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ashessnow

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  2. ashessnow
    Hitting rock bottom at 21 is pretty impressive I think. No? Well...ok. Maybe not.
     
    On what you ask? Thats for me to know. But it was, to be completely honest, the worst experience of my life, and considering how much I've been through, that's really saying something.
     
    I'll start from the beginning:
     
    Here in Los Angeles there is this thing called L.A. Artwalk. Google it. In Downtown ,every gallery is open for anyone, there's tons of music and food trucks and it's all just groovy. My best friend S. is in a band, and her band was one of many selected to play at Artwalk. Super cool!
     
    So i'm with all my friends, and we bring a handle of tequila and some vodka. Before we arrived at Artwalk, I had a bottle of wine to myself, so I was feeling pretty good.
     
    My friends band sets up and starts to play and they did an amazing job. Now, right after they finished, I went around and found an ally to be by myself and to get high.
     
    This is about the place where things get fuzzy. Now, as soon as the drugs hit my system I knew something was very, very wrong. I remember coming around the corner of the ally, looking at the sea of people walking around, and realizing just how bad I was. The best I can describe it: I remember remarking to myself that it was like a stop-motion picture. But that was only the beginning.
     
    It's tough to remember everything, mainly because for some strange reason EVERYTHING about that night that I do remember, I remember backwards and I have no idea why. Meaning when I awoke I was told the first thing that happened to me was passing out by the stage, when I thought that was the last thing that happened. Weird.
     
    From what I could gather, I had made my way from the ally to the stage and passed out. (All my friends were near the stage). I remember lying on the ground trying to get control of myself and not being able to, I remember flashes of light as people took pictures and thats about it. I also remember for about the span of 7 seconds, gaining enough control of myself to literally jump up to my feet, to the surprise and applause of the crowd that had gathered around me. Then my friends came to take me back and lay me down somewhere.
     
    I remember being laid down and floating in and out of consciousness. I remember when I stopped breathing. I remember at that moment thinking - I really hope someone notices I've stopped breathing right now or I could die - as I could hear my friends voices around me. I remember my friends A., S., and W. trying to tell me that the cops were here and that we had to go, and I remember the helicopter's spotlight on me. Thats about it.
     
    All of this was horribly embarassing, because not only did my friends have to take care of me, but because there was a ridiculous amount of people I kinda knew there, that saw the whole thing. In fact, 2 days ago, at my friend's band's music video shoot which I was in charge of, people came up to me and said this: OMG! I was at Artwalk, I'm so glad you're not dead!
     
    Oh, and this is strange but I had a hard time watching the first few minutes of the movie Limitless cause it reminded me of what it was like to be lying there on the gound. If you wanna know what I was seeing while it was happening, aside from the stop-motion stuff which was how it seemed at the very beginning, it looked almost exactly like this:
     


     
    There's more, but it's just the gross stuff and I definitely don't want to go into that. Needlessly to say, a few days later, I was sitting in my first NA meeting. 8 months clean today.
  3. ashessnow
    It really just sucks the life out of you. To be completely honest, Ive been finding it harder and harder to care about things - and this entry will be a bit scattered and Im sorry for that, but I just had to get my thoughts down.
     
    I was pretty close to voluntarily committing myself because of all the issues in my head, but I got over it. But now its back.
     
    Ya know that saying, time heals all wounds, or whatever? Well thats bullshit with depression. It doesnt get easier to deal with, it just gets harder. Because all I have is time.
     
    Im reminded of Satre, or at least I think it was Sarte, (maybe Camus?) who talked about suicide. He said that there was value in it. Or rather, there was nothing that made it inherently wrong, thus it is not wrong. But we consciously reject it everyday because of our natural curiosity with the world. My issue is that I'm losing my curiosity. i am becoming indifferent. I dont think thats a good thing, so maybe I should find some meds or something.
     
    Ignore everything Ive said thus far, Im a bit drunk.
     
    I just...its just that life sucks.
     
    And dont worry about me - seriously - Im fine. It was just a really crappy day. The anniversary of when I was raped. So yeah - never a good day today.
     
    Not very many people know that actually. Well, only one, to be exact.
     
    And thats not where the depression comes from, trust me. I was...hahaha...born this way. Depression is something Ive wrestled with long before then, Soon enough I will come out of it though. Thats just how it goes.
     
    Ive been chain-smoking again. Not good since I was really close to quitting.
     
    And if youre really concerned about me I told my best friend/roommate that he needs to get me to talk to him. Hes at his girlfriends place so that will be my tomorrow. Im not one to ever talk about myself so he knows its important. Just another day.
     
    I need to start writing again. (Shameless plug for my story https://www.gayauthors.org/story/ashessnow/theharlequin )
     
    Did this help...I dont know. Maybe. But now its 5:46 am and I should get some sleep. Night.
  4. ashessnow
    So I'm a sex worker.
     
    Yeah.
     
    "Schedule" is a funny looking word. I think its the "sch" and the "du". It looks German. Or Yiddish....Sorry...
     
    I have a job now. I'm an intern in the legal department of a medical research company.
     
    I got another tattoo. It's on my neck. It says "Howl." I love it. Got it on Halloween afternoon.
     
    My weird mind wanders...sorry. And catchy title, no?
     
    Back to the point!
     
    I have no problem talking about my many sexual exploits but I have yet to really speak on my emergence onto the BDSM scene. The scene is difficult to describe if you've never seen it. But as soon as I saw real playing, not that shit I have seen in...those movies, or really in any form of popular media, I knew it was where I belonged.
     
    I am a ProSub. If you know nothing, it would be best to explain it like this: a Dominatrix is a Professional female Dominant (aka ProDom) Both men and women could be ProDoms. And the opposite would be a Professional Submissive. (ProSub) So men hire me for a few hours to dominate me. Sexy, no?
     
    Why?
    Cause I'm good at it. Cause I like sex, and I like money. And I'm really good at it. And cause I really, really like it.
     
    Is it Prostitution?
    Not....really. Well...maybe. A bit. A standard example: If I was paid for a 3 hour session then we would play really hard, and not have sex. If sex occurs during the time paid for, then yes, that's prostitution. But if sex happened after the time paid, that's totally fine. Two people having sex happens all the time. Get it?
     
    How much?
    Depends. After a discussion of hard limits (things I or he will absolutely not do. Watersports for example, is a hard limit for me. Pee is not fun.) and if the session is fairly standard, its xxx$. DISCLAIMER: I am not trying to get "clients." Just explaining how it all works.
     
    Any questions?
  5. ashessnow
    Its been a while.
     
    Hi people!
     
    Um...some new things that's happened...
     
    I got new tattoos and piercings. School is going well. Got new roommates. And a boyfriend. Still a ProSub. (If you're wondering, see my last entry). Found an old story that I started, so now I'm editing it and looking for editors/readers.
     
    Um...that's pretty much it.
     
     
    Oh...hahaha. Uh...new meds. I was hospitalized for a while. 2 weeks. Fun! But that was months ago. I'm okay again.
     
    There's a few other things but the moderators dont like me discussing my other...extracurricular activities so I wont. At least not publicly.
     
    So that's it for now. Until next time.
     
    Oh, and if you want to help me out, with being a beta reader/editor, then let me know. I would really appreciate it.
     
    Love!
  6. ashessnow
    Ugh. I have started this entry at least 21 times since my last entry. But I really dont know what to update you on. Dunno if a lot has changed since then. f**king depressing now that I think about it...
     
    Reread a series called The Doctrine of Labyrinths by Sarah Monette. It's completely queer and fantastic. Her writing is so immersive (is that a word?). And the characters are as complex as...something really complex. But I mean, truly. These are some f**ked up people. It is fantasy, and for a person like me who HATES fantasy, it was amazing. The first book in the 4 book series is M
  7. ashessnow

    Foundations and I

    By ashessnow,

    Foundations
     
    Thursday night, everything's fine
    Except you've got that look in your eye
    When I'm tellin' a story and you find it boring
    You're thinking of something to say
    You'll go along with it, then drop it
    And humiliate me in front of our friends
     
    Then I'll use that voice that you find annoyin'
    And say something like:
    "Yeah, intelligent input, darlin'
    Why don't you just have another beer, then?"
    Then you'll call me a bitch
    And everyone we're with will be embarrassed
    And I won't give a shit
     
    My fingertips are holding onto
    The cracks in our foundation
    And I know that I should let go, but I can't
    And every time we fight, I know it's not right
    Every time that you're upset and I smile
    I know I should forget, but I can't
     
    You said I must eat so many lemons 'cause I am so bitter
    I said:
    "I'd rather be with your friends, mate
    'Cause they are much fitter,"
    Yes, it was childish and you got aggressive
    And I must admit that I was a bit scared
    But it gives me thrills to wind you up
     
    My fingertips are holding onto
    The cracks in our foundation
    And I know that I should let go, but I can't
    And every time we fight, I know it's not right
    Every time that you're upset and I smile
    I know I should forget, but I can't
     
    Your face is pasty 'cause you've gone and got so wasted
    What a surprise
    Don't want to look at your face 'cause it's makin' me sick
    You've gone and got sick on my trainers
    I only got these yesterday
    Oh my gosh, I cannot be bothered with this
     
    Well, I'll leave you there till the mornin'
    And I purposely won't turn the heating on
    And dear God, I hope I'm not stuck with this one
     
    My fingertips are holding onto
    The cracks in our foundation
    And I know that I should let go, but I can't
    And every time we fight, I know it's not right
    Every time that you're upset and I smile
    I know I should forget, but I can't
     
    My fingertips are holding onto
    The cracks in our foundation
    And I know that I should let go, but I can't
    And every time we fight, I know it's not right
    Every time that you're upset and I smile
    I know I should forget, but I can't
     
    And every time we fight, I know it's not right
    Every time that you're upset and I smile
    I know I should forget, but I can't
     
    -Kate Nash
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y9Xl9rdCPbE
     
     
     
    Just to let you all know:
    Yes, Im still alive.
    But everything seems to be getting a little bit worse.
  8. ashessnow

    An update...I guess.

    By ashessnow,

    So J is in a mental hospital and has been for a week or so.
    But its not my problem cause he isnt my friend.
    A while ago he went behind my back and talked shit about me to a mutual friend, who I was, at the time, messing around with. That person then told me and I confronted Jon about it. He said that everything he told Shawn (the guy I was f**king) was the truth, that I really was insane and untrustworthy and evil, and that he wouldnt ever mess around with anyone like me. Lets ignore the fact that Jons tried to make me sleep with him and when I said no, he says things like, "Doing this will keep me alive for the night."
    He says tells his psychiatrist that Im the reason that hes in the hospital and wonders why I dont visit. And lets forget that he WANTED to be put in there in the first place because hes so weak he cant deal with the average stuff everyone deals with everyday. He asked to do this, like it was a f**king vacation. Im getting death threats from his family which is really nice cause they blame me for his pitiful attempt at suicide, if it could even be called that. This shit is just annoying.
     
    Listening to: Peter Bjorn and John - Young Folks
     
    Ive decided to move to New York City in a few months.
     
    Formed a band. Well they were looking for a singer, and then we jammed together and they found that I can write songs, pretty much on the spot if need be, and they were like, youre in.
     
    I havent had sex in like 2 weeks. Im practically a virgin. Im not liking this at all and its going to change.
     
    Ive been really down for the past few weeks and Im not sure why.
     
    Working 10-12 hours a day sucks.
     
    Listening to: Nirvana - The Man Who Sold the World
     
    Ive been writing a lot. About random things too. Big social issues (ie privacy in the 21st century) or musings on quantum mechanics. Meaning string theory. (I love string theory.)
     
    Ive decided what my next book will be about. Its a epistolary novel. About love. This will actually by my first story with "love" as a major theme, but its about how love has become too domesticated. That the only way to be in love is to truly embrace it, that we must let go of security and embrace the radical alertness that comes with the fullness of feeling. At least thats the idea. I had a slight outline in my head but that went out the window halfway through the first letter. 4 are done so far.
    The idea came to me after a BIG fight with John Paul (it got very bad.) But it started out about love in general, but now its kinda about him too which was unexpected. But inevitable I suppose.
     
    And John Paul...yeah, I dunno what the hell were doing. Although getting into a fight so big the cops are called on you puts a damper on your relationship, if thats what we had.
     
    And I finished my first series, The Harlequin. Im very happy about it, although the ending is the best. It took the longest time, by far, but its really good.
     
    Listening to: Mama Cass - Make Your Own Kind of Music
     
    My parental unit (the male one) has lung cancer or something. Im still working on getting full details. My feelings toward his probable impending doom? Indifferent.
     
    I havent slept for more then 2 hours in the last week or two. Its great. But Im not sure why.
     
    Thats it for now. Later.
  9. ashessnow
    But first: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WQF0ZuL8vus
     
    A hilarious commercial.
     
    Anyway.
     
    If you know me, one thing you can count on, is that Ill tell you the truth. People know Ill tell them what I think. And I try to be as honest as possible. Now, one of the things that comes with that is telling the things that have happened to me, not so much for the few who read this thing, but more for my own sanity. So here we go:
     
    But first, some background:
     
    My parents kicked me out of their house when I was 15. They basically packed up all my shit, put it in some garbage bags and put it on the front stoop. At the time I was become more and more aware of my mood fluctuations. I was partying til 4am, coming home and sleeping for 2 hours and then going to school. (Id like to say in my defense that I was maintaining a 4.0 at the time) They called the cops on me several times to bring me back home, but I never listened.
     
    A few days before they found me in bed with some guy, all I really remember of him was that he was older, 19/20 maybe. I knew they would find us so it was kind of my way of coming out to them, though they had already known, this just made it official. When I say they already knew, I mean to say it was something not discussed, why there were no girls in my life, they just chose to ignore it. So when they caught me, they didnt really say anything, but a few days later I was out on the street.
     
    A few weeks of couch surfing and trying not to overstay my welcome at random friends houses led me to the house of an acquaintance. He told his parents my story and they let me stay there. It was at this time where I figured out I was bipolar and, well, thats basically it. So now, here we go:
     
    Attempt 1
     
    A few weeks after staying with Stephan I came to really understand the severity of my situation. There was no, forgiveness on either side and one day I realized that this was what my life would be like now. Completely on my own, without any family, or really anyone to help me out. I actually remember the exact moment. It was near winter break. I was sitting in class which was nearly over, and the teacher was talking about how we had to get a parental signature for some movie we were going to be watching. I normally would have signed it straight away but for some reason I just kept staring at the paper. The thoughts of never seeing my parents again hit me and I had to leave the class before I started crying. I ran to the bathroom, looked in the mirror and told myself to stop crying. Which I did. I cleaned myself up and went back to class and on the way there the bell rung signaling that the day was over. I got back to class, gathered my stuff and left as quickly as possible.
     
    I ran to Stephans house dropped all my stuff, grabbed a knife, and left. For several hours I wandered around the city, half crying, being all pathetic. Eventually I ended up in a park. It was near 10pm, and I was exhausted. I dont remember much, but I know that I cut both wrists and passed out.
     
    I woke up in the hospital. I had found out that I was found, luckily minutes later, by a cop patrolling the park. He came to close the park at 10, found me, called an ambulance. I dont know much, like what exactly Stephan and his parents did to get me out of there, but I was in no mood to ask. End.
     
     
     
    Attempt 2
     
    I was 17. Things were going pretty well. I was doing well in school, I had a steady boyfriend, and everything was going well. As embarrassing as this is to admit, this attempt does relate to the boy. We were doing okay, but I was beginning to feel lost. And numb. The relationship went downhill. We had been together for a year and a half and we were living together. But it was like something out of a Pinter play. We werent really talking to each other anymore. It was all just games. Looking back, I didnt really understand it at the time, but I now realize it was all a power play. The back and forth, the anger and resentment. Eventually we got into a huge fight. Throwing things and screaming had happened before. But we never actually hit each other. But this time things were different. Something had snapped for both of us. I wont go into the details, but I will say that we both ended up bruised and bloody and exhausted laying on the living room floor.
     
    After the fight, I cant really explain why. Maybe it was just to f**k with him. Maybe it was just me not wanting to deal with anything anymore. But i went into the bathroom, locked the door and swallowed whatever I could find. He broke down the door and made me throw up. Then he took me to the hospital and left. I got checked out and stayed with some friends. The next day when he was at school I gathered all my things from his place and left. End.
     
     
     
    Ok. Well I was going to talk about something that happened a few days ago: a club, a shooting, and a drag race, but I think this is enough for today.
     
    Currently listening to:
     
    Living Room - Tegan and Sara
     
    Runaway - Yeah Yeah Yeahs
     
    Here In My Room - Incubus
     
    Shout Me Out - TV On The Radio
     
    She's a Lady - Santogold
     
    Dissolved Girl - Massive Attack
     
    Alone In Kyoto - AIR
     
    Under The Bridge - Red Hot Chili Peppers
  10. ashessnow
    Its nearing 3am and I can't sleep.
     
    I went off the meds again. It's been two weeks since my "demedification" and there hasnt been any major disasters (yet) but I think Ill keep off them for a while. Why you ask? Because. I have this thing where when Im off the meds I can get a little - some might say - overwhelming? But when Im on the meds I feel nothing at all. Which was part of the reason I started to hurt myself, it was to feel something. Not really the commonly accepted explanation of cutting as trying to "control the pain", more like cutting to feel pain, to feel anything, at all. Which was nice for a while, but then I realized there was a simpler and, more importantly, less bloody way to feel things, which was to actually feel them (by going off the meds). I think it was the right thing to do.
     
    The cuts have mostly healed. They are fairly noticeable though. I dont really mind. And theyre where youd think they were: legs, arms, and torso.
     
    The boy from the last posts - his name is John Paul. Hes bipolar too which is nice just cause we really get each other. We just . . . fit together, its all very cliche and disgusting but oh well. And he opened up to me about how he got HIV - drugs - but now thats all over and done with. I strangely feel like I can trust this one. Strange for me cause I dont trust anyone. My therapist says its because everyone I ever loved when I was younger left me so now I have trust issues. I think its a very basic analysis of my life and my issues but hey, whatever. Im the one in therapy.
     
    John Paul is actually next to me as I type this. Ive always slept better when there was someone else in the bed. Apparently thats not really working tonight...but whatever.
     
    And I was hit on my my neighbor, a pretty hot 30ish father with 2 young girls. He was really drunk and while we were talking to me he kept getting closer to me and touching himself. He wanted to tell me that he hoped I didnt think he was a dick when me and my roommates threw a party - did I talk about that? - and he wasnt the one who called the cops on us. Im not sure yet. If I want to sleep with him I mean. Dunno.
     
    Oh and John Paul knows all about my whorish past. I told him the truth - which is that it's part from the mood disorder, part from just wanting attention, and part cause Im really just a whore. And hes ok with that. As long as I tell him who I sleep with and it doesnt mean anything, hes okay. We have an understanding. Its pretty great. Of course, the chance of me actually sleeping with someone else is pretty low cause John Paul is amazing in bed. Amazing. For serious. And I am going to actively stop thinking about it . . . now. Ok.
     
    Chester French - She Loves Everybody - my new favorite song.
     
    I slept with a boy from my high school. Meaning we went to high school together. I always thought he was hot but there were a few things - and this was before John Paul. 1: Stained underware. 2: Talking about other guys while Im going down on you, not cool. Although with a few simple tricks Ive learned over the years, I quickly shut him up. And 3: Well . . . there was a number 3 at the time but now I cant remember it. I think it was the talking again.
     
    Im rambling and not really talking about anything so Im going to go.
     
    And BSG was amazing. And I love Chester French. And Semi Precious Weapons. And . . . Im out.
  11. ashessnow
    So... I cant accurately describe how life has gone to shit so quickly over the past few weeks. But I'll try:
     
    -I get locked out of my house. Now for those who don't know, getting locked out is one of those things that I have a problem with. Why? Because thats how my parents kicked me out. I came home at like 4:00 AM and they had changed the lock and put all my stuff in a bag in front of the door. So when I got locked out again at like 1:30 AM it took me back to that time and a ton of feelings and emotions that I didn't know I had came flooding back. I called my roommates but they didn't pick up, I started to cry uncontrollably for a few minutes. It was pretty bad.
     
    So I called a friend and asked if I could stay the night, thankfully he said I could.
     
    -And then a few days later I smoked out with a few friends and had a VERY bad high. I can't even describe how bad it was, but it was pretty bad. Like throwing up disgustingness. I can't even believe any of it was real. Anyway.
     
    -I went to a concert (Murder City Devils) and was in the pit where this White Power Nazi f*ck tried to kill me. I was in the pit when I felt hands on my neck (another thing I have a problem with, I HATE having people put their hands on my neck for that exact reason and now someone actually tries) and he started to strangle me and I fell on the floor. And let me just say, being on your hands and knees on the floor in the pit where people are thrashing around above you is terrifying. Thankfully someone pulled me out and I passed out a few times and . . . it doesnt matter, I'm fine now.
     
    -And I started to SI again. I did it because 1. I wanted to see if anyone would notice, and 2. I actually like the way they look. Is that demented? Maybe a bit. Don't worry, I'm totally in control and if i really need to stop I will.
     
    -I got into a fight with Stephan, and in my head I decided that I was done with living here. Now, I know that we only just moved in not even a month ago, but I'm done living here. So I called around and some friends offered me a place to stay until I figure out what to do.
     
    But ANYWAY . . . I saw "Phantom" yesterday at the Pantages. It was ehh. I dont know, it just seemed like an off night to me. But the leads were amazing.
     
    Im thinking of getting more tattoos.
     
    And the guy? From last post? Not the model, Im done with him, but the other guy. He is a lot of fun. Even though he's HIV+, I really like this one. He's just as damaged as me so its perfect. yay.
     
    Oh. I start college on Monday. I'm not excited.
     
    Songs in my head: Her Hair Is On Fire / Magnetic Baby / That's Kunt - Semi Precious Weapons.
     
    And some people call me Toby. I actually hate the name but its the closest I could get my name to sound like Igby.
     
    Edit: And I never talked about rehab. Its actually not that interesting. I was there over the summer in high school a few years ago. Basically, the pills I took for being Bipolar. I got addicted. So there was that. Plus the SI. A bipolar homo cutting Prozac junkie. That's me. That's like a - quadfecta? Is that a word? Whatever.
     
    I think thats enough for today. Now I need a few hours of sleep. Later.
  12. ashessnow
    . . . sorry. When I get angry I get all . . . ghetto. Sorry. And let me back up.
     
    My friend Jonathan (the one who recently broke up with his boyfriend, moved out of his parents place and into mine and whose cousin recently died) is going a little nutty. Nutty meaning depressed. And stressed. And, well . . . let me explain something about Jonathan. Now this might not be very nice to say, but I don't count him as a friend. More someone I hang with to not be lonely. But I know he counts me as one. So now he needs serious help and I don't want to be the one to give it to him. There are a few things about him that bother me:
     
    1. He's weak. I mean like really weak. If he doesn't want to do something, he won't do it. It's all instant gratification with him. He's such a f**king child.
     
    2. He thinks he knows me. He thinks he understands me. And nothing bothers me more then people who think they get me and so obviously don't.
     
    There are more complaints but I just don't feel like typing anymore. Sooo yes, I'm a terrible person. Oh well.
     
    And he'll probably need to be hospitalized. Why you ask? Cause he's threatened to kill himself. And my first thought was god please kill yourself and save us all some trouble. Now I'll admit at the time I was really pissed at him, but I'll say it again. I'm a terrible person. Ok. I get it. Oh, and take it from someone who HAS been hospitalized before, it's not fun. Did I mention he's my roommate?
    To sum up, I'm being forced to take care of someone who isn't really mentally stable right now. Because, ya know, I'm the f**king posterchild for mental stability.
     
     
    Ugh. Anyway. I decided to go to a community college for the spring semester. Because, as it turns out, there are not many jobs for a dancer when the economy is in the shit. Although, I have so much AP credit that after about a year at PCC I could transfer to Berkeley as a junior. How awesome would that be?
     
     
    I'm trying to remember what I've talked about before. I know I talked about the FOX pilot, I know I've talked about the road trip, I think I've talked about rehab. Well I'm not sure. Ehh, I'm too tired to explain now. Later.
     
     
    And the model is over and done with. He started to bug me.
     
     
    Met a new boy. Taller. 23. Straight black hair. Hazel eyes. Smart. HIV+. We'll see.
     
     
    And http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EH1xtMe2tcs
     
    Current song in my head: Feedback - Janet Jackson.
     
     
    Thats it for me. I need at least 3 hours of sleep to function. Later.
  13. ashessnow
    Jonathan, my good friend who has been living with me, his cousin died today from medical problems. She's had these issues all her life. Over the past few days she steadily got worse and I just heard 10 minutes ago that she died. Question: What do I say or do?
     
    Im taking him out to eat in 20 minutes cause hes been at the hospital hasnt eaten in a while. Then Im guessing back home for a shower or something but after that I dunno. Give him space?
     
    Saying 'sorry' sounds trivial and asking if he's ok is stupid because hes obviously not ok. Anyone? Ideas?
  14. ashessnow
    [everyone] Hi Torb!
     
    Ugh.
     
    Seriously though. Sex with 7 people in one night? Thats insane. And that was on a Tuesday. A Tuesday for f**ks sake! Ill start from the top:
     
    I went on a road trip to New Orleans. We (me, Joey, Rafa, Jake and Michael (virtually every boy Ive had sex with in the past year (except the "straight" Rafael and more on him later))) packed the convertible and drove. Took about 30 hours of nearly nonstop driving and switching drivers of when one got tired. Driving that though wasnt so bad, except for Texas.
     
    We HATE Texas.
     
    Seriously.
     
    Hate.
     
    I mean honestly, how is it possible that five people get stopped by the police about 100 miles from each other and each gets tickets or warnings? Me, for driving a whole 8 miles over the speed limit. Thats insane! Driving over the bridge into Louisiana we all gave Texas the finger. Soo satisfying.
     
    We left early L.A. saturday morning and arrived sunday afternoon. Got two rooms and each took a very long shower. Cause, well, 5 guys in a car for 30 hours. A convertible yes, but still. Not good. Sunday night was getting unpacked, getting familiar with our surroundings and the french quarter. And the humidity. The heat was fine but the humidity was brutal.
     
    The rest is just a blur of drinking Hurricanes and eating great food. And lots of sex.
     
    Sex. Lots. 7 people. One night. Ok so, at like 1230 am, I thought I was going home with one person and as we were going to his car several other people showed up. And then one person turned out to be 4 people. So it started out with me and 2 of the 4 others on the couch in the living room smoking pot. Which led to the first 3some. After that one of said 3some took me to an actual bedroom.
     
    And after that he suggested I go see the 3rd of the 4.
     
    And after that I was with the 4th of the 4.
     
    Then the 4ths one-night-stand who was still there the night after. 5 is the only name I remember, Marshall.
     
    And then it was another 3some, this time between 4 and 5. Then I was called a cab.
     
    And after that I went to grab a bite to eat at this diner thing across from a club, where I met a cute couple who I hit it off with and who eventually became 6 and 7. That was Tuesday. And fyi, all sex was safe and cosentual, so all of you condom Nazis can hush.
     
    So Wednesday was more partying and sex with someone else, and so was Thursday. Actually Wednesday, Rafa got really pissed at me cause I had sex with some guy on his bed. But then I pointed out that I never had to tell him, and that shut him up.
     
    And Thursday was the night Jake introduced me to a married couple he just met, Patrick and James. Me, Jake and them got really hammered at the club and had a lot of fun. But Patrick really reminded me of myself, just older. Talked and flirted with everyone in sight. I told him about the 7 and he was like, "Ok, I have only a question about the 3somes. How did it work and how did they feel?"
     
    I said, "Well they were all nearly the same position-wise. Someones behind me and someones in front of me. And you know it felt good." We laughed and felt each other up a bit. I got the feeling they wanted a 3some, but that never happened, not with me at least.
     
    I later learned that Jake specifically told them before they even met me, that they could not f**K me. I laughed at that.
     
    Oh, and I was up to 12 guys before we had to leave.
     
    The rest of the trip was more of the same, as well as a cemetery tour and an air boat tour. Both were very cool.
     
    Then we had to evacuate.
     
    Like Thursday of Friday the hotel said it was closing Sunday at 11 just in case, which was fine cause we were leaving early Sunday anyway. Then we were told that it was closing Saturday at 1, so we packed up and left.
     
    The drive back was fine except when we hit Texas. This was the problem: at the time, they didnt know where the hurricane would hit, either Houston or New Orleans. Now we were leaving New Orleans heading on the 10 West to Houston. The problem, was that if Gustav changed direction and headed for Houston, then Houston would be evacuated. They would leave Houston and head East, toward us. At 4am, theyd use contraflow and wed have to reverse direction and drive all the way back, adding a day to our coming back. Basically, we had to get past Houston by 4, or we might have had to have gone all the way back.
     
    We hit traffic and, at one point, went 70 miles in 3 hours (that was terrible) but we got past Houston at 1 am with 3 hours to spare. The rest of the drive was fairly uneventful.
     
     
     
    What else has happened lately?
     
    Umm . . . I lost that recording contract.
     
    Yeah. I decided to be all noble and stick to my beliefs and not compromise myself. What a mistake that was. But oh well. The funny thing was that it was never something I really wanted to do. See, they wanted someone whos out, proud and would make music specifically for the gay scene (ie something to dance to) The problem is while Id dance to that kind of music, I wouldnt make it, and they werent happy about that. My music was more in the vain of I Am Ghost, with a hint of Incubus. But thats done now.
     
     
     
    Umm . . . Rafa broke my handcuffs.
     
    Apparently what I said in my last entry was a jinx or something cause he was in them when he was with his girlfriend and she went to unlock them and the key broke, went to police station and . . . yeah. Lots of drama.
     
    Oh, and our relationship is getting interesting. Why you ask? Cause he, a straight guy, straighter then Jake, the other straight guy I was having sex with, and I made out one night. We havent talked about it.
     
     
     
    Ugh.
     
    Theres more, but thats it for now. Out.
  15. ashessnow
    Graduated high school.
     
    ------The least interesting thing thats happened.
     
     
     
    Rafa, my best friend, got stuck in my handcuffs. Thankfully found the key, then I gave them to Jake to be used on his girlfriend.
     
    ------We were all pretty high if that helps explain anything.
     
     
     
    Got into UC Berkeley.
     
    ------Im excited but cant really afford it. So Ill probably go to community college to get GEs out of the way and transfer.
     
     
     
    Was invited to 2 3somes.
     
    ------In the same day no less. One with the Jake and his girlfriend, the other with Danny (newly out and just turned 20) and Jake.
     
     
     
    Michael and I decided to go our seperate ways.
     
    ------But we had sex a few times before we really broke up.
     
     
     
    Got another tattoo.
     
    ------Its connected to the one I got on my 18th. Its awesome.
     
     
     
    Met an actress from the movie Grease (names Annette, played ChiChi) who told me she could get me on Broadway in 3 months.
     
    ------She 100% serious and Im considering it. Maybe live in NY with a friend and if it doesnt work out, go to college there or come back in a few years and go to Berkeley as planned.
     
     
     
    Had sex with a guy (the Jake from above) to help figure out if hes straight or gay.
     
    ------Hes still not sure, so apparently were going to have to try it a few more times to be sure. He really does have a girlfriend.
     
     
     
    Kind of, but not really raped.
     
    ------Ok so that last bit seemed more dramatic then it actually was. Met a guy in a club, I said no then stopped saying no.
     
     
     
    Missed my youngest brothers 7th birthday.
     
    ------That sucked. I wish I was still in my brothers lives, but my parents ended that. I could really careless about about them, but my brothers are important.
     
     
     
    Going out with the guy who waters my the plants at my buildings.
     
    ------Hes very different. Nice and . . . gentle, I suppose. He would be really good for me but, I dunno. We'll see.
     
     
     
    Theres more but I dont feel like going into it right now.
  16. ashessnow
    -------Swear to god, someone told that to me the other day. I just kinda looked at him, a questioning look on my face, confused and surprised and offended. I guess I just don't consider myself "mentally ill." It sounds so, wrong. But I suppose it's true, bipolar disorder is mentally ill, though it's a mood disorder. It's most notable when people meet me for the first time. I've seen it many times. Hard to maintain relationships too. People are kept at a safe distance.
     
    -------So Friday night was...interesting. Some friends and I went to another friends house to smoke hookah and cigars, and use his hot tub. 'Course I bought the tobacco cause I actually have an ID. So it was the five of us: me, my best friend Rafael, my semi/kinda boyfriend Michael and Eli (the annoying idiot), all of us at an old friend Konrad's house.
     
    It was mostly Rafa, Michael and I who smoked hookah cause we could actually handle smoking. But Eli and Konrad were into the cigars. But we all talked about several things like movies and hot girls/guys. Michael and I have always been open about being gay and our yet-to-be-defined relationship so they were used to our more...physical affection for each other. Which, at the moment, were simple kisses, looks and grazing touches.
     
    -------Then we were ready to get into Konrad's hot tub. So we changed into swimming clothes and got in. The water was really hot and the night air sooo cold. We brought the hookah to the side of the tub and conversation quickly turned to sex. Eli and Konrad admitted to being virgins. Now I've never been shy about my body or sex life so I have no problems with giving the more...private(?) details. It was kinda funny though. Three straight, horny half-naked teens asking two gay horny half-naked teens about their sex life.
     
    --------For example, when Michael was off going to the bathroom in the bushes, Rafael made some comment said something about f**king him hard. This is how it went:
    rafa: "...f**K him hard. hahahaha!"
    me: "there's so many things I could say to that right now that would f**K you up..."
    rafa: "what? say it, say it!"
    me: "you really want to know?"
    rafa: "yeah! say it!"
    me: "then I would say its not really him getting f**ked."
    :silence:
    rafa: "hah....uhh, hmm...so, umm...do you like, give it or uhh, take it?"
    me: "you really want to know?"
    rafa: "uhh..."
    me: "well if you really want to know...Im pretty versatile. I like anything. But michael is a top so I tend to bottom. Can you figure out those sexual positions?"
    rafa: "...yeah, I'm not that dumb."
    me: "well congrats! you've been schooled in the ways of gay sex!"
    rafa: "woohoo." :sarcasm:
     
    -------So yeah. Through such frank honesty I learned that everyone had jacked off at least once and Rafa 3 times. Approximate penis sizes, rumors of sexuality, porn sites, fantasies and the like. I felt Michael up a bit under the water which was fun. Most of the time I sat in his lap or against him. So obviously everyone was pretty horny and couldn't really get out of the hot tub for a while. But after the sex talk there was holding hands while jumping in the pool (please keep in mind that we were in the hot tub for a while, that it was 50 degrees outside, at 11pm and then we jumped in the pool) twice.
     
    We then all got sudden cravings for In-N-Out, but not before going out and picking up another friend Mary Lou, who had to lay across the three of us in the backseat to fit. Her head was first in my crotch, but I think she was glad it was me and not any of the straight guys.
     

    Soo that was Friday. Then there was a Saturday.


     
    -------So saturday was a party at Michaels. Jake (in the closet to everyone) got drunk and jumped in the pool naked. Rafael was letting his vibrating phone rest against his crotch. I was making out with Michael in the living room. There was a few other people there but they arent important. Muhammad and Logan were drinking in the kitchen. After that we all smoked pot and watched Fear and Loathing. Purely coincidental that it was on TV but my idea to watch it. Very trippy.
     
    Michaels parents let me sleep in his room. They know all about our relationship and dont really mind us having sex, they just want us to be safe. Everyone else passes out around the house. The rest of Sunday is lounging around. We all had a bit of a hangover so we just hung out. Drove everyone home at around 6pm and got back to my house by 630.
     
    -------Worked a bit on a few stories of mine and did some Lit homework. Then went out to Pinkberry, a most awesome frozen yogurt place, with Taylor and Sevi. Nearly spilled some in Taylor's car but luckily didn't. Unknowingly took a detour to miley Cyrus's house. Sevi's in love with her and knows where she lives. He screamed out the car, "I wanna f**K you up the ass!" and we drove away.
     
     
    Overall, a fairly normal weekend.
  17. ashessnow
    Yes he does. He told me so.
    -----Well, he didnt really TELL me per say, but he wrote it down in his notes. How do you know you ask? Because I HAVE his notes. How you ask? Because I stole them! (Long story short, I took them and photocopied them. That was actually pretty short. Nevermind.)
    Ok he didnt say he hates me exactly he just said I'm one f**ked up nutbag and I should kill myself just to spare everyone the pain and misery of having to deal with me.
    -----Well, okay, he didnt really say that either but you get it right? Fine, you judge what he said...
     
    The Bad
    "self-destructive"
    "recognizes yet is unable to alter behavior"
    "disgusted by his own behavior"
    "masochistic tendencies"
    "manipulative"
    "promiscuous"
     
    The Good
    "possessing untested but high intelligence..."
    This is totally blowing everything way out of proportion. Anyway here ya go, some favorites of mine:
     
    Movie Quotes
    "Throw one at me if you want, hash head. I've got all five senses and I slept last night, that puts me six up on the lot of you."
     
    "'Tis but a scratch."
     
    "I am Frau Bl
  18. ashessnow
    Forgot to put this into the last post which was about politics (thus this part is like, Politics II). Funny and true:
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rhw8DFSGzvg
     
    I was going to put up another vid of Richard Jeni, but for some reason it is not working. So, if you want, look up "richard jeni gay baby" on youtube. Very funny.
     
    And Now, For A Public Service Announcement:
     
    "The very word "secrecy" is repugnant in a free and open society; and we are as a people inherently and historically opposed to secret societies, to secret oaths and to secret proceedings. For we are opposed around the world by a monolithic and ruthless conspiracy that relies primarily on covert means for expanding its sphere of influence
  19. ashessnow

    Politics

    By ashessnow,

    I was talking politics with a friend of mine and I think I want to explain my views. I am pretty liberal, but I can usually understand both sides of an argument. Here's just what I think of a few things:
     
    The President
    I think that people don't give him enough credit. I mean honestly, he's doing the best he can. I doubt he had some ulterior motives when getting into office. People expect him to make these godlike decisions and forget he's just a man. Can you imagine how stressful that job must be? Making a decision that could cost the lives of thousands of people when not making it could be even more damaging? There's no way I could do it, and neither could you.
    And the other thing is that people blame him for so much, which I suppose is the main purpose of the executive, a figurehead who gets blamed if something goes wrong, but its pretty ridiculous. Like Hurricane Katrina - what was he supposed to do? Disaster relief isn't exactly his job. People were told to leave and they didn't. And people keep saying how anyone could do a better job - really? Anyone?
     
    Congress
    When the democrats were first elected into congress in 2006, at the time I figured Hillary or at least a democrat would win in 2008. The people saw that staying in power for a long periods of time leads to corruption. There were ton of stories of right-wing hypocrisy like Ted Haggard, that anti-gay priest caught with a male hooker and drugs or the congressman who was caught sabotaging his opponents voting numbers. After all those stories everyone realized things truly needed to change.
    But after watching the democrats take over congress, I'm not sure if Hillary (who I would be voting for) or any democrat is as electable to the presidency as I thought they were. The people of this country voted for real change. They were tired of the war and they wanted someone to stand up to the president and get something done. So they got into office and did absolutely nothing. Early on we kept hearing about Nancy Pelosi, and the first woman Speaker, and the First Hundred Days and blah blah blah. But in the two years has there been any change? At all? No. The democrats did what they always do, they cowered in the corner and begged not to be made fun of.
    I read an article recently and it was talking about how the democrats were worried they were becoming to overconfident. After reading that I couldn't imagine why. They have absolutely no reason to be. I understand that they don't really want to piss anyone off and they want to get re-elected, but if they don't do the job they were sent into office to do, there's no way they will to be elected again. They had a job, given a huge opportunity and they failed miserably. If I was a republican who was tired enough of my own party and decided to vote for the opposing party, after watching how things have been going for the past two years, it would be enough to never vote for a democrat again. Or maybe just never vote again, period.
     
    I know from rereading this post it might not sound like I'm liberal, but I am. I think the reason I'm so hard on the liberals is because they just don't do anything. They were given an amazing precedent - they could have owned the stage for years to come, but they blew it. At least republicans are loud and aren't afraid. That's really what the democrats need - some f**king balls.
  20. ashessnow
    I recently got in to a conversation with an acquaintance about the nature of insanity and the mentally ill, and I guess he didn't know about me (bipolar) because the stuff he was saying was really unnerving. I mean, I don't think of myself as mentally ill. But I guess I am. And is that what others say about me? I'm crazy? That I'm mentally ill? I am going to think more on this . . .
     
    I think I've decided on a tattoo design for my 18th birthday.
     
    Smoking hookah and pot with your pseudo/semi/kinda-boyfriend, his older sister and father, and two other friends is not something you really forget. Gina is Michael's sister who I've known longer than Michael himself and Michael is my pseudo/semi/kinda-boyfriend who I've known since middle school. I work with Gina at a dance studio (Did I say I got a job at a dance studio? Choreographing jazz/ballet technique and assistant choreographing hip hop). But her arguing with Michael in front of their father about whose pot pipe we were using was just something else.
     
    The next day was Thursday and it was Taylor's 17th birthday so me and a bunch of others decided to skip school and go to Knott's Barry Farm. And Knott's on a Thursday morning is frickin empty, it was awesome. We immediately went on 4 rides twice each time. We basically finished the entire park in like 2 hours, but we were like, on the floor from dizziness. It was tough, but the day overall was pretty fun.
     
    <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rmhll6BGOoU" target="_blank">http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rmhll6BGOoU</a>
  21. ashessnow
    Chicago - Sufjan Stevens
     
     
    I fell in love again
    all things go, all things go
    drove to Chicago
    all things know, all things know
    we sold our clothes to the state
    I don't mind, I don't mind
    I made a lot of mistakes
    in my mind, in my mind
     
    you came to take us
    all things go, all things go
    to recreate us
    all things grow, all things grow
    we had our mindset
    all things know, all things know
    you had to find it
    all things go, all things go
     
    I drove to New York
    in a van, with my friend
    we slept in parking lots
    I don't mind, I don't mind
    I was in love with the place
    in my mind, in my mind
    I made a lot of mistakes
    in my mind, in my mind
     
    you came to take us
    all things go, all things go
    to recreate us
    all things grow, all things grow
    we had our mindset
    all things know, all things know
    you had to find it
    all things go, all things go
     
    if I was crying
    in the van, with my friend
    it was for freedom
    from myself and from the land
    I made a lot of mistakes
    I made a lot of mistakes
    I made a lot of mistakes
    I made a lot of mistakes
     
    you came to take us
    all things go, all things go
    to recreate us
    all things grow, all things grow
    we had our mindset
    all things know, all things know
    you had to find it
    all things go, all things go
     
    you came to take us
    all things go, all things go
    to recreate us
    all things grow, all things grow
    we had our mindset
    (I made a lot of mistakes)
    all things know, all things know
    (I made a lot of mistakes)
    you had to find it
    (I made a lot of mistakes)
    all things go, all things go
    (I made a lot of mistakes)
     
    Good song.
     
     
    My head is going in a million different places at once. My brain actually hurts. I think I'm in love with Joey. No, that's stupid. I am in love with Joey. Of course, he's back in Hawaii.
     
    I'm about to become depressed. I can feel when I'm about to become depressed and it's about to happen. Can any other bipolar people feel their moods change? No? Well, whatever. Give it a few days.
     
    I was born in New York. Did you know that? I'm came here (New York) for the 9/11 ceremony. I wasn't actually there there, but I watched it. Nice speeches. I don't want to talk about it, but I am here and am coming back to L.A. later. So yeah, later.
  22. ashessnow
    Ok, lets say you're friends with someone for a very long time. He has always been there for you and all that and now you live together as roommates with another person. Now lets say there's a party at your house and you both get pretty tipsy and you end up . . . well . . . ever seen Gray's Anatomy? Yeah . . . so anyway, what happens now? The tension is still there but we haven't really talked about it. I mean it was an accident, I think. Like, it was the booze, right? It was really good though. Surprisingly good . . . I have no idea what I'm saying.
     
    In other news, I just got a singing contract thingy! I've never done anything one might consider professional, but it's one of those weird like, totally uncontrived happenstance type of thing. The thing is, I just got the contract and figure it would be a smart move to get a lawyer look at it. My dad is a lawyer but there's no way in hell I would ask him. Although the thing is like, this is a legal document and I'll probably have to get my parents to sign something, but we havent spoken since they threw me out (mostly for being bipolar and without treatment, and a bit for being gay), which was 4 years ago. I've heard of a place in Hollywood thats like a coffee shop type thing, but lawyers hang out there and give free advice to the people who go in, on anything from divorce to taxes and things, and its all done for free. Anyone know of it?
     
    Well, thats all thats new here. Sex with my roommate/best friend and a recording contract. And on my AP's, I got a 4 in Calculus, and 5's in English, Psych and Spanish which is cool. And get my SAT results Thursday. That's it. Til later!
     
    A few years ago (starts at like 1:10 then again at 2:45):
  23. ashessnow

    Alone

    By ashessnow,

    Alone
     
    From childhood's hour I have not been
    As others were; I have not seen
    As others saw; I could not bring
    My passions from a common spring.
    From the same source I have not taken
    My sorrow; I could not awaken
    My heart to joy at the same tone;
    And all I loved, I loved alone.
    Then- in my childhood, in the dawn
    Of a most stormy life- was drawn
    From every depth of good and ill
    The mystery which binds me still:
    From the torrent, or the fountain,
    From the red cliff of the mountain,
    From the sun that round me rolled
    In its autumn tint of gold,
    From the lightning in the sky
    As it passed me flying by,
    From the thunder and the storm,
    And the cloud that took the form
    (When the rest of Heaven was blue)
    Of a demon in my view.
     
    ~Edgar Allan Poe
     
    Update later . . .
  24. ashessnow
    Hawaii, a Death and a Wedding. Seriously.
     
    Hawaii
     
    So I just got back from Hawaii, the best freakin trip I've ever had. It was amazing and beautiful. The parties, surfing and people were so much fun I miss it desperately. Especially compared to the concrete wasteland that is LA.
     
    I miss Joey most of all though. Being the oldest friend I know, we got to reminisce about all the trouble we got in together as kids. And 7 years is a long time not to see or really even talk to someone so we had a lot to talk about. An ex-girlfriend (that really threw me) of his really hurt him and for a while he screwed up in school, but now he is doing well and working at a small clothing store. Realized he was bi after meeting a guy where he worked and they went out for a while. Doing well in school and such so to me it sounded like his life was really coming together, which I was happy about.
     
    Then I had to tell him about all the stuff about me: thrown out of the house by my parents for partying, living with two good friends, a recording contract and bipolar. But everything was coming together with me too so it was fine. Anyway, we made plans that he would come out to see me in a few weeks so it's all good.
     
    Death
     
    Stephan's father died. A drunk driver hit him Tuesday morning on the way to work and he died on route to the hospital. It made me think for a while. If my own father died, my life would really not be any different. When I had that thought I wished it was my father. That's sad but honestly though, I have absolutely no relationship with my dad, while Stephan and his dad were incredibly close. I lived with his family after my own kicked me out and they tried to make me feel as welcome as possible in such a crappy situation. To have his father go is just unfair.
     
    I'm not used to comforting people. I'm not really good at it. I'm just usually not the one who does it. Usually, Stephan is making me feel better when I'm depressed or whatever; it's him taking care of me. It almost always is. Of the two of us, I'm the one who is screwing up or whatever and he's there to help. And now he needs my help, and I was not quite sure what to do/say. I didn't want to be patronizing or condescending so I just made sure he knew I'm totally there for him when he needs it. That's the kind of thing he'd do for me. If I was depressed and curled up in a ball on my bed, he'd get in bed and just hang out, like read a book or something. Not really say anything, he'd just be near me so I'd know he's there for me and is ready when I am. I figure it's my turn now.
     
    Wedding
     
    Tina's getting married! Tina is a good friend of mine who I've known for a few years. We worked together in some god forsaken restaurant. Craig, her boyfriend-of-two-years-turned-fianc
  25. ashessnow
    So I've been in Hawaii for the past few weeks hanging out with my old friend (Joey) and attempting to surf. Everyone has been laughing at me for the past two weeks in my attempts, but I haven't yet been discouraged. Joey has grown into a very . . . uhh . . . tempting guy with all the surfing; however, with the population of friends I haven't slept with declining I feel it is necessary to keep our friendship to borderline flirting only.
     
    And I don't get hungry. Really. I feel hungry like twice a day, usually at about 4 then 10 pm. The problem is that I only feel hungry for, a short time. And if I miss that "window" then I stop feeling hungry. So let's say I'm busy at work or school or something, and I feel hungry but am too busy to do anything about it, then I don't eat. Unfortunately I had to nearly pass-out a few times from not eating for several days before I really thought it was a problem.
     
    Stephan and I talked. I mean it was just a matter of time right? He's my best friend/roommate and a drunken tryst shouldn't end our friendship. So the tension between us is mostly gone. Now the tension's more like,"Hey, I know what you look like naked!" so it's all good.
     
    And my SAT scores were kickass! I was so surprised!
     
    Other then that, nothing else really happening here. But I gave a small performance singing at a bar here and it was a lot of fun! The songs are just flowing out of me now which is a relief cause I've had a tough time writing for a while. Anyway that's it. Later!
     
    Go here------> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mp7PadUoYwA
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