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mollyhousemouse

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  1. mollyhousemouse

    Identity

    By mollyhousemouse,


    member
    Who am i? It’s a question i think we all ask from time to time. i've been asking that a lot recently. i’m doing some work on myself, talking with a therapist almost weekly and it’s been a really good thing.
    Except.
    i'm discovering that i’m not who i thought i was.
    Kind of.
    i’ve discovered that i really am “good enough” and that “good enough” isn’t “average” or “meh” in the way that it was in my head. “Good enough” always had a negative connotation. But it’s not really a negative.
    So, yeah, i am good enough. i’ve discovered that i am damn good. That the fear that was activating, ramping up, encouraging my anxious responses was just that, fear. It wasn’t that i wasn’t “good enough” or “a failure.” It was that i had thought, i had believed, that i wasn’t damn good or good enough or that i was a failure.
    Some of that was input from authority figures growing up, from other managers, other authority figures in past jobs. Almost a brainwashing… although i’m not sure if my therapist would agree with that term.
    The process hasn’t been, won’t be, easy. Just saying those things isn’t enough, i have to believe them, honestly in my heart and in my head believe them.
    The thing is this isn’t just how it affects my professional life. i’ve uncovered how it affected my personal life. That i am worthy of the love i receive, i am worthy to see myself the way Phil sees me, i am confident in what i do.
    So, who am i now? I’m still figuring that out.
    i am confident, capable and worthy. i am “damn good, not just good enough.” i am not a failure.
  2. mollyhousemouse
    Anxiety is like a long, dark tunnel. You can maybe, if you squint just right, see a dim light at the far end. But as you move towards it, it flickers and dims as you encounter a turn in the tunnel. You begin to doubt that there was a light. That what you saw was just a figment of your imagination.
    You do, eventually, reach some light. Only to find another tunnel. And it’s just as dark. And twisty.
    The tunnel is cold, damp, and dark. Very, very dark. Sometimes, you can see that light flicker. Sometimes, you can almost hear voices. They call to you, some faintly, some a bit clearer, it’s an almost comforting sound. There are louder voices too. What you hear from them is far from comforting, and they seem to suck what light and air are in the tunnel out.
    You might find a small light you can carry with you. If you’re lucky. Having this light can make the comforting voices clearer and the loud ones seem quieter.
    Now the tunnel doesn’t seem as dark, but finding your way out still involves dark spots that need getting through.
    Slowly, if you keep working at it, the tunnel becomes warmer, not as dark or as cold. There are still dark patches, but the comforting voices are also there. Your light seems brighter.
    As the light gets brighter, you start seeing things, people, that you couldn’t see in the dark. Slowly, you reach out to those things. Hoping they help keep you out of the dark patches as you come back to the light.
  3. mollyhousemouse

    it's gone

    By mollyhousemouse,


    member
    it's been a really long couple of weeks. i have to become proficient in a new skill by end of summer. i'm being asked/told that the way i do my job MUST change. and it must happen now. not sure if i can do it.
    i have never done well with change.  ever. and now here is the BIG BOSS telling me that while i am among the best at what i do that he's ever worked with, i must change. i must take on tasks that haven't been mine in the past. i don't know if i can do it.
    i embarrassed my manager by fumbling through a presentation. in another meeting i wasn't able to provide data to back up my confidence in reaching a billing goal. i know we can hit that goal, but was unable to show why. i couldn't manipulate the program fast enough to sort the data.
    my confidence is shot. i second guessed almost every email i wrote for the last few days. i've been reluctant to speak up in client calls. i've made fewer calls to clients in the last few days than in the last few months.
    i'm hanging on, because i KNOW i'm good at what i do. i KNOW my manager wants me to succeed. but that nasty little voice in my head just. won't. stop. 
    i need something to help raise that confidence. just one small thing to go right. a customer to say "good job." a colleague to say something.
    i needed to get this out. i'll be working on this over the next few weeks. so, if you got this far, thanks for reading.
     
     
  4. mollyhousemouse

    2022 is here

    By mollyhousemouse,


    member
    i'm not into resolutions but i'll put this here
     
    NOTE TO SELF IN 2022
    i must be consistent in
    the things i do for my
    spiritual, mental,
    emotional and physical
    well-being. i can’t
    expect to get where i
    want to be by doing
    things only occasionally
    or just when i feel like
    doing them.
     
    i'm looking forward to seeing what lies ahead this year.
  5. mollyhousemouse

    Saturday Randomness

    By mollyhousemouse,


    member
    when you just sit and watch...
    waiting for Phil at the cafe in the grocery store while he sees the diabetic educator...
    why are babies so cute? especially when they are using those cute pacifiers with stuffed animals attached?
    i don't understand. why do you look at all the muffins? the boxes are all the same.
    why do you pick the pack of muffins from the one spot you can't reach? you knocked all the other boxes askew.
    you have one box of pastries, why did you need the shopping cart?
    the mask goes over the nose not under it.. sheesh
    why are you in heels so high you can't take normal steps? and for grocery shopping of all things.
    oh lordt ... put some damn clothes on. no one wants to see your butt cheeks hanging out of your short shorts (even if you are very pretty and well built)
    and your "friend" 😳 no one wants/needs to see half his ass & his boxers. pull the pants up
    oh and speaking of wearing clothes. pajama bottoms & fluffy slippers are not clothes. they are lounge wear, and not suitable for going out.
    at the Farmer’s Market...
    i love that your pup is well behaved enough to bring to the farmers market. my Husband enjoys all the doggie kisses. however, it's in the upper 90's and the pavement is hot. please remember that if it's too hot for you to go barefoot, it's too hot for Bowser 
    it’s great that the Farmer’s Market has some artisans showing up to sell their wares. after you fondle the earrings and necklaces, at least say thank you to them, don’t just walk away. they've not only put their hard work into making these things, they've paid a fee to be here.
    at the taco joint for lunch...
    it's a taco joint with a walk up counter. there is a menu on the wall to your right, and one above the window. why are you just now thinking about your order? 
    when the young person taking your order tells you it's going to be about 10 minutes for your order, don't pitch a fit. this ain't Taco Bell. it's a small, 6 table, family run business. your lunch will be made hot & fresh. find a spot to wait, do some people watching, put down your phone have a conversation with whoever you're with. 
    i love children as much as the next mom, but please, letting your 6 year old play with the soda dispenser is gross.
    now, with full bellies, a few vegetables and some good bread it's time to head home.
    i hope you and yours had a great weekend.
     
  6. mollyhousemouse

    34 years ago

    By mollyhousemouse,


    member
    August 29, 1987
    Los Lobos were on top of the US charts with “La Bamba.” In the UK it was Rick Astley’s “Never Gonna Give You Up.” Nolan Ryan passed the 200-strikeout barrier for a record 11th time. Ronald Reagan was President, Margaret Thatcher was the British PM, Brian Mulroney was the PM in Canada. Actor Lee Marvin died that day as well.
    It was a really warm Saturday afternoon in Denver, Colorado. The church was pretty full. The bride was crying happy tears. The preacher got angry when someone stood up to take a picture of the bride and groom. They were certainly very young, she was 23, He was 22.
    When they left the church, there was about 2 pounds of birdseed tossed in the air. Some of it got stuck in the bride's corset.
    The bride and Groom made their way to the reception venue slowly. The Groom’s aunties were providing the food, it was good and it was plentiful. There was no dancing as the Groom doesn’t dance.  There was a string quartet playing quietly.  There was, however, lots of hugging, and more tears.
    After the food was gone and people had eaten some cake the bride and Groom made their way to a nice hotel for the night. They decided to order a pizza and have a shower. He helped her out of the dress and corset, wiped the birdseed off and told her He loved her. After they showered, they called for pizza, turned on the Denver Broncos preseason game (Denver 24 - LA Rams 20) and promptly fell asleep. The pizza delivery guy woke them about 30 minutes later. 
    That was 34 years ago. A lot has happened in those years. 2 cats, 5 dogs, 9 cars, 3 kids. 10 different addresses. 2 different states. It wasn’t all pretty, there were some really dark times. Even looking back, it’s sometimes hard to believe that they made it through. The one constant has been their love for each other. And the laughter.
    She told Him today, she’d do it all over again.
  7. mollyhousemouse

    i'm proud of him

    By mollyhousemouse,


    member
    Today, my younger brother is the bravest person i know.
    2 years ago, my nephew was killed on his first day of university.
    Today, he and my sister-in-law, took my niece to school to begin her freshman year.
    What makes this so much more than just hard, is that not only is this a reminder of that day in 2019, but my niece is out of state. 848.2 miles; 1365.0456 km; 12 hours; 29 minutes; two days by car; away from anyone who knows her.
    my Husband and i talked about this on Wednesday when they began their trip. We can’t begin to imagine the painful memories this drags up. How hard it is to leave your only child that far away.
    i can’t stop thinking about it. Heck i had a hard time when Daughter went to the coast with her high school culinary team. Number One Son is in Denver this weekend, and i’ve already tracked his flight to make sure he landed safely.
    i’ve reached out to him, offered him virtual hugs, let him know how proud i am of him and his wife. And how proud i am of their daughter, for following her dream and working through this grief. i imagine it's pretty damn scary for her too.
    It’s important, i think, to tell people things like this.
    If you’ve done something hard, whether other people see it as hard or not, be proud of yourself.
    i’m proud of you too.
     
     
  8. mollyhousemouse
    They're good kids, young adults, young men, mostly housebroken. They really are. But today i'd sell them to the gypsies.

    When we got the house put back together after the floors were installed they were told that at least twice a week the floors needed to be dry mopped, swept, and at least every weekend a good wipe down. Not even a full mopping, just use the Swiffer wet. We’ll  drag out the mop and bucket every other weekend. As long as it’s kept clean, and spills or whatever are wiped up right away, that should be enough.
    Well, i swept on Wednesday after work, before my class. So why is it that today there was push back like they were toddlers being denied yet another cookie? 
    How is it that they can remember song lyrics, movie lines & obscure facts about video games Pokémon & Yu-Go-Oh but can’t remember that this needs to happen? And, in fact, happened last week?
    i don't want to do it. There are 100 other things i’d rather do.  Phil would rather do other things too. But these chores need to be done to keep the house clean. And we all live here.
    i swear they were taught to listen.  It's stuff like this that just makes me want to scream. 
    Wonder what's going to happen next weekend?
     
     
    as always, thanks for reading
  9. mollyhousemouse

    It's been a weird week

    By mollyhousemouse,


    member
    This has been a long, weird week. Am i glad it's over? Well that's a loaded question.
    Last Monday the process of getting new flooring started. See, the landlady is having tile floors installed. Phil & the boys were shifting furniture around the house each day. It's an enormous mess & stressful for me to be in such a chaotic environment. i have an online class i'm taking & with the mess at home i've had to find other places to do that. Luckily, we have a great coffee shop in town that has fast WiFi.
    At work, there is more change. Two of my favorite co-workers are leaving. One is retiring. i am so happy for him, but dread losing him as a teammate. The other one was poached by one of my best clients. He's been with us since he graduated from University. He was a manager and we have no one internally who can take on that role. We'll manage of course, but he was a big part of our recent successes. So, Friday was emotional to say the least.
    The tiling crew, two guys, finished late Saturday afternoon. We worked until 8 or 9 putting things away. For the first time since Monday night, everyone was in their own beds.
    Today, i went thru a box of Swiffer dusters cleaning. There is dust everywhere! i have swept the floors and lightly mopped them to get grout residue off them.
    We are grateful to have the landlady we do, & the floors look nice. But it took a toll on all of us.
    Yesterday would have been my nephew's 21st birthday. i called my brother to tell him they were in my thoughts. it was a hard conversation. What do you say in those situations?
    Lastly, today is the anniversary of my mom's passing. i have missed her. much more than i thought i would. i talked to my dad & my sister today. They both sounded rough. For the first time in a long time, i wanted to be with my sister.
    So, yeah. A weird week.
    As for being glad it's over, i think i am. 
     
     
    thanks for reading
     
  10. mollyhousemouse
    When the news you get, isn’t the news you want…
    My Husband,  Phil, gets regular injections to his eyes for complications from diabetes. (DME) Yes, it's as bad as it sounds. It's been happening for over three years now.
    Two weeks ago He saw the doctor for His regular appointment. The doctor asked the staff to go ahead and scan both eyes, not just the left. It wasn’t good news. The swelling in that right eye was back. It’s been stable for two years; it’s just been the left eye being treated. He told Phil to come back in two weeks for an injection in the right eye. 
    Well, we went in today for that injection. The scan wasn’t any better today. The pressure in the eye, which had been hovering around 16-18, was at 25. Now I don’t know exactly what is being measured or what units that’s measured in, but that big of a jump isn’t positive.
    At the end of today’s appointment, the doctor asked us to come back in a month for a re-scan and to talk about a plan for going forward. He didn’t give any indication to Phil as to exactly what that means.
    These appointments have never been easy for me, i know they are hell on Phil, but they’ve gotten to be almost “old hat.” Until today. 
    He is concerned, my stomach is in knots, and the anxiety is knocking on the door, softly, but knocking. i know that we will weather whatever storm this brings. It’s just the waiting that’s hard.


     
  11. mollyhousemouse

    in the quiet

    By mollyhousemouse,

    sometimes, words come in the quiet
     
     
    in the quiet i can hear my thoughts
    i can hear the dogs breathe, my own breathing slows, becomes deeper
    the sound of the fans, the house settling
    the small, simple sounds of the clock ticking
    the squirrels running on the roof
     
    in the quiet i remember
    i remember bad decisions and good ones
    the stories from years past roll like movies through my memory
    when life was slower, less urgent
     
    in the quiet i wonder
    i wonder about her, is she really doing well or just saying what she thinks i want to hear?
    how are you? really?
    is his heartbreak going to heal?
    will we be able to retire?
     
    in the quiet i also find calm
    no one's asking for anything, needing anything
    i can just be
    process the memories, work through the doubts, recall the love
     
    in the quiet i can hear your voice, 
    your calming words
    see your face, find peace
    i can move beyond the past, put it away
    think about the future
     
    in the quiet i can start over 
    be renewed
     
     
    i know we're all busy, so thanks for taking the time to read
     
  12. mollyhousemouse
    i have a "Grateful Jar" and it's been a little lonely lately. i'm finding being grateful is a little harder these days, with so much “taken away.” 
    i thought about that tonight while i re-read some blogs, poems and stories here. Looking back at what people have written, stories about hardship, blogs about overcoming obstacles. i heard the kids hanging out together while Phil and i were on the couch. It was a combination that had me thinking about what i have, what makes me happy.
    i am grateful for my Husband
    He has been calm and steady through this whole “thing.” He’s had His own issues to be sure. He wasn’t able to bring His large monitors home. Not that we have room for them, but having to figure out how He’s going to do His job when He can’t see everything on a small laptop screen was just the first obstacle. He is always there with an encouraging word, or glance. He’s running all those errands to the store when we can’t get a timely pickup, to the pharmacy so i don’t have to. 
    i am grateful for my family
    Though our house is small, and noisy, there is a genuine feeling here that we all like each other. Several times recently i’ve almost been in tears hearing the laughter, whispered conversations, and the not so whispered conversations, between the kids. We’ve been making it a point to eat together as much as possible. With work schedules being what they are, that’s usually just lunch. But when we’re all home for dinner, we eat together. It brings me great joy to fix meals that everyone loves so much, there are no leftovers.
    i am grateful for my job
    My 5 year anniversary is Tuesday, and the people i work with, and for, are pretty great. Our CEO has been holding regular “all hands” meetings to keep us in the loop as to what’s going on with our parent company in Brussels. We found out this past week that the entire upper management level has taken pay cuts so that those of us below won’t need to make bigger sacrifices than we already have. i know that i am lucky, many people have lost jobs, or have taken significant cuts to their income. My team, 14 when we’re all in the office, is having weekly virtual happy hours. The “Fun and Games Committee” has planned a rotating get together next week to say farewell to one of our guys who is being deployed to North Africa. There’s been a great pulling together to cover tasks that are “usually” done by others.
    i am grateful for technology
    This thing called the internet has it’s problems. Cyberstalking, the ability to hide behind the keyboard and be snarky, and mean. But, it has allowed us all to connect in so many different ways. We can send pictures almost instantaneously, no need to wait for a week, or even one hour for photos to be developed. Then you’d have to mail them to someone to share. i can hear my sister say she’s fine, but through video chat i can see dark circles under her eyes.  We can work from the safety (and comfort) of our homes. No need to wait for a bus, or fight through rush hour traffic. Also, working in yoga pants is pretty great!
    i am grateful for my friends, local and online
    Throughout this whole time, there’s been a lot of contact. Instant messaging, texting, emails, phone calls. One night, there was even a driveway/tailgate happy hour. Messages of support, offers to run errands. Quick text messages, “I got a pick up time at the grocery store for tomorrow. Need anything right away?” One friend is a retired nurse, she made everyone masks.
    It helps, you know, to know that other people are having the same problems with isolation. It’s good to know that you aren’t the only human feeling this way. My online friends have shared news, interesting, fascinating articles with hints on handling the emotional aspect of isolation. They’ve been here to listen to rants, and raves. We’ve shared recipes, physical and mental health issues.
    i am grateful for online shopping
    i had been doing the weekly groceries online for some time before “all this” and it was very convenient. It became a little less so with everyone else using the system, pickup times went a week out, some of our favorite items were now “out of stock” or “limited to XX number per order. (We can only get five fresh meat items with any order still). That’s eased a little now. For example, i placed the grocery order Saturday, before 10:00 AM and the earliest pick up was 5:30 PM Sunday. There are still limits, and there is a chance that what i've ordered i won't get. But i don't have to go into the store, packed in with everyone else.
    i am grateful for my dogs
    Now that they’ve calmed down with everyone hanging out at home all the time, they’ve been great. Our Border Collie, Bella, stays by me most of the day, she sleeps under the table while i’m working. Rubin, the lab mix, well he’s busted into a couple of Phil’s team meetings. Jumping up on the couch for a cuddle while the meeting’s going on. It’s so funny to hear everyone going on about the dog, and the meeting being derailed. They’re always there for a cuddle, or a laugh.
    i am grateful for comfy sheets
    Sleeping has not been as easy as it once was. i’m thinking it’s the increased stress.  But we’ve been keeping the comfy flannel sheets on the bed. i make the bed up every morning because i like the way it feels sliding into a crisply made up bed. Also, because of this.  There are mornings when those comfy sheets try to coerce me into staying in bed a little longer.
    i am grateful for long drives in the country
    What a boredom buster those have been! Just to get out from within these four walls. No destination, just a direction! Sunshine, fresh air, music and talk. Nothing big or heavy, just … talk. There are still an abundance of wildflowers on the roadsides. There are sheep, goats, cows, and their babies. Occasionally we’ve seen small herds of deer back in the trees. The hawks and buzzards are soaring in the sky. We’ve driven through small towns with restaurants we might want to come back to, when we’re able.
    i guess finding things to be grateful for just took a little thought. And now, if y’all will excuse me, i think i’ll go drop these things into my Grateful Jar.
  13. mollyhousemouse

    WORDS

    By mollyhousemouse,

    Words are amazing aren't they?
    Are we even aware of how much they can affect other people?
    The casual use of a nickname.
    A  kind “Hello” when you’re having a bad day.
    A softly muttered “Bite me,” when someone crosses you, or you cross someone else!  
    Words we use to make light of a situation; or that attempt to pretty something up, make a concept or idea less gritty, better for polite company.
     
    Yes, words are powerful.  Think of a parent with a child.  A sharply spoken “STOP” can avert danger, cause the child to not touch that hot stove, or dash into the street. “I love you,” can be the sweetest thing you ever heard!  “I don’t want to see you anymore,” can be the harshest; or could cause a sense of relief to wash over you.
     
    If someone tells you that something was difficult the words that you choose to bring comfort, or support, may sound like you are dismissing their pain or the effort that it took to get thru or past this thing.  It can have the effect of invalidating that person’s experience.
     
    Think about that nickname for the guy you work with, for that friend of yours, whether you’ve known them for 8 years, 8 months, or 8 weeks.
    What does it mean to them?  That you have christened them with your own appellation, something that only you call them, be it just between the two of you, or out where the world can hear.  Or maybe a nickname that confers some kind of acceptance into a group. Maybe you have taken it upon yourself to shorten their name, Richard to Rich, or Dick, Jonathan to Jon, Victoria to Vicky.
     
    Does that person even like that you have done this? Does he or she grudgingly accept that you have done this, would they rather you didn’t? Was it the name that an old nemesis used as a form of torture or derision?  Does this nickname bring this person joy?  Does it makes him or her feel special? Make them a little giddy that you did this for them?
     
    Words can be truthful or they can be lies. They can help you make wants and needs understood, they can be used to baffle or enlighten.  Think about the proverbial used car salesman, that fast talking shyster, trying to make that old clunker sound like a classic driven by a sweet little old lady to the market, the church, and home. A legal eagle’s contract written with lots of loopholes, the language archaic and full of jargon.  Or those little quotes from someone you admire. A former president, or first lady. A spiritual leader you admire perhaps. A book or an essay that explains that thing you've always wondered about. They can tell you why the caged bird sings, or take you far away chasing a mysterious white whale.  They can transport you to fantastical mythical places, or the corner store.
     
    I believe that words are one of the most powerful tools in all of humanity. Just look at what they do.  They can bring comfort, joy, peace. Or they can wound, deeply, fatally even. Bring about war and division, foster hate and distrust.
    Because of the inherent power of words, we need to be mindful of them.  Words are forever. Yes, even those spoken, not written, as they will be passed down by word of mouth to become tomorrow’s folk tales, and legends.  So before you call that new guy in the office Jon ask, before you call the short cashier at the market “The Garden Gnome,” stop and think about the power behind what is about to come out of your mouth.  When you finish a poem, chapter, or story, reflect on the power in what you just read.
     
    MacGreg Sir wrote about just that in His poem “Taste Your Words Before You Spit Them Out”
     
    What is the point of communicating with someone
    If your intentions are meant to maim?
    Taste your words before you spit them out.
    Consider the impact of their flavor
    As they roll across your tongue.
    For once expelled, they cannot be retracted.
     
    Consider this:
    Will what you are about to say produce acidity?
    Or lay a foundation for common ground?

     
    So consider the power of words, your words.




     
    With many thanks to @MacGreg Sir for allowing me to use part of His poem. Please look here for the complete poem, and here for more.
    And as always to tim @Mikiesboy for his never-ending love and support. 
  14. mollyhousemouse
    In this really weird situation we find ourselves in, have you been working from home? i've been doing it now for about a week and a half and i've made a few discoveries. 
    Routine is important. i get up, shower, do the eye drops, brush and fix my hair. Take off the pajamas and put on clothes. No, not necessarily full business dress, but clothes. I’ve been wearing my yoga pants and a t-shirt. i’m not just talking about the morning routine. i’m trying to get to bed around the same time every night. i take all my meds and supplements the same way.  Now, there is one thing i am changing. i’m not getting up at stupid early thirty in the morning. Not having to take Phil to His carpool means He sleeps until 6 AM. And i’m staying in bed until after 7. It’s borderline decadent!
    Part of my routine is eating. i've always been one of those who have to remember to eat. Breakfast hasn’t been hard, but stopping for lunch, that was hard to remember. Phil is home working too. His day is much more regimented than mine and He eats at 11:15. Going forward i’ll be eating at the same time.
    The other thing that i’ve tried to keep up on is walking. During the work day, you’ll frequently see people walking around the building, or taking laps inside. We all try to “get our steps in” and most of us wear those fit tracker things. You regularly hear people say "I'm taking a walk."  At home, i’m remembering it’s still important to do this. So i’ll grab my shoes, and go for a brisk walk around the block. i may start leashing up one of the dogs and taking them with me.
    i have to check the calendar every morning. There were a couple of days this past week that i honestly didn’t know what day it was. Meetings snuck up on me as did report deadlines.
    Our kitchen chairs are damned uncomfortable! My butt and my back haven’t hurt this bad since i was heavily pregnant with the twins! There is a definite lack of work style seating here. Because of His vision issues, Phil has His computer linked to the TV via HDMI cable. So He sits on the sofa, best seat in the house i think! i’m going to run to the office this weekend and snag my desk chair. It’s been cleared with my manager, and i’m looking forward to more comfortable seating.
    The lack of contact with other humans has been, well, hard. During work hours, my manager and the rest of our team is keeping in touch via instant message and phone calls. There’s talk of a virtual all hands meeting via Microsoft Teams. We're a small office, because of that it's all very collaborative. Being apart it seems more difficult to ask for help. Where before, i could just look over at our admin and ask her to take care of something, now i have send a message or an email. It's a small thing, but it's been another change.
    It's not all been bad. There have been more than a few bright spots.
    i've discovered that windows and doors are wonderful!  i’ve got a great little setup at my office desk, but there are no windows in the back where we are. At home, i’m looking out into the backyard. The grass is green, the trees are sprouting leaves, the birds are singing and the squirrels are running around. If i open the back door, i can hear and feel the breeze. This is such an improvement!
    i can play my music without having to use my earbuds! i like my earbuds, but they start to bug me after a couple of hours. And working at home means i can connect to my great little bluetooth speaker. Add in a family that likes to sing along and you have the ingredients for a house party! We may not all be able to carry a tune, but we sing with enthusiasm, lol!
    i’m not sure if it’s the atmosphere here, or what, but the coffee tastes better at home. Now you should know, the coffee at my office is really good. We have 3 different coffees to chose from, real half and half, and we don’t have to pay for it. But for some reason, the coffee i’ve had sitting at my kitchen table desk just tastes better.
    My kids, our kids, have been so great! They're all at home too. And they’ve been so, flexible with these changes. i made the comment that the clutter in the living room needed to be dealt with as it was starting to feel very closed in. Well they all just jumped right in and started cleaning and decluttering. Number One Son took over, told us to go run some errands and by the time we’d get back he’d have it handled. So we took a drive, came back to a clean house!
    It’s been an adjustment for sure, but nothing we can’t handle. 
     
     
     
  15. mollyhousemouse
    my mind went wandering today...
    Having a tall son means that the windows of your SUV get cleaned well while he pumps gas
    Having mostly grown kids means you can say "This house needs cleaned up" & no one asks "What do you want us to do?" Daughter started assigning jobs & they got busy (ok there was some sighing & eye rolling).
    Having mostly grown kids who can think for themselves (mostly, lol!) means they know to take the big trash can to the curb when you say "i need someone to come take the trash out."
    Having mostly grown kids means that the laundry gets done without intense supervision
    Having mostly grown kids who all have jobs means that when you leave something they needed off the grocery list, they say “That’s ok Ma. I’ll order it from Amazon.”
    Having mostly grown kids means you can share questionable online jokes and memes
    Having mostly grown kids who all have jobs means they’ll spring for lunch when you’re out running errands.
    Having mostly grown kids means hugs and cuddles are fewer and farther between.  but when they come, they’re a little bit sweeter.
    Having mostly grown kids means they need less and less from me.
    Having mostly grown kids means that soon they’ll all be gone from home.
    Having mostly grown kids means that my job description is changing, and i don't know how i feel about that.

     
     
  16. mollyhousemouse
    2019, was really not a good year. There was a lot of pain, some backsliding. i’m not sure that the joys balanced it out. Will going over what happened help it make sense? Probably not. So instead of looking back, i thought i’d look forward.
    2020, a new decade.  Well, unless you’re my co-worker who insists that the new decade won’t start until Jan 2021, but i digress. While i’m not one to make “New Year’s Resolutions,” i’ve gotten a head start at a better year.
    Phil and i are making more of an effort to have real date nights. Time when we can concentrate on just us. It’s been nice going to dinner and talking about things other than kids, and what needs to be taken care of at home. 
    i’ve started taking a supplement again, in order to get better sleep. Life is hard sometimes. It can be harder if you aren't sleeping well.
    i’ve renewed my commitment to having breakfast every morning, and eating a real lunch. It makes a difference in my productivity and mood when i'm not hungry.  The hardest part of this, is that when i wasn't eating well, i started snacking again. Now i find that i'm craving the sugar again.
    i was given one of those smart watches that can track your movement during the day. It’s been set for moving 55 minutes every day. There’s a feature that reminds me to get up from my desk and move. What makes this one particularly easy is that most everyone in my office gets up to walk several times each day.
    i’m learning to leave work, at work. To not go over my to do list once i leave the office, and worry about what i wasn't able to take care of.  Coupled with this is trying to remember that it's important to take a day off now and then. A real day off, not just a day to run errands, and attending to other "adulting" tasks.
    i’ve done a lot of work on forgiveness that will continue in the new year. Though i’ll never be able to forget the hurts, i’ve started calling my parents a couple of times a week.
    i am making an effort to keep the lines of communication open with my siblings. The events of last fall drove home the fact that life can, and does, change in an instant.. We feel that it’s also important since our parents haven’t been forthcoming with me regarding their health.
    i realize that there are going to be things that happen that i will have no control over; but these things, these things i can control.
    i hope that 2020 is good for you and yours, that you achieve your goals and never stop reaching for your dreams.
     Happy New Year
     
     

     

     
  17. mollyhousemouse
    i’m angry and hurt, and need to get this off my chest.
    People will tell you that death is a part of life, it’s all part of the circle of life. 
    Well, they’re full of crap.
    Death is death. And it sucks. Doesn’t matter who it is, if you lose someone you love, it sucks.
    Like Great Aunt Betty, the one who would sneak you that candy you loved at the family reunion—it’s a loss and it hurts.
    A nephew with leukemia—hurts like a punch to the gut. A nephew was hit by a car, while he was in the crosswalk? Almost unbearable pain.
    Very recently, a few people i know here lost family members. It was hard for them. They were both sudden. Not that having advanced warning for an impending death, makes it any easier. i mean, we all know those stories; Uncle Frank diagnosed with whatever, so everyone starts “preparing” that he’ll pass soon.  Nope, doesn’t help to have that time to what, wrap your mind around it? No, don’t think so. Loss is hard, nothing really makes it easier.
    i have had two losses in as many weeks. My family is shattered. My brother and sister both have lost sons. One niece has lost her big brother, another niece and nephew have lost a cousin and a brother.
    my own youngest son will have to attend his third memorial for a peer. A peer, someone his own age, not for an elderly relative, but a person in their prime.
    Of my sister’s step son, someone  said, “He’s in a better place.” Hell, he was in a pretty good place! Good job, a beautiful wife, and the most adorable 3-year-old son.
    They said similar things about my brother’s son.  He died in an accident on his very first day at university.
    His. Very. First. Day. 
    He was 19. He was in a very good place already.
    i’m angry, hurt, all of those things. Grief is very different for everyone, and that’s ok.
    Right now, i’m stuck in anger and hurt.
    i need to work past this, a little anyway, since i’m going to have to be the big sister, the oldest child, next week and do all the social niceties.
    Go hug someone and let them know you love them.
     
     
    thanks  @Mikiesboy you are the best 
  18. mollyhousemouse

    self care

    By mollyhousemouse,

    So, i’m following up on what i posted last week, about me not feeling quite ME.
    Phil and i talked a lot last week, and to be honest, i teared up more than once. We talked about how i can’t be who i am, do what i do, if i’m not at my best.  And i haven’t been at my best.
    To be at your best, you need to take care of yourself. When you’re on a plane and they give the safety briefing, they say to put the oxygen mask on before you help you someone who may have trouble doing it, children or whoever.  It’s because YOU need to be able to function to help THEM.
    Being a partner, parent, Dom or sub, it’s all the same.  i’ve heard it said that “You can’t pour from an empty cup” and it's true. 
    So i’m working at “self care.” It’s a phrase that’s tossed around frequently, and sounds kind of self serving. Phil asked me to look it up, what is “self care.”  Here is what i found:
    Self-care is any activity that we do deliberately in order to take care of our mental, emotional, and physical health. Although it's a simple concept in theory, it's something we very often overlook. Good self-care is key to improved mood and reduced anxiety.
    What Self-Care Is — and What It Isn't - Psych Central
    https://psychcentral.com/blog/what-self-care-is-and-what-it-isnt-2/
    Frankly, i have been very bad at doing this; i am bad at doing this. Oh sure, we go every week to the farmers market, and we hit up the Saturday markets that show up. We do these things together. But, as He pointed out, i haven’t done much, just for me lately. He says He shares some fault in this. He’s been needing me a little more lately with His vision issues, i have to do all the driving dusk to dawn now, as well as help Him read some things. But, i’m also guilty of not asking for time. There have been several invites from my friends that i have just said “No, I can’t go this time.” He was not at all pleased to find out about that! (Facebook ratted me out!)
    i’ve been told that this behavior needs to stop. At the very least, i need let Him know that i’ve been asked to do something, to go over for game night, or out for dinner. 
    i went out Saturday night with a group of girlfriends, just dinner, nothing fancy, and had a great time, once i relaxed, lol! And Sunday, i felt much better for it. He was right. Of course.
    He’s going to help me get back to myself, because that’s what He does.  He cares for me. 
    So, i’ve been told that i need to start finding time to take care of me. At this point, i’m not sure what that looks like. 
    How do you self-care?  What are the things you do for you to take care of yourself? i’m open for suggestions, and i thank you for being part of the conversation.

     
    i edited this myself, any errors are mine
  19. mollyhousemouse
    For several days now, i’ve been “off.”
    Off my game; off my healthy eating; my mood is off; my enjoyment of my job is off.  i’m just OFF.  Frankly, i don’t like feeling like this.  Even my relationships are off. i had to excuse myself from the living room last night when the kids’ joking around and the dogs barking made me feel like i was about to explode.  i cried a little when i told a friend that i loved him.
    i know that this happens; we’re all human and life ebbs and flows. i also know that it won’t last forever, but that doesn’t make it suck any less.
    i also realized that i dislike the phrase “Well, just get back on that horse.” But sometimes it feels like i’m trying to climb on a wild mustang. i know that if i can just take a deep breath and start again, that i’ll find a way out sooner or later. 
    The sky isn’t as blue, the grass isn’t as green. Life is waiting, and i’m just sitting on a bench somewhere watching it.  Today, i'll get through it, just like always. Maybe tomorrow i’ll be closer to ME again…
     
     
    there was no editing on this, all errors are mine
  20. mollyhousemouse
    There are about a million ways to say those three words “I Love You.”
     
                                            Have you eaten?
                                            Sleep well.
                                            Drive safely.
                                            Grab a coat.
     
    These are some of the ways it’s said in my house.  There are others, not as obvious, but we all know them when we hear them.  
    And it’s not just that way with lovers and spouses, we do it with friends and family too.
     
                                            How are you? Really?
                                            Let me know when you get home.
                                            Let me buy you lunch.
                                            Because you’re family
                                            i’m glad you are in my village.
                                            i’m sorry.
     
    It’s been rocky for my family the last 3 weeks.  i’ve heard, or said, everything i just listed.
    i can’t begin to tell you how important it is to say those things. They are life changing, life affirming phrases.  They can restore faith, hope, and bolster love.
     
    i know that there are other ways to show love.  We see those around us too. A simple hug, fixing a favorite meal, offering a ride to where you need to be, talking with someone in a PM, or by email. i’ve been on the receiving end of many of those during this rough patch as well.  The simple act of reaching out was a show of caring, and it mattered.
     
    How do you show love; how do you say “I love you” without saying it?  No matter how you do it, don’t forget to show and tell people you love them.  
     
     
     
     
     
    no one read or edited this, any mistakes are mine
    many thanks to @MacGreg Sir, @MichaelS36 Sir, and @Mikiesboy for everything
  21. mollyhousemouse

    Thankful

    By mollyhousemouse,

    It’s Thanksgiving here in the US.  A day when many people see family they rarely get to, (or have to) spend time with.  A day that seems devoted to overeating, over drinking, and over-indulgences of other kinds rather than being thankful.  It’s a day when we see pictures like Rockwell’s Thanksgiving classic “Freedom From Want” or the dinner scene from Charlie Brown’s thanksgiving and we feel all nostalgic.  Those of us, who grew up here, recall the stories of the Pilgrim’s and their celebration of a successful harvest. There is much more involved in this, of course there is.  Isn’t there always? One of my favorite people here at GA, AC Benus, recently re-posted a great blog he wrote about this holiday. (https://gayauthors.org/blogs/entry/14069-the-first-thanksgiving-and-the-second-and-the-third…-with-a-recipe/
     
    But, i digress.  My little family, just the 5 of us, will celebrate quietly as we always do.  Growing up, it was required that we kids be dressed up, and on our best behavior because 'what would everyone think' if we didn't.  This was how all holidays with my family of origin were.  It was stifling. That tradition carried over to when we were grown with children of our own.  When we broke away, it was decided that holidays would be quiet, relaxed, no pressure, family days.  Yes, i make a turkey, rolls, gravy, but not in any great amounts. We vote on it each year, “What do we want to do this year?”  We’ll probably all be in sweats, track pants, and slippers. There will be laughter, dogs barking, and siblings teasing each other almost to tears.  There will be parades, football, maybe a movie, and naps.
     
     
    And there will be a moment, after i have all the food on the table (which is something that brings me great joy) where we will stand and look at each other and we will say, from the heart, things that we are grateful for.  For many years, this has brought me to tears. It touches me deeply to hear the kids saying
    meaningful things about their lives and about each other.
     
    This year, i’m thankful for my Husband, and that He cares for me as He does. i’m grateful that my health has improved. i’m so very thankful for all of you i know well. I’m thankful for those of you i call family, and for those of you i’ve just met.  As well, i’m very grateful for the acceptance that i have found, and that others have found here.
     
    And so, I’m going to ask, what are you thankful for?  
     
     
     
  22. mollyhousemouse
    You all know that tim is a dear, dear friend.  And you may have gathered that was me he was talking about in the blog.
     
    Well, i wanted to update you on some things.
     
    First off, about 3 weeks ago, i was told that i had to limit my coffee to just 2 cups (ok they are 20 ounce cups) and that i wasn’t to have a can of soda with lunch anymore.  i am to drink at least one 32 ounce bottle of water a day, and look to increasing that. i have noticed some changes from just this little change. i’m not snacking in the afternoon, and not falling asleep on the couch as soon as my butt hits it.  i may have noticed a difference in my skin, but too soon to tell on that. At this point i'm at about 1 and ½ bottles a day.
     
    What makes this so challenging for me is that i really dislike water.  It’s sometimes got a funny taste, or it’s got no taste at all so why bother?  There’s also this thing that i can’t drink cold beverages that aren’t like GLACIAL cold. As soon as the water in the bottle, cup or glass has no ice, i’m done.  What’s helped greatly, besides tim’s encouragement, is that i’m adding limes, lemons, mint, and cucumber to my water. i’ve found a water bottle that has a little basket thing in it for just this reason.  Lime and cucumber are so far the winner!
     
    So that’s one change i’ve made.
     
    After talking with tim last week, in a conversation that was the precursor to the blog post, i committed to trying “refrigerator oatmeal” every day for breakfast.  i’m not a breakfast eater, not hungry in the morning. In fact, the thought of food in the morning turns my stomach. i chose this as it would be the easiest thing for me in the morning, as mornings with 17 year olds can be rather hectic.  he and i talked about recipes, his is in the blog, and i looked up several different versions. i bought some nice plastic bowls with tight fitting lids, the old fashioned rolled oats, some good cinnamon, golden and regular raisins.
     
    i’m using ½ cup oats, and about a tablespoon of each type of raisin and a healthy sprinkle of cinnamon.  i shake it up to mix it, then cover it with milk. i’m using 2% lowfat. i’ve found that putting it together takes no time at all, and i’m doing it right after dinner, while the kitchen is being cleaned up.
     
    So, i’m on day 3 as i write this and there are a few things i’ve begun to notice. Most impressive is that i've not forgotten my breakfast at home once. After getting past the whole “But oatmeal should be hot” thing, i'm able to eat it all. i’m also ready to eat lunch at lunchtime. Previously, i wasn’t always ready to eat at noon. Surprising me the most is that yesterday and today, i was actually hungry by the time i got to work. This, y'all this, is big.
     
    Just thought i'd let you know what’s happening, and maybe show you that what tim was talking about, eating real food, doesn’t have to be a big production.
     
     
    If you missed the original blog post, you can find it HERE
    my thanks always to tim, he's always been so encouraging and is so very dear to my heart 
  23. mollyhousemouse
    Dear Alzheimer’s, 
     
    You’re just a dirty sneak thief.  You sneak in and steal from people. You don’t even have the courage to announce yourself.  Your nasty cousin, cancer, at least starts with a cough or a pain. But not you, oh no.  
     
    You waltzed in, and started taking things. Little things. Things you didn’t think would be noticed; like where the car keys had gone, or the reading glasses. “Everybody remember where we parked!” became a family joke. 
     
    You started taking bigger things.  Like conversation. Gone were the days when we talked about so many things over coffee.  Now there were questions asked, and answered, and asked again. Trains of thought, derailed before they even left the station.   
     
    But now, everyone notices.  Stolen glances behind backs, eyes rolling like teenagers at hearing the question, again. And, occasionally, “Oh wait, I asked that already, didn’t I?” "You know, I'm just not worth a damn some days." She knows now, that something is missing. But you’re sneaky, she’s not quite sure what’s going on.  
     
    And while this is cruel, what is worse is that the past is now crystal clear.  Phone calls and emails to grandchildren to apologize for things that happened 13 years ago.  Knowing for certain, with absolute clarity, what she wore to that Halloween party 40 years ago.  
     
    You’re getting bolder now.  Walking, moving, becomes difficult.  You’ve stolen our walks. When we would wander the neighborhood, the park, even the mall.  The shuffling gait leads to trips, trips to falls, falls to fear, and fear, to inaction. 
     
    We ask, “What’s next?” There’s a caregiver now.  You’ve taken her ability to feed herself, and care for herself.  She’s like a small child again needing help with daily activities like brushing her teeth, and even going to the bathroom.  Unmarked boxes, full of “incontinence supplies” start showing up with the mail. Like a small child, she lashes out in anger, and frustration.  She knows things are missing. 
     
    If that wasn’t enough, you’ve taken her spirit, the very thing that made her, who she is, or was.  She lays on the bed, not knowing anyone, or anything.  There isn’t even any fighting. We know she’s gone, only her body doesn’t realize it yet.  We mourn, but we can’t fully, as we try to care for what you’ve left behind. 
     
    You’ve taken so much.  Will you ever be satisfied? 
     
    Sincerely, 
     
    molly
     
     
    We all have fears.  When i was a teen, and into my early twenties i lived in a part of the US that has high rates for MS, Multiple Sclerosis.  It was my boogeyman. Now, three people i know, two of which i went to high school with, are battling it. It doesn’t frighten me anymore. 
     
    The area i grew up in has been labeled a “cancer cluster."  Talking with classmates from high school, we’re losing parents and each other to cancer and other chronic illnesses.  i deal with this daily, it’s no longer a fear. 
     
    But Alzheimer’s.  That’s fecking scary.  My Grandmother had it; her sister had it; my mother has it; my sister's mother in law has it.  My aunt lost her husband to it last year. We’d been saying goodbye to him for three or four years 
     
    Losing ME, that’s scary. So scary that it can make me cry.   
     
    This month in the US starts a series of "Walk to End Alzheimer's" events.  You'll see commercials for it, hear stories on the news programs, they'll say that "the first survivor of Alzheimer's is out there." If you are so inclined, get a team together, volunteer at one of the events, or find a way to sponsor someone who's walking.  For more information on the Walks check here
     
     
     
    As always, my thanks to tim, @Mikiesboy, for helping me find the courage to do this in the first place xoxo
    And tonight, to AC, @AC Benus, thank you for looking at this for me xoxo
  24. mollyhousemouse
    Back on July 16 @AC Benus posted a status update looking for volunteers to look at one of his poetry prompts.  i thought about it, and decided to try. 
    (it's here, if you're interested  https://www.gayauthors.org/profile/18130-ac-benus/?status=134349&type=status)
     
     
    i'll show you the evolution in just a sec, but first i learned a couple of things i wanted to share. 
     
    These authors who post poems here are a very talented group.   
     
    They also work very hard on these offerings.  It's not like they just spit the words out onto a page and VOILA! it's poetry.  For the ones i know best, it's a long process. It could be days, or weeks before what they've written coalesces into something other than a pile of words.  i've likened it to a painter, who blends the primary colors into just the PERFECT shade to convey the feeling.  Our poets do that with words. Finding just the RIGHT word so their thoughts and feelings come though the page for the reader. 
    The poets here at GA are also brave.  They've put their hearts onto the page, bared their souls for all to see.  That, my friends, is bravery. 
     
    So, to AC's Poetry Prompt. 
    i really wanted to do it, so i PMd him and said i'd volunteer.  He sent the link and i downloaded it, and read it.  Not just once, but many times. 
    i started writing, and my first attempt was darn close to the syllable count (57577 is what a Tanka should be): 
     
    the lights on the tree 
    sparkle and dance bring 
    butterflies to my stomach 
    waiting for the morning 
    was never my strength 
     
    But there wasn't anything that tied together why waiting until morning is hard, and there was a hard stop after the third line, so back to the drawing board.  The next attempt is a bit better but the syllable count is still off and there's still that pesky hard stop: 
      
    the lights on the tree 
    sparkle and dance on 
    on the packages below, 
    i'm giddy inside 
    to see what's in them 
     
    Whenever i had some quiet, or some downtime, i'd open the document and start to noodle around with it.  i kept in touch with AC and shared some of my work. 
    He was, as he always is, gentle and supportive in his critiques and his guidance. 
    i thought a lot about his last email to me where he talked about how a person can say the same thing in many different ways, that blending of just the right words i talked about earlier.  He said that putting the words in one order sounds like "everyday speech" but moving the exact same words around can make it musical.  He went on to say that it takes practice, and that anyone writing poetry has to just write a lot to get a feel for it. 
     
    Here's the final evolution: 
     
    from across the room 
    the brightly wrapped packages 
    reflect the lights from 
    the tree above and i can't 
    wait to see what hides inside 
     
     
    i used the "self-check" tool that was in the prompt, and it seemed to check out.  AC  agreed.  He also reminded me not to be too hard on myself as writing poetry takes work, and practice.  Then, as is his style, he invited me to revisit this when the new prompts come out.
     
    Am i glad i did the prompt challenge? Yes, i am.  There were several times when i just wanted to stop, to give up.  i was getting frustrated that i couldn't get it. But it's not in me to do that, so i did the best i could.  Could i keep working at it?  Sure, but i think i have learned what i needed to. And  i gained some insight into the process, and  perhaps a better appreciation for the poets among us. 
     
    Will you be looking at the new prompts?
     
     
     
     
     
  25. mollyhousemouse
    After a few rocky weeks, our lives are returning to normal.  Well, normal for us. Two working adults, with one car, mornings starting at 4:45 AM.  Two kids in high school, one with a job, the other with after school commitments until 9 PM. Weekends are full of their events, family time, household chores and on and on ad nauseum.
     
    People are often shocked at that. Well, yes, it seems a lot.  But it’s normal for us.
     
    Normal, now there’s a word I’m not to sure about.  What is “NORMAL?”
     
    We hear about “the new normal.” Kindergarten kids have lock down and active shooter drills.  
    “Oh, well, that’s the new normal.”   
     
    More and more people are utilizing food banks, and low income housing. 
    “That’s the new normal in this economy.”
     
    But, they aren’t normal.  They’re outside the norm, aren’t they?  So, is normal a fluid concept? What was normal to our great grandparents during the Great Depression wasn’t normal to our parents in the 1960’s.  And it sure as hell heck isn’t normal to this mom in the 21st century!
    And, the definition of normal is boring, and I mean like BOOORING!!  Merriam-Webster says:
     
    conforming to a type, standard, or regular pattern
    according with, constituting, or not deviating from a norm, rule, or principle
     
    But who wants to conform to a norm, or a type?  Why? Who wants this? Aren’t we all individuals?  Why do I have to conform to some outdated definition of a word that changes its meaning.  Okay, okay, I know there are societal norms that we all need to follow, you know, like wearing pants when you go out in public, and not talking with food in your mouth.
     
    But really? Who wants to be normal?  I live near Austin. Their motto is “Keep Austin Weird.” There’s a statue going up of a homeless man known as Leslie, who roller skated all over town in a bikini, and ran for mayor 3 times.(He actually came in second once! https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Leslie_Cochran) I raised my kids constantly telling them that normal is overrated.  And who wants lock down drills and not being able to buy your own home “normal?”
     
    Normal sounds like an insult, “Why can’t you like chocolate like a normal person?” “Why don’t you wear a dress like a normal girl?” “Normal boys don’t take dance class.”
     
    Normal sounds so blah. Normal sounds like average, like beige, the four door sedans of the automotive world.  I don’t want to be average, or blend in.
     
    Now, I can understand the concept of NORMAL, as it relates to me and my family. But it’s really an illusion, isn’t it?  Because MY normal isn’t YOUR normal and it’s not HIS normal. So why should this word be applied willy nilly to all things?
     
    Is there anything that is really NORMAL anymore? Was anything ever NORMAL?  And is that good, or not?
     
    I’d love to hear your thoughts!
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