Repressing sexual desires

[SolarMaxx]

I'm starting to wonder if it's possible to repress part of yourself without damaging the whole. . .

[Cia]

That depends on what you're suppressing and why. Humans desire sex as a natural connection to others--but if it harms someone else, or yourself, then it's not a good connection and can hurt you more than its worth. We have the ability to use reason, though that can be hard to do when feelings are involved. All in all, your question is quite vague so it's hard to know what exactly is going on and how to reply.

[Gene Splicer PHD]

Well, what are you repressing? A desire to steal buses? Holding back when you want to say something rude? The need for one more potato chip? A giggle?

 

Or are you talking about....sexuality or the act of sex? Those can be repressed too, but with more difficulty, but it can be done. There are gay and bi people in straight, monogamous relationships. They abstain from gay sex (and may repress the desire for it) because of their relationship with their spouse. There are religious people that abstain from sex for religious reasons. Repression takes many forms. Not all of them are bad.

 

If you are repressing your sexuality (since I think that's what this is about), look at your reasons for doing that. Are they based in principles and morals, or based in fear? Anytime you repress something out of fear, consider the source of the fear. If you are repressing sexuality because you want to reject it, consider why you want to do that. 

 

I remember when I actively did not want to be gay. I repressed it, and did so successfully for quite a few years. It was unhealthy, and became nearly an obsession, because I came up with rules about how I could act in certain situations. I wasn't "allowed" to look at other guys. I wasn't "allowed" to flirt, or be flirted with. I actively avoided situations with other men, because I didn't want to create situations where those "rules" could even possibly come into play. I avoided gay people, because they were breaking the rules and I didn't want to be reminded that if they could break the rules, maybe I could too.

 

It was pretty unhealthy, and stressful. So after some therapy, and some good old exposure to gay life, I accepted that it wasn't going away, and I figured at that point that I needed to come up with some new guidelines (not rules) for how I wanted to be gay. And eventually, came out and nothing really changed, although I lost friendships (with people that didn't deserve the relationship anyway). But it was a long time between accepting myself and telling anyone about it.

 

Here's the thing: If you're as conflicted as you sound, please find someone to talk with about this - a therapist or counselor, a coming out support group. You do not have to figure all this out by yourself, alone.  I think you should be talking to people who feel as you do, and see if there are maybe, possibly, some ways for you to find out that being okay with being bi IS okay.

 

Let's pretend that you decide one day that you're just fine with being who you are, regardless of your sexuality. You discard the ideas in your head that make your sexuality "wrong". And you don't tell a soul. You keep the fact that you're okay with your sexuality to yourself. Not every revelation needs a publisher, right? Your sexuality is your business, and no one else's - whether that's bi or gay or straight or zoo-like. No one else needs to know unless you think they do.

 

Because that's what it's about: becoming okay with being bi. You know what happens when you accept that part of yourself for what it is? Nothing. You won't develop a rainbow halo, or suddenly "look queer". 

 

 

So guess what happens? 

You'll be able to sleep at night.

You'll be more honest with yourself.

You'll be happier in your own skin.

You'll see others clearly, without your fears and "rules" clouding your judgment.

 

After that, if you think others need to be told that you're "different", you'll be able to see how they might react with a clear head, and decide if they need to know, or not. 

 

So go find some people to talk to. I promise, it's a lot better than trying to figure this out on your own. And it's not scary. It's scary to begin, and to ask for help, but so are a lot of things. You are a human being - top of the food chain, ruler of all you survey: You CAN look at these things and work through them. What holds you back is probably fear, and THAT is something you CAN repress.

Edited September 22, 2014 by Gene Splicer PHD

[Irritable1]

Simplistic as it sounds, I think people who are in a monogamous relationship are suppressing sexual desires often just because we have to find a way to turn attractions to other people back into the relationship somehow... or fight them. I married really young too, and I remember an older friend saying to me incredulously, "You mean you really thought you'd go your whole life and never feel attracted to anyone else?"

 

But it's a lot easier to deal with feelings for third parties if you can talk about them with your partner.

 

Solar, I'm in a somewhat similar position to yours because I'm "theoretically" bi and straight in practice. I was able to discuss this with my husband before we got married though, and I don't feel like I'm suffering from not having been in a same-sex relationship. Over the last couple decades I've had a few same-sex attractions (among opposite-sex ones) that I've told my husband about and occasionally discussed with my friends or my therapist (whom I see for other reasons). As Gene says above, if I'd had to deal with it on my own, it would have been a lot harder.

 

It's definitely good advice for you to find someone to talk to.

Edited September 22, 2014 by Irritable1

[SolarMaxx]

That depends on what you're suppressing and why. Humans desire sex as a natural connection to others--but if it harms someone else, or yourself, then it's not a good connection and can hurt you more than its worth. We have the ability to use reason, though that can be hard to do when feelings are involved. All in all, your question is quite vague so it's hard to know what exactly is going on and how to reply.

Good point! That is a vague statement.  If a person is truly attracted to both sexes and chooses to commit to a person of a particular gender, it seems the other half of their sexual profile -- being essentially unexpressed -- becomes repressed by default. I wonder if that has a damaging long-term psychological effect. Or can it be benignly ignored? 

[Cia]

That assumes that a person who is bisexual doesn't feel complete without having a relationship with both sexes... which is an assumption I really, really hate. It's led to a lot of bias against people who say they are bi--especially men. There's a lot of 'you can't like men, and date a woman, because really you're gay and you're just using them as a beard/suppressing your true sexuality' that also leads a lot to people assuming someone who is bisexual will cheat, no matter what, because they can't be fulfilled in a relationship with a partner of only one sex.

 

Hogwash. Acting like that just means that person is a scuzzy cheater--not a bisexual.

 

Bisexuality means people have the capacity to feel attraction for EITHER sex... not that a bisexual person needs a relationship or sex with both genders to feel fulfilled. Those stereotypical judgments, quite often from gay people, really bother me. I'm bisexual. I have had crushes and attraction to people of both genders as far back as I can remember. Even though I grew up with a bigot for a parent, I never worried about the gender of a person I was attracted to, though I did keep my same sex adventures to myself for self-preservation reasons. I had a wide open playing field as a bisexual woman... because for me, it was the person, not their personal bits, that would seal the deal when I found someone I really wanted to be with.

 

By 19 I married the man I began dating at 16. He knows I'm bi. He actually appreciates that I'll point out hot women, or go to strip clubs with him, but I've never acted on any attraction I've felt for women in the 17 years we've been together. I don't feel like I'm unhappy or missing out on anything, either. So stop and think about how you view your sexuality if you're bi... because it may just be you need to change your mindset to approach it from a new angle.

[Irritable1]

Good point! That is a vague statement.  If a person is truly attracted to both sexes and chooses to commit to a person of a particular gender, it seems the other half of their sexual profile -- being essentially unexpressed -- becomes repressed by default. I wonder if that has a damaging long-term psychological effect. Or can it be benignly ignored? 

 

I guess it depends on what you mean by "unexpressed."  I think there can be a tendency to think of people outside a marriage as this open field of undemanding sexual partners, but they're still people with feelings. If I were to act on a same-sex attraction, I wouldn't just be expressing myself, I'd be in an interaction with a third person, whom I'd then have to consider also. And I'm happy (and, ok, fully extended) in the relationship I have. I don't want to deal with another partner.

 

Edit: Or to rephrase that: I'm living in a house with three extroverts and two pet rats. I'm not having an affair with a woman who will be ANOTHER person I have to interact with and you can't make me   

 

But again, I'm free to "express myself" by talking about my feelings as much as I like. So have that outlet and it makes life pretty easy.

Edited September 23, 2014 by Irritable1