LittleBuddhaTW

I'm not insulted at all, Kevin, so don't worry your pretty little head over it! Just like Nicky, I still have a long way to go until I become the kind of person I would like to be (or even maybe become a Buddha? lol) Life is one big journey, a long process, and we're constantly learning and growing. Several of the faults you pointed out in Nicky are issues that I had when I was his age, and some still come back and bite me in the butt from time to time. But I think that once we realize what our problems are, and start to understand where they arise from, that's the first (and most important) step to overcoming them. And if I'm being any of those things, feel free to point them out ... I promise I won't get angry or offended!

Here's an interesting tidbit I'll just throw out there ... there is a lot of me in Nicky. A lot of people have asked me which one of the characters in SOOTB I am most like, and my answer would have to be none of them. Although none of the events in "Seeking Nirvana" have happened to me, Nicky's personality and personal growth are in many ways (although not all) quite a bit like me. Perhaps that's why it was such an important story to me. The philosophical ideas are also most definitely the ones I adhere to (usually). To answer Kevin's question about Vic, in my mind, he didn't go off to commit suicide, so don't think too negatively. I was well aware of the "legal issues" as Kitty mentioned as well, but going into that would have just been too complicated and awkward, and would have drawn the story away from its main theme -- namely the philosophy and Nicky's personal growth. I would hope that the experience of the roshi's sword being swung at Vic's neck, and his "death glare" would have been enough of a catalyst to cause Vic to reform his ways. As for Calvin's acceptance of his sexuality, I don't think it was that sudden. At least in my mind, he *knew* he was gay, he just didn't *want* to be gay. But finally meeting someone who was, who could share the same fears and concerns he was going through, was a big help. I know it was for me the first time I met another gay person. I'm sure Nicky's self-assurance was a help as well. But I don't know ... you'd have to ask Calvin to be sure! ::wink::

I'm glad you enjoyed the story! I have to purchase three new carriers for my cats that are approved for being put on airplanes, meaning basically that they're more durable. They'll have a little water container inside, and I can refill it when I get them in San Francisco (that's where I have to go through customs). The lady at the pet store told me that there's room in the bottom of the carriers to put some litter, so hopefully they'll do their thing and cover it up so I don't have to deal with shit-covered kitties when I get back to the east coast ... but, I'm expecting they won't be able to hold it that long, and in that confined space will probably get a little "dirty" ... so I'll most likely have to give them a bath when I get home. I won't feed them the morning of the trip, though, so hopefully that will help. They should be able to go 24 hours without food as long as they have water. I'll try and plump them up a bit over the next couple months, too! lol

The mosquitoes are now out in full force, and they have invaded my apartment. I hate having to burn that awful-smelling mosquito repellant incense, but it's the only thing that seems to keep most of them at bay (somewhat). Those little plug-in kinds don't work ... at least not on Taiwanese mosquitoes, which I'm starting to think are some kind of super, genetically-altered mosquitoes. So anyway, my legs are like totally bitten up and itch like hell. Not fun. Yesterday, I bought my one-way airline ticket back to the States. It was actually cheaper than I expected, under US$1,000, plus about $100 per cat. The whole trip, including a stop in Nagoya, Japan, and San Francisco (where I have to change planes) will take about 24 hours. It won't be pleasant for either me or my cats. Hopefully I won't have to take such a long plane trip again for a long time. I've also been pitching more junk, and threw out a box full of books I don't need anymore. I'll probably fill up another garbage bag full of crap today, and next week actually start shipping a couple boxes back home. My goal is to go home with no more than I came over with, except for the cats (and a bunch of books). I also want to pick up some Chinese artwork before I go home, because I'll need some stuff to decorate my new apartment with. I may get some more books, too, because it's hard to find Chinese-language reading material in the States. There's a gay bookstore here in Taipei, and I'd like to go pick up a few gay novels, too. Kitty sent me the first edit of Chapter 10 of SOOTB last night, and I promptly made the corrections (and added a couple little bits) and sent it on back to her, so hopefully it will be ready for posting by this weekend. It's a pretty long chapter. I hope everyone will enjoy it. I'm getting closer to finishing Chapter 13 now that I've finished the rough draft of my chapter of "Service," although I haven't heard back from Dan yet about what he thinks.

Dan, Dan, Dan ... how did I know you would say that? lol *Hugz*

I've just read the first two chapters, and am hooked already! After enjoying "Shane" and "Tyler" so much, though, I should have known I would be. The concept of a "bad boy" who likes to get drunk and sleep around eventually being 'changed' by someone special who comes into his life (as the brief story description says) has always been an idea that has appealed to me, and I'd even tossed around the idea of doing something along those lines in the future ... but I guess that one's going out the window now! lol Anyway, the characterization so far is very good. Obviously, Cameron has some serious issues, no doubt stemming from "daddy dearest" and the abrupt departure of his mother. Kyle seems like a really, really good friend, although it'll be interesting to see how he and (especially) his dad will deal with Cameron being gay, if/when he comes out (or is forced out). I'm also really looking forward to seeing how things will develop between Cameron and Cole, who I'm assuming is that "special someone." At any rate, the story is great so far, and I can't wait to read more!

Thanks, Adam. I hope, like Nicky, you will find your way through your angst and despair and realize that life really can be wonderful. It's more than just a story ... those kind of "experiences" do happen! *Hugz*

Nick, I agree that that was a bad law, even though the issue of marriage should be decided by the states (whether it's heterosexual or homosexual). What's bad about that law is not forcing other states to recognize the gay marriages from other states (a right which heterosexual couples enjoy). However, this is "only" a law, and it could be struck down by the Supreme Court ... although because of Bush's two recent appointees, that is now unlikely. Most people don't realize how important the Supreme Court is, and they will affect our future more so than any president or the Congress. *Hugz*

Send a PM to Myr with all of the details. You can find the info on what you need to send by looking at the stories currently listed in the archive (i.e. link, description, genre, classification, whether it's a series, etc.) *Hugz*

You could always go back and have someone clean them up a bit and re-post them. Now that you're on GA, you'll probably get a lot of new readers, and that would reflect much better on your stories (not that they aren't already very good, because they are). It's never too late to go back and try to make it even better than before!

Shane is one of my very favorite stories. It takes the reader on a roller-coaster of emotions, from sympathy toward the main character, to total horror at what he had to live through, to awe at how strong he was all those years, to delight when his dreams all came true in the end. The characterization, plot, and overall story are excellent. The only "criticism" I have is that it could use an editor to clean it up a bit for grammar, punctuation, spelling, etc. Even the best published authors all have editors, and a good editor can make a good story into a great story.

Since you've mentioned that you'd been asked before about hosting your stories on GA, I think now that you have your own forum here, perhaps you should reconsider. Your stories are definitely unique and well-written, both "Erebi Seeking," your short stories, and your poetry ... it would be a great way to share your works with more people, get more feedback, and also help in expanding GA. I really hope you'll do it, Lugh. I think it would be a good thing!

You really do have an inspiring outlook on life, Kevin ... a little too cheerful, but perhaps that is what we need more of in this crazy, cynical world we live in! I'm also confident that you'll do great ... and like Kitty said, when things do get tough, just keep on breathing ... she wasn't kidding! *Hugz*

OK, Nickolasjames, since you're obviously talking about our little political banter in the chatroom tonight, I went and found a few examples you were looking for, although I still think that if you are going to so vociferously defend the current administration in its stance on the "gay issue," you may want to be more willing to inform yourself of the 'facts' (as you say), rather than demanding that others do it. All it takes is a quick trip to Google to find a few relevant examples ... and these are just a sampling. There is already quite a significant paper trail which shows how the current administration has back-tracked on gay rights. 1) In 1995, Pres. Clinton issued an executive order stating that sexual orientation could not be used as a factor in issuing security clearances to government employees. This was a big step forward for homosexual federal employees. In late 2005, George Bush issued a new executive order, changing the prior one, and stating that for homosexuals, "security clearance cannot be denied solely on the basis of the sexual orientation of the individual." This means that sexual orientation CAN be a factor used to deny security clearance, although not the only one ... this leaves a lot of room for interpretation, and is a step backward. In the law, subtlety can have major consequences. 2) The new Chief Justice of the Supreme Court, John Roberts, wrote in several memos that he did NOT agree with the Supreme Court ruling in "Lawrence v. Texas," which decriminalized sodomy. (Source: Washington Post, August 26, 2005, Page A02) 3) New Associate Justice of the Supreme Court, Samuel Alito, while serving as an appellate judge in 2001, provided the ONLY dissenting opinion in the case "Saxe v. State," which regarded a school district policy that would prohibit harrassment against gay, lesbian, and bisexual students. Despite Judge Alito's assertion that the school district policy was unconstitutional, he did not win, and gay students were protected by law against harrassment because of their sexual orientation. The most worrisome issues are the two new Supreme Court justices and how they will rule on gay rights issues, as the Supreme Court is now tilted in favor of a socially conservative agenda. They will continue to influence our lives long after George Bush is gone from office. These men serve for LIFE and cannot be removed. Both of these men received strong recommendations from numerous anti-gay groups. Anyway, if that's not enough, Nick, you're welcome to go look around for more stuff. There is a long paper trail of court cases, declassified memos, etc. that show in black & white how the current administration's policy's towards gays has been bad. Would the Democrats do better? Maybe not, but they would most likely not erode previous rights that we have obtained like Bush has gone back and attempted to do (see example #1). If you still want to debate, that's up to you, but as for me, case closed. You are entitled to your opinion, and in the coming years, with a number of important gay rights issues already scheduled to come up before the "new" Supreme Court, we will see where the chips fall, so to speak.

Well, I posted my first short story, "Seeking Nirvana," and so far, the feedback has been kind of mixed. I didn't expect that many people would get the "deeper" philosophical meaning I was getting at, and since it's a subject not too many people are familiar with, I can't say I'm surprised that the number of responses hasn't come close to SOOTB. At any rate, two of the important things I was trying to get across were: 1) at all the points where Nicky thought he wasn't "getting it," he actually was. His frustration, his doing battle with his own mind, were an important step towards the final result, that being his "awakening" experience. 2) The issue of 'desire,' and what constitutes 'healthy' desire and 'unhealthy' desire, and the difference between learning to 'control' your desire (which is positive) as opposed to 'suppressing' desire (which is negative). Another issue that has come up, which I was a bit surprised at, is whether or not Buddhism actually is tolerant of homosexuality. Of course, there are some cultures in which Buddhism enjoys a strong popularity, but where homosexuality is looked down upon. Korea and China are two good examples. However, this tends to be for cultural reasons rather than issues with Buddhism itself. In Buddhist scriptures, there is virtually no mention of 'homosexuality.' One of the five major Buddhist precepts forbids one to engage in 'sexual misconduct.' Certainly, one could interpret that to include homosexuality, but when looked at at from the broader perspective of what Buddhism teaches, the main point being universal, unconditional compassion and loving-kindness, judging someone based on sexual orientation doesn't seem to fit. The vast majority of Buddhist scholars and clergy that I have spoken with (and there have been many over my 14 years of practice) all interpret that to mean sex that is non-consensual or in any other way causes intentional harm (physical or emotional) to the other party. I even had a very high-ranking Tibetan lama tell me once at a seminar I attended that he thought that homosexuals by proportion tended to have a higher level of 'spirituality' than others, and he thought it was too bad that he wasn't (re)born as a homosexual. I thought that was pretty cool. Anyway, in other news, today was a pretty busy day. After chatting online for a bit this morning, I went to run some errands, namely picking up my scholarship money for this month, going by the Chinese department office at school, going to the bank, and finally to the hospital to pick up my sleeping meds. Incompetence reigned supreme at the cashier's office where I had to wait forever to pick up my money. Fortunately at the other places, I just had to wait a while, which I've learned is easy to do when I have music to listen to and can drown out the high volume of noise that is always present here (remember, second most densely populated country on earth?) I was a little annoyed, though, to find out how much actually goes into getting my M.A. degree. I thought that all I had to do was turn in my application, a copy of my thesis, and then take the oral exam. Well, I thought wrong. I have to turn in the application and three bound copies of my thesis. Then, I take the oral exam in front of a thesis committee (my graduate advisor, and two other professors that she will hand pick). That's no big deal, as she wouldn't let me test yet if I couldn't pass. They will give me my grade right then and there, as well as comments for improvement, and I will know immediately whether or not I passed. However, that is NOT the end ... Next, I have to make whatever revisions they suggest (very quickly), then I have to take the final draft of my thesis and get three hardback copies made, and one soft-cover copy (which will be quite expensive). I turn one hardback copy into the Chinese department, then the other three to the university's library. I also have to forward an electronic copy of my thesis to the library. Once they have received all of that and it has been confirmed, and my thesis has been uploaded to the internet (at least two working days), then I have to go back to the Chinese department to get my final 'confirmation' of graduation. I then take that to the Office of Graduate Student Affairs where I can get my actual diploma (Chinese and English copies). And, I have only a few weeks to get all of this done, which will be happening in June, when I'm trying to get the last-minute preparations for my move taken care of. June will NOT be a fun month. Anyway, that's it for now. If you haven't had a chance to read "Seeking Nirvana," I hope you will. Hopefully, the next chapter of SOOTB will be out within a week or so. I'm also finishing up my chapter of "Service: Vampire Jarred 2" ... I'm about 2/3 finished so far. Then I'll send it off to Dan and Dom to go over and see if they want me to make any changes.

Too bad Jon's not gay ..........

From a literary critic's point of view, I think it's well-written and definitely unique -- something which is unusual (and nice) to find in the genre of online gay fiction. One could also see many autobiographical elements in the psyche of the main character. From a personal point of view, it makes me horny! lol

The Dalai Lama has a lot of good 'intro to Buddhism" books ... they always have a ton of his stuff at Barnes & Noble or Border's bookstores. For a little more advanced reading on Zen, the best book is "The Three Pillars of Zen" by Philip Kapleau.

I haven't read that one ... I'll have to go check it out. Sumbloke and I practice different forms of Buddhism, but in the end, they're all seeking the same thing, just different ways to get there. I'll definitely add that to my "have to" reading list, and I, too, hope that Sumbloke will leave some comments on the story as well!

Definitely a wonderful and touching chapter, Dan. Thank you!

It's finally up ... my new short story, "Seeking Nirvana" http://littlebuddhatw.gayauthors.org/short...ng_nirvana.html I'm not sure if this will be everyone's cup of tea, or if many people will even understand, but it's the kind of thing I've been wanting to write for a while, and share some of my beliefs, while making it entertaining (I hope) and not sounding "preachy." Fortunately, Kitty is also very knowledgeable about the ideas that I discuss in the story, so she was, of course, the perfect editor, and she did an especially good job on this one. She and I both enjoyed working on it together very much, and I hope some of the readers will enjoy it as well. If you have any comments or questions, please either leave them here, send me a PM, or drop me an e-mail at LittleBuddhaTW@hotmail.com Also, many thanks to Xandra Kitee for designing a GREAT logo for the story!

That's great! But I still think we should find ways to do more promotion ... I belong to a discussion forum for expats (foreigners) living in Taiwan, and they have over 20,000 members ... that's a very select community, whereas there are TONS of people who enjoy reading gay fiction. We should be able to get a lot more members. How else can we go about recruiting? Any ideas?

I've been where you are before, Adam, and like Kitty, I've dealt with depression and anxiety on and off for a number of years. Just because you're mom's a psychiatrist, it doesn't mean she's the best one for YOU. Just like each anti-depressant has different side-effects, each therapist is different. You need to find one that is right for you, as well as a medication to get you stabilized. It took me several different medications before I found one that worked for me, and it can be frustrating, but there are so many out there now that you're bound to find one that fits you. I'm not sure which side-effects you're particularly not fond of, but what many males dislike is that some anti-depressants have certain sexual side-effects. If that's what you're referring to, then Wellbutrin and Effexor are two that do not have this particular side-effect. They are anti-depressants, but they are not in the same class as drugs like Prozac, Paxil, and Zoloft, which are the ones that most commonly have the sexual side-effects. Anyway, talk to your mom as soon as possible, and she might be able to recommend someone for you to go talk to. She should also understand that you need someone else, an outside, third-party to listen to you, rather than her. This is because it would be hard for her to separate the "mom" and the "doctor." As a trained and licensed psychiatrist, I'm sure she knows this. You might think you can handle things on your own, but you never know when things might get out of control, and we don't always think straight (no pun intended!) when we should. That being said, there is light at the end of the tunnel. I'm finishing up on my meds, because my doctor doesn't think I need them any more, and they have helped. I haven't been back to counseling in over a year either. Sure, I still go through periods of depression and feeling miserable, but I've learned how to deal with those on my own now, with help from counseling. You should never feel like you have to go it alone, because there is help out there for you. *Hugz*

The next time you chat with him online, you can "tease" him by complaining that he didn't live up to his promises about the hug and going over to your place. Maybe he had a bad morning or something else happened ... you never know. Don't jump to conclusions either way until you have the chance to talk with him. It's amazing what a little communication between friends can do ... you don't have to "out" yourself to him or tell him you have a crush on him, but you can tell him that the way he acted hurt you, or made you feel like you're his friend only when it's convenient for him, or something like that. And, in his mind, it's obviously okay for him to flirt with you (which is what he was doing -- how serious he was about it is debatable), so you should be able to playfully flirt with him, too. Give it a try ... nothing too serious, just a little teasing and flirting. You might be surprised. So, anyway, don't get depressed yet. The Apocolypse has not arrived! *Hugz*

Awwww, Kurt, that's so sweet! Thank you very much! *Hugz*