Westie

so the first thing you have to understand is... im not ever the best looking guy in the room. I am overweight... i carry it well but still... its an issue for me. I am self conscious about my hair and... well... uhmmm... lets just say i wouldn't mind a few more inches. Quite frankly, i have no idea why anyone would find me remotely attractive. but someone does... he told me so... he told me he loved me... he told me everything would be ok... and i believe him. i trust in him completely. So i have a few body image issues i have to deal with... up until now they mattered a great deal... now they hardly matter at all... except that now i don't sit here in self loathing - i want to better myself, for him and for me. I know that we have a rocky road. one day we will have to confront my issues - how to be "out" in a family that will never accept it - but right here, right now... im thinking this is forever. West

Well Happy Birthday Mark. And i want to thank you, because your stories have really helped me, and i dont think you get the credit you deserve. Your stories are so life affirming, they have inspired me to change my own life. The fact that you provide these stories for free is wonderful... because you are easily good enough to be published. When i get impatient for new chapters, i always try to remember that i am taking from you more than i give. So many happy returns to you. I hope your special day is everything you want it to be

Life is full of events... the things that make you laugh, things that make you cry, things that make you want to scream, things that make your heart race... There are big things... major events that shape us... and they help make us the people we are. But lately, i have come to appreciate the little things in life... because it is the little things that for me have been so exhilarating... "I love you".... a text in the middle of a bad day... a random kiss... and it is making my life worthwhile West

someone told me he loved me today... and it was beautiful that is all.

Love... it is an interesting dance. The fear, the excitement, that feeling in the pit of your stomach; Just remember that he is probably feeling the same things as you... has the same concerns, the same trepidation... ... it sounds like a wonderful adventure ...

Sorry... I really don't like pets... I have commitment issues

At the beginning of last night, I set my status to "Omnes una manet nose" which is to say, "The same night awaits us all". What is comforting on an Election Night, is that in a sense, whatever is going to happen has "Already happened". The ballot has been cast, the dice has been rolled, and we just need to see where the everything falls. I'm not going to say too much, except from a statistics point of view, we saw swings between parties on a totally inconsistent basis, with no discernible pattern. Genuinely, at 5am this morning, we were still unaware of how the land would lie. I make no secret of the fact that i am a Conservative Supporter. For my mind, a Labour-LibDem coalition would have no legitimacy. It seems though, that the uncertainty I had last night, is for now still present. I will add another entry later. I need to get some things off my chest - my trip to london (and James) in particular.... but for now, I'm slightly exhausted and need to sleep... West

thanks guys.... It's a lot for me to think about... and confront - perhaps sooner than I would have liked.

I'm finding myself getting more and more drawn in to the world of GA. I've made a few friends here, and am starting to feel more comfortable with this portal that allows me to be honest with the world, if only through a veil of anonymity. Tonight was liberating. I had a conversation in chat with someone... and he asked me some direct questions. Questions about my past, and my future. And he has made me ponder the larger questions in my life - for starters, can i really bring myself to live a lie? Can I do that to a wife, if I marry? Could I lie to my children? And at the end of the day - am I not just lying to myself. I have obligations and a duty, but is it right that performing this duty comes at such a high price? If I'd have known as a child at what price I accepted my privileges, would I have been willing to pay that price? I feel as if I'm holding my world together through sheer will at the moment - and the edges are crumbling. I see that maybe I need to confront the demons that torment me if I am to gain peace. .... a lot to think about West

I can't believe someone neg'ed adam for this. So I gave a pos to even things out - I happen to agree with him. And I'd much rather see JP and Stef go out in heroic glory than anything drawn out

Absolutely not. And Europhile was very much meant as an insult - but I will explain what I mean here. Britain has a very distinct identity - it has a vast history and a strong culture of its own, that is quite distinct from the culture of mainland europe. But I love mainland Europe. I love france, and Italy. I have particular affection for belgium and switzerland. I have spent some time in the former Yugoslavia when I was a boy. I even have a small holiday home in Prague. I love the cultures found on the mainland of Europe, from the germanic pride, to the italian romanticism. But at heart, I love Britain - I love England's mountains green, I love tea in the afternoon - I love cricket on the village commons. When I say Europhile though, I see someone who wants to subvert distinct national pride and cultures, and create "One Europe". I think that would be a disaster - France would no longer be France, Italy would no longer be Italy, and Britain no longer Britain. Absolutely, I believe in partnership with our friends and allies. I want to embrace european cultures and celebrate them - as they would celebrate our culture. To me, a Europhile (politically at least) is one who would subject our sovereignty to other nations - and that is something I absolutely cannot abide. Some people seem obsessed with creating a new "Holy Roman empire" and calling it the European Union. So yes, I meant europhile as an insult, because a Europhile to me can never be a patriot. But that is not to say I have any particular bias against Europe. I do genuinely love the mainland states - but as unique, separate states with their own eccentricities and identity. To put it another way, I do not want to get into bed with Europe, but I do not mind getting into bed with "europeans"? West

Mr Arbour makes a valid point... although if we are adding "cute" to the criteria, then I may have to reconsider Nick Clegg

In case any of you hadn't noticed - there's an election going on here in the UK. We're entering into the final weeks, and I'll have to admit to following things quite closely. I should say at this point that I am extremely biased - i've given significant sums to the conservative party over the last few years, and am an ardent supporter of the right wing position. Now, before I go any further, I want to debunk the myth that UK Conservative Party = US Republican Party. There is a tendency to over simplify things in order to make comparisons, and so it is often suggested that UK conservatives are the equivalent of US republicans, and that UK Labour are the same as US Democrats. In fact, across all major parties in the UK, there is a strong strand of Social Liberalism. "Left" and "right" wing generally refers to economic philosophy, rather than social ideals. All major parties, for example, support civil partnerships (gay marriage), adoption rights for same sex couples and criminalising discrimination. While there is (from the conservatives) a policy of promoting "family" - they have a flexible definition of what "family" actually is. One key difference is that religion plays little or no part in political life - so much so that our former prime minister Tony Blair waited until he left office to convert to catholicism. Quite famously, in public life, we don't "do" religion - which in turn has created a freer society, where other people's morals do not dictate to the entire populous. I mention this because, angry as I was yesterday (see yesterdays post about the bigoted man), I am incredibly proud of this nation of ours. I am proud of the freedoms we enjoy, that are still decades away in many western countries we might consider our peers. Though we're by no means the most liberal and accepting nation in the world - we do seem to be getting there. So at this election, it seems that the economy is the major focus (naturally given the current economic climate). For me it boils down to three options: (1) A guy who has proved himself incompetent, who introduced a change to the tax system that affected the poorest in our country, who sold off our gold reserves at rock bottom prices in order for cheap popularity, and whose reforms of financial regulation precipitated the collapse of some british banks (Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you Gordon Brown) (2) A guy who promises a major tax cut we cannot afford, wants to abandon the british pound and join the Euro, and has no experience of political office (Mr Nick Clegg) (3) An aristocrat, who promises not to raise National Insurance (a tax that would harm the poorest in society), and pledges to find the money this tax would have raised by cutting waste in government (but cannot tell us how he will do that) - I give you David cameron. On balance, I think i'd rather go for the competent guy with the good intentions, rather than a failed former chancellor or a committed Europhile making unaffordable promises. My (totally biased and in no way balanced) vote -goes to Mr. Cameron. West

Last night I attended a dinner, at which the dress code was "white tie". For those of you not familiar with such things, white tie is the more formal version of "black tie", and is not usually worn these days. Now, not to brag, but white tie is a look that i really can pull off - I looked awesome. I have quite a heavy frame (think - rugby player. Bulky, but not fat), which was complimented by the cut of the tailcoat. I had a really great time. I'm not usually the best at formal occasions, but I had good company (one of the girls from the office was my date), there was very good food, wine and dancing. It was bliss. My eye was drawn to the object of my lust - James - who looks better in a normal suit than formal wear, but still sparkled for me. The reason I wanted to write about it, was that I was sat at a table with a man who turned out to be the most appalling bigot. Somehow the conversation turned to gay society, and he kept going on about the "homosexual agenda", and how "the gays" were trying to convert everyone to their way of life. This was a successful - powerful - man who has perhaps hundreds of staff working for him. He controls a large annual budget and has considerable personal power of patronage. It really saddened me that some days, it can seem like we have come so far. Then you meet someone who convinces you that we could be decades away from genuine acceptance. Sometimes, you just want to scream...

Lol.... You guys sure know how to jump the gun....

I kinda like the idea of subverting the form a little - JJ's gotta be straight. Will has the sort of faux arrogance, confidence and easy charm that we have seen time and time again thoughout the story, with Brad to some extent and with Matt in particular. I also see shades of Andre. I also think that Will is the one most like Brad, you see glimpses of a willful child, with a strong personality and possibly a temper. With this in mid, i'd like him to have something to be arrogant about, and so brad's considerable manhood would do well... Either way, I think Mark is at his best when writing "coming of age" tales; my examples are Be Rad, MiM and bloodlines. I enjoyed the original CAP with the younger JP, much more than later ones with an older JP/Stefan. With his most recent story - the box - I'm enjoying the flashbacks (again a "coming of age") much more than the modern era scenes. Bearing this in mind, whatever Mark chooses to do - I'm sure will be spectacular. I would however, be fascinated to see a strong leading character, with a developed sense of identity, who is comfortable with himself... but bisexual. I think often Bisexuals are portrayed as confused, who come down more often on one side more than another. I think an attempt to show someone occupying equally the middle ground would be an interesting angle, which is why I voted in Darius as a bisexual. West

I agree - what strikes me most is that he was unscrupulously honest - a trait that resulted in him stepping down as first lord later on. His victories in the mediterranean are the stuff of legend - plenty of scope to for Heroics on the part of George Granger. I really look forward to where you can take the bridgemont stories now - and John Jervis is a perfect historical vehicle to help with the action.

LOL! I'm more nervous about what I would do if he did make a move.... gotta keep my cool, calm exterior

I'm struggling a little bit with "the box" because I just don't see a "direction" to the story from the modern perspective, though the diary flashbacks are fascinating. I wish the main characters would be more forgiving of Churchill and the British, but that's just my nationalistic pride No doubt all will become clear in time. It's no secret that I love the Bridgemont series, and in particular HMS Belvidera. I particularly like the portrayal of Lord Jervis - I have a particular affection for the memory of the real-life admiral, and so to read work that honours that memory is particularly pleasing. If we're talking all time favorites though, it's got to be bloodlines. I genuinely fell in love with the character of Matt, and that first scene with him and Cam Heely... I couldn't get it out of my mind for weeks. West

So there's this guy... (how many times am I going to start a post like this?!) And he's Married. We both happened to be at the same meeting today. I couldn't keep my eyes off him. He was wearing a black suit, with a black shirt and grey tie... which for me is the most incredibly sexy look. And underneath, you can see the perfectly toned sculpture of a man who spend a lot of time in a swimming pool... So I kept looking, and the thing is, every time I looked at his eyes... they were looking back at me. And he flashed an incredible smile... with an amused look on his face that told me he knew - he knew - what I was looking at, and why. So after the meeting, he asked if we could get together at some point, to "discuss the details" of a little project.... and i felt butterflies. Anyway... we're meeting for drinks next week - he's London based and I'm there for a conference, so it works out well. I'm incredibly nervous - what if the signals are wrong? what if I'm wrong? The office is a dangerous place for such entanglements

Yesterday - as one might gather from my post - I was slightly depressed. I allowed myself to remember something wonderful, but that inevitably lead me to the pain that came after. Someone commented on my post that it looked as if I was leaving Narnia (referring to my own perception of how deep in the closet I am) - and this reminded me of the freedom that I felt back then. At that time, I still hadn't felt the full weight of my responsibilities, or of expectations. It was a time for me when everything seemed possible - even overcoming the impossible. So today, I tried to capture these feelings on paper - while the feelings were still raw. The story is coming along (nowhere near ready to share, but still), I think I'm getting to the point where I may need to find a good editor, so a recruiting mission into the forums may be in order. Until then, I guess i'll just keep pushing onwards... At any rate, I think i'll make an appearance at the office tomorrow, and live in the present for a while... As for tonight, a glass of wine by the fireside and a good book

if wishing made it so.... with David, it was a series of perfect moments, snatched when we could get away from real life. I choose the remember these, more pleasant times, than the aching moments in between.

I hope so too... BTW, in case you hadn't gathered, I'm a HUGE fan of yours. If its possible to have a crush on a fictional character, Matt Carrswold is definitely it for me

He was wearing Blue; and it sparkled not because of the colour, but because it was HIM. Have you ever seen a guy who just draws your eye, and holds your attention like a vice? Where it's almost painful to turn away? David. His name was David, and he was my first for many things. the first guy I felt that "spark" with. The first guy I kissed. The First guy I Made love to. And the First guy to break my heart. I only mention it because of what day it is - today is the only day I allow myself to think like this. To know why this matters, you have to know me... and none of you yet do... I don't remember birthdays, anniversaries or special occasions. But today is seared into my mind because of him. The 25th of April - literally a walk in the park experience. And for me it was the little things that lead up to it - catching each other stealing glances, knowing smiles, shyly turning away. And then behind the tree, and he kissed me with such force... but at the same time incredibly tender... a memory so seared into my soul that I can smell him, taste him even now. Today is a happy day... and a painful day because of what went after, and because of the lost words I can no longer say to him. Thank you David, for setting me free

I genuinely like to bottom, though I gotta say that the type of men I attract really precludes that. I'm a pretty forceful individual - i've been told that in person i'm very intimidating. I usually attract men who are, or seek o be, submissive - which generally speaking means they bottom. In reality, I think for a relationship with a man to work, it would have to be someone who doesn't give a crap about my ego, or my power trip, and puts us on equal terms... in that case, I suspect versatility would rule the day