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A question on mourning etiquette.


ashessnow

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Jonathan, my good friend who has been living with me, his cousin died today from medical problems. She's had these issues all her life. Over the past few days she steadily got worse and I just heard 10 minutes ago that she died. Question: What do I say or do?

 

Im taking him out to eat in 20 minutes cause hes been at the hospital hasnt eaten in a while. Then Im guessing back home for a shower or something but after that I dunno. Give him space?

 

Saying 'sorry' sounds trivial and asking if he's ok is stupid because hes obviously not ok. Anyone? Ideas?

5 Comments


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Not quite sure either, I do have a few ideas though.. Maybe help him with some errands he needs or take his mind off.

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Just be around for when he needs you. Don't make comments you know are inadequate or obvious. Being there for when he needs your support and backing off for when he doesn't is the best you can do for him.

 

Everyone's different but I would say don't try to distract him. He needs his time to grieve. Let him dwell on it for a while if that's what he wants. Trying to make him stop doing so is cheating him of expressing his emotions.

 

Having recently gone to the funeral of a loved one myself I know that part is important.

 

If your relationship allows it, give him a silent hug. Sometimes 'grownups' need to be little again for a minute.

 

Of course this advice is probably hours too late. I hope everything went as well as could be expected.

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Dion is right .

Express your support not by talking, but just being there form him. Be ready to listen if he wants to talk. What's grieving

people needs the most is presence, and silence.....

 

For believers, praying together could sometimes help.

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I'm sure your friend will get comfort from you being there. One of the worst things you could say would be "I know how you're feeling", because nobody but the person grieving knows how they feel.

 

You could be honest with your friend and tell him that you are not sure of the best way to help him, but that you want to be there for him and support him in any way he wants you to. And yes, if you have the sort of friendship where you hug, then hug. You will probably find that your friend has days when he seems better, and then days, or moments when he suddenly becomes emotional. That is part of the grieving process and he needs to go through that.

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I'd recommend giving him a good, long hug, then simply asking, "Do you want to talk about it?"

 

If he does, then you really don't have to SAY anything in particular, just listen to him and be attentive and responsive. If he doesn't want to talk about it then just be with him and offer your support.

 

Maybe I'm weird but I personally wouldn't want to have someone silently around if I were grieving. I'd either want to talk about it or I'd want to be alone. Or as a third less likely scenario I'd want the person to 'distract me', but I'd personally feel a little uncomfortable with so much unsaid emotion hanging in the air.

 

That said, it might be exactly what he wants and needs. Everyone grieves differently. Some people want space, some people want to talk about it, some people want to talk about something else, and some people do just appreciate someone 'being there'. It's also not uncommon or unlikely that what he wants and need will change. Maybe he'll want to be alone at first and then he'll want to talk about it. Or maybe he'll just want you to be there for awhile, then gradually he'll want to talk about it.

 

First and foremost try to follow his lead.

 

:hug:

 

Good luck,

Kevin

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