MrM

Yeah, I’m coming up to this in my own end of the story with Brandon. I really want to write and get all of the foreplay done so I can get to the juicy stuff, but I have to follow along with the story…no cheating!

I couldn’t put it better than Comsie just did. He’s absolutely right on each point. If you can, you need to answer those questions as rationally and objectively as possible. That’s a tall order, I know, but you owe it to yourself to do this. You also have to be willing to let him go if that’s what needs to happen. Holding on to something that is either gone or never existed in the first place will simply hurt you more in the end. Also, don’t let this discourage you from pursuing a relationship with someone else. Comsie’s right. There’s someone out there wanting what you want too. Never give up hope. Living without hope is the worst pain of all. Trust me on this.

Somehow, I think Dad helped set this up so HE will probably get clean-up duty…

Music Soundtrack Track List Invisible - Duran Duran (Colin’s Theme) Stranger - Miami Horror (‘Who is this guy . . . How could he understand?‘) Whataya Want from Me? - Adam Lambert (‘Well?’) Temptation - NewOrder (Colin Is Tempted) Touched by the Hand of God - NewOrder (‘What would a living God want with me?’) Lost Cause - Beck (Discouraged and Discouraging) Save Your Tears - The Weeknd (‘Please, please, don’t cry over me, Russ!’) (On My) Mind - Dear Boy (Russ, The Unforgettable) Powerless - Second Complex, Color Theory (Colin Powerless Against This Temptation) Emeralds Shatter - Louise Burns (Crying In The Mirror) Sweet Fascination - Ladyhawke (A Mutual Delicate Dance of Attractors) Strangelove Addiction - Supreme Beings Of Leisure (Dazed, Confused, and Falling Fast) This Strange Effect - Hooverphonic (Colin Falls Further) Running Scared - Work Drugs (‘What the hell am I doing?’) Shy Away - Twenty-One Pilots (Colin In A Tugawar Between His Fears and His Desires) Pretty Blonde Boy - Joseph of Mercury (It’s not right to cause someone so beautiful such pain . . .) Getting Away With It - Electronic (‘Would it work or wouldn’t it? What to do?’) Worlds Apart - Killstarr (‘But Russ is so-o different from dumb old me . . .’) Cool Kids - Echosmith (‘I want to be like the cool kids . . .’) Confidence - Brett (It’s all about . . .) Hopeful For A Sign - Aiiso (‘My love is just an echo of hope . . .’) Creep, Very 2021 Rmx - Thom Yorke and Radiohead (‘But, I’m a creep! I’m a loser!’) Don’t Look Down - Superheart (Taking Chances) Hang On Now - Kajagoogoo (‘Hang on boy, let love start . . .’) Out Of My Mind - Duran Duran (Colin Wriggles On The Hook) Save Your Tears - Reprise Cover By Benicio Bryant =========================================================================================== Invisible - Duran Duran (Colin’s Theme) (Invisible) (Invisible) (Invisible) (Invisible) (Shy one) Walking by the wall (Shy one) The shadows will not fall (Shy one) Is silently ignored (Quiet one) Discouraged by the noise (Quiet one) Living without choice (Quiet one) Is a life without a voice When you can't even say my name Has the memory gone? Are you feeling numb? Go and call my name I can't play this game, so I ask again Will you say my name? Has the memory gone? Are you feeling numb? Or have I become invisible? (Sky light) That dreamers wish away (Hindsight) Is falling on my face (Highlights) The shape of my disgrace When you don't hear a word I say As the talking goes, it's a one-way flow No fault, no blame Has the memory gone? Are you feeling numb? And have I become invisible? (Invisible) (Invisible) (Invisible) (Invisible) (Invisible) (Invisible) (Invisible) (Invisible) (Invisible) And no one hears a word they say Has the memory gone? Are you feeling numb? Not a word they say But a voiceless crowd isn't backing down When the air turns red With their loaded hesitation Can you say my name? Has the memory gone? Are you feeling numb? Have we all become invisible? Stranger - Miami Horror (‘Who is this guy . . .How could he understand?‘) You took me higher from this dark Out of ordinary love Now you're changing with the wind New horizons, born again Twisted eyes burn through your heart Slowly tearing us apart There's nothing left to think or say We'll never be that way You're a stranger, a stranger, again You're a stranger, a stranger not a friend (Strangers, strangers, strangers) You keep me hanging, keep me dark Never let me drift too far Like a stranger in my wake Forget this all began You're a stranger, a stranger, again You're a stranger, a stranger not a friend Like a stranger, Like a stranger, Like a stranger In a different place Like a stranger, Like a stranger In a different place, different face (Stranger, again You're a stranger, stranger, again) It feels so wrong But it feels so right When you're out of mind And out of sight (Feels so wrong but it feels so right Just another face and thats) A stranger, a stranger, again You're a stranger, a stranger not a friend You're a stranger now, a stranger then A stranger once again You're a stranger now A stranger then A stranger once again You walk on by I'll be dancing again Whataya Want from Me? - Adam Lambert (‘Well . . . ?’) Hey, slow it down Whataya want from me Whataya want from me Yeah, I'm afraid Whataya want from me Whataya want from me There might have been a time When I would give myself away (Ooh) Once upon a time I didn't give a damn But now here we are So whataya want from me Whataya want from me Just don't give up I'm workin' it out Please don't give in I won't let you down It messed me up, need a second to breathe Just keep coming around Hey, whataya want from me Whataya want from me Whataya want from me Yeah, it's plain to see That baby you're beautiful And there's nothing wrong with you It's me, I'm a freak But thanks for lovin' me Cause you're doing it perfectly There might have been a time When I would let you slip away I wouldn't even try but I think You could save my life Just don't give up I'm workin' it out Please don't give in I won't let you down It messed me up, need a second to breathe Just keep coming around Hey, whataya want from me Whataya want from me Whataya want from me Just don't give up on me I won't let you down No, I won't let you down So Just don't give up I'm workin' it out Please don't give in I won't let you down It messed me up, need a second to breathe Just keep coming around Hey, whataya want from me Just don't give up I'm workin' it out Please don't give in I won't let you down It messed me up, need a second to breathe Just keep coming around Hey, whataya want from me (Whataya want from me) Whataya want from me Whataya want from me Temptation - NewOrder (Colin Is Tempted) A Heaven, a gateway, a hope Just like a feeling inside, it's no joke And though it hurts me to treat you this way Betrayed by words, I'd never heard, too hard to say Up, down, turn around Please don't let me hit the ground Tonight I think I'll walk alone I'll find my soul as I go home Up, down, turn around Please don't let me hit the ground Tonight I think I'll walk alone I'll find my soul as I go home Each way I turn, I know I'll always try To break this circle that's been placed around me From time to time, I find I've lost some need That was urgent to myself, I do believe Up, down, turn around Please don't let me hit the ground Tonight I think I'll walk alone I'll find my soul as I go home Up, down, turn around Please don't let me hit the ground Tonight I think I'll walk alone I'll find my soul as I go home Oh, you've got green eyes Oh, you've got blue eyes Oh, you've got grey eyes Oh, you've got green eyes Oh, you've got blue eyes Oh, you've got grey eyes And I've never seen anyone quite like you before No, I've never met anyone quite like you before Bolts from above hurt the people down below People in this world, we have no place to go Bolts from above hurt the people down below People in this world, we have no place to go Bolts from above hurt the people down below People in this world, we have no place to go Bolts from above hurt the people down below People in this world, we have no place to go Oh, it's the last time Oh, it's the last time Oh, it's the last time Oh, it's the last time Oh, it's the last time Oh, I've never met anyone quite like you before Oh no, I've never met anyone quite like you before Touched by the Hand of God - NewOrder (‘What would a living God want with me?’) I was standing by the ocean when I saw your face I couldn't look at you I guess you knew it but I never realized That we were through And now I'm down here all alone With every feeling that I own You can't take that away And with every breath we take And the illusions we create Will come to you someday And I was touched By the hand of God Never knew it But of course I was I never hoped to do the things in this world I wanted to Because everything I own It belongs to you I never looked at you in a sexual way In my life before And I've never woken up like this So desperately before And I was touched By the hand of God Never knew it But of course I was Lost Cause - Beck (Discouraged and Discouraging) Your sorry eyes cut through the bone They make it hard to leave you alone Leave you here wearing your wounds Waving your guns at somebody new Baby you're lost Baby you're lost Baby you're a lost cause There's too many people you used to know They see you coming they see you go They know your secrets and you know theirs This town is crazy; nobody cares Baby you're lost Baby you're lost Baby you're a lost cause I'm tired of fighting I'm tired of fighting Fighting for a lost cause There's a place where you are going You ain't never been before No one left to watch your back now No one standing at your door That's what you thought love was for Baby you're lost Baby you're lost Baby you're a lost cause I'm tired of fighting I'm tired of fighting Fighting for a lost cause Save Your Tears - The Weeknd (‘Please, please, don’t cry over me, Russ!’) Ooh Na na, yeah I saw you dancing in a crowded room You look so happy when I'm not with you But then you saw me, caught you by surprise A single teardrop falling from your eye I don't know why I run away I'll make you cry when I run away You could've asked me why I broke your heart You could've told me that you fell apart But you walked past me like I wasn't there And just pretended like you didn't care I don't know why I run away I'll make you cry when I run away Take me back 'cause I wanna stay Save your tears for another Save your tears for another day Save your tears for another day So, I made you think that I would always stay I said some things that I should never say Yeah, I broke your heart like someone did to mine And now you won't love me for a second time I don't know why I run away, oh, boy Said I'll make you cry when I run away Boy, take me back 'cause I wanna stay Save your tears for another I realize that I'm much too late And you deserve someone better Save your tears for another day (Ooh, yeah) Save your tears for another day (Yeah) I don't know why I run away I'll make you cry when I run away Save your tears for another day, ooh, boy (Ah) I said save your tears for another day (Ah) Save your tears for another day (Ah) Save your tears for another day (Ah) (On My) Mind - Dear Boy (Russ, The Unforgettable) I miss you on the ceiling When your hair is weeping down above my eyes How come I always sing when I’m stealing? And dream of things I used to memorize? It gets cold on a satellite So hold me in your hand You are always You are always on my mind You are always You are always on my mind Until the end of time You should say what I’m thinking Everything I know you taught me twice And I’ll try to save your soul when you’re drinking But God forbid I take my own advice It gets cold on another night So hold me in your hand You are always You are always on my mind You are always You are always on my mind Until the end of time Until thе end of time Until the еnd of time You are always You are always on my mind You are always You are always on my mind Until the end of time Until the end of time Powerless - Second Complex, Color Theory (Colin Powerless Against This Temptation) Don’t try to hide The feelings on the inside They won’t go away Without a fight I feel so Powerless when I see you cry The things I say they don’t make sense anymore I wish that I could transfer your pain and make it mine So you can be yourself as you were before Life repeats itself Love bites and makes you blind When transmissions fail Between your heart and your mind I feel so Powerless when I see you cry The things I say they don’t make sense anymore I wish that I could transfer your pain and make it mine So you could be yourself as you were before Emeralds Shatter - Louise Burns (Crying In The Mirror) In the event that something should happen Take my words, you know that it doesn't matter No, it doesn't matter A shadow face, eventually falls A promise for good but nothing booked that intension But that doesn't matter Head in the clouds Watching you fall Asking me "what am I doing here at all?" Eyes on the sun, eventually fall Tell me now "what am I doing here at all?" You go out on a friday night Dancing too young to those irrevelant lights Cause it doesn't matter And you got friends all around the world They take your advice They keep you close forever Cause it doesnt matter Head in the clouds Watching you fall Asking me "what am I doing here at all?" Eyes on the sun, eventually fall Tell me now "what am I doing here at all?" Cause I've been watching you fall But we knew that it doesn't matter You're watching the emeralds shatter Day will go on the saturday night One more day to get your fellings all right Screw you head until you clock in the sun Turn your doubts cause you're not havin' fun You're watching emeralds shatter You're watching emeralds shatter And it doesn't even matter We're watching emeralds shatter Yea, we've been watching emeralds shatter Head in the clouds Watching you fall Asking me "what am I doing here at all?" Eyes on the sun, eventually fall Tell me now "what am I doing here at all?" Head in the clouds Watching you fall Asking me "what am I doing here at all?" Eyes on the sun, eventually fall Tell me now "what am I doing here at all?" I'm watching emeralds shatter. Sweet Fascination - Ladyhawke (A Mutual Delicate Dance of Attractors) You're writing letters to me You're waiting for a reply Obsession makes you feel weak It makes you turn a blind eye I'm your new fantasy I'm all you wanna be You're mister no good Love unconditionally Sweet fascination is taking over you Just like you want it to Infatuation, it makes the lonely feel That the illusion's real You're like the hammer to me You drive it down on my head It doesn't feel right I don't like all the fanfare I know you're watching me But it can never be You're mister no good Love unconditionally Sweet fascination is taking over you Just like you want it to Infatuation, it makes the lonely feel That the illusion's real Sweet fascination is taking over you Just like you want it to Infatuation, it makes the lonely feel That the illusion's real Sweet fascination Sweet fascination Strangelove Addiction - Supreme Beings Of Leisure (Dazed, Confused, and Falling Fast) I must resist the thought you kissed The truth you've somehow turned around I must resist your soft warm fist the pounding of a lonely sound You're as thin as rain and me I wear my heart like a red stain I fear that I am not enough for you I just don't measure up I fear this constant condition My strange, strangelove addiction Strange, strangelove addiction Strange, strangelove addiction Strange, strangelove addiction Strange I must deny the lullaby The skin, the touch that makes me high I must deny not knowing why the truth has left me dumb tongue-tied You don't feel my pain and me I wear my heart like a red stain I fear that I am not enough for you I just don't measure up I fear this constant condition My strange, strangelove addiction Strange, strangelove addiction Strange, strangelove addiction Strange, strangelove addiction Strange, strange, strange I fear I am not enough I don't measure up I fear this constant condition My strange, strangelove addiction Strange, strangelove addiction Strange, strangelove addiction Strange, strangelove addiction Strange, strangelove addiction Strange, strangelove addiction Strange, strangelove addiction Strange, strangelove addiction Strange, strange, strange This Strange Effect - Hooverphonic (Colin Falls Further) You've got this strange effect on me And I like it You've got this strange effect on me And I like it You make my world seem right You make my darkness bright, oh yes You've got this strange effect on me And I like it And I like it And I like the way you kiss me Don't know if I should But this feeling is love, and I know it That's why I feel good You've got this strange effect on me And I like it You've got this strange effect on me And I like it You make my world seem right You make my darkness bright, oh yes You've got this strange effect on me And I like it And I like it And I like it Running Scared - Work Drugs (‘What the hell am I doing?’) With nothing to hear and too much to hold It’s been burning for years, or so i’ve been told Some say it’s just the way it ought to be I never was much for manifest destiny Trying to survive, Edison Park Whatever it takes, i won’t be a mark Without a trace, we’ll keep it alive Not just another beside So life isn't fair, you’re still Running Scared Still Running Scared I suppose I could leave, i’ve beaten the best Say goodbye Chicago, and hello Key West I’ll open a bar and stare at the sea Pour for the locals, i hope this time we can make it a reality Trying to survive, Edison Park Whatever it takes, i won’t be a mark Without a trace, we’ll keep it alive Not just another beside So life isn't fair, you’re still Running Scared Still running Shine sweet freedom Trying to survive, Edison Park Whatever it takes, i won’t be a mark Without a trace, we’ll keep it alive Not just another beside So life isn't fair, you’re still Running Scared Trying to survive, Edison Park Whatever it takes, i won’t be a mark Without a trace, we’ll keep it alive Not just another beside So life isn't fair, you’re still Running Scared Still running Shine sweet freedom Shy Away - Twenty-One Pilots (Colin In A Tugawar Between His Fears and His Desires) When I get home You better not be there We're placing bets you won't Shed your modesty And the only thing to leave behind Is your own skin on the floor Don't you shy away Manifest a ceiling When you shy away Searching for that feeling Just like an "I love you" (Ooh, ooh) That isn't words (Ooh, ooh) Like a song he wrote, that's never heard Don't you (Ssh) When you get home You barely recognize the pictures They put in a frame 'Cause you shed your modesty Don't circle the track Take what you have And leave your skin on the floor Don't you shy away Manifest a ceiling When you shy away Searching for that feeling Just like an "I love you" (Ooh, ooh) That isn't words (Ooh, ooh) Like a song he wrote That's never heard When I get home Boy, you better not be there You're long gone You shed your modesty Don't circle the track Just break the cycle in half And leave your skin on the floor Don't you shy away Manifest a ceiling When you shy away Searching for that feeling Just like an "I love you" (Ooh, ooh) That isn't words (Ooh, ooh) Like a song he wrote That's never heard That's never heard An "I love you" That isn't words Like a song he wrote That's never heard Don't you shy away Pretty Blonde Boy - Joseph of Mercury (It’s not right to cause someone so beautiful so much pain . . .) Pretty Blonde Boy with a heart of gold Lives to die cause he can't grow old fast enough Evil eye he says that one's mine On his skin with life's reminders Oh how we'll miss his dangerous ways There are those you'll only know for a short time But bright lights burn faster There are those you'll only know for a short time But bright lights burn faster Pharaoh child with a world of love A million eyes cry for him Feral child with wild eyes & All the while you'd die for him Gods and girls that he would want And he would want to become All the bright light in him Is now spent and undone Oh how we'll miss his dangerous ways There are those you'll only know for a short time But bright lights burn faster There are those you'll only know for a short time But bright lights burn faster There are those you'll only know for a short time Cause bright lights burn faster There are those you'll only know for a short time Cause bright lights burn faster There are those you'll only know for a short time Cause bright lights burn faster Getting Away With It - Electronic (‘Would it work or wouldn’t it? What to do?’) I've been walking in the rain Just to get wet on purpose I've been forcing myself not to forget Just to feel worse I've been getting away with it all my life (getting away) However, I look it's clear to see That I love you more than you love me However, I look it's clear to see I love you more than you love me I hate that mirror It makes me feel so worthless I'm an original sinner but when I'm with you I couldn't care less I've been getting away with it all my life Getting away with it all my life (getting away) However, I look it's clear to see That I love you more than you love me However, I look it's clear to see That I love you more than you love me I love you more than you love me More than you love me I thought I gave up falling in love A long long time ago I guess I like it but I can't tell you You shouldn't really know And it's been true all my life Yes, it's been true all my life I've been talking to myself Just to suggest that I'm selfish (Getting ahead) I've been trying to impress That more is less and I'm repressed (I should do what he said) However, I look it's clear to see That I love you more than you love me However, I look it's clear to see That I love you more than you love me I love you more than you love me I love you more than you love me Getting away with it Getting away with it Worlds Apart - Killstarr (‘But Russ is so-o different from dumb old me . . .’) Lost lovers in this wasteland worlds apart Fight this quest alone, where do I start? Travel land and sea to be with you Take you to a place you never knew Lost lovers in this wasteland worlds apart Fight this quest alone, where do I start? Travel land and sea to be with you Take you to a place you never knew Lost lovers in this wasteland worlds apart Fight this quest alone, where do I start? Travel land and sea to be with you Take you to a place you never knew Cool Kids - Echosmith (‘I want to be like the cool kids . . .’) She sees them walking in a straight line, that's not really her style And they all got the same heartbeat, but hers is falling behind Nothing in this world could ever bring them down Yeah, they're invincible, and she's just in the background And she says "I wish that I could be like the cool kids 'Cause all the cool kids, they seem to fit in I wish that I could be like the cool kids, like the cool kids" He sees them talking with a big smile, but they haven't got a clue Yeah, they're living the good life, can't see what he is going through They're driving fast cars, but they don't know where they're going In the fast lane, living life without knowing And he says "I wish that I could be like the cool kids 'Cause all the cool kids, they seem to fit in I wish that I could be like the cool kids, like the cool kids I wish that I could be like the cool kids 'Cause all the cool kids, they seem to get it I wish that I could be like the cool kids, like the cool kids" And they said "I wish that I could be like the cool kids 'Cause all the cool kids, they seem to fit in I wish that I could be like the cool kids, like the cool kids I wish that I could be like the cool kids 'Cause all the cool kids, they seem to fit in I wish that I could be like the cool kids, like the cool kids I wish that I could be like the cool kids 'Cause all the cool kids, they seem to get it I wish that I could be like the cool kids, like the cool kids" Whoa Whoa Whoa Like the cool kids Confidence - Brett (It’s all about . . .) You took me alone in the starlight Away from the harpies Alone in your arms A shotgun rush of a feeling A taste of a secret The touch of your skin The saints become the sinners Hide behind the curtains, luv We’ll always be the sacred risk The poison’s in the passion Your viper venom love Will always be your greatest gift I admire your Confidence The way you took your Confidence The way you kiss your Confidence Your . . . Confidence Deny yourself your innocence And serve your instincts to the end I tell you this in Absolute . . . Confidence Attraction The beautiful torture The best of intentions We lay them to waste Disaster The deafening silence Your body betrays you Delight and dismay The saints become the sinners Hide behind the curtains, luv We’ll always be the sacred risk The poison’s in the passion Your viper venom love Will always be your greatest gift I admire your Confidence The way you took your Confidence The way you kiss your Confidence Your . . . Confidence Deny yourself your innocence And serve your instincts to the end I tell you this in Absolute . . . Confidence Our love is a Dark Love It’s a Dark Love Yeah, it’s thicker than blood (X) Our love is a Dark Love It’s a Dark Love I admire your Confidence The way you took your Confidence The way you kiss your Confidence Your . . . Confidence Deny yourself your innocence And serve your instincts to the end I tell you this in Absolute . . . Confidence (X) Hopeful For A Sign - Aiiso (‘My love is just an echo of hope . . .’) (Resonant echoing instrumental) Creep, Very 2021 Rmx - Thom Yorke and Radiohead (‘But, I’m a creep! I’m a loser!’) When you were here before Couldn't look you in the eye You're just like an angel Your skin makes me cry You float like a feather In a beautiful world I wish I was special You're so very special But I'm a creep I'm a weirdo What the hell am I doing here? I don't belong here I don't care if it hurts I want to have control I want a perfect body I want a perfect soul I want you to notice When I'm not around You're so very special I wish I was special But I'm a creep I'm a weirdo What the hell am I doing here? I don't belong here Oh, oh I’m running out again I’m running out I run run run run Run Whatever makes you happy Whatever you want You're so very special I wish I was special But I'm a creep I'm a weirdo What the hell am I doing here? I don't belong here I don't belong here Don’t Look Down - Superheart (Taking Chances) [Verse 1] Wait by my side Just for a minute Wait by my side [Chorus] I really did my best to keep it spinning But I just can't help the sinking feeling When the floor below becomes the ceiling So I wrote it down And I still wake up every morning Though a wave may come without a warning It’s okay 'cause it's just falling I just don’t look down [Verse 2] Stay by my side Just a minute Stay by my side [Chorus] I really did my best to keep it spinning But I just can't help the sinking feeling When the floor below becomes the ceiling So I wrote it down And I still wake up every morning Though a wave may come without a warning It's okay 'cause it's just falling Don't look down [Outro] Don't look down You're on your way now You’re on your way now You’re on your way now Hang On Now - Kajagoogoo (Russ’s Love Song) No sooner than I turn my back and then It's so hard to find I'm on the decline with you Were I to know your feelings... Is there something between me and you? Can't pretend you surprise me And baby it's hurting me too Hang on now, meet my heart It knows the best time for new love to start Hang on now, meet my heart It knows the best time for us to start Hang on now (hang on now) Won't you remain? Those special moments together I don't understand But, can't we go ahead as we had planned? I've questioned all your reasons Underneath I can see Somewhere my stolen lover Who really should still be with me Hang on now, meet my heart It knows the best time for new love to start Hang on now, meet my heart It knows the best time for us to start Hang on now, meet my heart It knows the best time for new love to start Should I hang on - should I stay? What's the ransom - I will pay? Hang on now, meet my heart It knows the best time for new love to start Hang on now, meet my heart It knows the best time for us to start [repeat chorus to fade] Out Of My Mind - Duran Duran (Colin Wriggles On The Hook) Light a candle Lay flowers at the door For those who were left behind And the ones who've gone before But, here it comes now Sure as silence follows rain The taste of you upon my lips The fingers in my brain Ever gentle as it kills me where I lay Who am I to resist? Who are you to fail? Got to get you Out Of My Mind But, I can't escape from the feeling As I try to leave the memory behind Without you what's left to believe in? And I could be so sorry For the way it had to go But now I feel your presence In a way I could not know And I wonder Do you ever feel the same In whispering darkness Do you ever hear my name? Got to get you Out Of My Mind But, I can't escape from the feeling As I try to leave the memory behind Without you, what's left to believe in? How could you dare To become so real When you're just a ghost in me And I've got to get you Out Of My Mind But, I can't escape from the feeling As I try to leave the memory behind Without you, what's left to believe in? Here in the back of my mind Deep in the back of my mind

I put it at the end as a reprised outro… Oh, and for those of you that follow ‘My One True Weakness’, this soundtrack is meant to be my shorthand version of ‘Brandonizing’ Colin’s side of things.

It is always ‘in progress’ despite what the status says. That resets automatically. I’ll have a new set of entries up soon. Thank you for your continued interest in this ongoing series.

Always a gorgeous young man! ❤️

There’s an entire world out there that William knows nothing about…but maybe he’s learning!

Yay! Things should start taking off now!

William Harker’s Journal, Entries: https://gayauthors.org/story/mrm/the-seducer/19 https://gayauthors.org/story/mrm/the-seducer/20 https://gayauthors.org/story/mrm/the-seducer/21

§ § Friday, October 5, 1989 I’ve never seen a guy so excited about a place in my life! I mean, Jake was positively giddy when we entered the Salon Rouge for his first time. “My God! This is like a dream come true!” He’d said as we made our way inside. Dr. V insisted on taking us and we made these arrangements on Wednesday when I’d (reluctantly) spent a day at his place for my Romanian lessons. Devin bun la română - or translated, ‘I’m getting good at Romanian!’ It is a beauti

§ § Tuesday, October 2, 1989 Dr. V drove me to his class this evening. We had a discussion about the goings on Sunday night and, it seems, I have let my imagination run wild with me again. Despite Dr. V’s stern commands Sunday night to ‘stay safe’, there was, apparently, nothing to ‘stay safe’ from! Ambrosio had been found all right! It seems that he had his driver take him by the scenic route near the ocean and that he, simply, continued down the coast to LA by Highway

More is coming tomorrow and Friday. 😊

§ § Monday, October 1, 1989 I’m still awake this morning here at Dr. V’s. I couldn’t sleep at all last night and I had more than a few weird things go on to keep me awake! First of all…Dr. V had been right! Someone or something must have gotten in last night. I heard rummaging around upstairs like furniture moving or…bodies being thrown around! To be honest, it sounded like a full blown fight upstairs! Again, I was split right down the middle as to what to do. The self-preser

Dawwwww! PUSSYCAT!!!!

An Italian Beef and two kids. It isn’t as good as Hot Pockets…

Maybe, you can become a ‘Chandler’ for someone instead?

Droids come in all shapes, sizes, and temperaments. This one, I think, is more along the lines of R2-D2.

The mystery is brewing, True Believer! Daaaaark things are afoot and our dear Mr. Harker has just gotten a taste of them! Even now, William is recounting more experiences that are bringing clues to light as to what, exactly, is going on here! What indeed? Stay tuned! Muwahahahahaha! 🧛🏻‍♂️

The series is, actually, still quite in progress. I posted 3 new entries just last month. Please don’t believe the ‘Status’ indicator. GA sets that automatically after a story has been ‘dormant’ for a very short while. I find that annoying, actually. It takes a while for me to make my rounds to each of my currently active stories, but each are in progress and I’m working on them all the time. For now, I’ve set the ones I’m working on to ‘In Progress’, but they will automatically switch to ‘Temporarily On Hold’ if I don’t get back to them within a short period.

I give you RAGE! …a boy with serious issues.

Soundtrack Track List Abandoned (Gemini Syndrome) - Alec’s Abandonment Abuse (Lucas King) - Alec’s Misery Daddy (Korn) - The Horror of Alec’s Abuse Trauma (NF) - Alec’s Trauma Paralyzed (NF) - Alec’s Terror Crawling (Linkin Park) - Something Dark Growing Inside of Alec HATRED (BVDLVD) - The Monster Is Born ESCAPE (Execution Day) - The Monster Escapes Lost (Lucas King) - Alec Finds Himself Lost Prayers For Rain (A Pale Horse Named Death) - Reprise from ‘Taryn’s Song’ Stolen Child (Doors in the Labyrinth) - Alec Encounters His Sire Blood (Velvet Acid Christ) - Yet Another Kind of Exploitation Blood Moon (Converge & Chelsea Wolfe) - Alec Is Slowly Consumed The Culling (Chelsea Wolfe) - Alec No More Monster (Starset) - Rage is Born Blood Rage (Nightcrawler) - Rage Begins His Hunt Burn Everything (Ludovico Technique) - Rage Ascendant Justin (Korn) - Finding A Mortal Enemy Happy Birthday Taryn (The Birthday Crew) - A Horrifying Reunion I’ll Take It All From You! (The Witch Was Right) - A Hateful Promise Night Child (Electric Wizard) - Rage of the Night Eternal Hatred (Skeletal Remains) - An Enraged Vow Betrayed (Gary Numan) - The Why Help Me, I Am In Hell (Nine Inch Nails) - The Tragedy Of Rage ———————————— Abandoned (Gemini Syndrome) - Alec’s Abandonment There was a time when I knew nothing about Hatred, rejection, intolerance, pain, abuse, as it turns out I know these things They're all you bring There was a time when hope shined How could you leave me alone Abandoned and then disowned Never even had a name You forgot me all the same I choose my own home There was a child who loved everything outside and in There was a time when my light started to dim I know these things I'm so empty There was a time when hope died How could you leave me alone Abandoned and then disowned Never even had a name You forgot me all the same I choose my own home This is for the losers This is for the freaks This is for the broken Forgotten and diseased This is for the outcast This is for the widows son This is for all of us Abandoned I'm not motherfucking angry I'm not angry anymore I'm not fucking crazy I'm not crazy anymore How could you leave me alone Now I got you listening motherfucker Abandoned and then disowned You fucking threw me away Never even had a name Bitch! You forgot me all the same Fuck you! I choose my own home I choose my own home Fuck you! I wanna motherfucking kill you! Abuse (Lucas King) - Alec’s Misery Melancholy Instrumental Daddy (Korn) - The Horror of Alec’s Abuse Mother please forgive me I just had to get out all my pain and suffering Now that I am done, remember I will always love you I'm your son Little child, looking so pretty Come out and play, I'll be your daddy Innocent child, looking so sweet I'll rape your mind and on your flesh I'll eat You raped! I feel dirty It hurt! As a child Tied down! That's a good boy And fucked! Your own child I scream! No one hears me It hurt! I'm not a liar My God! Saw you watching Mommy why?! Your own child Little child, looking so pretty Come out and play, I'll be your daddy You raped! I feel dirty It hurt! As a child Tied down! That's a good boy And fucked! Your own child I scream! No one hears me It hurt! I'm not a liar My God! Saw you watching Mommy why?! It's alright You raped! I feel dirty It hurt! As a child Tied down! That's a good boy And fucked! Your own child I raped! No one hears me It hurt! As a child Tied down! No one hit me And raped Your own child I scream! No one hears me It hurt! As a child Tied down! That's a good boy And fucked! Your own child I speak! No one hears me It hurt! As a child Tied down! No one hears me Mommy why?! Your own child I didn't touch you there Mama said she didn't care I didn't touch you there That's why mama stopped and stared Little child, looking so sweet I'll rape your mind and on your flesh I'll eat You raped! I feel dirty It hurt! As a child Tied down! That's a good boy And fucked! Your own child I scream! No one hears me It hurt! I'm not a liar My God! Saw you watching Mommy why?! Your own child You raped! I feel dirty It hurt! As a child Tied down! That's a good boy And fucked! Your own child I scream! No one hears me It hurt! I'm not a liar My God! Saw you watching Mommy why?! Your own child You raped! I feel dirty It hurt! I'm not a liar My God! Saw you watching Dirty one Your own child I scream! No one hears me It hurt! I'm not a liar My God! Saw you watching Mommy why?! Your own child You raped! I feel dirty It hurt! I'm not a liar My God! Saw you watching Mommy why?! Your own child I scream! No one hears me It hurt! I'm not a liar My God! Saw you watching Mommy why?! I fucking hate you! Motherfucker! Motherfucker! I fucking hate you! Fuck you! You son of a bitch, you fucking ruined my life! I wanted to die! I'm sick of it, motherfucker... oh, oh Why'd you fuckin' do it to me? I hate you! I fuckin' hate you! I hate you! Why?! I hate you! Trauma (NF) - Alec’s Trauma Say you're there when I feel helpless If that's true, why don't you help me? It's my fault, I know I'm selfish Stand alone, my soul is jealous It wants love, but I reject it Trade my joy for my protection Grab my hand, I'm drowning I feel my heart pounding Why haven't you found me yet? I hold you so proudly Traumas, they surround me I wish you'd just love me back Say you're here, but I don't feel it Give me peace, but then you steal it Watch them laugh at all my secrets Scream and yell, but I feel speechless Ask for help, you call it weakness Lied and promised me my freedom Grab my hand, I'm drowning I feel my heart pounding Why haven't you found me yet? I hold you so proudly Traumas, they surround me I wish you'd just love me back Grab my hand, I'm drowning I feel my heart pounding Why haven't you found me yet? Paralyzed (NF) - Alec’s Terror When did I become so numb? When did I lose myself? All the words that leave my tongue Feel like they came from someone else I'm paralyzed Where are my feelings? I no longer feel things I know I should I'm paralyzed Where is the real me? I'm lost and it kills me - inside I'm paralyzed When did I become so cold? When did I become ashamed? (ooh) Where's the person that I know? They must have left They must have left With all my faith I'm paralyzed Where are my feelings? I no longer feel things I know I should I'm paralyzed Where is the real me? I'm lost and it kills me - inside I'm paralyzed I'm paralyzed I'm scared to live but I'm scared to die And if life is pain then I buried mine a long time ago But it's still alive And it's taking over me - where am I? I wanna feel something, I'm numb inside But I feel nothing, I wonder why I'm on the race of life and time passes by Look I sit back and I watch it, hands in my pockets Waves come crashing over me but I just watch 'em I just watch 'em I'm under water but I feel like I'm on top of it I'm at the bottom and I don't know what the problem is I'm in a box But I'm the one who locked me in Suffocating and I'm running out of oxygen I'm paralyzed Where are my feelings? I no longer feel things I know I should I'm paralyzed Where is the real me? I'm lost and it kills me - inside I'm paralyzed (Yeah, I'm just so paralyzed) Where are my feelings? (Yeah, I'm just so paralyzed) I no longer feel things (I have no feelings) I know I should (Oh. How come I'm not moving? Why aren't I moving? Ay yeah) I'm paralyzed Where is the real me? (Where is the real me? Where is the real me?) I'm lost and it kills me - inside (I'm paralyzed, I'm paralyzed) I'm paralyzed (I'm paralyzed) Crawling (Linkin Park) - Something Dark Growing Inside of Alec [Chester Bennington:] Crawling in my skin These wounds they will not heal Fear is how I fall Confusing what is real There's something inside me that pulls beneath the surface Consuming confusing This lack of self-control I fear is never ending Controlling I can't seem [Chester Bennington (Mike Shinoda):] To find myself again My walls are closing in (Without a sense of confidence and I'm convinced that there's just too much pressure to take) I've felt this way before So insecure [Chester Bennington:] Crawling in my skin These wounds they will not heal Fear is how I fall Confusing what is real Discomfort endlessly has pulled itself upon me Distracting reacting Against my will I stand beside my own reflection It's haunting how I can't seem [Chester Bennington (Mike Shinoda):] To find myself again My walls are closing in (Without a sense of confidence and I'm convinced that there's just too much pressure to take) I've felt this way before So insecure Crawling in my skin These wounds they will not heal Fear is how I fall Confusing what is real Crawling in my skin These wounds they will not heal Fear is how I fall Confusing confusing what is real There's something inside me that pulls beneath the surface consuming Confusing what is real This lack of self-control I fear is never ending controlling Confusing what is real HATRED (BVDLVD) - The Monster Is Born [Chorus] There’s so much pain For me to feel Closed all the gates No way to heal I’ve got no way To understand what’s real I only feel one thing And there’s so much hatred In my head I-I just motherfuckin' hate this Make me dead Arrow Left #1 Icon Created with Sketch. Arrow right #1 Icon Created with Sketch. [Verse 1] And there's so much hatred In my head I just motherfuckin' hate this Make me dead Make me dead And there's so much hatred In my head I just motherfuckin' hate this Make me dead Make me dead Make me dead [Breakdown] I don’t know why I feel so shit You broke my being, now I’m left in bits All your friends, they like to take the piss [Verse 2] Now I’m left with hatred In my soul I just motherfuckin' hate this Covered in holes I got so much fuckin' hatred I’ve lost control I just motherfuckin' hate this Pierce my skull [Chorus] There’s so much pain For me to feel Closed all the gates No way to heal I’ve got no way To understand what’s real I only feel one thing [Verse 3] I've been searching for my purpose Been snaked so many times Nothing hurts worse Imma gonna catch my dreams or am I gonna fall first? Imma gonna find a state of mine that don’t involve hurt? All this hatred in my veins I’m gonna Cut it out without a doubt And watch it fall out of my mouth And out my mind just get it out I’ll be alright just speak it out There’s several ways to see it out Just see it out Just see it out Please try and fucking see it out Ay, fuck living with hatred! I don’t give a fuck if some pussies tryna say shit Just lemme live my life I'm tryna make hits I know I’m gonna make it Depression is a demon Try and face it Step my step, take it slow, you ain’t faking You're my friend and I know you’re gonna make it You're my friend and I know you’re gonna make it ESCAPE (Execution Day) - The Monster Escapes The Evil Escapes Lost (Lucas King) - Alec Finds Himself Lost Melancholy Theme for Alec lost in the city Prayers For Rain (A Pale Horse Named Death) - Reprise from ‘Taryn’s Song’ Reprise from ‘Taryn’s Song’. Connoting the pointlessness of the city streets for a little boy. Stolen Child (Doors in the Labyrinth) - Alec Encounters His Sire I'll promise you forever if you take my hand Come with me to the realms beyond Leave sorrows behind The world is full of weeping But the universe is vast In the lands of the summer sun You will finally find a home They'll never know you've gone These sticks and leaves will take your place When autumn fades and the changeling falls apart You'll be beyond their reach The world is full of weeping But the universe is vast In the lands of the summer sun You will finally find a home Blood (Velvet Acid Christ) - Yet Another Kind of Exploitation Like tears of blood that roll off your hands, as if you were crying blood, as if the whole world was bleeding, and every person was covered in blood, like if every being was torn from above, and the wounds bleed deeply, furiously, and unending. like the blank stare of a billion bleeding souls, like the wretched air that burns you like hot coals, like your soul covered with dirt and mud, like the entire world is covered in your blood, something dreadful, something painful, something evil, something ugly, something wicked, something wretched, something horrid, something morbid, like the stinging in your eyes, like the frozen skies, like when your eyes pop out of you head, like your fingers fall off dead, like when your back is skinned, like when the real pain begins. begins, begins. something dreadful, something evil, something wicked, something horrid, something hurting, Something bleeding Something bleeding, Something bleeding, Something bleeding, Blood, Blood, Blood… Blood Moon (Converge & Chelsea Wolfe) - Alec Is Slowly Consumed [Verse 1: Jacob Bannon] Blood moon ascends in night As the cosmic eye Free of the chains That define our lives It cuts through flesh and bone Into the glow of souls Gazing far and wide Devoid of hope [Verse 2: Chelsea Wolfe] You cut me open But I won't let you find What’s under the surface Entombed in my mind Beneath the surface It's grim to see Oh, it echoes out Then disappears Arrow Left #1 Icon Created with Sketch. Arrow right #1 Icon Created with Sketch. [Pre-Chorus: Chelsea Wolfe] Unblinking eye in the shadows Abets the world its weary lies Enthroned beside the dimming light Speak what’s left unspoken The time is near [Chorus: Jacob Bannon] Blood moon ascends in the night Cosmic unblinking eye Gazing through flesh and bone Into the glow of our souls Blood moon ascends in the night Cosmic unblinking eye Gazing through flesh and bone Into the glow of our souls [Bridge: Chelsea Wolfe] The mind was a hall that towered high And on the throne was the child inside And on my side Enthroned beside the shadows divine Held all the world and the glimmering life In mind was a time when all was right Mind was in mind [Chorus: Jacob Bannon] Blood moon ascends in the night Cosmic unblinking eye Gazing through flesh and bone Into the glow of our souls Blood moon ascends in the night Cosmic unblinking eye Gazing through flesh and bone Into the glow of our souls [Verse 3: Chelsea Wolfe] Cut me open It’s grim to see Beneath the surface, etched in fear The day has spoken How dare you speak her name To consecrate the broken Carry weary worlds [Outro: Jacob Bannon] The day has broken A stain, a crime You, serpent Deicide The day has broken A stain, a crime You, serpent Deicide The Culling (Chelsea Wolfe) - Alec No More Dead eyes, I only call you when you're in my dreams Died too young, the culling then, it was obscene I am depleted by love I am depleted by love I'll never tell the secrets of my family Bled out, a cult of anonymity The kettle is wheeling, my love Riding on the back of a hell they caused One ear to the ground One eye on the room My tongue on your pulse My finger in your wound Sweet dead eyes, I long to hear you again Sweet dead eyes, I long to see your face Sweet dead eyes, I long for that illustrious hiss Sweet dead eyes, I know you feel it No turning back, only God knows what we're headed for The flowers bloom, the sun rises Flux, hiss, welt, groan Flux, hiss, welt, groan Flux, hiss, welt, groan Flux, hiss, welt, groan Flux, hiss, welt, groan Flux, hiss, welt, groan Monster (Starset) - Rage is Born Under the knife I surrendered The innocence yours to consume You cut it away And you filled me up with hate Into the silence you sent me Into the fire consumed You thought I'd forget But it's always in my head You're the pulse in my veins You're the war that I wage Can you change me? Can you change me? You're the love that I hate You're the drug that I take Will you cage me? Will you cage me? You're the pulse in my veins You're the war that I wage Can you change me? Can you change me? From the monster you made me? From the monster you made me? This is the world you've created The product of what I've become My soul and my youth Seems it's all for you to use If I could take back the moment I let you get under my skin Relent or resist? Seems the monster always wins You're the pulse in my veins You're the war that I wage Can you change me? Can you change me? You're the love that I hate You're the drug that I take Will you cage me? Will you cage me? You're the pulse in my veins You're the war that I wage Can you change me? Can you change me? From the monster you made me? From the monster you made me? My heart's an artifice, a decoy soul I'll lift you up and then I'll let you go I've made an art of digging shallow holes I drop the darkness in and watch it grow My heart's an artifice, a decoy soul Who knew the emptiness could be so cold? I've lost the parts of me that make me whole I am the darkness I'm the monster You're the pulse in my veins You're the war that I wage Can you change me? Can you change me? You're the love that I hate You're the drug that I take Will you cage me? Will you cage me? You're the pulse in my veins You're the war that I wage Can you change me? Can you change me? From the monster you made me? The monster you made me? The monster you made me? The monster you made me? Blood Rage (Nightcrawler) - Rage Begins His Hunt Reprise from ‘Gone From Daylight’. Burn Everything (Ludovico Technique) - Rage Ascendant I've held on so long To all the things I want to believe Throw away everything that I have known so easily Anything that I've given Has disappeared never to be found So I'm giving what is left inside of me to Burn it down Burn everything around me My mind, my life, my needs Burn everything I've ever known or cared for endlessly Burn it down I try to go on With a life that I wish could be It's taken all I have inside myself so easily I try to hold on As everything is slipping away But I'd rather see it burn than see it like this One more day Burn everything around me My mind, my life, my needs Burn everything I've ever known or cared for endlessly Burn it down Justin (Korn) - Finding A Mortal Enemy Fuck all that bullshit! You watch me play. I look away. Your lights turn bright. You found the light. Take, off in space. You and I. Time, off in space. You and I. You're gonna die! Wanna meet me, why? I wish I had your strength Inside your soul escapes. Take, off in space. You and I. Time, off in space. You and I. Cry, into me. Help me... Something... For all! The kids that die listening to me. You are alive! Time, off in space. You and I stay.... Take, off in space. You and I. Time, off in space. You and I. I... Happy Birthday Taryn (The Birthday Crew) - A Horrifying Reunion A dread mockery… I’ll Take It All From You! (The Witch Was Right) - A Hateful Promise YEAH! It's getting colder every day Motherfucker I'm only here to see you burn If things were different, would you catch the blood? This has always been my war, my way, fuck you! He’s a pretty picture on the wall It's sad to say I can't see at all What you see as evil, is explained What you did to me, I'll take from you Take from you I took it all from you I took it all from you I'll take it all from you I'll take it all from you I'll take it all from you I'll take it all from you He’s a pretty picture on the wall It's sad to say I can't see at all What you see as evil, is explained What you did to me, I'll take from you Take from you I'll take from you What you did to me, I'll take from you What you did to me, I'll take from you... Night Child (Electric Wizard) - Rage in the Night Under the black sun I crawl from my grave Your body, I worship Your blood, I crave I creep by your window The light, I despise You cannot see me But feel my cold eyes I am the night child Shadows gather 'round me Are you a night child? Join us and be free Your rotten world Means nothing to me Under cover of darkness Is when I am free The night child is creeping Forever seeking New bodies new victims Drug and murder addicted I am the night child Shadows gather 'round me Are you a night child? Join us and be free I am the night child I am the night child I am the night child I am the night child I am the night child I am the night child I am the night child Shadows gather 'round me Are you a night child? Join us and be free Under the black sun Under the black sun Under the black sun Under the black sun Under the black sun Under the black sun Under the black sun Under the black sun Under the black sun Under the black sun Under the black sun Under the black sun Under the black sun Under the black sun Under the black sun Under the black sun Under the black sun Under the black sun Under the black sun Under the black sun Under the black sun Eternal Hatred (Skeletal Remains) - An Enraged Vow I am empowered by your disdain This path of lies you've chosen Will consume your cowardice ways Twisted is your mind Believe the tales in which you preach Hatred controls you Your strongest trait is human leech Below me All you seek is the acceptance of the weak Deceiving Thriving off your delusional fantasy Unworthy The only threat you pose is upon yourself Above all, I will remain Your withered ego you shall retain And now your world is falling Swallowed by your worthless ignorant ways Through the looking glass, you see yourself astray In eternal hatred you'll remain Bow down and beg before me Destroying all your worth I've lost all sympathy I feel nothing No pain nor sorrow impeding me Your lack of self-awareness Fueled by your useless greed As you fall, now a shell of ones self (Eternal hatred) I turn my back to thee (Eternal hatred) Deprived of the life you once possessed (Eternal hatred) Destroyed by your own greed And now your world is falling Swallowed by your worthless ignorant ways Through the looking glass, you see yourself astray In eternal hatred you'll remain I am empowered by your disdain This path of lies you've chosen Will consume your cowardice ways You are nothing but a feeble mind of insecurities Weakness betrays you, ignorant to your own hypocrisy Betrayed (Gary Numan) - The Why You were young so I breathed for you You were pure so I danced for you You were lost and I cried for you You were lost but I was betrayed You were mine and I worshipped you You were mine but I was betrayed Now you hurt and I bleed for you Now my tears fill oceans for you You are cold but I burn for you You are cold and I am betrayed You are small but I kneel for you You are small and I am betrayed You are pain so I scream for you You are pain and I am betrayed You are death so I'll die for you You are death and I am betrayed I am betrayed I am betrayed Help Me, I Am In Hell (Nine Inch Nails) - The Tragedy Of Rage An instrumental of ultimate despair.

The Look Of Love: https://gayauthors.org/story/mrm/in-chandlers-hands/10