Andrew Q Gordon

Kevin, I wasn't sure if it was going to be clear that it was an 'almost rape.' I mean it wasn't totally but it showed a lot less care about Jason on Peter's part. Have to see how the last four play out. Trying to be vague so I don't give things away. Not too much longer - two week or less at this point - less if I post faster. Thank Kevin. Andy

Haha, yeah a real pain in the err . . . NVM

Sorry I missed this when I was responding to things. I am going to withhold on whether or not the Henry family fortune will or will not be the bane of these two, but yes - and this is not an indication of what will happen - sometimes things do NOT work out in life. But some times they DO so you have to wait to see the end. Well there have been hints of issues going back to before Christmas. While I won't say what will happen, I will say, there will be a resolution and an explanation. God as the end gets closer, I need to be even more cryptic than usual. LOL Thanks to you both for reading and your continued support.

Falling action? I am not sure what you mean. If you could, post on the forum so I can understand what you mean. And sorry that it is disappointing you, hopefully it won't by the end.

Chapter 45: Moet & Chandon is up and ready a day earlier. Enjoy

Jason slowly pushed the door open, careful not to spill on the carpet. Between two coffee cups and two muffins, he didn't have a free hand to wave back to the older women he worked with. He was surprised they were even here, it was New Year's Eve after all, didn't they get the day off? Weaving between the empty desks, he made his way to the one he shared with Wendy. Figures she wouldn't be early the day he decided to surprise her with breakfast. A quick check of the clock told him s

Hmm, me thinks this is a ploy for the fair Nephylim to get a personalized copy she can hang on her wall and throw sharp barbed objects at. But I have sent you your very own copy via your private email. If I start to feel sharp sudden pains, I'll know who is stick pins in my effigy.

James, Clearly this is a topic you have given some thought to. it was both sad yet hopeful. Through Chris' death Peter might grow into more than just someone to spout back chapter and verse by rote. You pick out one of the most difficult passage for those who 'speak for God' to reconcile. If you do these two things, the kingdom of God will be yours, yet men say it is not so. I hope, this story wasn't based on someone you knew. Sadly it is all to common. Maybe your story will help someone who is struggling find a measure of peace that does lead them to Chris' fate. Andy

Tim, That is what I get for writing that at 6 am on the morning I have a big trial. In re-reading my remarks, I am surprised you didn't flame me up one side and down the other. Sorry - that was really harsh - I can delete it if you like. Had I more tact at the time what I was trying to convey is, there is nothing wrong with sex scenes, but make em count. Make em memorable, make em interesting. This chapter was the wrong one to bring it up, but it has been on my mind for a bit. Because as it turns out the orgy was actually quite important on several levels - god do I feel like a lascivious, dirty old man by keep referring to that it was important in that it showed a facet of the familiars make up, it shows the connection with Baron and his lover, AND it is a vehicle for Mikal to get back at his father for what the kind did to Mikal. Going into all the details might have been a lot of writing and bogged you down. So, the more I tried to justify my position, the less I feel it is valid. In trying to say, but this wasn't helpful, I could see reasons why it was. That is a long ass way of saying, never mind, I am wrong. Sorry. Andy

There are two things here - one is style and one is proper grammar and punctuation. Style is personal. Dark, if you like how Nephy writes and you choose to flatter her by imitating her, good for you. There is nothing wrong with that. Those comments which addressed style are just a personal preference. Where the comments went to grammar and what not, well that is different. There are also certain tenants of writing which, while not strictly grammatical, are rules to live by. The best writing is done by showing, not telling. Antya is always on me about this and she is right. Maintaining POV and perspective while not an absolute do make for better reading, there is less and more . TBH, I didn't notice many issues at all with your writing. If there were grammatical mistakes, they weren't glaring, I didn't find you to be too much tell, not enough show - and believe me I do notice when writers do this, so on balance, Kavrik's comments should be considered as he meant them, just suggestions. At the end, your style has to be your own. I know there are times I steadfast refuse suggestions not because they are wrong and they might even be better, but they are not me or my style. Thus far, I'd say keep up what you are doing, it's you and it seems to me most people like it Andy

Since there is no Chapter 25 topic, I will post my response to you reply to my review here. It's not that the story has sex, but lately it's that the sex is just tossed in and that just makes it seem unimportant and therefore kinda just smut. Case in point was the orgy - I say this not for the reason you think. So you talk about Fabian almost dying from the breaking of the bonds, even with the orgy. Okay so that is important and that would be something that would move your plot along. Then you talk about him wanting to bang his English teacher - not something that moves the plot. Had you left out the desire to f**k his teacher, the orgy reference would have been less ho hum. Which leads to the next point - if it is important - and this was kinda - then write about it, don't just put it off in passing. Next - in the same vein as the 'I wanna do the teacher' there were a bunch of times where you talk about him getting up and getting a blow job, or going to bed and banging Fabian. Well he also brushed his teeth, took a piss and whatever. If it is just going to be dealt with in passing - leave it out or else it comes across as trashy. If it doesn't move the plot and those examples did not - chop it - unless what you want is to make sex a serious subplot. But by trivializing it with passing references and doing it often, it makes it boring, like brushing your teeth. Last, this is an example of why you should "Show, not Tell." By telling us - We had an orgy - it's like saying the sky was blue, the room was cold, the food was hot. Readers tend to glaze over when there is too much tell and not enough show. It's not the use of sex I think detracts from the story, it's that it is just put in with no purpose of moving the plot along and you just tell us, oh yeah we had sex. Okay fine, so what, so did I this morning. That is what I meant by my review. Either make it important and show us don't tell us, or leave it out so when you do show us, we perk up more. Andy

okay Frank I got good and no so good comments. First the not so good - [momma always said end on something positive so I will get the negative out of the way first.] While the main thrust of the story is the inner angst Blake suffers, there were points where it was a bit too much. That's not to say there were any particular points I would cut entirely but there were some where I just skipped a bit. Two point in particular - the one where he works his way through his attack on the boat, and then when he is trying to explain it all to Haze. I absolutely understood why you put them there, I just thought they were a bit too much - but that might just be me - I am told I have a very short - almost child like attention span SO take my comments with a grain of salt. Okay, so wow - real Haze is a pisser isn't he? Destroyed momma Christmas Social did he? Tut Tut, momma's gonna be PISSED hehe. So now I am left to wonder, why did he ask Blake to go hang out? Was it interest? or just he was the only one in town who didn't think he was crazy? And geez oh man, what is it with EVERYONE leaving us on a cliff this week? I have to say, most times I can 'guess' the plot, but this? No really - so that is good stuff, keep it up. Andy

**Gets vote in early for king of cliffhangers for 2011** Okay so I asked about a dragon fight - boring -- Okay, just kidding You're imagination doth runneth over Mr. T., and that is a very good thing. Lessons from chapter 25 - The Empresses is a terrible enemy, Mikal is a bad ass, and Tiger thinks about Sax err sex too much Okay and this isn't me being a prude, I am going to complain a tiny bit - the sex seems almost obligatory and trite - early on when he and Fabian and he and Konstantine were having sex it at least had passion, and we cared. This chapter it just seemed meh, let me throw in some sex for the hell of it. Oh yeah let's make it an orgy and have Mikal just talk about it in passing - that to me is the definition of sex for the sake of having a sex scene. Just my two cents. Fortunately there was a ton of other stuff that makes it easy to skim that. Last, the dynamic between the twins was well done - they were each a character in their own, and by the time we meet Johan, Aderic is already established as a fastidious, straight laced but honorable guy, so the contrast was easy to see.

Thanks Kevin Well I was called Scary Blood Gang Member Frog with no fashion sense in Chat last night so I suppose Little Red Riding Hood is tame enough. Thanks Marc, Frosty, Tiger, Maria

Peter's issues with money are part of a bigger issue - control, as in who's in control and who's not. Not that Jason is using it to control things. I promise you I have NOT killed peter off - just yet, if at all but you can read chapter 25 and know Peter is not dead. Tanks for reading. Andy

While I am glad it made you feel good, genius is not a word I would associate with me or my writing. BUT don't give up on mom yet - things can change

That's a good question - but I don't know.

Thanks

Actually it is very likely yo pass - so let's keep hoping

Bloods? Well you did have a Crip Ball in your picture Now this is a blood!

Fine Sky- here you go. this is how I walked home from work today - happy now???

More than a few people emailed me saying they thought it was the cars, though the extra funds were not on anyone's list. But it's easy to say 'stop being like you are' unless it's you who is a certain way. But you're right there is more to life than money. Hopefully they both work it out. Thanks Tim

Thanks for the comments, I guess maybe there is a bit of wishful thinking - or projecting on my part - as in I wish someone left me the cars and money. But, this was what Pop and Jason shared, it was something his grandfather loved and knowing he passed it on to Jason made it easy to decide he would leave them to the one family member who would appreciate it. Hopefully the rest of the chapters will keep folks happy too

Be a shame if he didn't get to drive the cars once they become Jason's don't you think?? But no promises on the Jason come's around thingy. I mean five more chapters of sappy times, just isn't my shtick.

Not that I know much about what is coming next BUTTT - does anyone really think I wrote five more chapters of good times??? Just sayin Thanks for reading and I hope I don't disappoint you too much by the end.