasn't as respected. I responded that I too was guided by the important opinions of "Ieatnoobs" and "hairybalsac" and didn't know what I would do if "eatcatpoo" thought less of me. /sigh Life is so difficult sometimes.

 

I know his brother 'sicasadog from the ' Do u Want a Twatting' guild which I eschewed for the 'No But u Could Do With a Slapping' guild