It really just sucks the life out of you. To be completely honest, Ive been finding it harder and harder to care about things - and this entry will be a bit scattered and Im sorry for that, but I just had to get my thoughts down.

I was pretty close to voluntarily committing myself because of all the issues in my head, but I got over it. But now its back.

Ya know that saying, time heals all wounds, or whatever? Well thats bullshit with depression. It doesnt get easier to deal with, it just gets harder. Because all I have is time.

Im reminded of Satre, or at least I think it was Sarte, (maybe Camus?) who talked about suicide. He said that there was value in it. Or rather, there was nothing that made it inherently wrong, thus it is not wrong. But we consciously reject it everyday because of our natural curiosity with the world. My issue is that I'm losing my curiosity. i am becoming indifferent. I dont think thats a good thing, so maybe I should find some meds or something.

Ignore everything Ive said thus far, Im a bit drunk.

I just...its just that life sucks.

And dont worry about me - seriously - Im fine. It was just a really crappy day. The anniversary of when I was raped. So yeah - never a good day today.

Not very many people know that actually. Well, only one, to be exact.

And thats not where the depression comes from, trust me. I was...hahaha...born this way. Depression is something Ive wrestled with long before then, Soon enough I will come out of it though. Thats just how it goes.

Ive been chain-smoking again. Not good since I was really close to quitting.

And if youre really concerned about me I told my best friend/roommate that he needs to get me to talk to him. Hes at his girlfriends place so that will be my tomorrow. Im not one to ever talk about myself so he knows its important. Just another day.

I need to start writing again. (Shameless plug for my story https://www.gayauthors.org/story/ashessnow/theharlequin )

Did this help...I dont know. Maybe. But now its 5:46 am and I should get some sleep. Night.