harcallard

I guess I should start by saying that it has been a new record for me two days of being happy and then it falling apart. Once again people don't want to hear about it. One person who I thought i was really close to cant seem to chat when his husband is around, imagine that...but if I were a 22 year old well endowed person, he would talk my ear off.. Then another one told me the other day the reason why some on my group don't like to be around me is because they have a problem with some of my characteristics and I was like what the hell? I thought when you were friends with someone, you took the good with the bad? I thought I had worked some thing out with my Bf, the one who is in the closet still, well apparently he is pissed off at me once again because I was asking a mutual friend about him.. and hasn't talked to me since yesterday. I am like " what the hell is going on?" Iguess i am just venting..geez i need a life..hope all is well for everyone.

i can watch a sad movie anytime.

i am a moaner until the throws of passion then i am more verbal

Thank you so much MIke and Yettie and everyone else for your words of comfort and encouragement. I am doing better since I wrote my last posts.. I guess I just needed to get it out of my system. I received two broken ribs and a collar bone. I am having to type with one hand.. it really isnt as hard as it seems. I need to go lie down but thatnks again to one and all. Here is a big to each and everyone of you.

I just want to know what it will take to get me out of this funk I am in now.. I feel so sad and the tears keep coming and I cant get them to stop. .....I call ed my bf again and he said he would come over later tonight...so I guess I will have to figure a way out of this on my own.

I am sorry about the last paragraph.. I was not talking about this forum.. I love it:) I was referring to my friends around where I live

well i would have to say today was a real eye opener for me once again..I got on line like I always have done to see who was onto chat. I went on to one chat sight and found a friend and started to talk to them. THen they informed me that they didn't have the time to chat and quit talking to me. Then i looked on another site and they were chatting away like it was nothing. I would not say anything but this is not the first time this has happened. So am i wrong for getting upset or even depressed? Someone else told me I shouldn't take it personal well.. in a way I do.. its like I am not good enough to warrant a little of your time and attention. However, we all have baggage from our past and that is one of mine. I always had to fight for attention and you know what I am tired of fighting. See it was a week ago Friday night I was in a car accident, the car my friend was driving was hit by a car which ran a red light. Four days went by and not one person said anything to find out what was wrong?, well not until my bf told someone what had happened. This one act really mad me open my eyes and see how people really are. Only ONE person cared enough, and this breaks my heart. I am also tired of, and no disrespect to any younger guys on here, hearing guys say that don't want to talk to me or any other guy because were too old for them.. hell I want to Chat not screw ya....just saying. I am so ready to just quit the internet all together.. IT also is so disheartening to be around and listen to everyone else's problems and woes but no one is ever around to hear mine.. I even called my bf up and see if he could talk, but he didn't have the time.... so I am like hell... i haven't cried this much in a long time and it seems like I have been doing it for hours. I need to go to sleep or do some thing.. thanks for listening,

I have felt that way about myself for many years due to the efforts of an ex who made me feel like a worthless piece of crap. It has taken me almost 20 years to get over that. I can honestly say that I can look in the mirror and smile at the person I see. I have come along way to getting my self-esteem back to where it use to be. Take baby steps Mark and never feel ashamed to talk to someone. Take care and hugs to ya.

I go to a Salon

I agree Mark with what everyone has said mark. My life as well in the last few years hasn't excatly been a bed of roses. So i finally swallowed what was left of my pride and went and sought after help. I still have times where my mind wonders and i have periods of doubts , panic periods and even depression.My therapist helps me deal with situations and subjects I would other wise ignore. suppose I am just ranting as well, but I have been told it is good to rant and rave. Like I just had a thought cross my mind as I am sitting here writing this. My birthday is exactly two weeks from today and I should be happy. However, for some known and unknown reasons, I am not happy about it. I am actually sad and depressed. Tried to talk to someone who I thought was my friend and they basically in not so many words had it played it off as if I were having a mid life crisis. I''m like hell no I am not having one of those already had it! I truly appreciate this forum being here so we can share and discuss things with others who know where we are coming from. Hugs to everyone.

hmmm.. that is a hard one but I would have to say Roan

i think its is a sad day for our country when kids are allowed to get away with things such as this. When parents are no longer allowed to punish their kids is when this all started. kids today do not respect adults like they use to do. The reason for this is because they know that nothing will or can be done to them. If my child ever did this, i would be in prison because I would whip them until they couldn't sit down. i am not a supporter of beating a child, but in this case a good old fashioned ass whipping is what is needed and it should be done publicly.

i have found in the past when i have tried to suggest something to someone, they are resentful and treat you like a now it all..

I always here the line... "Your a fence Rider." my response to that I am a bisexual male who leans more to guys than woman...I like woman.. but I love being with a man more... enough said.

I finally had a big blow out with my family and certain people who I once considered my friends...They all told me that they care about me, I was like bullshit and said that actions speak a hell of a bit louder than words...However , the reason I mentioned this is because I feel so much better I cant tell you. It's as if a huge load has been taken off my shoulders. I thought as I was was driving back home that I haven't cried one single tear during or after what had happened..My aunt told me that I have now reached a point where it doesn't bother me any longer. She said she was waiting for this day to happen so that I could finally let things go.. Who would have known that I had someone in my corner all along. So now I am going to go make myself a sandwich and enjoy the rest of my day.

There are two movies called "Judas Kiss" well this is the one with the gay porn star in it.. Brent Carrigan...or something like that.. It was about a guy going back as his older self to undo something which would help him in the future.. Then there is a Fil called "RedWoods" which deals with a guy who is tired of his life he is living and for a brief weekend or a period of time has a fling with a writer who comes into town.. great movie.

Since my last entry here, I have come to a rather frank and hard realization. Most of it had to deal with the way I was perceiving things. I mean I wanted things a certain way they were not and never would be. I came to realize that I and only I control my happiness in this life. If someone has their own hang ups then that is them and not me. If for what ever unfortunate reason they find they do not like me nor want to talk to me , its their loss and a waste of my time. If this sounds rather harsh to some, then so be it, but this is the conclusion or the place I had to arrive at. I am too old to worry about whether or not someone likes me. I am a little down today because I have a very good friend of mine who is terminally ill. I have gone through this with two other people in my life and I know what to expect. However, it still doesn't make the outcome easy to bear. Loosing someone you love or care about is never easy. This is way I had to do some soul searching and come to the decision I have reached. I want the rest of the time I have, no matter how long that may be, a happy and a drama free one. A good friend of mine told me yesterday that before we get down on our selfs and start to cry.. we need to examine our situation and see what the situation may be or the person (s) involved and change it if we can. I have been doing much better since I joined this forum and I am so thankful for those who have reached out with their word, thoughts, and recommendations. I am sincerely grateful.

THer are many pros and even many more cons.

I think having mental powers of reading someone ones mind and controlling a person through mind control.

I am glad to hear that everything turned out okay

I hate the word Whatever.... it makes my skin crawl.. It is the highest form of attitude.

Thank you so much Comic and everyone else who have responded.. I have since posting this.. come to a realization or an Epiphany.. I am finally becoming aware of the fact that I am the only one who can make me happy and the only one who can take it away...I plan on using this thread and I am thankful to the one(s) who are responsible for creating it.

Hope it turns out okay for you Arpeggio.

I was referred to this page by a a friend.. I am indeed depressed quite often...I joined this channel a few months ago and was quickly ostracized by many especially in the chat room.. I have been told that I have an over bearing personality, of which I have been told I have had since I was a small kid... I think someone told me in the 6th grade, that I was an attention seeker. I don't wnat anyone's pity and I know some wont care and other's will. I have been accused of being "Clingy and Needy". I felt like I hads to fight for the attention from my family while growing up, and felt quite often, that people were ignoring me, and found out later on, that this was true. So after awhile, I slowly with drew into myself and spoke to no one.. well I spoke only when spoken too. My parents and family just thought this was a phase I was going through. I guess I do try to hard to get people to like me. Everyone I have talked to says the same thing... "WEll just dont try hard let them come to you," and this is one of my phobias is that htey wont....I am afraid tha tI am slowly going back to the uncaring adn cold person I have fought for so many years not to become again..For instance when I joined the chat channel, of which I am now banned, I was immediately jumped on by two individuals of who I dont care to even speak their names because of thier insignificance to me. I was just being my self.. and after all, isnt that hwat we are suppose to be anyway? I do apologize for rambling.. I do this quite often and my mind shifts from one thing to another. well here are some examples which have caused my phobia of being ignored and not liked to rise to the surface. I wont mention any names just instances. One thing I dont understand and probably never understand is how people can multitask... I am not a multitasker, for my ADD, keeps me from this.. I mean I wil be talking with someone, lets say in Skupe or MSn, and its like 30-40 minutes between each reply..okay .. they must be busy.. but then I come back and find out they have been have a full conversation with someone else the whole time. This makes me feel even worse. I ahve on several occassions mentioned this fact to the person (s) invovled and it is asid I had been talking to a wall. Thewir response was "Well I have so many things to do.. I just cant sit and devote all my time to just one person.. I am like what ever happened to this practice? Then this example just happeended not to long ago, I know a persaon who is going through somethign in their live right now and they told me about it, only by me asking questions, and not voluntarily on their part. Then i find out the whole time they have been telling it to other people adn then thanking themlater on for being there for them.. I dont get it.. so this spiraled me further down. I am a nice and caring person. However, I find myself slowly ,like I said earlier, becoming the cold and uncaring person I had once been. I guess I shouldn't let this bother me, but it doesn't work like that, because it does, and it bothers me bad. I mean hell. I am still getting ignored by my own family..They all took off for hawaii for two weeks, and didn't even call me to ask if I wanted to go, of which I would have refused, but they took away my chance to turn them down... Im to the point i am tired of people ignoring me and not wanting to associate with me.. Why do I always have to be the one to back away and let them come to me? Who wrote the damn rule book on this? I have also heard that for many years that me being depressed is my own fault and its all in my head.. Well I know I have to take responsibility for it. HOwever, others must tae the responsibility that they often cause it..or rather I let what they do affect me.. so I agree that I need to take responsibility for how I react to people.. I need to just have the ideology that you cant not take my happiness away by your uncaring and self importance attitude(s). If any one has any thought or suggestions please respond.