Gaydar

[AFriendlyFace]

Hey everyone, so I wanted to ask you guys your opinion on something. First though, let me start with a brief description of my situation and stuff. I'm currently in my final year of (undergraduate) college (I'll probably be going straight into grad school though). Anyway so last week I'm in one of my classes, and for the first time I notice this really cute guy (yeah I don't know why it took 2 months to notice him, I guess it's because, in all honesty, I'm kinda spacey and often just lost in my own thoughts, plus I think he usually sat further in the back than me), anyway he's really cute and I THOUGHT I was getting "gay vibes" from him, so I go sit next to him, and manage to come up with a couple of casual things to say, but we don't really get into a real conversation (after all class was starting).

 

So anyway today I have the class again, and again I go sit next to him, and acknowledge him with a friendly smile, but this time I'd barely gotten there before class began, so I didn't get to talk. Well when class ends, I'm pleasently surprised that he strikes up a light conversation with me. So anyway we chat casually for the time it takes to actually get out of the classroom (it takes a little while since everyone's leaving at once), but then when we leave the classroom, still chatting, I very foolishly turn right (because that's the direction of the parking lot), whereas I can see he's going to go left, why it didn't occur to me to just walk with him in that direction for awhile, and then go do something in our student union (I mean there's always something you can do once you get there, or I COULD have just turned around after he'd left), I'll never know, I guess because I'm (A) a total dumb*** sometimes and ( B ) because it was going pretty well and I didn't want to give myself a chance to ruin it.

 

So anyway I leave feeling pretty good about the whole thing overall, and when I get home I decided to get online. So I get online and check out this website, facebook, which is basically a site that has a branch at many of the universities throught the nation, it has people's profiles, pictures, and messaging capability. So anyway when I get on it occurs to me to try to "facebook him", which wasn't a problem since it also gives you a list of people who are taking the same classes as you, and he was on the very first page. Anyway I check out his profile and take note of a couple of things, like the fact that under "interested in" he's listed women, and under "interests" as well as a few other routine things he's listed "girls". So I'm actually pretty shocked, I mean I didn't think I could really be positive just by looking at him, but once I'd spoken to him a few times, I was really sure he was gay, heck I was even thinking he was interested since the second time he initiated the conversation. I know it's unfair to go by steriotypes, but really I think if any third party person was likely to guess, they'd guess I was straight and he was gay, not the other way around. Oh yeah one more thing, on facebook there's this section where your friends can leave you public messages, it's usually just "happy birthday" or "dude, you missed a great time this weekend" and the like, but anyway this one girl had left a message joking with him about how she'd confiscated a purple bracelet he had, and that he should thank her because he was already coming off as gay anyway.

 

So now I really don't know what to think. I was glad to see that message his friend had left because at the very least it means I wasn't the only one who thought he was gay. I mean I'd never come on to a straight guy. But I figure another option is that he's just not "out" (actually neither am I, but on my profile I left blank all the things that would definitively point to a sexuality, which in and of itself is a clue I suppose if you're looking), so if he's a closet case well that's certainly more complicated, heck I thought I was the one who was going to be the complicated closet case (and believe me I wouldn't have a problem if we were alone, or around people in public I didn't know, or with one set of friends I have that I am out to, and besides all that I think I'd be ready to come out if I found a meaningful relationship,,,,,anyway see how easy it is for me to get off topic :-P). What I was trying to get at was that I really was interested in this guy, I really thought he was gay, and I still think he may be. If he's just not out, but he's dealt with all that stuff in his own head, then there's no problem, if he's just starting to/or still coming to terms with it, then fine I'm happy to be there and be supportive etc. But if he's actually in denial, I don't think I want to go there, I might just make things worse for him, not to mention having a lot of drama on my hands. And of course if he's just really NOT gay, then obviously I want to drop it before I make a fool of myself and freak him out.

 

So what does everyone think?? and how can you tell if someone's gay or not?

Edited October 12, 2005 by AFriendlyFace

[Bao]

ask him?

[Sparhawk]

First off, if someone does not want anyone to know he is gay at that sage in their life they do date as much as they can. The signs are there but you can never know for sure. Just stay his friend and let time do it work, eventually you will find out the truth. Even if he is striaght, you could end up having a great friend.

 

Mike

[reapersharvest]

I've never really defined any criteria, I judge on a case by case basis. There are so many 'species' as well, like preppy, frat, club kid, executive, etc. Who knows? I do know a lot of it comes through in their clothes, and not in the obvious way. Maybe it's just because I'm a bit of a fashionista that what some may see as two identitcal wall street types are in fact labelled distinctly by shoe or shirt choice. There are two different kinds of Urban Outfitters, for example. Dont think I'm stereotyping either, I've gotten this down to a science.

[Sparhawk]

Hmnnn, I think that I could throw a bit of a curve into your system there kiddo, I am really a noncomformist and my dress fits the mood at the time. I am comfortable in a Armini Suit or Obkosh Bib overalls and anything inbetween.

 

Heck the more worn the jeans are the more comfortable they are.

[Bao]

woosh, that just totally over the head there. no idea what those things are. lol

Edited October 12, 2005 by Bao

[gobears20022002]

Did you consider that he might be bisexual? I think Bao is right. Ask him. If he says no then you already said that you don't want to deal with the drama, so it won't matter if he is closeted or not. I can see why people want to be "out". I am sure that it makes it easier when it comes to dating(not that that is the only reason). Perhaps you could tell him that you are gay and he might feel comfortable opening up to you. I wouldn't do this in a school setting though. Perhaps you could ask him to have a drink or some social activity and become friends and learn that way.

[Conner]

Hey GB - does Mag know your giving relationship advice to gay men? Are you looking for a new career or what?

 

On the other hand, I agree with your advice.

 

I have no gaydar whatsoever. I'm lucky to catch the blatantly obvious. Save yourself a lot of time and grief and come out to this man if you really are interested. Just do it in a safe place, on your terms.

 

Other than that, frequent places/clubs/social circles where gays are. Birds of a feather flock together. Flocking is fun...I hear.

 

Hugs,

Conner

[gobears20022002]

Hey GB - does Mag know your giving relationship advice to gay men? Are you looking for a new career or what?

 

On the other hand, I agree with your advice.

 

I have no gaydar whatsoever. I'm lucky to catch the blatantly obvious. Save yourself a lot of time and grief and come out to this man if you really are interested. Just do it in a safe place, on your terms.

 

Other than that, frequent places/clubs/social circles where gays are. Birds of a feather flock together. Flocking is fun...I hear.

 

Hugs,

Conner

 

I don't know if she knows. I just believe relationships are the same no matter what the genders are. I just thought I would share my insight with others and hopefully help them.

[Rocketcnj]

Dear A Friendly Face,

 

I am like you in that I am often oblivious to Gaydar. I usually guess wrong (damn those metrosexuals)

 

I just read an article in "Details" magazine that said metrosexuals now basically use it to separate themselfes from we Gays and its almost become homophobic in nature (i.e. I am str8, I dress nice but hell no way am I Gay kinda thing)

 

So, got me as to being able to tell if someone is Gay. It could be that maybe he is listing girls/women as a being into them to throw off people who may think he is Gay but he wants the perception that he is str8. One doesn't really know what his situation is (i.e. home life, homophobic family, etc.)

 

So, maybe you need to become a detective of sorts....a good listener learns a lot (i.e. what one did on a weekend, etc.)

 

In any event, if you have a comfort level with him, you can drop hints that you are Gay. Maybe you can do that over time (i.e. invite him for coffee at the Student Union, get to know him.....see how that goes. It may be you become interested in him more or less interested.) It is also a good way to pratice your Gaydar skills and to treat it as a pretend date (ok so only you know its a date..but gives you social skills to practice what you like to do on a date, get to know someone...and hey, there are worse things...you could end up friends, you could end up running away that he wasn't worth it, you could end up married...(you never know)

 

so, play it by ear and see what happens....expect nothing and everything else is magically delicious:)

 

now, of course you can have in your backpack, the latest Advocate or Out Magazine or a rainbow sticker on a notebook...to give him some hints without you saying a word....I know its a bit cheesey..but what the heck....gives you an act of bravery in a subtle way...and oops it falls out of your back pack as you are putting in your other stuff into it....)

 

or just ask him...but I sense that may not work....especially if he is still in coming out stages, not sure, questioning etc.

 

I am not sure if my rambling helps but I wish you good luck in finding out....

 

For me, with all the metrosexuals at the gym I go to, I have had the same problem you have had..trying to guess "is he" or "isn't he" and I have to say it drives me crazy, particularly since there is more then one or two I would want to ask out...I can think of one guy in particular...but this is your post not mine....sorry..as I drift off to ramble land.

 

Michael

[NaperVic]

Speaking for myself, often times I mistakenly confuse Wishdar with Gaydar. Wishdar is where I Wish the person is gay and look for every possible sign (no matter how minute) that they 'could' be gay. Wishdar can put you in ackward situations. Gaydar is much more objective and doesn't get you in trouble so much.

 

I think the best advise has already been given by sparhawk 'Just stay his friend and let time do it work, eventually you will find out the truth. Even if he is straight, you could end up having a great friend.'

 

Vic

[reapersharvest]

Speaking for myself, often times I mistakenly confuse Wishdar with Gaydar. Wishdar is where I Wish the person is gay and look for every possible sign (no matter how minute) that they 'could' be gay. Wishdar can put you in ackward situations. Gaydar is much more objective and doesn't get you in trouble so much.

 

I think the best advise has already been given by sparhawk 'Just stay his friend and let time do it work, eventually you will find out the truth. Even if he is straight, you could end up having a great friend.'

 

Vic

 

I had a case of what I thought was "wishdar" with this guy I know. He was famously promiscuous so every female within arm's reach of me testified to his hetero sexuality. Turns out, it's now a tacitly aknowledged fact that he's secret lovers with another guy I know, who is not out, but at that phase I like to call "Insulting everyone's intelligence." And I got to say 'I told you so!'

[NaperVic]

I had a case of what I thought was "wishdar" with this guy I know. He was famously promiscuous so every female within arm's reach of me testified to his hetero sexuality. Turns out, it's now a tacitly aknowledged fact that he's secret lovers with another guy I know, who is not out, but at that phase I like to call "Insulting everyone's intelligence." And I got to say 'I told you so!'

 

Yeah reaper! You're gaydar sounds fine tuned and that your chooser isn't broken .

 

I can't say that for the rest of us

 

Vic 'Broken Chooser's Club Member'

[Kat]

Hi!

 

So, have you talked to this guy after you posted? Anything new happening?

 

I probably shouldn't attempt to give you advice because I am HORRIBLE with 'gaydar'. I always seem to accidentally find out. Like with my best friend from high school! I accidentally walked in on him ummm... 'entertaining' a guest my face was red for a looooong time lol I blame him for getting me addicted to slash fiction

 

I found out about another friend only because I was hitting on him and his boyfriend asked me nicely to leave his guy alone again, my face was very very red lol they found it amusing though.

 

I guess I just agree with everyone else and just get to know him. Invite him somewhere and 'hint' a little. If he's straight he most likely won't notice your hinting.. hopefully. Good luck!

 

 

.:Kat:.

[AFriendlyFace]

Hey everyone, thank you all so much for your advice and for taking the time to read about my problem.

 

Anyway I actually HAVEN'T gotten a chance to see him since, I only have that class on Tuesday and Thursday, and today I didn't go, because I stayed out too late last night having gone to another nearby city to visit a close friend for her birthday. I REALLY regret not going to class now (yeah a little bit because I should go of course, but mostly because I wanted to see what was going to happen with him.), but on the bright side, I'll have more to talk about Tuesday, I intend to ask him what I missed and stuff. And also I think I will take the advice of most of the people here, and just try to get to know him better and find out from there. I think I'll see if he maybe wants to grab a bite or something after class Tuesday. Anyway thanks everyone :-)

[Rocketcnj]

Good Luck and let us know how it goes:) fingers crossed. Hey, if he is straight..then you have the start of a friendship. If he is Gay, well, you at least have the start of a good friendship, if not more....so, we will be hoping all goes well and I will look forward to reading what happened:)

 

hey, maybe you missing class Thursday is destiny..you get to ask him for the class notes, what happened,d, can you copy his notes and for his being so cool can he take some time for a bite to eat with you and explain what happened in class, etc....(great opening line and of course ask how his weekend went, what did he do, anything special...share what happened with yours....its a start:)

 

Fingers crossed, good karma sent your way:) and excited for you. (and hoping he is Gay but if not, he sounds like a cool str8 guy to be friends with and a cool good friend is worth it, even if he is straight.)

 

Michael

[notTed]

Friendly, friendly, friendly.....Let's not forgo a golden opportunity, here.

 

No need to wait until Tuesday. Contact him now, borrow his notes and check on whether any assignments have been added, altered, etc. Don't want to be surprised on Tuesday, do you? Maybe make arrangements to meet at the Student Union or Library (or his room ).

 

Is he or isn't he? That is the question, of course. He may simply be responding to your clearly indicated desire to be friends. You just need to get in there and engage in that verbal 'probing' to see what you can determine. Music? Drop in the casual reference to George Michael, Melissa Etheridge, or Elton John (Or, "Just what is Eminem's issue? Think he may be overcompensating?") Depending on the reaction, you could confess a secret delight in old Judy Garland albums, but that may be a little obvious. TV? "What did you think of the Emmy's this year? Not Ellen's best effort, eh?" Or, "Isn't Karen a hoot? Gonna miss her and Jack when Will & Grace go off the air."

 

Naturally, I am a complete social bozo in these situations. Much better telling you what to do than going thru w/it myself.

 

Keep us posted.

[Sparhawk]

Good luck Friendly, just take it easy and go slow and get to know him. Who knows maybe that spark will get ignited and you will have what you dream of, or at least a good friends. It is nice to have a lover and I think that every one here thinks so too, but let me tell you, if it was not for my friends, well they are the gule that keeps me together.

 

Mike

[Jet]

Lots of good replies on this topic.

 

I know a couple of people said just ask him. Well, that is not always easy to do because it can be awkward especially if you yourself are not totally out because you are in effect outing yourself when you ask (why would you ask if you weren't gay unless asking for someone else).

 

The best thing to do is continue the conversations and get to know him better. I did like the idea of trying to drop some hints that you are gay to see if that sparks any interest. Like many have said here, you can't always tell by fashion these days. But if you listen to what the man says, you may pick up some hints. It could be something like what he did, a place he went, a movie, book, or whatever. Or it could be a phrase or words he used. Very subtle, but it could be a clue.

 

Use the one you both have in common: the class. I'm not sure what the class is, but you can use that subject to get into a good conversation. Perhaps you could even get together for a study session for a test or something like that. If he is indeed gay, and is closeted, you will have to build trust with him before he will 'out' himself to you.

 

If nothing else, enjoy the challenge! I'm sure it won't be the last time you have to do this (unless he is a big screaming queen and you two run off, get married, and live happily ever after...The End).

 

Jet

[Conner]

I'm not opposed to the approach you suggest, Jet, but it also has its risks. For example, he could fall in love with the guy in 3 to 6 months time, what then - especially if the guy's straight? Maybe it turns out that he really enjoys the friendship that develops, but the same question arises. Does he come out and risk the friendship? The guy could well be upset that he wasn't honest with him to begin with.

 

Hugs,

Conner

[Bender]

Here's my view: be careful with your heart. That's all from me.

[Rocketcnj]

Well here is my rambling opinion:

1. It is difficult to be careful with your heart when you really, really like someone.

2. Expect nothing, then whatever develops is icinng on the cake.

3. Is getting to know someone a lost art? Would it be so horrible to have a friendship, maybe more. I feel relationships of substance take time, whether it be friendship or end up as BF status.

4. If he is closeted, and if you decide to come out to him, it shows that you trusted him with coming out to him, then maybe he feels (once he knows you and sees he can trust you) he can come out to you.

5. Maybe he is just straight....and maybe he is Gay...who knows...getting to know him will help in that regard and to figure out that question.

6. It does take time to get to know someone..you have a forum to do it (the class, something in common anas college students)

7. Drop hints of your activities (i.e. went to go see certain movie and so and so is so hot and besides he can act too:) kind of thing or spent time with some so and so and his BF...maybe if I get lucky I will find somenone special for a Boyfriend, what about you? (it outs you, poses the question to him and of course do that when its appropriate, you feel comfortable, safe to do so and you are ready to hear the answer (which maybe he claims to be str8 (evidence appears its an open question) or having gotten to know you feels comfortable to tell you.

8. You can do that by being careful with your heart...(I see it as a way to develop socialization skills amongst the hotties...LOL and hey, you have nothing to lose and everything to gain, including a potentional new BF)

9. Its a way to get to know him, for him to get to know you.

10. I don't see it that he can be pissed for not telling him you are Gay (after all he is not telling you that he is Str8)...its not like you need to go up to someone and say "Hi, I am so and so and I'm Gay and how about you?" If you can look at it like you are getting to know him, see if you like him as a person/friend, then hey, maybe you can develop to feeling like he is worthy of being your BF (as Slaveboy said, protect your heart) or seeing if he is raging homophobe dressed in disguise for Halloween as a human being.

 

Just my rambling opinion and no matter what good luck:)

 

Michael

[Jet]

Well said, Michael!

 

[AFriendlyFace]

Thank you all so much for the support and advice, It really means alot to me. But unfortunately I don't really have anything new to report, we had a test last time (which on another note I think I mighta done pretty good on), so I didn't get to talk to him AT ALL. Anyway thanks again everyone and I'll keep ya posted

[Rocketcnj]

Thank you all so much for the support and advice, It really means alot to me. But unfortunately I don't really have anything new to report, we had a test last time (which on another note I think I mighta done pretty good on), so I didn't get to talk to him AT ALL. Anyway thanks again everyone and I'll keep ya posted

 

A test...geez, what is the Professor doing trying to mess up your potentional love life? LOL

 

Well, I am glad you did well and I hope that you keep us informed. I hope it will be good news for you on all counts (the hottie you like likes you and he is Gay and of course you did well on the test..yeah, that too:)

 

Good Luck and keep us posted!

 

Michael