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On May 12th 2011, I OD'd.


ashessnow

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Hitting rock bottom at 21 is pretty impressive I think. No? Well...ok. Maybe not.

 

On what you ask? Thats for me to know. But it was, to be completely honest, the worst experience of my life, and considering how much I've been through, that's really saying something.

 

I'll start from the beginning:

 

Here in Los Angeles there is this thing called L.A. Artwalk. Google it. In Downtown ,every gallery is open for anyone, there's tons of music and food trucks and it's all just groovy. My best friend S. is in a band, and her band was one of many selected to play at Artwalk. Super cool!

 

So i'm with all my friends, and we bring a handle of tequila and some vodka. Before we arrived at Artwalk, I had a bottle of wine to myself, so I was feeling pretty good.

 

My friends band sets up and starts to play and they did an amazing job. Now, right after they finished, I went around and found an ally to be by myself and to get high.

 

This is about the place where things get fuzzy. Now, as soon as the drugs hit my system I knew something was very, very wrong. I remember coming around the corner of the ally, looking at the sea of people walking around, and realizing just how bad I was. The best I can describe it: I remember remarking to myself that it was like a stop-motion picture. But that was only the beginning.

 

It's tough to remember everything, mainly because for some strange reason EVERYTHING about that night that I do remember, I remember backwards and I have no idea why. Meaning when I awoke I was told the first thing that happened to me was passing out by the stage, when I thought that was the last thing that happened. Weird.

 

From what I could gather, I had made my way from the ally to the stage and passed out. (All my friends were near the stage). I remember lying on the ground trying to get control of myself and not being able to, I remember flashes of light as people took pictures and thats about it. I also remember for about the span of 7 seconds, gaining enough control of myself to literally jump up to my feet, to the surprise and applause of the crowd that had gathered around me. Then my friends came to take me back and lay me down somewhere.

 

I remember being laid down and floating in and out of consciousness. I remember when I stopped breathing. I remember at that moment thinking - I really hope someone notices I've stopped breathing right now or I could die - as I could hear my friends voices around me. I remember my friends A., S., and W. trying to tell me that the cops were here and that we had to go, and I remember the helicopter's spotlight on me. Thats about it.

 

All of this was horribly embarassing, because not only did my friends have to take care of me, but because there was a ridiculous amount of people I kinda knew there, that saw the whole thing. In fact, 2 days ago, at my friend's band's music video shoot which I was in charge of, people came up to me and said this: OMG! I was at Artwalk, I'm so glad you're not dead! sleep.png

 

Oh, and this is strange but I had a hard time watching the first few minutes of the movie Limitless cause it reminded me of what it was like to be lying there on the gound. If you wanna know what I was seeing while it was happening, aside from the stop-motion stuff which was how it seemed at the very beginning, it looked almost exactly like this:

 

 

There's more, but it's just the gross stuff and I definitely don't want to go into that. Needlessly to say, a few days later, I was sitting in my first NA meeting. 8 months clean today. smile.png

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Well the one good thing about hitting rock bottom is that there's nowhere to go but up...

 

also...dont assume you've hit rock bottom, cuz when youre 35 so to speak and reach a new low...well......lets hope that doesnt happen

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Hey now, the thirties are not that bad. Well, I'm in my first year so maybe it gets worse.

 

I feel for you Ashes. You don't think so at the time but drugs make a person stupid. I remember partying one night when I was 14. Similar start to yours, lots of drinking. Then the other things showed up. Whatever I had was laced with something else because I could swear my heart was going to explode and I was going to shake apart. I ended up getting dropped off at home at midnight, left alone to hide in my room where I proceeded to stay up the rest of the night wondering if I should wake up my parents to take me to the ER before I had a heart attack.

 

It hurt and you would think an intelligent person would not do that again. I didn't learn my lesson though and it took two more years of stupidity before I cleaned up my act. As bad as it sounds, the final straw was way worse.

 

So, 21... not that bad for you to wake up and smell the coffee (which is horrid at AA/NA meetings, btw). You did stupid stuff but you're changing that around now and making a new path. Maybe you can help someone else in time learn from your mistakes and make them have a little bit more purpose. I'm so glad for your sake that you are okay and that you have managed to go 8 months of one day at a time. Keep it up!!

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I got my 8 year chip in October so there are a few people around who have been there.

 

When I was using I ODed a few times. Depending on the drugs its always different.

 

Once I ODed on speed, I couldn't sleep for days. I was more psycho and aggressive than I usually am. It's no fun laying in bed wishing for sleep and you just can't- for a few days at a time. When the drugs finally did wear off, I was out for like 36 hours. I woke up to go to the bathroom and drink water but then- flop.

 

Other times I know that I ODed but I was too big- I could take a lot more than most people and not die. I'd just sleep it off and feel like I had died.

 

I did know people who died. A guy I used to buy weed from mixed uppers and downers and never came back.

 

It's crazy and the sooner you get off the crap, the better off you are.

 

It's not like I'm never tempted to get an 8-ball for a weekend or a bottle sometimes- I just remember where it took me and I don't want to go there again.

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